1 00:00:00,634 --> 00:00:04,261 So, Sateen. You've now heard your sister and the rest of the group 2 00:00:04,328 --> 00:00:07,049 talk about how inappropriate anger can damage your life. 3 00:00:07,117 --> 00:00:09,246 I'd love to hear what you're thinking right now. 4 00:00:09,314 --> 00:00:11,143 I was thinking 5 00:00:11,211 --> 00:00:13,240 if all you're serving is supermarket muffins, 6 00:00:13,307 --> 00:00:15,671 you might want to check if your guest is gluten-free 7 00:00:15,738 --> 00:00:17,623 because I am and they're not. 8 00:00:19,065 --> 00:00:21,849 Frankly, I'm bloated and insulted. 9 00:00:23,866 --> 00:00:26,246 This isn't about the muffins, you little bitch. 10 00:00:26,314 --> 00:00:29,258 It's about how angry you are and how I don't want you to end up like me. 11 00:00:29,326 --> 00:00:31,301 Telling your problems to a bunch of losers 12 00:00:31,369 --> 00:00:33,377 in some horrible living room in the Valley. 13 00:00:33,445 --> 00:00:35,566 Excuse me. 14 00:00:35,634 --> 00:00:38,125 I take offense to the term "loser," 15 00:00:38,193 --> 00:00:40,293 but I do agree with "horrible living room in Valley." 16 00:00:41,934 --> 00:00:43,907 Where do all you people live, like, Versailles? 17 00:00:46,380 --> 00:00:47,919 I've got a question. 18 00:00:47,987 --> 00:00:49,757 Lacey, Sateen. 19 00:00:49,824 --> 00:00:51,931 Did your parents pick your names 20 00:00:51,999 --> 00:00:54,504 out of an underwear drawer? 21 00:00:54,572 --> 00:00:57,648 They're family names from India, old man. 22 00:00:57,683 --> 00:01:00,124 I'm sorry they don't have the beauty and dignity of Ed. 23 00:01:01,898 --> 00:01:04,739 Wait, go back. Did you call me a bitch, bitch? 24 00:01:04,807 --> 00:01:06,609 Yeah, like five minutes ago. 25 00:01:06,677 --> 00:01:09,449 - You actually suck. - No, you suck and no one asked you. 26 00:01:09,517 --> 00:01:11,687 - At least I wasn't a fat baby. - I wasn't a fat baby. 27 00:01:11,756 --> 00:01:13,358 They overfed me. 28 00:01:13,425 --> 00:01:17,401 All this yelling. It's really hard on me. 29 00:01:17,469 --> 00:01:19,909 Can't you two just, like, wrestle it out? 30 00:01:21,713 --> 00:01:24,718 Nolan, do you realize that everything you've said today 31 00:01:24,752 --> 00:01:27,257 about Lacey and her sister has been a veiled sexual reference? 32 00:01:27,325 --> 00:01:30,864 And by veiled, I don't mean anything culturally insensitive. 33 00:01:30,932 --> 00:01:32,367 Sorry. 34 00:01:32,435 --> 00:01:35,408 And by sorry, I mean the apology. 35 00:01:35,475 --> 00:01:38,113 Not the giant scarf you wear like a dress. 36 00:01:39,716 --> 00:01:41,954 Not everything I said was sexual. 37 00:01:42,021 --> 00:01:45,593 That tandoori taco twofer at the street fair is a real thing. 38 00:01:47,164 --> 00:01:49,901 No, it's not. 39 00:01:49,969 --> 00:01:53,174 Okay. Sateen, after observing you a little bit today, 40 00:01:53,242 --> 00:01:55,308 I really think you could use some anger management therapy. 41 00:01:55,375 --> 00:01:57,478 Let me be careful. 42 00:01:57,546 --> 00:01:59,415 I wanna say this in the rudest possible way. 43 00:01:59,482 --> 00:02:01,886 You just did. 44 00:02:01,953 --> 00:02:03,721 Godspeed. See ya in prison. 45 00:02:05,892 --> 00:02:07,760 The rest of ya, I'll see ya next week. 46 00:02:10,866 --> 00:02:14,236 Hey, I don't know what's going on with me today. 47 00:02:14,304 --> 00:02:16,773 I think I'm gonna walk it off. 48 00:02:16,841 --> 00:02:19,110 I said walk, not whack, right? 49 00:02:19,178 --> 00:02:21,147 Yes, you did. 50 00:02:21,215 --> 00:02:24,019 Ah, spank God. 51 00:02:24,087 --> 00:02:25,888 I need to talk to you about your dad. 52 00:02:28,661 --> 00:02:31,264 Did you need to talk to me or did Dad conveniently bump into you 53 00:02:31,332 --> 00:02:33,201 and con you into doing his dirty work? 54 00:02:33,269 --> 00:02:36,172 No, I ran into him at the Lady Footlocker and he told me... 55 00:02:36,239 --> 00:02:38,842 damn, he's good. 56 00:02:38,910 --> 00:02:42,213 Let me guess. He doesn't understand why I won't spend more time with him? 57 00:02:42,281 --> 00:02:44,984 No, he doesn't, Charlie. It's really bothering him. 58 00:02:45,052 --> 00:02:46,653 Maybe he should have thought about that when he was being 59 00:02:46,721 --> 00:02:49,157 a manipulative, lying bully my entire life. 60 00:02:49,224 --> 00:02:51,026 People forgive, Charlie. 