1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,490 (THEME MUSIC) 2 00:00:32,420 --> 00:00:33,250 Pam! 3 00:00:33,250 --> 00:00:35,850 Pamela, Pame-lama ding-dong. 4 00:00:35,850 --> 00:00:36,550 Making copies. 5 00:00:36,550 --> 00:00:37,830 (PHONE RINGING) 6 00:00:37,830 --> 00:00:39,250 I'm not making any copies. 7 00:00:39,250 --> 00:00:40,320 Let's go! 8 00:00:40,320 --> 00:00:42,270 Messages, stat! 9 00:00:42,270 --> 00:00:43,570 Lots to do, lots to do. 10 00:00:43,570 --> 00:00:44,830 Information superhighway. 11 00:00:44,830 --> 00:00:45,860 -Nothing new. -Lay them on moi. 12 00:00:45,860 --> 00:00:47,610 What? -There's nothing new. 13 00:00:47,610 --> 00:00:49,090 That's not what you said earlier. 14 00:00:49,090 --> 00:00:50,830 Oh, do you want me to repeat the messages that 15 00:00:50,830 --> 00:00:52,960 I gave you before for the-- 16 00:00:57,150 --> 00:01:00,760 The most sacred thing I do is care and provide 17 00:01:00,760 --> 00:01:02,830 for my workers-- my family. 18 00:01:02,830 --> 00:01:04,380 I give them money. 19 00:01:04,380 --> 00:01:05,730 I give them food. 20 00:01:05,730 --> 00:01:06,790 (PHONE RINGING) 21 00:01:06,790 --> 00:01:12,880 Not directly but through the money-- I heal them. 22 00:01:12,880 --> 00:01:14,020 Today, I am in charge-- 23 00:01:14,020 --> 00:01:14,790 (TAPS BOOKS) 24 00:01:14,790 --> 00:01:17,810 --of picking a great new health care plan, right? 25 00:01:17,810 --> 00:01:21,880 (TAPS BOOK) That's what this is all about. 26 00:01:21,880 --> 00:01:22,910 Does that make me their doctor? 27 00:01:27,100 --> 00:01:30,090 Yes, in a way. 28 00:01:30,090 --> 00:01:32,350 Yeah, like a specialist. 29 00:01:32,350 --> 00:01:34,670 (ADDING MACHINE SOUNDS) 30 00:01:35,600 --> 00:01:38,130 So which health plan have you decided on? 31 00:01:38,130 --> 00:01:40,420 I am going to go with the best, Jan. 32 00:01:40,420 --> 00:01:44,140 I am going to go with the one with the acupuncture, 33 00:01:44,140 --> 00:01:46,600 therapeutic massage-- you know, the works. 34 00:01:46,600 --> 00:01:48,280 JAN: Wait, acupuncture? -Mm-hmm. 35 00:01:48,280 --> 00:01:49,820 None of the plans have acupuncture. 36 00:01:49,820 --> 00:01:51,910 Have you looked at them closely, Michael? 37 00:01:51,910 --> 00:01:54,440 Oh, I think it was you who didn't look closely 38 00:01:54,440 --> 00:01:57,070 enough at the gold plan. 39 00:01:57,070 --> 00:01:58,080 The gold plan? 40 00:01:58,080 --> 00:01:58,790 MICHAEL: Yeah. 41 00:01:58,790 --> 00:02:00,150 I'm not even on that plan. 42 00:02:00,150 --> 00:02:01,650 Well, I'd recommend it. JAN: Michael-- 43 00:02:01,650 --> 00:02:02,360 It's very good. 44 00:02:05,340 --> 00:02:06,470 You gotta crack these things open. 45 00:02:06,470 --> 00:02:07,870 JAN: You know, the whole reason that we're 46 00:02:07,870 --> 00:02:10,900 doing this is to save money. 47 00:02:10,900 --> 00:02:13,140 So you just need to pick a provider 48 00:02:13,140 --> 00:02:16,690 and then choose the cheapest plan. 49 00:02:16,690 --> 00:02:21,630 Well, that is a-- kind of a tough assignment. 50 00:02:21,630 --> 00:02:23,490 Um-- it's not gonna be a popular decision-- 51 00:02:23,490 --> 00:02:25,310 JAN: It's your job. - --around the old orifice. 52 00:02:25,310 --> 00:02:26,010 JAN: So. 53 00:02:26,010 --> 00:02:27,710 I-- well, it's a suicide mission. 54 00:02:27,710 --> 00:02:28,650 You know? 55 00:02:28,650 --> 00:02:29,590 (LAUGHS) 56 00:02:29,590 --> 00:02:30,430 JAN: Michael-- 57 00:02:30,430 --> 00:02:31,210 I-- I don't-- 58 00:02:31,210 --> 00:02:31,910 JAN: Maybe, I mean-- 59 00:02:31,910 --> 00:02:32,670 They're-- They're-- 60 00:02:32,670 --> 00:02:35,180 JAN: You know, sometimes a manager, 61 00:02:35,180 --> 00:02:38,360 like yourself, has to deliver the bad news to the employees. 62 00:02:38,360 --> 00:02:39,420 I do it all the time. 63 00:02:39,420 --> 00:02:40,120 Oh, yeah. 64 00:02:40,120 --> 00:02:41,090 When have you ever done that? 65 00:02:41,090 --> 00:02:44,320 I'm doing it right now to you. 66 00:02:44,320 --> 00:02:46,690 (SIGHS) 67 00:02:46,690 --> 00:02:48,340 Last night on "Trading Spouses"-- 68 00:02:48,340 --> 00:02:49,080 (PHONE RINGING) 69 00:02:49,080 --> 00:02:50,090 --there's-- have you seen it? 70 00:02:50,090 --> 00:02:52,050 PAM: No, I have a life. -Interesting. 71 00:02:52,050 --> 00:02:52,980 What's that like? 72 00:02:52,980 --> 00:02:54,140 PAM: You should try it sometime. 73 00:02:54,140 --> 00:02:56,030 Wow. 74 00:02:56,030 --> 00:02:57,930 But then who would watch my TV? (LAUGHS) 75 00:02:57,930 --> 00:02:59,910 - JIM: Sort of like a (INAUDIBLE). - MICHAEL: Jimbo. 