(THEME MUSIC)
Pam!
Pamela, Pame-lama ding-dong.
Making copies.
(PHONE RINGING)
I'm not making any copies.
Let's go!
Messages, stat!
Lots to do, lots to do.
Information superhighway.
-Nothing new. -Lay them on moi.
What? -There's nothing new.
That's not what you said earlier.
Oh, do you want me to repeat the messages that
I gave you before for the--
The most sacred thing I do is care and provide
for my workers-- my family.
I give them money.
I give them food.
(PHONE RINGING)
Not directly but through the money-- I heal them.
Today, I am in charge--
(TAPS BOOKS)
--of picking a great new health care plan, right?
(TAPS BOOK) That's what this is all about.
Does that make me their doctor?
Yes, in a way.
Yeah, like a specialist.
(ADDING MACHINE SOUNDS)
So which health plan have you decided on?
I am going to go with the best, Jan.
I am going to go with the one with the acupuncture,
therapeutic massage-- you know, the works.
JAN: Wait, acupuncture? -Mm-hmm.
None of the plans have acupuncture.
Have you looked at them closely, Michael?
Oh, I think it was you who didn't look closely
enough at the gold plan.
The gold plan?
MICHAEL: Yeah.
I'm not even on that plan.
Well, I'd recommend it. JAN: Michael--
It's very good.
You gotta crack these things open.
JAN: You know, the whole reason that we're
doing this is to save money.
So you just need to pick a provider
and then choose the cheapest plan.
Well, that is a-- kind of a tough assignment.
Um-- it's not gonna be a popular decision--
JAN: It's your job. - --around the old orifice.
JAN: So.
I-- well, it's a suicide mission.
You know?
(LAUGHS)
JAN: Michael--
I-- I don't--
JAN: Maybe, I mean--
They're-- They're--
JAN: You know, sometimes a manager,
like yourself, has to deliver the bad news to the employees.
I do it all the time.
Oh, yeah.
When have you ever done that?
I'm doing it right now to you.
(SIGHS)
Last night on "Trading Spouses"--
(PHONE RINGING)
--there's-- have you seen it?
PAM: No, I have a life. -Interesting.
What's that like?
PAM: You should try it sometime.
Wow.
But then who would watch my TV? (LAUGHS)
- JIM: Sort of like a (INAUDIBLE). - MICHAEL: Jimbo.
PAM: --your problem.
(AWKWARD LAUGH)
There's a decision that needs to be made,
and I'm having an unbelievably busy day so I'm
going to let you pick a health care plan for our office
and then explain it to your coworkers.
Gosh.
MICHAEL: Yeah.
That is a great offer.
Thank you.
I really think I should be concentrating on sales.
Really. JIM: Yeah.
I just don't think that this is the kind of task
that I-- I'm going to do.
You know who would be great for this?
Any time Michael asks me to do anything,
I just tell him that Dwight should do it.
Yes.
I can do it.
I'm your man.
Right now, this is just a job.
If I advance any higher in this company then
this would be my career.
(LAUGHS)
And, uh, well, if this were my career,
I'd have to throw myself in front of a train.
OK.
First, let's go over some parameters.
How many people can I fire?
Uh, none.
You're picking a health care plan.
OK.
We'll table that for the time being.
Two, I'm gonna need an office.
I think the conference room should be fine.
You can use the conference room as a temporary workspace.
Yes!
I have an office-- (QUIETLY) bigger than his.
Nope. You cannot use it.
OK.
I take it back-- it's a workspace.
--temporary workspace.
You can use it.
Thank you.
If Dwight fails then that is strike two
and good for me for, uh, giving him a second chance.
And if he succeeds, then, you know,
no one will be prouder than I am.
I groomed him.
I made him what he is today-- unless he fails
and, uh-- talked about that already.
(PHONES RINGING)
DWIGHT: What did I do?
I did my job.
I slashed benefits to the bone.
I saved this company money.
Was I too harsh?
Maybe.
I don't believe in coddling people.
In the wild, there is no health care.
In the wild, health care is, ow, I hurt my leg.
I can't run.
A lion eats me and I'm dead.
Wow.
I'm not dead.
I'm the lion.
You're dead.
(COPY MACHINE RUNNING)
STANLEY: There's no dental, there's no vision.
There's a $1,200 deductible.
(PHONE RINGING)
Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam.
MICHAEL (ON PHONE): Pam, Michael Scott.
How's tricks?
Where are you? (SIGHS)
MICHAEL (ON PHONE): I am in my office.
I am swamped.
I have work up to my ears.
I'm busy, busy, busy, busy-- can't step away.
I just wanted to check in and see how everybody's doing.
Everybody cool out there?
PAM: Um, actually, people are really unhappy.