61 00:02:51,094 --> 00:02:53,429 I've had manipulative, lying people in my life 62 00:02:53,496 --> 00:02:57,167 and I've forgiven... mostly... Charlie... you. 63 00:02:57,235 --> 00:02:59,737 Charlie. Dork. 64 00:02:59,805 --> 00:03:03,009 Yeah. Got it. You, not letting go... ever. 65 00:03:03,077 --> 00:03:04,477 Take foot off neck. Love you. 66 00:03:06,648 --> 00:03:09,284 Come on. He just wants to come over Sunday and watch a game with you. 67 00:03:09,352 --> 00:03:11,587 - Who wants to come over? - Your grandfather. 68 00:03:11,655 --> 00:03:14,191 Great. Why doesn't he come over more often? 69 00:03:14,259 --> 00:03:15,799 Doesn't he like us? 70 00:03:15,812 --> 00:03:17,363 Yeah, Charlie. Why doesn't he come over more often? 71 00:03:17,430 --> 00:03:19,165 I think Sam just hit it on the head. 72 00:03:19,233 --> 00:03:21,635 He doesn't like us. 73 00:03:21,703 --> 00:03:24,639 Let's not force a frightened old man into doing something he doesn't wanna do. 74 00:03:24,707 --> 00:03:26,842 - Charlie. - All right, fine. 75 00:03:26,910 --> 00:03:29,646 He can come over on Sunday, but you gotta be there, too. 76 00:03:29,714 --> 00:03:31,815 And, you, little miss "why won't Grandpa come over," 77 00:03:31,883 --> 00:03:33,484 you want a grandpa so bad? 78 00:03:33,519 --> 00:03:35,754 You have to feed and take care of him. 79 00:03:35,821 --> 00:03:39,192 And the first time you don't, it's right back to the pound. 80 00:03:43,165 --> 00:03:44,699 Oh, Charlie. Look at you. 81 00:03:44,767 --> 00:03:47,503 Putting out food for your dad. That's so sweet. 82 00:03:47,571 --> 00:03:49,372 No, this isn't sweet. 83 00:03:49,440 --> 00:03:52,977 This is turkey and Swiss on sourdough. No mayo, no oil. 84 00:03:53,044 --> 00:03:55,547 This is the driest, chewiest sandwich you can get. 85 00:03:57,617 --> 00:03:59,585 He can't chew and talk. 86 00:03:59,653 --> 00:04:01,921 That is three feet of golden silence. 87 00:04:03,992 --> 00:04:07,162 - Hey. - Hi. Nice suit. 88 00:04:07,229 --> 00:04:09,597 I thought you were coming to watch the game, but if you're here to be buried, 89 00:04:09,665 --> 00:04:13,433 - that's okay, too. - We can watch the game after mass. 90 00:04:13,501 --> 00:04:15,702 Why aren't you dressed? You know, mass starts in half an hour. 91 00:04:17,404 --> 00:04:19,271 Well, you told me you go to mass every week. 92 00:04:19,339 --> 00:04:22,007 - You weren't lying about that, were you? - No, of course not. 93 00:04:22,075 --> 00:04:24,376 I... I go every Sunday. 94 00:04:24,444 --> 00:04:27,412 Thank God, because if you didn't, it would kill your grandmother. 95 00:04:27,479 --> 00:04:29,414 - Grandma's dead. - Yeah, I know, 96 00:04:29,482 --> 00:04:32,182 but I still like to remember the things that would kill her. 97 00:04:32,250 --> 00:04:34,286 Hey, girls. Let's get started. 98 00:04:34,353 --> 00:04:36,424 I don't wanna walk in late like I own the joint. 99 00:04:36,491 --> 00:04:38,927 Okay, Sam. Go put on your fancy 100 00:04:38,995 --> 00:04:41,630 going-to-church outfit like we do every Sunday. 101 00:04:41,698 --> 00:04:44,699 - But, Dad, we don't... - Hey, blessed be the shut up. Get dressed. 102 00:04:54,608 --> 00:04:56,341 It's a beautiful church, Charlie. 103 00:04:56,409 --> 00:04:58,209 Yeah, it is. 104 00:04:58,277 --> 00:05:00,978 I just hope the priest isn't too long-winded. 105 00:05:01,046 --> 00:05:03,580 No, no, no. He's great. 106 00:05:03,647 --> 00:05:05,748 His sermons are very insightful. 