76 00:02:59,910 --> 00:03:01,380 PAM: --your problem. 77 00:03:01,380 --> 00:03:03,850 (AWKWARD LAUGH) 78 00:03:05,330 --> 00:03:06,880 There's a decision that needs to be made, 79 00:03:06,880 --> 00:03:11,150 and I'm having an unbelievably busy day so I'm 80 00:03:11,150 --> 00:03:15,380 going to let you pick a health care plan for our office 81 00:03:15,380 --> 00:03:20,380 and then explain it to your coworkers. 82 00:03:20,380 --> 00:03:21,340 Gosh. 83 00:03:21,340 --> 00:03:22,800 MICHAEL: Yeah. 84 00:03:22,800 --> 00:03:25,040 That is a great offer. 85 00:03:25,040 --> 00:03:27,510 Thank you. 86 00:03:27,510 --> 00:03:30,770 I really think I should be concentrating on sales. 87 00:03:30,770 --> 00:03:32,780 Really. JIM: Yeah. 88 00:03:32,780 --> 00:03:34,800 I just don't think that this is the kind of task 89 00:03:34,800 --> 00:03:38,830 that I-- I'm going to do. 90 00:03:38,830 --> 00:03:40,840 You know who would be great for this? 91 00:03:40,840 --> 00:03:43,140 Any time Michael asks me to do anything, 92 00:03:43,140 --> 00:03:45,360 I just tell him that Dwight should do it. 93 00:03:45,360 --> 00:03:46,370 Yes. 94 00:03:46,370 --> 00:03:47,760 I can do it. 95 00:03:47,760 --> 00:03:48,530 I'm your man. 96 00:03:48,530 --> 00:03:50,730 Right now, this is just a job. 97 00:03:50,730 --> 00:03:53,020 If I advance any higher in this company then 98 00:03:53,020 --> 00:03:53,850 this would be my career. 99 00:03:53,850 --> 00:03:54,820 (LAUGHS) 100 00:03:54,820 --> 00:03:59,580 And, uh, well, if this were my career, 101 00:03:59,580 --> 00:04:01,860 I'd have to throw myself in front of a train. 102 00:04:01,860 --> 00:04:02,560 OK. 103 00:04:02,560 --> 00:04:05,050 First, let's go over some parameters. 104 00:04:05,050 --> 00:04:06,700 How many people can I fire? 105 00:04:06,700 --> 00:04:08,550 Uh, none. 106 00:04:08,550 --> 00:04:10,830 You're picking a health care plan. 107 00:04:10,830 --> 00:04:11,530 OK. 108 00:04:11,530 --> 00:04:13,120 We'll table that for the time being. 109 00:04:13,120 --> 00:04:14,670 Two, I'm gonna need an office. 110 00:04:14,670 --> 00:04:16,100 I think the conference room should be fine. 111 00:04:16,100 --> 00:04:18,870 You can use the conference room as a temporary workspace. 112 00:04:18,870 --> 00:04:19,570 Yes! 113 00:04:19,570 --> 00:04:22,620 I have an office-- (QUIETLY) bigger than his. 114 00:04:22,620 --> 00:04:24,020 Nope. You cannot use it. 115 00:04:24,020 --> 00:04:24,720 OK. 116 00:04:24,720 --> 00:04:26,150 I take it back-- it's a workspace. 117 00:04:26,150 --> 00:04:26,970 --temporary workspace. 118 00:04:26,970 --> 00:04:28,420 You can use it. 119 00:04:28,420 --> 00:04:31,850 Thank you. 120 00:04:31,850 --> 00:04:33,430 If Dwight fails then that is strike two 121 00:04:33,430 --> 00:04:37,310 and good for me for, uh, giving him a second chance. 122 00:04:37,310 --> 00:04:39,810 And if he succeeds, then, you know, 123 00:04:39,810 --> 00:04:41,300 no one will be prouder than I am. 124 00:04:41,300 --> 00:04:42,570 I groomed him. 125 00:04:42,570 --> 00:04:47,890 I made him what he is today-- unless he fails 126 00:04:47,890 --> 00:04:52,890 and, uh-- talked about that already. 127 00:04:52,890 --> 00:04:55,210 (PHONES RINGING) 128 00:04:55,210 --> 00:04:56,610 DWIGHT: What did I do? 129 00:04:56,610 --> 00:04:58,060 I did my job. 130 00:04:58,060 --> 00:04:59,710 I slashed benefits to the bone. 131 00:04:59,710 --> 00:05:01,660 I saved this company money. 132 00:05:01,660 --> 00:05:02,460 Was I too harsh? 133 00:05:02,460 --> 00:05:03,940 Maybe. 134 00:05:03,940 --> 00:05:06,370 I don't believe in coddling people. 135 00:05:06,370 --> 00:05:09,520 In the wild, there is no health care. 136 00:05:09,520 --> 00:05:13,160 In the wild, health care is, ow, I hurt my leg. 137 00:05:13,160 --> 00:05:14,460 I can't run. 138 00:05:14,460 --> 00:05:17,050 A lion eats me and I'm dead. 139 00:05:17,050 --> 00:05:18,460 Wow. 140 00:05:18,460 --> 00:05:20,370 I'm not dead. 141 00:05:20,370 --> 00:05:23,040 I'm the lion. 142 00:05:23,040 --> 00:05:24,670 You're dead. 143 00:05:24,670 --> 00:05:26,570 (COPY MACHINE RUNNING) 144 00:05:28,950 --> 00:05:30,890 STANLEY: There's no dental, there's no vision. 145 00:05:30,890 --> 00:05:33,430 There's a $1,200 deductible. 146 00:05:33,430 --> 00:05:36,740 (PHONE RINGING) 147 00:05:36,740 --> 00:05:38,010 Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. 