1
00:00:00,828 --> 00:00:02,636
So, Patrick, are you saying
that you were an angry baby?
2
00:00:02,704 --> 00:00:05,176
No, I think more of
a sardonic baby.
3
00:00:05,244 --> 00:00:07,187
My first word was,
4
00:00:07,254 --> 00:00:09,259
[flatly] "Really?"
5
00:00:09,327 --> 00:00:11,494
What the hell
does sardonic mean?
6
00:00:11,562 --> 00:00:14,094
[Flatly] Really?
7
00:00:14,162 --> 00:00:17,538
Well, we're out of time,
so I will see you all next week.
8
00:00:19,894 --> 00:00:21,695
Lacey, can you hang
back for a minute?
9
00:00:21,763 --> 00:00:24,364
- What's up?
- Look, I think you and I both know
10
00:00:24,432 --> 00:00:26,298
that there's something
going on between us
11
00:00:26,366 --> 00:00:27,867
and we need to talk about it.
12
00:00:27,935 --> 00:00:29,369
Oh, my God.
13
00:00:29,437 --> 00:00:31,404
Are we actually, like,
acknowledging this?
14
00:00:31,472 --> 00:00:35,204
It's wrong, but there's
nothing I can do about it.
15
00:00:35,272 --> 00:00:38,172
- I want you.
- 'Kay.
16
00:00:52,083 --> 00:00:54,784
- You are so amazing.
- I know, right?
17
00:00:58,556 --> 00:01:01,190
What the hell? Charlie?
18
00:01:01,257 --> 00:01:03,191
Okay, that's it.
19
00:01:03,259 --> 00:01:06,058
No more not drinking
before bed.
20
00:01:06,353 --> 00:01:08,152
[Theme music playing]
21
00:01:08,153 --> 00:01:11,493
Sync & corrections by No1
www.addic7ed.Com
22
00:01:11,496 --> 00:01:14,163
[knocks on door]
23
00:01:14,231 --> 00:01:16,097
Coming.
24
00:01:21,303 --> 00:01:23,938
- Hey.
- What the hell are you doing with that?
25
00:01:24,005 --> 00:01:25,807
I'm selling them
door to door.
26
00:01:25,874 --> 00:01:28,543
Good evening, miss. Is there someone
less aggressive I could talk to?
27
00:01:30,213 --> 00:01:32,080
Sam called you, didn't she?
28
00:01:32,148 --> 00:01:35,016
Yeah, she said that your vacuum
cleaner died, so I brought you one.
29
00:01:35,084 --> 00:01:36,917
Because she's been
vacuuming the house
30
00:01:36,985 --> 00:01:38,985
for the last seven hours
and wore it out.
31
00:01:39,053 --> 00:01:41,888
Aha! So it didn't die.
32
00:01:43,324 --> 00:01:47,193
- It was murdered.
- I'm serious, Charlie.
33
00:01:47,261 --> 00:01:50,062
Her OCD's acting up.
It's her English class.
34
00:01:50,130 --> 00:01:53,298
Sam's a straight-A student, but
no matter how hard she works,
35
00:01:53,366 --> 00:01:56,735
she can't get an A out of this
teacher and it's driving her nuts.
36
00:01:56,803 --> 00:01:59,638
God, I hated English.
I always cut that class.
37
00:01:59,705 --> 00:02:02,608
And those English teachers with
their stupid vocabulary quizzes.
38
00:02:02,675 --> 00:02:06,010
They were also so... so...
39
00:02:06,078 --> 00:02:07,812
why can't I ever find
the right words?
40
00:02:09,581 --> 00:02:10,981
My God. Thank you so much.
41
00:02:11,049 --> 00:02:13,084
I still have the whole
upstairs to do.
42
00:02:13,151 --> 00:02:16,520
- Did you bring the extension cord?
- Sam, Sam, you're obsessing.
43
00:02:16,588 --> 00:02:18,122
What's going on with
your English teacher?
44
00:02:18,190 --> 00:02:20,124
I don't know what
the woman wants.
45
00:02:20,192 --> 00:02:22,159
Look, you're stuck
in a pattern, okay?
46
00:02:22,227 --> 00:02:24,361
So I want you to go upstairs
and do anything but vacuum.
47
00:02:24,429 --> 00:02:26,364
Fine, I'll just go upstairs
48
00:02:26,431 --> 00:02:28,398
and start a dangerous relationship
with an Internet predator.
49
00:02:29,998 --> 00:02:32,694
Go for it. As long as he
doesn't bring you a vacuum.
50
00:02:32,762 --> 00:02:35,263
You've gotta go see
that teacher.
51
00:02:35,331 --> 00:02:37,732
- Okay, when do you wanna go?
- Oh, no. I shouldn't go.
52
00:02:37,800 --> 00:02:40,301
You know me, when it comes
to Sam, I'm too defensive.
53
00:02:40,368 --> 00:02:44,437
Remember when she was 12 and I yelled
at that jackass for calling her short?
54
00:02:44,505 --> 00:02:47,639
That was his job. You had to be this
tall to get on the roller coaster.
55
00:02:50,876 --> 00:02:54,245
- And, Ed, how was your weekend?
- I got into a fender bender.
56
00:02:54,313 --> 00:02:56,313
The other driver was elderly
57
00:02:56,381 --> 00:02:58,315
and she was a woman
58
00:02:58,383 --> 00:03:01,845
and, surprise, surprise,
she was an Asian.