107 00:05:05,816 --> 00:05:08,184 I find myself hanging on his every word. 108 00:05:11,287 --> 00:05:12,187 Buenos dias. 109 00:05:35,975 --> 00:05:39,010 So, Charlie. You say you come here every week? 110 00:05:39,078 --> 00:05:40,478 Si. 111 00:05:40,493 --> 00:05:54,043 Sync & corrections by No1 www.addic7ed.com. 112 00:05:54,067 --> 00:05:57,243 I'm a grown man. I don't need to explain myself to you. 113 00:05:57,311 --> 00:05:59,262 It's not about me. 114 00:05:59,329 --> 00:06:01,972 Your daughter needs a religious upbringing, Charlie. 115 00:06:02,039 --> 00:06:04,091 She needs a moral compass. 116 00:06:04,159 --> 00:06:05,844 I'm sorry. I'm still reeling from "It's not about me." 117 00:06:07,797 --> 00:06:11,042 Look, I know what you want, but I'm not gonna force Catholicism on Sam 118 00:06:11,077 --> 00:06:12,928 - like you forced it on me. - Oh, please. 119 00:06:12,996 --> 00:06:15,381 Then why did you even bother having her baptized in the first place? 120 00:06:15,449 --> 00:06:17,926 I have a good answer for that. 121 00:06:17,994 --> 00:06:19,812 Sam was never baptized. 122 00:06:21,574 --> 00:06:23,192 I thought it was good. 123 00:06:23,260 --> 00:06:26,138 She was never baptized? 124 00:06:26,172 --> 00:06:27,790 So you lied about that, too. 125 00:06:27,858 --> 00:06:30,076 I tell ya lots of lies, Dad... 126 00:06:30,144 --> 00:06:32,163 "Good to see ya," "Happy birthday," "Drive safe." 127 00:06:32,230 --> 00:06:34,675 Okay, enough. Look, we're gonna deal with this right now. 128 00:06:34,742 --> 00:06:36,627 You're having Sam baptized, period. 129 00:06:36,695 --> 00:06:38,880 - That's it. - No, I'm not. 130 00:06:38,947 --> 00:06:40,999 Sam is gonna choose her own religion 131 00:06:41,033 --> 00:06:42,818 when she's old enough to make a mature decision. 132 00:06:42,886 --> 00:06:44,938 I'm only gonna say this once... stay out of it. 133 00:06:45,005 --> 00:06:48,017 Don't you understand? If you don't have that girl baptized... God forbid, 134 00:06:48,084 --> 00:06:50,169 but she could end up in hell and it'd be all your fault. 135 00:06:50,237 --> 00:06:53,673 Charlie, I told you, the women you're dating are way too young. 136 00:06:53,741 --> 00:06:56,193 Michael, are you Catholic by any chance? 137 00:06:56,261 --> 00:06:57,945 I'm a pretty good Catholic. 138 00:06:58,013 --> 00:07:00,298 For a Baptist. 139 00:07:00,366 --> 00:07:01,550 I'm a better Catholic than Charlie. 140 00:07:01,617 --> 00:07:03,769 I think it's damn selfish of you, son. 141 00:07:03,837 --> 00:07:06,288 After all, you were baptized and received first communion. 142 00:07:06,356 --> 00:07:08,600 Now you're leaving your own daughter high and dry like this. 143 00:07:08,668 --> 00:07:10,819 I think it's just plain disgraceful. 144 00:07:10,887 --> 00:07:12,570 Would you give me an amen on that, Michael? 145 00:07:12,638 --> 00:07:14,389 Don't give him an amen on that. 146 00:07:14,457 --> 00:07:17,469 Your kid's not baptized? What, are you nuts? 147 00:07:17,537 --> 00:07:20,991 - Thanks, Mike. - Seriously, it takes, like, five minutes 148 00:07:21,059 --> 00:07:22,898 and it protects her soul for eternity. 149 00:07:22,966 --> 00:07:25,209 Look, I appreciate your spiritual concern. 150 00:07:25,243 --> 00:07:27,119 Especially coming from a guy with a lifetime membership 151 00:07:27,186 --> 00:07:29,889 to Adult Friend Finder. 152 00:07:29,957 --> 00:07:32,297 But my daughter is not gonna get kicked out of heaven... 153 00:07:32,365 --> 00:07:35,030 if there is one... on a technicality. 154 00:07:35,098 --> 00:07:38,300 - If there is one? - I know we raised him better than that. 155 00:07:40,402 --> 00:07:42,604 Look, it's my kid. Everyone just back off. 156 00:07:42,671 --> 00:07:44,427 All right, fine. I won't interfere in trying 157 00:07:44,440 --> 00:07:46,207 to help save my granddaughter's soul. 158 00:07:46,275 --> 00:07:47,942 God forbid. Sorry. 159 00:07:48,010 --> 00:07:49,543 God... if there is one... forbid. 160 00:07:51,513 --> 00:07:54,314 Nice one, sir. 161 00:07:54,382 --> 00:07:56,483 I mean it. This is my house, these are my rules. 