148 00:05:38,010 --> 00:05:39,310 MICHAEL (ON PHONE): Pam, Michael Scott. 149 00:05:39,310 --> 00:05:41,240 How's tricks? 150 00:05:41,240 --> 00:05:43,150 Where are you? (SIGHS) 151 00:05:43,150 --> 00:05:45,160 MICHAEL (ON PHONE): I am in my office. 152 00:05:45,160 --> 00:05:46,780 I am swamped. 153 00:05:46,780 --> 00:05:49,300 I have work up to my ears. 154 00:05:49,300 --> 00:05:51,460 I'm busy, busy, busy, busy-- can't step away. 155 00:05:51,460 --> 00:05:55,360 I just wanted to check in and see how everybody's doing. 156 00:05:55,360 --> 00:05:56,600 Everybody cool out there? 157 00:05:56,600 --> 00:05:59,310 PAM: Um, actually, people are really unhappy. 158 00:05:59,310 --> 00:06:01,900 Um, Dwight sent around this memo and people 159 00:06:01,900 --> 00:06:02,900 are freaking out because the-- 160 00:06:02,900 --> 00:06:03,140 MICHAEL (ON PHONE): Pam, you know-- 161 00:06:03,140 --> 00:06:04,620 whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa-- I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I-- 162 00:06:04,620 --> 00:06:05,480 I-- I gotta go. 163 00:06:05,480 --> 00:06:07,120 I'm getting a call. 164 00:06:07,120 --> 00:06:07,820 No, you're not. 165 00:06:10,460 --> 00:06:13,450 I have to make a call after I finish-- my work. 166 00:06:13,450 --> 00:06:14,200 You know what? 167 00:06:14,200 --> 00:06:16,830 Um, just don't let anybody in my office under any conditions 168 00:06:16,830 --> 00:06:17,530 today. 169 00:06:17,530 --> 00:06:21,610 I'm just too busy-- too swamped, you know? 170 00:06:21,610 --> 00:06:23,030 I am unreachable. 171 00:06:23,030 --> 00:06:25,480 - I am incommunicado, capisce? - PAM (ON PHONE): OK. 172 00:06:25,480 --> 00:06:26,830 Thank you. Oh, god. 173 00:06:26,830 --> 00:06:28,240 Here we go again. 174 00:06:28,240 --> 00:06:29,070 Gotta go. 175 00:06:29,070 --> 00:06:30,090 I have to take this. 176 00:06:30,090 --> 00:06:31,320 PAM (ON PHONE): Still no one calling. 177 00:06:36,290 --> 00:06:37,500 PAM: Dwight, what is this-- 178 00:06:37,500 --> 00:06:38,790 DWIGHT: Uh, knock please. 179 00:06:38,790 --> 00:06:39,620 Please, knock. 180 00:06:39,620 --> 00:06:40,610 This is an office. 181 00:06:40,610 --> 00:06:41,570 It says workspace. 182 00:06:41,570 --> 00:06:42,440 Same thing. 183 00:06:42,440 --> 00:06:46,030 If it's the same thing, then why'd you write workspace? 184 00:06:46,030 --> 00:06:47,800 Just knock, please? 185 00:06:47,800 --> 00:06:49,650 OK-- as a sign of a respect for your superior? 186 00:06:49,650 --> 00:06:50,880 You are not my superior. 187 00:06:50,880 --> 00:06:52,210 Oh, gee, then why do I have an office? 188 00:06:52,210 --> 00:06:53,410 Thought it was a workspace, Dwight. 189 00:06:53,410 --> 00:06:54,440 OK. 190 00:06:54,440 --> 00:06:57,280 Dwight, are you really in charge of picking 191 00:06:57,280 --> 00:06:58,200 the health care plan? 192 00:06:58,200 --> 00:06:59,970 Yes, and my decision is final. 193 00:06:59,970 --> 00:07:02,290 This is a ridiculously awful plan 194 00:07:02,290 --> 00:07:03,910 because you cut everything. 195 00:07:03,910 --> 00:07:05,540 DWIGHT: (SARCASTICALLY) Oh, times are tough, Pam. 196 00:07:05,540 --> 00:07:06,240 Deal with it-- 197 00:07:06,240 --> 00:07:07,660 You cut more than you had to, didn't you? 198 00:07:07,660 --> 00:07:09,370 DWIGHT: Sure. -Well, why did you do that? 199 00:07:09,370 --> 00:07:11,050 You work here, don't you want good insurance? 200 00:07:11,050 --> 00:07:11,820 Don't need it. 201 00:07:11,820 --> 00:07:13,430 Never been sick-- perfect immune system. 202 00:07:13,430 --> 00:07:14,130 OK. 203 00:07:14,130 --> 00:07:15,380 Well, if you've never been sick then 204 00:07:15,380 --> 00:07:16,980 you don't have any antibodies. 205 00:07:16,980 --> 00:07:19,540 I don't need them-- superior genes. 206 00:07:19,540 --> 00:07:22,250 I'm a Schrute-- and superior brain power. 207 00:07:22,250 --> 00:07:24,870 Through concentration, I can raise and lower 208 00:07:24,870 --> 00:07:27,720 my cholesterol at will. 209 00:07:27,720 --> 00:07:29,740 Why would you wanna raise your cholesterol? 210 00:07:29,740 --> 00:07:32,090 So I can lower it. 211 00:07:32,090 --> 00:07:33,020 (PHONE RINGING) 212 00:07:33,020 --> 00:07:36,630 OSCAR: He literally won't come out of his office. 213 00:07:36,630 --> 00:07:42,020 He's gotta come out sometime-- to got to the bathroom. 214 00:07:42,020 --> 00:07:45,740 ANGELA: Kevin, that's inappropriate. 