Um, Dwight sent around this memo and people
are freaking out because the--
MICHAEL (ON PHONE): Pam, you know--
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa-- I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I--
I-- I gotta go.
I'm getting a call.
No, you're not.
I have to make a call after I finish-- my work.
You know what?
Um, just don't let anybody in my office under any conditions
today.
I'm just too busy-- too swamped, you know?
I am unreachable.
- I am incommunicado, capisce? - PAM (ON PHONE): OK.
Thank you. Oh, god.
Here we go again.
Gotta go.
I have to take this.
PAM (ON PHONE): Still no one calling.
PAM: Dwight, what is this--
DWIGHT: Uh, knock please.
Please, knock.
This is an office.
It says workspace.
Same thing.
If it's the same thing, then why'd you write workspace?
Just knock, please?
OK-- as a sign of a respect for your superior?
You are not my superior.
Oh, gee, then why do I have an office?
Thought it was a workspace, Dwight.
OK.
Dwight, are you really in charge of picking
the health care plan?
Yes, and my decision is final.
This is a ridiculously awful plan
because you cut everything.
DWIGHT: (SARCASTICALLY) Oh, times are tough, Pam.
Deal with it--
You cut more than you had to, didn't you?
DWIGHT: Sure. -Well, why did you do that?
You work here, don't you want good insurance?
Don't need it.
Never been sick-- perfect immune system.
OK.
Well, if you've never been sick then
you don't have any antibodies.
I don't need them-- superior genes.
I'm a Schrute-- and superior brain power.
Through concentration, I can raise and lower
my cholesterol at will.
Why would you wanna raise your cholesterol?
So I can lower it.
(PHONE RINGING)
OSCAR: He literally won't come out of his office.
He's gotta come out sometime-- to got to the bathroom.
ANGELA: Kevin, that's inappropriate.
(WATER RUNNING)
Michael, can I talk to you?
Uh, uh, I would love to but I am really busy.
Rain check? OSCAR: Well--
MEREDITH: Uh, Michael?
Michael, please, can we talk to you about this memo?
MICHAEL: Uh, what-- which a-- which memo?
Dwight's health care memo.
I told you about it. -It a good plan?
It's a great plan-- saves the company a fortune.
OSCAR: It's like a pay decrease.
Michael, he made huge cuts.
Cuts-- what-- wow, Dwight, did you make cuts?
Yeah, you said to go ahead and trim--
No, no no, no no, no, you know what?
I said nothing specific because I was so busy.
Why don't you go in there, Dwight,
and find these people a plan that'll work for them, OK?
DWIGHT: I can handle it.
MICHAEL: OK?
All right.
We feel good?
All right. Good.
Plus, there's some other good news.
Today, at the end of the day, I will have, for all
of you, a big surprise, OK?
So hang in there and I will see you at the end of the day,
all right?
OSCAR: This is not good.
It's ridiculous.
Did you talk to him?
What was that?
--You let him walk all over you.
It's just pathetic.
KEVIN: What are you guys talking about?
ANGELA: Nothing, Kevin.
Do I know what the surprise is?
Hell, no.
It doesn't matter.
The point is, they're not unhappy anymore.
They're out there thinking, wow, my boss really cares about me.
He has a surprise.
He's cool.
Why-- what a great guy.
I love him.
OK, everyone. Gather round.
Step forward.
It has been brought to my attention that some of you
are unhappy with my plan.
So what I'd like you to do is to fill this out and write down
any diseases you have that you might want covered,
and I'll see what I can do.
OK.
You know what, Dwight?
We can't write our diseases down for you
because that's confidential. -OK.
Well, I didn't say to write your name down, did I?
Fill it out, leave it anonymous or don't
write any disease down at all, and it won't be covered.
Sound fair? Good.
All right, I'll be in my office.
JIM: Workspace.
You know what, come with me.
We are going on a little mission-- operation surprise.
(PHONE RINGING)
PAM: Where are you going?
Um, headed out-- part of my busy day, you know-- meetings.
(LAUGHS)
Couldn't find the knob.
So basically, I want to do something
nice for my employees.
Atlantic City, OK?
They have this thing where they send a bus, right-- for free.
It picks everybody up.
You head down there, get to the hotel, room is comped,
and they give you a big pile of chips,
and your food-- everything just kind of all inclusive,
free, kind of, weekend.
I don't know of anything like that.
But, um, you know what you might want
to do is just call those casinos directly, uh, maybe?
MICHAEL: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, I did so--
(PHONE RINGING)
Wait, what are you writing?
Don't write Ebola or mad cow disease, all right?
'Cause I'm suffering from both of them.
(LAUGHS)
I'm inventing new diseases.