162 00:07:56,550 --> 00:07:59,652 Michael, I don't like this new kid you're hanging out with. 163 00:08:00,954 --> 00:08:02,923 Doesn't he have any friends his own age? 164 00:08:05,894 --> 00:08:09,030 So I dropped Sateen off and my mom starts in on me. 165 00:08:09,098 --> 00:08:11,265 When are you gonna marry a nice Hindu boy? 166 00:08:11,333 --> 00:08:15,069 And I said, "When a Hindu boy starts for the Lakers." 167 00:08:15,137 --> 00:08:18,005 Right now I'm all about giant black millionaires. 168 00:08:19,341 --> 00:08:21,009 Let me ask you this, Lacey. 169 00:08:21,076 --> 00:08:24,445 Is this anger about rejecting your parents' religious values 170 00:08:24,513 --> 00:08:28,182 or is it just another manifestation of your Kardashian envy? 171 00:08:28,250 --> 00:08:31,785 Oh, it's not envy when you're better than somebody. 172 00:08:31,853 --> 00:08:33,853 Hey, you're a Hindu. 173 00:08:33,921 --> 00:08:37,923 Tell your mom you'll do what she wants in your next life. 174 00:08:37,991 --> 00:08:39,680 You'll be a raccoon, she'll be a bird or something. 175 00:08:39,693 --> 00:08:41,392 She can't hold you to it. 176 00:08:43,896 --> 00:08:46,130 Congratulations, Ed. You just created a new category... 177 00:08:46,164 --> 00:08:47,498 metaphysical racism. 178 00:08:49,300 --> 00:08:50,834 Sorry to interrupt this battle of wits 179 00:08:50,902 --> 00:08:53,269 between Aristotle and Yosemite Sam, 180 00:08:53,337 --> 00:08:55,505 but your daughter's here and I'm pretty sure she's bleeding. 181 00:08:55,572 --> 00:08:57,807 Oh, my God. 182 00:08:57,874 --> 00:09:00,075 Sam, what happened? You okay? 183 00:09:00,143 --> 00:09:01,777 - I'm fine. - Just barely. 184 00:09:01,845 --> 00:09:04,646 Some lunatic ran a stop sign and forced her bicycle into a mailbox. 185 00:09:04,714 --> 00:09:06,681 I was just walking up when the guy pulled away. 186 00:09:06,748 --> 00:09:08,549 She could've been killed, Charlie. 187 00:09:08,616 --> 00:09:10,383 Come on, sweetie. Let's get you cleaned up in the kitchen. 188 00:09:10,451 --> 00:09:12,852 Sorry, guys. I'll see ya next Tuesday. 189 00:09:12,886 --> 00:09:15,054 Damn fool was probably texting. 190 00:09:15,121 --> 00:09:17,654 If anything happened to that girl, I'd never forgive myself. 191 00:09:17,722 --> 00:09:20,323 Forgive yourself for what? You weren't involved. 192 00:09:20,357 --> 00:09:23,558 Yeah, well, there's a big problem between Charlie and me. 193 00:09:23,626 --> 00:09:25,860 My granddaughter's never been baptized. 194 00:09:25,928 --> 00:09:29,397 Christ on a pony, why the hell not?! 195 00:09:29,465 --> 00:09:32,667 - What the hell's the matter with your boy? - There's a long list. 196 00:09:32,735 --> 00:09:34,669 He's selfish, he thinks he knows everything, 197 00:09:34,736 --> 00:09:37,105 he's got his mother's hips, and he's agnostic. 198 00:09:37,172 --> 00:09:39,038 Agnostic? 199 00:09:39,073 --> 00:09:41,073 How can anybody doubt God 200 00:09:41,141 --> 00:09:43,009 when they've seen a picture of Angie Dickinson? 201 00:09:43,076 --> 00:09:45,110 Amen. 202 00:09:45,178 --> 00:09:48,046 I know I said I wouldn't interfere, but God just fired a warning shot 203 00:09:48,114 --> 00:09:50,148 and I gotta figure out a way to have her baptized. 204 00:09:50,215 --> 00:09:53,284 I'll tell you what we'd do in my church back in Texas. 205 00:09:53,351 --> 00:09:55,720 We'd wait till they went to sleep, put a bag over their head, 206 00:09:55,788 --> 00:09:57,556 throw 'em in the back of the truck, drive 'em to the river, 207 00:09:57,624 --> 00:09:59,960 and let the preacher hold 'em under for a minute. 208 00:10:00,027 --> 00:10:02,263 That sounds a little radical, Ed. 209 00:10:02,331 --> 00:10:04,665 Radical, hell, it's terrifying, 210 00:10:04,732 --> 00:10:07,501 but they'll thank ya in paradise. 211 00:10:07,569 --> 00:10:10,203 Well, I guess I could sneak around. 