215 00:07:45,740 --> 00:07:48,170 (WATER RUNNING) 216 00:07:48,170 --> 00:07:49,240 Michael, can I talk to you? 217 00:07:49,240 --> 00:07:52,620 Uh, uh, I would love to but I am really busy. 218 00:07:52,620 --> 00:07:54,350 Rain check? OSCAR: Well-- 219 00:07:54,350 --> 00:07:55,300 MEREDITH: Uh, Michael? 220 00:07:55,300 --> 00:07:57,690 Michael, please, can we talk to you about this memo? 221 00:07:57,690 --> 00:08:00,150 MICHAEL: Uh, what-- which a-- which memo? 222 00:08:00,150 --> 00:08:01,230 Dwight's health care memo. 223 00:08:01,230 --> 00:08:02,940 I told you about it. -It a good plan? 224 00:08:02,940 --> 00:08:05,300 It's a great plan-- saves the company a fortune. 225 00:08:05,300 --> 00:08:06,890 OSCAR: It's like a pay decrease. 226 00:08:06,890 --> 00:08:08,410 Michael, he made huge cuts. 227 00:08:08,410 --> 00:08:11,370 Cuts-- what-- wow, Dwight, did you make cuts? 228 00:08:11,370 --> 00:08:12,640 Yeah, you said to go ahead and trim-- 229 00:08:12,640 --> 00:08:15,120 No, no no, no no, no, you know what? 230 00:08:15,120 --> 00:08:17,960 I said nothing specific because I was so busy. 231 00:08:17,960 --> 00:08:19,930 Why don't you go in there, Dwight, 232 00:08:19,930 --> 00:08:23,580 and find these people a plan that'll work for them, OK? 233 00:08:23,580 --> 00:08:24,380 DWIGHT: I can handle it. 234 00:08:24,380 --> 00:08:25,980 MICHAEL: OK? 235 00:08:25,980 --> 00:08:27,260 All right. 236 00:08:27,260 --> 00:08:28,970 We feel good? 237 00:08:28,970 --> 00:08:30,430 All right. Good. 238 00:08:32,840 --> 00:08:37,550 Plus, there's some other good news. 239 00:08:37,550 --> 00:08:41,950 Today, at the end of the day, I will have, for all 240 00:08:41,950 --> 00:08:46,310 of you, a big surprise, OK? 241 00:08:46,310 --> 00:08:50,360 So hang in there and I will see you at the end of the day, 242 00:08:50,360 --> 00:08:51,170 all right? 243 00:09:00,000 --> 00:09:01,040 OSCAR: This is not good. 244 00:09:01,040 --> 00:09:02,490 It's ridiculous. 245 00:09:02,490 --> 00:09:04,290 Did you talk to him? 246 00:09:04,290 --> 00:09:05,860 What was that? 247 00:09:05,860 --> 00:09:07,130 --You let him walk all over you. 248 00:09:07,130 --> 00:09:08,250 It's just pathetic. 249 00:09:08,250 --> 00:09:09,540 KEVIN: What are you guys talking about? 250 00:09:09,540 --> 00:09:11,480 ANGELA: Nothing, Kevin. 251 00:09:11,480 --> 00:09:12,900 Do I know what the surprise is? 252 00:09:12,900 --> 00:09:13,750 Hell, no. 253 00:09:13,750 --> 00:09:15,270 It doesn't matter. 254 00:09:15,270 --> 00:09:17,350 The point is, they're not unhappy anymore. 255 00:09:17,350 --> 00:09:20,760 They're out there thinking, wow, my boss really cares about me. 256 00:09:20,760 --> 00:09:22,160 He has a surprise. 257 00:09:22,160 --> 00:09:23,330 He's cool. 258 00:09:23,330 --> 00:09:25,510 Why-- what a great guy. 259 00:09:25,510 --> 00:09:28,400 I love him. 260 00:09:28,400 --> 00:09:32,200 I love him. 261 00:09:32,200 --> 00:09:33,880 OK, everyone. Gather round. 262 00:09:37,490 --> 00:09:38,190 Step forward. 263 00:09:41,360 --> 00:09:43,090 It has been brought to my attention that some of you 264 00:09:43,090 --> 00:09:44,380 are unhappy with my plan. 265 00:09:44,380 --> 00:09:47,520 So what I'd like you to do is to fill this out and write down 266 00:09:47,520 --> 00:09:49,550 any diseases you have that you might want covered, 267 00:09:49,550 --> 00:09:50,820 and I'll see what I can do. 268 00:09:50,820 --> 00:09:51,520 OK. 269 00:09:51,520 --> 00:09:52,250 You know what, Dwight? 270 00:09:52,250 --> 00:09:54,040 We can't write our diseases down for you 271 00:09:54,040 --> 00:09:55,940 because that's confidential. -OK. 272 00:09:55,940 --> 00:09:58,560 Well, I didn't say to write your name down, did I? 273 00:09:58,560 --> 00:10:01,030 Fill it out, leave it anonymous or don't 274 00:10:01,030 --> 00:10:03,050 write any disease down at all, and it won't be covered. 275 00:10:03,050 --> 00:10:04,010 Sound fair? Good. 276 00:10:04,010 --> 00:10:05,660 All right, I'll be in my office. 277 00:10:05,660 --> 00:10:08,400 JIM: Workspace. 278 00:10:08,400 --> 00:10:10,390 You know what, come with me. 279 00:10:10,390 --> 00:10:14,850 We are going on a little mission-- operation surprise. 280 00:10:14,850 --> 00:10:16,180 (PHONE RINGING) 281 00:10:16,180 --> 00:10:17,510 PAM: Where are you going? 282 00:10:17,510 --> 00:10:22,680 Um, headed out-- part of my busy day, you know-- meetings. 283 00:10:25,330 --> 00:10:26,280 (LAUGHS) 284 00:10:26,280 --> 00:10:27,330 Couldn't find the knob. 285 00:10:29,970 --> 00:10:32,210 So basically, I want to do something 286 00:10:32,210 --> 00:10:33,840 nice for my employees. 