Oh, great.
So, like, let's say that my teeth turned to liquid
and then they drip down the back of my throat.
What would you call that?
I thought you said you were inventing diseases?
That's spontaneous dento hydropolosion.
Nice.
JIM: Thank you.
MICHAEL: Callin' to ask you a little favoroonie, my friend.
Um, trying to give the troops around here
a little bit of a boost, and I was thinking
that maybe we could take 'em down to take
a spin on your big ride.
MALE (ON PHONE): You mean the elevator that takes
you down into the mine shaft?
It's not really a ride.
It says here that it's a 300 foot drop.
MALE (ON PHONE): Well, it goes 300 feet into the earth
but it moves really slowly.
So it's not a free fall.
MALE (ON PHONE): It's an industrial coal elevator.
MICHAEL: Uh, all right.
Well, once you get down into the mine, what do you--
you got laser tag or something? OK.
So I don't know what the surprise is.
Am I worried?
No.
No way.
And see, I thrive on this.
This is my world.
This is improv.
This is "Whose Line Is It Anyway."
(ANGRY GRUNTS)
(ANGRY) Jim!
All right, who did this? I'm not mad.
I just want to know who did it so I can punish them.
What are you talking about?
Uh, Someone-- uh-- forged medical information and that
is a felony. -OK.
Whoa.
All right-- 'cause that's a pretty intense accusation.
How do you know that they're fake?
Uh, leprosy, flesh eating bacteria, hot dog fingers--
(LAUGHTER)
--government created killer, nano-robot infection.
(LAUGHTER)
You did this, didn't you? -Absolutely not.
DWIGHT: Yes you did. -No, I didn't.
I know it was you. OK, fine.
You know what?
I'm going to have to interview each and every one of you
until the perpetrator makes him or herself known.
And until that time, there will be no health
care coverage for anyone!
Killer, nano-robots?
It's an epidemic.
(ADDING MACHINE SOUNDS)
The problem, Jim--
JIM: Mm-hmm.
--is that people who are really suffering from a medical
condition won't receive the care they need
because someone in this office is coming up
with all this ridiculous stuff.
Count Choculitus? (WHISTLES)
Sounds tough.
Why did you write that down, Jim?
Is it because you know I love Count Chocula?
Do you?
I think you need to confess--
JIM: Mm-hmm.
--the fact-- JIM: Yep.
DWIGHT: --that-- What are you doing?
- (KEYS RATTLING) - JIM: What?
Those are my keys.
JIM: Good luck.
DWIGHT: Jim!
Damnit!
No!
Jim, let me out!
Jim, let--
(KEYS LAND LOUDLY)
The light green-- the green and the--
(PHONE RINGING)
Jim Halpert.
DWIGHT (ON PHONE): Let me out.
Who is this?
DWIGHT (ON PHONE): Let me out or you're fired.
No, you can't fire me.
DWIGHT (ON PHONE): Yes, I can.
I'm manager for the day. -Mm-hmm.
DWIGHT (ON PHONE): Clean out your desk.
(PHONE RINGING) -OK.
Can you hold on one second?
I'm getting the, uh, beep.
- Jim Halpert. - PAM (ON PHONE): Hey, Jim.
It's Pam. -Hey, Pam.
How are ya?
DWIGHT (IN LOCKED OFFICE): Jim, open the door!
PAM (ON PHONE): Good, how are you?
You busy? -I'm doin' OK.
Gettin' excited for the weekend though.
PAM (ON PHONE): Yeah. -Yeah, what are you up to?
DWIGHT (IN LOCKED OFFICE): Jim!
PAM (ON PHONE): Um, I'm not bothering you, am I?
No, not at all. (BANGING ON WINDOW)
PAM (ON PHONE): You don't have anything you're doing?
- I have nothing to do. - PAM (ON PHONE): Oh, great.
DWIGHT (IN LOCKED OFFICE): Jim!
PAM (ON PHONE): Um, yeah, no, this weekend-- nothing.
I'm not really doing anything.
JIM: Oh, yeah? -Jim!
PAM (ON PHONE): I might go to the mall.
- The mall? - DWIGHT (IN LOCKED OFFICE): Jim!
PAM (ON PHONE): I need new shoes.
(BANGING ON WINDOW)
Oh, interesting.
What kind of shoes? (PHONE RINGING)
JAN (ON PHONE): Hello?
Hello, uh, this is Dwight Schrute
calling for Jan Levinson-Gould.
JAN (ON PHONE): This is Jan.
Hi, Dwight Schrute calling-- acting
manager, Scranton branch.
Listen, I needed your permission to fire Jim Halpert.
JAN (ON PHONE): Who is this?
Dwight Schrute.