212 00:10:10,271 --> 00:10:11,904 Thanks for the advice, Ed. 213 00:10:11,972 --> 00:10:14,907 I used to get $10 a head doing that back home. 214 00:10:14,975 --> 00:10:17,242 I'd go down to the bus station, scoop 'em up... 215 00:10:17,310 --> 00:10:19,577 You sure that was for baptisms? 216 00:10:19,645 --> 00:10:22,079 'Cause it sounds like you were trying to drown illegals. 217 00:10:22,147 --> 00:10:24,080 No, no. It was baptism... 218 00:10:24,148 --> 00:10:26,081 Wait a minute. 219 00:10:26,149 --> 00:10:27,817 No, no. It was baptism. 220 00:10:27,884 --> 00:10:30,518 Okay. Well, we'll see ya next week, buddy. All the best. 221 00:10:33,516 --> 00:10:35,083 - Kate? - Yeah? 222 00:10:35,150 --> 00:10:37,285 - You didn't answer me. - About what? 223 00:10:37,352 --> 00:10:39,420 I'm busy getting your surprise ready. 224 00:10:39,488 --> 00:10:41,522 Do you think my dad has a point? 225 00:10:41,590 --> 00:10:43,958 Was I selfish to not give Sam a religious upbringing? 226 00:10:46,195 --> 00:10:48,830 Was I rebelling because my dad shoved the Church down my throat 227 00:10:48,864 --> 00:10:51,366 and that's why Catholicism is such a turnoff to me? 228 00:10:57,907 --> 00:10:59,574 - You almost done? - Almost. 229 00:11:01,677 --> 00:11:04,179 - Must be a hell of a surprise. - Oh, it will be. 230 00:11:10,486 --> 00:11:12,287 That's my surprise? 231 00:11:12,355 --> 00:11:13,889 You're wearing my T-shirt? 232 00:11:13,957 --> 00:11:16,024 What's wrong with the T-shirt? 233 00:11:17,727 --> 00:11:20,129 Nothing, nothing. It's super sexy. 234 00:11:20,196 --> 00:11:23,032 I like the way it makes your whole upper body look like a... 235 00:11:23,133 --> 00:11:26,034 hot rectangle. 236 00:11:26,102 --> 00:11:27,402 A crew neck. 237 00:11:29,839 --> 00:11:31,573 I know. I feel so dirty. 238 00:11:35,077 --> 00:11:36,410 I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Kate. 239 00:11:36,478 --> 00:11:38,646 I don't wanna turn this into a whole session here, 240 00:11:38,714 --> 00:11:40,181 but I need a little advice. 241 00:11:40,249 --> 00:11:43,084 I get all dressed up like this and you just wanna talk? 242 00:11:45,554 --> 00:11:47,088 Just for a minute. 243 00:11:47,156 --> 00:11:49,491 Do you think my anger towards my dad's behavior 244 00:11:49,558 --> 00:11:50,892 is affecting the way I raise my kid? 245 00:11:50,960 --> 00:11:52,894 Of course it is. 246 00:11:52,962 --> 00:11:56,260 I mean, your choice is to either repeat or correct. 247 00:11:56,328 --> 00:11:59,064 The same heat that melts the butter hardens the egg. 248 00:12:00,399 --> 00:12:01,666 I want you so bad right now. 249 00:12:04,103 --> 00:12:06,370 You know, if you want your daughter 250 00:12:06,438 --> 00:12:09,440 to make an informed choice, don't wait until she's 18. 251 00:12:09,508 --> 00:12:11,442 Show her all the options now. 252 00:12:11,509 --> 00:12:13,944 Once upon a time, 253 00:12:14,011 --> 00:12:15,912 I was a vampire Goth chick. 254 00:12:15,980 --> 00:12:18,279 Those girls have a lot of fun. 255 00:12:18,347 --> 00:12:20,148 You would've hated me back in high school. 256 00:12:20,216 --> 00:12:22,517 - I was a jock. - I would've slept with you anyhow. 257 00:12:22,585 --> 00:12:25,720 - We slept with everybody. - So did we. 258 00:12:25,788 --> 00:12:28,922 Except for those losers in the Model U.N. 259 00:12:28,989 --> 00:12:30,923 We slept with everybody. 260 00:12:37,564 --> 00:12:41,133 Wow, look at this list. We're gonna have to split this up 261 00:12:41,201 --> 00:12:43,735 if we're gonna expose Sam to all the different religions. 262 00:12:44,871 --> 00:12:46,371 I'll take Christianity 263 00:12:46,439 --> 00:12:49,272 and you take all the going-to-hell ones. 264 00:12:49,340 --> 00:12:52,207 - We're not off to a good start here. - I'm kidding. 265 00:12:52,274 --> 00:12:55,376 I just don't know much about religions outside of Christianity. 266 00:12:55,444 --> 00:12:57,379 Me neither. 267 00:12:57,413 --> 00:12:59,948 I know Catholicism and the Native American one where you take peyote. 