287 00:10:33,840 --> 00:10:36,180 Atlantic City, OK? 288 00:10:36,180 --> 00:10:39,770 They have this thing where they send a bus, right-- for free. 289 00:10:39,770 --> 00:10:40,870 It picks everybody up. 290 00:10:40,870 --> 00:10:43,730 You head down there, get to the hotel, room is comped, 291 00:10:43,730 --> 00:10:45,450 and they give you a big pile of chips, 292 00:10:45,450 --> 00:10:48,810 and your food-- everything just kind of all inclusive, 293 00:10:48,810 --> 00:10:51,360 free, kind of, weekend. 294 00:10:51,360 --> 00:10:52,920 I don't know of anything like that. 295 00:10:52,920 --> 00:10:54,610 But, um, you know what you might want 296 00:10:54,610 --> 00:10:57,330 to do is just call those casinos directly, uh, maybe? 297 00:10:57,330 --> 00:10:58,730 MICHAEL: Yeah, yeah, yeah. 298 00:10:58,730 --> 00:11:00,670 Well, I did so-- 299 00:11:06,960 --> 00:11:09,380 (PHONE RINGING) 300 00:11:13,760 --> 00:11:15,540 Wait, what are you writing? 301 00:11:15,540 --> 00:11:20,440 Don't write Ebola or mad cow disease, all right? 302 00:11:20,440 --> 00:11:21,960 'Cause I'm suffering from both of them. 303 00:11:21,960 --> 00:11:23,460 (LAUGHS) 304 00:11:23,460 --> 00:11:24,800 I'm inventing new diseases. 305 00:11:24,800 --> 00:11:25,590 Oh, great. 306 00:11:25,590 --> 00:11:28,940 So, like, let's say that my teeth turned to liquid 307 00:11:28,940 --> 00:11:31,280 and then they drip down the back of my throat. 308 00:11:31,280 --> 00:11:32,580 What would you call that? 309 00:11:32,580 --> 00:11:34,370 I thought you said you were inventing diseases? 310 00:11:34,370 --> 00:11:35,670 That's spontaneous dento hydropolosion. 311 00:11:37,980 --> 00:11:38,960 Nice. 312 00:11:38,960 --> 00:11:39,670 JIM: Thank you. 313 00:11:39,670 --> 00:11:42,160 MICHAEL: Callin' to ask you a little favoroonie, my friend. 314 00:11:42,160 --> 00:11:45,300 Um, trying to give the troops around here 315 00:11:45,300 --> 00:11:48,540 a little bit of a boost, and I was thinking 316 00:11:48,540 --> 00:11:51,110 that maybe we could take 'em down to take 317 00:11:51,110 --> 00:11:53,460 a spin on your big ride. 318 00:11:53,460 --> 00:11:55,090 MALE (ON PHONE): You mean the elevator that takes 319 00:11:55,090 --> 00:11:56,880 you down into the mine shaft? 320 00:11:56,880 --> 00:11:58,800 It's not really a ride. 321 00:11:58,800 --> 00:12:03,580 It says here that it's a 300 foot drop. 322 00:12:03,580 --> 00:12:05,780 MALE (ON PHONE): Well, it goes 300 feet into the earth 323 00:12:05,780 --> 00:12:08,680 but it moves really slowly. 324 00:12:08,680 --> 00:12:10,460 So it's not a free fall. 325 00:12:10,460 --> 00:12:13,320 MALE (ON PHONE): It's an industrial coal elevator. 326 00:12:13,320 --> 00:12:15,640 MICHAEL: Uh, all right. 327 00:12:15,640 --> 00:12:19,490 Well, once you get down into the mine, what do you-- 328 00:12:19,490 --> 00:12:21,950 you got laser tag or something? OK. 329 00:12:21,950 --> 00:12:22,650 OK. 330 00:12:22,650 --> 00:12:24,080 So I don't know what the surprise is. 331 00:12:24,080 --> 00:12:24,890 Am I worried? 332 00:12:24,890 --> 00:12:25,750 No. 333 00:12:25,750 --> 00:12:26,480 No way. 334 00:12:26,480 --> 00:12:28,250 And see, I thrive on this. 335 00:12:28,250 --> 00:12:29,040 This is my world. 336 00:12:29,040 --> 00:12:30,190 This is improv. 337 00:12:30,190 --> 00:12:32,350 This is "Whose Line Is It Anyway." 338 00:12:32,350 --> 00:12:35,160 (ANGRY GRUNTS) 339 00:12:35,160 --> 00:12:37,960 (ANGRY) Jim! 340 00:12:37,960 --> 00:12:40,600 All right, who did this? I'm not mad. 341 00:12:40,600 --> 00:12:42,350 I just want to know who did it so I can punish them. 342 00:12:42,350 --> 00:12:43,570 What are you talking about? 343 00:12:43,570 --> 00:12:46,910 Uh, Someone-- uh-- forged medical information and that 344 00:12:46,910 --> 00:12:48,310 is a felony. -OK. 345 00:12:48,310 --> 00:12:49,070 Whoa. 346 00:12:49,070 --> 00:12:51,280 All right-- 'cause that's a pretty intense accusation. 347 00:12:51,280 --> 00:12:52,580 How do you know that they're fake? 348 00:12:52,580 --> 00:13:01,120 Uh, leprosy, flesh eating bacteria, hot dog fingers-- 349 00:13:01,120 --> 00:13:02,710 (LAUGHTER) 350 00:13:02,710 --> 00:13:06,600 --government created killer, nano-robot infection. 