JAN (ON PHONE): From sales? -Well--
JAN (ON PHONE): Where's Michael Scott?
Uh, he is not here right now.
He put me in charge of the office.
(PHONE RINGING)
JAN (ON PHONE): Dwight, listen to me very carefully.
You are not a manager of anything, understand?
That's not entirely true because he
put me in charge of picking the health care plan.
JAN (ON PHONE): (SHOCKED) Really?
- DWIGHT: Yeah. - JAN (ON PHONE): OK.
When Michael gets back, you tell him to call me immediately.
Call you immediately, good.
JAN (ON PHONE): Yes.
Oh, hey, listen, um, since I have you on the phone, um,
can I fire Jim?
JAN (ON PHONE): No.
And please, don't use my cellphone ever again.
Oh, this is your ce-- I thought this was your--
(DIAL TONE)
(OFFICE CHATTER)
(DOOR OPENING)
MICHAEL: Hey, hey, everybody!
Ice cream Sandwiches-- aaahhh!
(LAUGHS)
Here you go-- take one, take one.
It's all good. Phyllis, think fast.
Ya-boom!
Oh, oh, I see Angela, right?
Angela, aaahhh!
(LAUGHS)
Hey, Tim, why don't you take two because you don't get health
care and uh, faster metabolism.
Did you get the kind with the cookies instead of the--
Why don't you just eat it, OK?
And here you go, Stanley the manley.
STANLEY: Ah, thanks. -There you go.
STANLEY: This isn't the big surprise, is it?
Because we've been having a pretty horrible day.
Uh, nope.
Nope.
This isn't the surprise.
It's surprising because you didn't expect it but you will--
you'll know it when you see it.
(THUD)
(BANGING ON WINDOW)
DWIGHT (IN LOCKED OFFICE): Michael!
Michael!
Oh, for Christ's sake.
I tried being rational, OK?
And what happened?
The employees went crazy.
I got no help from corporate so that leaves me with no options.
I'm now going to read aloud your submitted medical conditions.
When you hear yours read, please raise your hand
to indicate that it is real.
If you do not raise your hand, it will not be covered.
What about confidentiality?
DWIGHT: You know what?
You have forfeited that privilege.
I have tried to treat you all as adults
but, obviously, I am the only adult here.
Number one, inverted penis.
Could you mean vagina?
Because if you do, I want that covered.
I thought your vagina was removed
during your hysterectomy?
A uterus is different from a vagina.
I still have a vagina.
MICHAEL: Ugh.
(SIGHS) -OK.
Great.
Dermatitis. Thank you, Angela.
I'll make sure that's covered.
OK, now, who wrote this-- this hysterical one?
Anal fissures?
That's a real thing.
DWIGHT: Yeah, but no one here has it.
Someone has it.
STANLEY: Do you think we should go?
OSCAR: I don't know but I mean-- if this is important I
don't want-- there he is.
STANLEY: What is he doing? OSCAR: I don't know.
- (SIGHS) - OSCAR: Well-- well?
Well, what?
You could be referring to anything.
OSCAR: OK-- the health care plan.
Why did you put Dwight in charge of that?
He did a horrible job.
Uh, Dwight?
Did you raise benefits?
-I most certainly did not. -Oh, come on!
That's horrible!
Duh!
Thanks, Dwight, for a crappy plan.
(DISINGENUOUS) Ugh, damn!
Oh, mm, I wish I had time to change it but--
(SIGHS)
--Jan needs it by five and-- what time is it?
What time is it? (RELIEVED) Oh, it's after five.
Uh, ugh.
(DISINGENUOUS) It's awful!
So, well, OK.
See you guys on Monday.
What about the surprise?
Oh, yes.
Exactly-- thank you, Angela, for reminding me.
Terrific.
Um, before I tell everybody what the big surprise is,
would you like to tell me what you think the big surprise is?
STANLEY: We all think you don't have a surprise.
MICHAEL: All right, I have some news for ya.
There is a big surprise.
And here it is!
Here we go!
And the big surprise is-- brrrrrrrrr,
drum roll, brrrrrrrr.
(SIGHS)
(BREATHES NERVOUSLY)
When I am backed into a corner that is when I come alive.
See I learned improv from the greats
like, um, Drew Carey and Ryan Stiles.
Ah, this--
(SIGHS)
Robin Williams.
Oh, man, would I love to go head-to-head with him.
Oh! That would be exciting.
(IMITATING ROBIN WILLIAMS) I'm Mork from Ork.
Well, I'm-- I'm Bork from Smork.
Nanoo, nanoo. Jibilee, Balubalu.
(DOOR CLOSING)
Oh, uh, Jan wants you to call her.
(TRUMPET SOUNDS)
(NBC JINGLE)