268 00:13:00,016 --> 00:13:02,284 And all I know about that one is that you take peyote. 269 00:13:04,186 --> 00:13:07,388 You know, I always thought it would be good for her to have some religion. 270 00:13:07,456 --> 00:13:09,456 What if she picks one of ours? 271 00:13:09,524 --> 00:13:11,491 I'm comfortable with her going Protestant. 272 00:13:11,559 --> 00:13:14,160 Are you comfortable if she decides to become Catholic? 273 00:13:14,228 --> 00:13:16,796 I... I guess. I just blocked so much of it out. 274 00:13:16,864 --> 00:13:19,699 I do remember Catholic baseball camp, though. 275 00:13:19,766 --> 00:13:21,935 Man, it was hard to run in those sandals. 276 00:13:22,002 --> 00:13:25,104 - They made you wear sandals? - That was just the beginning. 277 00:13:25,172 --> 00:13:28,640 Every time I stole second, I had to say an act of contrition. 278 00:13:28,708 --> 00:13:32,143 - Is this thing working? - Come on, Charlie. Get serious. 279 00:13:32,177 --> 00:13:33,950 You're right, you're right. Did you know our 280 00:13:33,963 --> 00:13:35,746 pitcher had to give a sermon on the mound? 281 00:13:37,248 --> 00:13:39,515 Hey, guys. 282 00:13:39,583 --> 00:13:43,151 Eh, Sam has something she'd like to tell ya. 283 00:13:43,219 --> 00:13:45,019 What's up, Sam? 284 00:13:45,120 --> 00:13:48,389 I... got baptized. 285 00:13:48,457 --> 00:13:51,426 - You what?! - Hang on, son. 286 00:13:51,494 --> 00:13:53,428 This was entirely her own choice. 287 00:13:53,496 --> 00:13:55,597 We were talking about God and spirituality 288 00:13:55,665 --> 00:13:57,399 and the importance of being a good person, 289 00:13:57,466 --> 00:14:00,602 and I said the only way I know how to do that is to become a Catholic. 290 00:14:00,670 --> 00:14:03,071 Dad, what did we talk about? 291 00:14:03,139 --> 00:14:05,207 My granddaughter came to me and said, 292 00:14:05,274 --> 00:14:08,777 "I'd like to be baptized, Grandpa." What was I supposed to say, no? 293 00:14:08,845 --> 00:14:10,151 Yes. 294 00:14:10,164 --> 00:14:11,480 Oh, you wouldn't say that if you'd been there. 295 00:14:11,548 --> 00:14:14,215 Look, I got some pictures on the cell phone here. 296 00:14:14,283 --> 00:14:16,751 Look, Martin. We're Sam's parents, okay? 297 00:14:16,819 --> 00:14:19,687 It's not your right to... oh, she's an angel. 298 00:14:23,592 --> 00:14:25,760 - Who the hell are those people? - Oh, those are the godparents. 299 00:14:25,828 --> 00:14:28,062 Carmen and Angel. When you meet 'em, you'll love 'em. 300 00:14:32,548 --> 00:14:34,682 Look, Sam. Your mom and I don't want you 301 00:14:34,750 --> 00:14:37,117 to be rushed into anything or talked into anything. 302 00:14:37,185 --> 00:14:39,753 So let's start by going down to that church and returning your baptism. 303 00:14:39,787 --> 00:14:42,422 You can do that, right? 304 00:14:42,489 --> 00:14:45,090 I think it's too late. She's dry. 305 00:14:46,759 --> 00:14:49,327 Don't be mad at Grandpa. I'm really happy I did this. 306 00:14:49,395 --> 00:14:51,162 But you didn't look at any other options. 307 00:14:51,230 --> 00:14:53,330 Yeah, and I just found this cool dumpling place 308 00:14:53,365 --> 00:14:56,567 next to the Buddhist temple downtown. 309 00:14:56,601 --> 00:14:58,736 What's wrong with being Catholic? Her family's Catholic. 310 00:15:00,372 --> 00:15:02,941 I don't like her family. 311 00:15:03,009 --> 00:15:05,743 They got pork, they got shrimp, everything. 312 00:15:05,811 --> 00:15:08,779 It has a C on the window, but it looks clean inside. 313 00:15:10,783 --> 00:15:13,084 You know, Dad, you could come to church with us. 314 00:15:13,152 --> 00:15:16,552 - I don't want you to go to hell. - Are you happy? 315 00:15:16,620 --> 00:15:19,287 My own daughter doesn't want me to go to hell. 316 00:15:19,354 --> 00:15:22,255 All right. You wanna go to church, fine. 317 00:15:22,323 --> 00:15:25,291 Let's do this the right way. I want you to know what you're getting into. 318 00:15:25,359 --> 00:15:27,626 So, I'm gonna go with you. 319 00:15:27,660 --> 00:15:29,695 Lord, talk about mysterious ways. 320 00:15:29,762 --> 00:15:32,297 My son and my granddaughter wanna go to mass with me. 321 00:15:32,365 --> 00:15:34,899 Hallelujah, I am truly blessed. 