351 00:13:06,600 --> 00:13:07,960 (LAUGHTER) 352 00:13:07,960 --> 00:13:09,320 You did this, didn't you? -Absolutely not. 353 00:13:09,320 --> 00:13:10,240 DWIGHT: Yes you did. -No, I didn't. 354 00:13:10,240 --> 00:13:11,510 I know it was you. OK, fine. 355 00:13:11,510 --> 00:13:12,210 You know what? 356 00:13:12,210 --> 00:13:14,460 I'm going to have to interview each and every one of you 357 00:13:14,460 --> 00:13:16,970 until the perpetrator makes him or herself known. 358 00:13:16,970 --> 00:13:19,660 And until that time, there will be no health 359 00:13:19,660 --> 00:13:21,130 care coverage for anyone! 360 00:13:24,870 --> 00:13:26,350 Killer, nano-robots? 361 00:13:26,350 --> 00:13:27,730 It's an epidemic. 362 00:13:27,730 --> 00:13:30,360 (ADDING MACHINE SOUNDS) 363 00:13:30,360 --> 00:13:31,560 The problem, Jim-- 364 00:13:31,560 --> 00:13:32,350 JIM: Mm-hmm. 365 00:13:32,350 --> 00:13:35,300 --is that people who are really suffering from a medical 366 00:13:35,300 --> 00:13:37,950 condition won't receive the care they need 367 00:13:37,950 --> 00:13:40,880 because someone in this office is coming up 368 00:13:40,880 --> 00:13:44,430 with all this ridiculous stuff. 369 00:13:44,430 --> 00:13:46,080 Count Choculitus? (WHISTLES) 370 00:13:46,080 --> 00:13:47,260 Sounds tough. 371 00:13:47,260 --> 00:13:49,860 Why did you write that down, Jim? 372 00:13:49,860 --> 00:13:51,510 Is it because you know I love Count Chocula? 373 00:13:51,510 --> 00:13:53,630 Do you? 374 00:13:53,630 --> 00:13:55,070 I think you need to confess-- 375 00:13:55,070 --> 00:13:55,880 JIM: Mm-hmm. 376 00:13:55,880 --> 00:13:56,840 --the fact-- JIM: Yep. 377 00:13:56,840 --> 00:13:58,050 DWIGHT: --that-- What are you doing? 378 00:13:58,050 --> 00:13:59,040 - (KEYS RATTLING) - JIM: What? 379 00:13:59,040 --> 00:13:59,740 Those are my keys. 380 00:13:59,740 --> 00:14:00,500 JIM: Good luck. 381 00:14:00,500 --> 00:14:01,460 DWIGHT: Jim! 382 00:14:01,460 --> 00:14:02,160 Damnit! 383 00:14:02,160 --> 00:14:03,390 No! 384 00:14:03,390 --> 00:14:04,740 Jim, let me out! 385 00:14:04,740 --> 00:14:06,500 Jim, let-- 386 00:14:06,500 --> 00:14:07,900 (KEYS LAND LOUDLY) 387 00:14:07,900 --> 00:14:09,810 The light green-- the green and the-- 388 00:14:09,810 --> 00:14:11,690 (PHONE RINGING) 389 00:14:15,440 --> 00:14:16,230 Jim Halpert. 390 00:14:16,230 --> 00:14:17,230 DWIGHT (ON PHONE): Let me out. 391 00:14:17,230 --> 00:14:17,990 Who is this? 392 00:14:17,990 --> 00:14:19,100 DWIGHT (ON PHONE): Let me out or you're fired. 393 00:14:19,100 --> 00:14:19,910 No, you can't fire me. 394 00:14:19,910 --> 00:14:20,910 DWIGHT (ON PHONE): Yes, I can. 395 00:14:20,910 --> 00:14:22,450 I'm manager for the day. -Mm-hmm. 396 00:14:22,450 --> 00:14:22,980 DWIGHT (ON PHONE): Clean out your desk. 397 00:14:22,980 --> 00:14:23,690 (PHONE RINGING) -OK. 398 00:14:23,690 --> 00:14:24,760 Can you hold on one second? 399 00:14:24,760 --> 00:14:25,880 I'm getting the, uh, beep. 400 00:14:28,970 --> 00:14:30,250 - Jim Halpert. - PAM (ON PHONE): Hey, Jim. 401 00:14:30,250 --> 00:14:32,660 It's Pam. -Hey, Pam. 402 00:14:32,660 --> 00:14:33,360 How are ya? 403 00:14:33,360 --> 00:14:33,900 DWIGHT (IN LOCKED OFFICE): Jim, open the door! 404 00:14:33,900 --> 00:14:35,000 PAM (ON PHONE): Good, how are you? 405 00:14:35,000 --> 00:14:36,290 You busy? -I'm doin' OK. 406 00:14:36,290 --> 00:14:37,590 Gettin' excited for the weekend though. 407 00:14:37,590 --> 00:14:39,100 PAM (ON PHONE): Yeah. -Yeah, what are you up to? 408 00:14:39,100 --> 00:14:39,580 DWIGHT (IN LOCKED OFFICE): Jim! 409 00:14:39,580 --> 00:14:40,800 PAM (ON PHONE): Um, I'm not bothering you, am I? 410 00:14:40,800 --> 00:14:41,560 No, not at all. (BANGING ON WINDOW) 411 00:14:41,560 --> 00:14:42,300 PAM (ON PHONE): You don't have anything you're doing? 412 00:14:42,300 --> 00:14:43,740 - I have nothing to do. - PAM (ON PHONE): Oh, great. 413 00:14:43,740 --> 00:14:44,040 DWIGHT (IN LOCKED OFFICE): Jim! 414 00:14:44,040 --> 00:14:45,510 PAM (ON PHONE): Um, yeah, no, this weekend-- nothing. 415 00:14:45,510 --> 00:14:46,590 I'm not really doing anything. 416 00:14:46,590 --> 00:14:47,410 JIM: Oh, yeah? -Jim! 417 00:14:47,410 --> 00:14:48,810 PAM (ON PHONE): I might go to the mall. 418 00:14:48,810 --> 00:14:49,830 - The mall? - DWIGHT (IN LOCKED OFFICE): Jim! 419 00:14:49,830 --> 00:14:50,100 PAM (ON PHONE): I need new shoes. 420 00:14:50,100 --> 00:14:50,800 (BANGING ON WINDOW) 421 00:14:50,800 --> 00:14:51,810 Oh, interesting. 422 00:14:51,810 --> 00:14:53,300 What kind of shoes? (PHONE RINGING) 423 00:14:53,300 --> 00:14:54,830 JAN (ON PHONE): Hello? 424 00:14:54,830 --> 00:14:56,930 Hello, uh, this is Dwight Schrute 425 00:14:56,930 --> 00:14:58,720 calling for Jan Levinson-Gould. 426 00:14:58,720 --> 00:15:00,750 JAN (ON PHONE): This is Jan. 427 00:15:00,750 --> 00:15:02,940 Hi, Dwight Schrute calling-- acting 428 00:15:02,940 --> 00:15:04,530 manager, Scranton branch. 429 00:15:04,530 --> 00:15:07,400 Listen, I needed your permission to fire Jim Halpert. 430 00:15:07,400 --> 00:15:09,160 JAN (ON PHONE): Who is this? 431 00:15:09,160 --> 00:15:10,460 Dwight Schrute. 432 00:15:10,460 --> 00:15:12,550 JAN (ON PHONE): From sales? -Well-- 433 00:15:12,550 --> 00:15:13,960 JAN (ON PHONE): Where's Michael Scott? 434 00:15:13,960 --> 00:15:16,460 Uh, he is not here right now. 435 00:15:16,460 --> 00:15:18,270 He put me in charge of the office. 436 00:15:18,270 --> 00:15:19,140 (PHONE RINGING) 437 00:15:19,140 --> 00:15:21,040 JAN (ON PHONE): Dwight, listen to me very carefully. 438 00:15:21,040 --> 00:15:24,280 You are not a manager of anything, understand? 439 00:15:24,280 --> 00:15:27,440 That's not entirely true because he 440 00:15:27,440 --> 00:15:29,930 put me in charge of picking the health care plan. 441 00:15:29,930 --> 00:15:31,090 JAN (ON PHONE): (SHOCKED) Really? 442 00:15:31,090 --> 00:15:32,540 - DWIGHT: Yeah. - JAN (ON PHONE): OK. 443 00:15:32,540 --> 00:15:34,830 When Michael gets back, you tell him to call me immediately. 444 00:15:34,830 --> 00:15:35,900 Call you immediately, good. 445 00:15:35,900 --> 00:15:36,600 JAN (ON PHONE): Yes. 446 00:15:36,600 --> 00:15:40,500 Oh, hey, listen, um, since I have you on the phone, um, 447 00:15:40,500 --> 00:15:41,690 can I fire Jim? 448 00:15:41,690 --> 00:15:42,640 JAN (ON PHONE): No. 449 00:15:42,640 --> 00:15:45,110 And please, don't use my cellphone ever again. 450 00:15:45,110 --> 00:15:46,870 Oh, this is your ce-- I thought this was your-- 451 00:15:46,870 --> 00:15:49,370 (DIAL TONE) 452 00:15:50,370 --> 00:15:52,250 (OFFICE CHATTER) 453 00:15:52,250 --> 00:15:53,580 (DOOR OPENING) 454 00:15:53,580 --> 00:15:55,270 MICHAEL: Hey, hey, everybody! 455 00:15:55,270 --> 00:15:58,100 Ice cream Sandwiches-- aaahhh! 456 00:15:58,100 --> 00:15:59,360 (LAUGHS) 457 00:15:59,360 --> 00:16:00,460 Here you go-- take one, take one. 458 00:16:00,460 --> 00:16:01,870 It's all good. Phyllis, think fast. 459 00:16:01,870 --> 00:16:03,180 Ya-boom! 460 00:16:03,180 --> 00:16:04,730 Oh, oh, I see Angela, right? 461 00:16:04,730 --> 00:16:05,520 Angela, aaahhh! 462 00:16:05,520 --> 00:16:07,250 (LAUGHS) 463 00:16:07,250 --> 00:16:11,910 Hey, Tim, why don't you take two because you don't get health 464 00:16:11,910 --> 00:16:14,500 care and uh, faster metabolism. 465 00:16:14,500 --> 00:16:17,080 Did you get the kind with the cookies instead of the-- 466 00:16:17,080 --> 00:16:19,510 Why don't you just eat it, OK? 467 00:16:19,510 --> 00:16:22,390 And here you go, Stanley the manley. 468 00:16:22,390 --> 00:16:23,950 STANLEY: Ah, thanks. -There you go. 469 00:16:23,950 --> 00:16:25,680 STANLEY: This isn't the big surprise, is it? 470 00:16:25,680 --> 00:16:28,250 Because we've been having a pretty horrible day. 471 00:16:28,250 --> 00:16:29,930 Uh, nope. 472 00:16:29,930 --> 00:16:30,630 Nope. 473 00:16:30,630 --> 00:16:32,150 This isn't the surprise. 474 00:16:32,150 --> 00:16:37,250 It's surprising because you didn't expect it but you will-- 475 00:16:37,250 --> 00:16:38,380 you'll know it when you see it. 476 00:16:38,380 --> 00:16:39,250 (THUD) 477 00:16:39,250 --> 00:16:40,120 (BANGING ON WINDOW) 478 00:16:40,120 --> 00:16:41,290 DWIGHT (IN LOCKED OFFICE): Michael! 479 00:16:41,290 --> 00:16:42,950 Michael! 480 00:16:42,950 --> 00:16:44,930 Oh, for Christ's sake. 481 00:16:54,970 --> 00:16:57,030 I tried being rational, OK? 482 00:16:57,030 --> 00:16:58,310 And what happened? 483 00:16:58,310 --> 00:16:59,810 The employees went crazy. 484 00:16:59,810 --> 00:17:03,080 I got no help from corporate so that leaves me with no options. 485 00:17:03,080 --> 00:17:05,680 I'm now going to read aloud your submitted medical conditions. 486 00:17:05,680 --> 00:17:07,930 When you hear yours read, please raise your hand 487 00:17:07,930 --> 00:17:09,300 to indicate that it is real. 488 00:17:09,300 --> 00:17:12,390 If you do not raise your hand, it will not be covered. 489 00:17:12,390 --> 00:17:14,310 What about confidentiality? 490 00:17:14,310 --> 00:17:15,070 DWIGHT: You know what? 491 00:17:15,070 --> 00:17:17,230 You have forfeited that privilege. 492 00:17:17,230 --> 00:17:19,360 I have tried to treat you all as adults 493 00:17:19,360 --> 00:17:22,460 but, obviously, I am the only adult here. 494 00:17:22,460 --> 00:17:23,790 Number one, inverted penis. 