322 00:15:34,967 --> 00:15:36,934 Hey, Pope Piehole III. 323 00:15:38,970 --> 00:15:41,972 Why don't you give the Children's Crusade a rest? 324 00:15:42,040 --> 00:15:45,442 I'm taking my daughter to church... without you. 325 00:15:45,509 --> 00:15:48,676 Then I'm taking her to a synagogue, a mosque, and a Buddhist temple. 326 00:15:48,711 --> 00:15:50,712 And then that dumpling place right next door. 327 00:15:50,779 --> 00:15:51,946 Be crazy not to go. 328 00:15:55,149 --> 00:15:56,783 See these plaques? 329 00:15:56,851 --> 00:15:58,651 Those are called the Stations of the Cross. 330 00:15:58,719 --> 00:16:00,720 If you follow the story all the way around the church, 331 00:16:00,788 --> 00:16:02,021 you'll find out what happened to 'em. 332 00:16:02,089 --> 00:16:04,056 Oh, this one right here. 333 00:16:04,124 --> 00:16:06,292 That's where the Romans nailed Jesus to the cross. 334 00:16:06,359 --> 00:16:08,860 Oh, my God. Where were the Catholics during all this? 335 00:16:10,563 --> 00:16:13,031 Interesting question. There were no Catholics. 336 00:16:13,099 --> 00:16:17,401 - What? - Sam, did you know that Jesus was Jewish? 337 00:16:17,469 --> 00:16:20,203 Whoa. He converted to Christianity? 338 00:16:22,106 --> 00:16:24,173 Why don't we just watch for a while? 339 00:16:24,241 --> 00:16:27,109 Oh, look at the pretty glass up in that window. 340 00:16:27,176 --> 00:16:29,010 Hey, Charlie. 341 00:16:29,045 --> 00:16:31,712 What the hell are you doing here? I told you to back off. 342 00:16:31,780 --> 00:16:33,881 I didn't know you were going to the 9:00 mass, 343 00:16:33,948 --> 00:16:37,250 but, hey, I can leave if my son doesn't want me to practice my faith. 344 00:16:37,318 --> 00:16:39,386 No, no, no. Just sit down and shut up. 345 00:16:39,454 --> 00:16:40,987 - Dad. - I'm sorry. We're in church. 346 00:16:41,055 --> 00:16:42,723 Please, sit down and please shut up. 347 00:16:47,127 --> 00:16:50,962 - If you have any questions, just ask me. - I have a question. 348 00:16:51,030 --> 00:16:55,032 How many angels can dance on the head of an unconscious old man? 349 00:16:55,099 --> 00:16:57,667 Speaking of angels. 350 00:16:57,735 --> 00:17:00,103 As promised, there you are, young lady. 351 00:17:00,171 --> 00:17:02,338 - What is that? - Saint Christopher medal. 352 00:17:02,406 --> 00:17:04,807 It's to keep me safe while I ride my bike. 353 00:17:04,875 --> 00:17:07,376 Oh, cool. Does it come with a reflector Jesus? 354 00:17:09,179 --> 00:17:13,014 Dad, you know Sam has OCD, 355 00:17:13,082 --> 00:17:14,715 so loading her up with a bunch of good luck charms... 356 00:17:14,783 --> 00:17:16,484 probably not the best idea in the world. 357 00:17:16,551 --> 00:17:18,919 But that's why I wanted to be Catholic. 358 00:17:18,987 --> 00:17:21,093 What? 359 00:17:21,106 --> 00:17:23,222 Catholicism is perfect for a kid with OCD. 360 00:17:23,290 --> 00:17:25,224 She can light candles for her problems, 361 00:17:25,292 --> 00:17:27,326 she can go to confession when she gets worried, 362 00:17:27,394 --> 00:17:30,693 and when she feels compelled to count, she can do it on her rosary. 363 00:17:30,761 --> 00:17:32,795 - She doesn't have a rosary. - She does now. 364 00:17:36,265 --> 00:17:37,933 Sam. 365 00:17:42,204 --> 00:17:45,440 You used her OCD so you could get her to become a Catholic? 366 00:17:45,507 --> 00:17:48,509 - You selfish bastard. - I saved her soul and honor thy Father, 367 00:17:48,577 --> 00:17:50,945 you arrogant son of a... 368 00:17:51,012 --> 00:17:53,147 me. 369 00:17:53,215 --> 00:17:57,084 Don't you get it? You sent a diabetic to the candy store. 370 00:17:57,152 --> 00:17:59,620 You know what? You are out of my life again. 