495 00:17:30,690 --> 00:17:32,740 Could you mean vagina? 496 00:17:32,740 --> 00:17:35,460 Because if you do, I want that covered. 497 00:17:35,460 --> 00:17:36,590 I thought your vagina was removed 498 00:17:36,590 --> 00:17:38,250 during your hysterectomy? 499 00:17:38,250 --> 00:17:41,730 A uterus is different from a vagina. 500 00:17:41,730 --> 00:17:42,940 I still have a vagina. 501 00:17:54,140 --> 00:17:56,580 MICHAEL: Ugh. 502 00:17:56,580 --> 00:17:58,100 (SIGHS) -OK. 503 00:17:58,100 --> 00:17:59,260 Great. 504 00:17:59,260 --> 00:18:01,310 Dermatitis. Thank you, Angela. 505 00:18:01,310 --> 00:18:03,060 I'll make sure that's covered. 506 00:18:03,060 --> 00:18:07,890 OK, now, who wrote this-- this hysterical one? 507 00:18:07,890 --> 00:18:09,150 Anal fissures? 508 00:18:09,150 --> 00:18:10,550 That's a real thing. 509 00:18:10,550 --> 00:18:11,780 DWIGHT: Yeah, but no one here has it. 510 00:18:15,100 --> 00:18:16,460 Someone has it. 511 00:18:29,040 --> 00:18:30,210 STANLEY: Do you think we should go? 512 00:18:30,210 --> 00:18:32,150 OSCAR: I don't know but I mean-- if this is important I 513 00:18:32,150 --> 00:18:33,650 don't want-- there he is. 514 00:18:33,650 --> 00:18:35,340 STANLEY: What is he doing? OSCAR: I don't know. 515 00:18:44,460 --> 00:18:47,730 - (SIGHS) - OSCAR: Well-- well? 516 00:18:47,730 --> 00:18:49,280 Well, what? 517 00:18:49,280 --> 00:18:51,460 You could be referring to anything. 518 00:18:51,460 --> 00:18:53,580 OSCAR: OK-- the health care plan. 519 00:18:53,580 --> 00:18:55,050 Why did you put Dwight in charge of that? 520 00:18:55,050 --> 00:18:56,070 He did a horrible job. 521 00:18:56,070 --> 00:18:58,600 Uh, Dwight? 522 00:18:58,600 --> 00:19:00,020 Did you raise benefits? 523 00:19:00,020 --> 00:19:01,740 -I most certainly did not. -Oh, come on! 524 00:19:01,740 --> 00:19:02,930 That's horrible! 525 00:19:02,930 --> 00:19:05,150 Duh! 526 00:19:05,150 --> 00:19:07,770 Thanks, Dwight, for a crappy plan. 527 00:19:07,770 --> 00:19:10,590 (DISINGENUOUS) Ugh, damn! 528 00:19:10,590 --> 00:19:14,240 Oh, mm, I wish I had time to change it but-- 529 00:19:14,240 --> 00:19:14,940 (SIGHS) 530 00:19:14,940 --> 00:19:17,510 --Jan needs it by five and-- what time is it? 531 00:19:17,510 --> 00:19:19,650 What time is it? (RELIEVED) Oh, it's after five. 532 00:19:19,650 --> 00:19:21,020 Uh, ugh. 533 00:19:21,020 --> 00:19:23,600 (DISINGENUOUS) It's awful! 534 00:19:23,600 --> 00:19:26,250 So, well, OK. 535 00:19:26,250 --> 00:19:29,750 See you guys on Monday. 536 00:19:29,750 --> 00:19:31,260 What about the surprise? 537 00:19:31,260 --> 00:19:33,450 Oh, yes. 538 00:19:33,450 --> 00:19:38,280 Exactly-- thank you, Angela, for reminding me. 539 00:19:38,280 --> 00:19:38,980 Terrific. 540 00:19:38,980 --> 00:19:42,610 Um, before I tell everybody what the big surprise is, 541 00:19:42,610 --> 00:19:47,020 would you like to tell me what you think the big surprise is? 542 00:19:47,020 --> 00:19:49,350 STANLEY: We all think you don't have a surprise. 543 00:19:49,350 --> 00:19:51,280 MICHAEL: All right, I have some news for ya. 544 00:19:51,280 --> 00:19:54,240 There is a big surprise. 545 00:19:54,240 --> 00:19:56,540 And here it is! 546 00:19:56,540 --> 00:19:57,360 Here we go! 547 00:19:57,360 --> 00:20:04,740 And the big surprise is-- brrrrrrrrr, 548 00:20:04,740 --> 00:20:06,210 drum roll, brrrrrrrr. 549 00:20:13,860 --> 00:20:15,810 (SIGHS) 550 00:20:23,580 --> 00:20:26,020 (BREATHES NERVOUSLY) 551 00:20:26,020 --> 00:20:30,500 When I am backed into a corner that is when I come alive. 552 00:20:30,500 --> 00:20:32,740 See I learned improv from the greats 553 00:20:32,740 --> 00:20:36,690 like, um, Drew Carey and Ryan Stiles. 554 00:20:36,690 --> 00:20:40,010 Ah, this-- 555 00:20:42,880 --> 00:20:45,280 (SIGHS) 556 00:20:49,120 --> 00:20:49,920 Robin Williams. 557 00:20:49,920 --> 00:20:52,860 Oh, man, would I love to go head-to-head with him. 558 00:20:52,860 --> 00:20:54,780 Oh! That would be exciting. 559 00:20:54,780 --> 00:20:56,390 (IMITATING ROBIN WILLIAMS) I'm Mork from Ork. 560 00:20:56,390 --> 00:20:59,020 Well, I'm-- I'm Bork from Smork. 561 00:20:59,020 --> 00:21:00,890 Nanoo, nanoo. Jibilee, Balubalu. 562 00:21:26,430 --> 00:21:27,930 (DOOR CLOSING) 563 00:21:27,930 --> 00:21:30,670 Oh, uh, Jan wants you to call her. 564 00:21:58,870 --> 00:22:00,070 (TRUMPET SOUNDS) 565 00:22:01,270 --> 00:22:04,020 (NBC JINGLE)