371 00:17:59,688 --> 00:18:02,656 You can keep me out of your life, but you can't keep me out of hers. 372 00:18:02,724 --> 00:18:04,792 And keep your voice down, you're setting a bad example. 373 00:18:04,859 --> 00:18:06,727 Oh, I'm setting a bad example? 374 00:18:06,795 --> 00:18:08,529 You used a necklace to bribe 375 00:18:08,596 --> 00:18:10,797 a 15-year-old girl to get her to do what you want 376 00:18:10,865 --> 00:18:12,198 and I'm the bad guy? 377 00:18:17,305 --> 00:18:18,571 Hola. 378 00:18:23,078 --> 00:18:25,146 Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. 379 00:18:25,213 --> 00:18:27,315 It's been almost... 380 00:18:27,383 --> 00:18:29,784 30 years since my last confession. 381 00:18:29,851 --> 00:18:32,320 You've been leading a very righteous life, my son. 382 00:18:32,388 --> 00:18:35,057 Eh, no. 383 00:18:35,124 --> 00:18:37,292 But I need your help, Father. 384 00:18:37,360 --> 00:18:40,762 I want you to tell my daughter that she's come to the church for the wrong reasons. 385 00:18:40,830 --> 00:18:43,699 There's no such thing as the wrong reason. 386 00:18:43,767 --> 00:18:45,802 Yeah, forgive me, Father, but as a kid, 387 00:18:45,869 --> 00:18:49,372 I used to come here to see girls on their knees with their tongues out. 388 00:18:49,440 --> 00:18:52,309 Okay... 389 00:18:52,376 --> 00:18:54,444 that may be a new "Hail Mary" record 390 00:18:54,512 --> 00:18:56,647 you've got there. 391 00:18:56,748 --> 00:18:59,349 Look, my daughter was tricked. 392 00:18:59,417 --> 00:19:01,385 She's got OCD and she's only here because 393 00:19:01,453 --> 00:19:05,222 she's attracted to all the trinkets and the rituals and the saints. 394 00:19:05,290 --> 00:19:08,459 So, she's attracted to the Catholicism. 395 00:19:08,527 --> 00:19:10,795 Okay, you're not hearing me here. 396 00:19:10,863 --> 00:19:14,299 My son, God brings people to the church 397 00:19:14,366 --> 00:19:16,569 in many different ways. 398 00:19:16,637 --> 00:19:18,539 Yeah, so did my dad. 399 00:19:18,607 --> 00:19:22,578 By the ear, by the arm, by the neck. 400 00:19:22,645 --> 00:19:25,314 Thank God I found the girls. He was running out of things to grab. 401 00:19:28,384 --> 00:19:30,686 Father, can you at least smite my dad? 402 00:19:33,423 --> 00:19:37,458 I'm sorry, but the church is here for everyone. 403 00:19:37,493 --> 00:19:40,921 Now, is there anything you'd like to confess? 404 00:19:40,988 --> 00:19:43,590 No, I think I'm good. 405 00:19:43,657 --> 00:19:45,258 Oh... 406 00:19:45,326 --> 00:19:47,261 this morning in church, 407 00:19:47,329 --> 00:19:49,463 I might have called my dad a child molester. 408 00:19:49,531 --> 00:19:51,365 Yes, we heard you. 409 00:19:58,072 --> 00:20:00,973 - So Sam is staying Catholic? - Oh, yeah, she loves it. 410 00:20:01,041 --> 00:20:03,976 Now I can't kill my dad because that would make him a martyr 411 00:20:04,010 --> 00:20:05,978 and she'd walk around for the rest of her life 412 00:20:06,046 --> 00:20:08,546 wearing a necklace with his face on it. 413 00:20:08,614 --> 00:20:11,982 Since that's the fourth time you've mentioned killing your father, 414 00:20:12,050 --> 00:20:15,419 I'm guessing you two still have some unresolved issues to work out? 415 00:20:15,487 --> 00:20:17,588 Oh, no. They're resolved. 416 00:20:17,623 --> 00:20:19,791 I told him he's not allowed at my house anymore. 417 00:20:19,858 --> 00:20:21,359 Where is he now? 418 00:20:21,427 --> 00:20:23,828 He's at my house. 419 00:20:23,896 --> 00:20:27,766 Let me guess, Catholic guilt? 420 00:20:27,834 --> 00:20:30,168 With all of the religious talk going on, 421 00:20:30,236 --> 00:20:33,405 I thought it was important for somebody to represent the other side. 422 00:20:35,142 --> 00:20:37,043 Is this gonna cost me my soul? 423 00:20:37,110 --> 00:20:41,414 No, you just have to be ready to keep going for eternity. 424 00:20:41,445 --> 00:20:44,508 I'm... I'm good for now, but seriously, I have to get to work tomorrow. 425 00:20:44,522 --> 00:20:59,772 Sync & corrections by No1 www.addic7ed.com.