59
00:03:03,113 --> 00:03:05,147
I hit the trifecta.
60
00:03:05,215 --> 00:03:07,249
What happened? Did you
swerve to avoid hitting
61
00:03:07,317 --> 00:03:10,284
the sneaky Arab
or carload of Mexicans?
62
00:03:10,352 --> 00:03:13,187
- Now you're being ridiculous.
- Okay, that's true.
63
00:03:13,255 --> 00:03:15,989
You wouldn't swerve.
64
00:03:16,057 --> 00:03:18,424
All right, we're out of time, folks.
I'll see you all next week.
65
00:03:21,995 --> 00:03:24,796
- Lacey, can I talk to you for a second?
- Oh, God. It's happening.
66
00:03:27,599 --> 00:03:30,868
Everything okay? You spent the
whole session staring at me.
67
00:03:30,935 --> 00:03:34,137
If I didn't know better, I'd
think you were paying attention.
68
00:03:34,205 --> 00:03:35,805
No, that'd be silly,
69
00:03:35,873 --> 00:03:37,907
but I can't really
talk about it.
70
00:03:37,975 --> 00:03:40,175
Not with you.
71
00:03:40,243 --> 00:03:42,977
You can tell me anything. You told me that
you got high at your grandmother's funeral.
72
00:03:43,045 --> 00:03:46,280
- Is this worse than that?
- That was 2010, Charlie.
73
00:03:46,347 --> 00:03:48,982
Attitudes about drugs
were very different back then.
74
00:03:50,518 --> 00:03:52,985
And, uh, I can't talk
to you about it
75
00:03:53,053 --> 00:03:55,154
because it's...
76
00:03:55,222 --> 00:03:56,955
it's a woman's problem.
77
00:03:57,023 --> 00:03:59,224
Would you feel more comfortable
talking to a female therapist?
78
00:03:59,292 --> 00:04:02,760
- I could ask Kate.
- Yeah, Kate would be perfect.
79
00:04:02,828 --> 00:04:05,562
She knows me
and she knows you...
80
00:04:05,629 --> 00:04:07,363
♪ My nature. ♪
81
00:04:14,203 --> 00:04:17,238
- Miss Hippert?
- Oh, you must be Samantha's dad.
82
00:04:17,306 --> 00:04:19,240
So sorry I'm late. I was
gonna shoot you a text,
83
00:04:19,308 --> 00:04:21,375
but my dog ate the phone.
84
00:04:23,745 --> 00:04:25,913
No?
85
00:04:25,980 --> 00:04:28,181
Go ahead and have a seat.
86
00:04:28,249 --> 00:04:30,416
Yeah, the chairs are a lot bigger
now that obesity is such a problem.
87
00:04:33,754 --> 00:04:36,289
Listen, I know you're really busy and
I really appreciate you seeing me.
88
00:04:36,357 --> 00:04:38,157
It's just that
my daughter Sam
89
00:04:38,225 --> 00:04:40,559
is having kind of
a hard time in your class.
90
00:04:40,627 --> 00:04:44,129
Really?
Well, she has a B average.
91
00:04:44,197 --> 00:04:46,465
- A B's a very good grade.
- Oh, I know.
92
00:04:46,532 --> 00:04:49,434
I was one of those jocks who used
to make fun of the guys who got Bs.
93
00:04:49,502 --> 00:04:51,536
In fact, the one time I got a B,
I had to stick my own head
94
00:04:51,603 --> 00:04:54,705
in the toilet
and give myself a swirly.
95
00:04:54,773 --> 00:04:56,573
And your daughter's different.
96
00:04:56,641 --> 00:05:00,510
I get it, but the only time I give
As is for truly outstanding work.
97
00:05:00,578 --> 00:05:03,414
I understand that
grading essays is subjective,
98
00:05:03,481 --> 00:05:06,317
but if I can go home with a list of
criteria that Sam could work towards
99
00:05:06,385 --> 00:05:08,053
to raise her grade,
that would be great.
100
00:05:08,120 --> 00:05:10,388
Absolutely.
101
00:05:10,456 --> 00:05:13,792
- I'd be happy to.
- Thanks.
102
00:05:13,860 --> 00:05:17,196
It's funny, my ex was afraid that this
is gonna be very confrontational.
103
00:05:17,264 --> 00:05:20,033
Oh, no. They always
go really well.
104
00:05:20,100 --> 00:05:22,936
Except for the ones where the single
dads come in and try to hit on me.
105
00:05:23,003 --> 00:05:25,438
I would never do that.
106
00:05:25,505 --> 00:05:27,339
Yeah.
107
00:05:31,244 --> 00:05:32,945
Eh, do you want me
to do that?
108
00:05:33,012 --> 00:05:35,147
Um, well, believe me,
109
00:05:35,215 --> 00:05:38,084
normally I would never even
think about dating a parent,
110
00:05:38,151 --> 00:05:40,219
but in two weeks,
111
00:05:40,287 --> 00:05:42,722
I'm moving to Portugal
to teach English,
112
00:05:42,789 --> 00:05:45,925
so it's not really an issue.
113
00:05:45,993 --> 00:05:47,761
- Portugal?
- Yeah.
114
00:05:47,828 --> 00:05:49,830
So, as long as
we're discreet,
115
00:05:49,897 --> 00:05:52,933
I won't get in trouble and your
daughter won't get embarrassed.
116
00:05:53,000 --> 00:05:56,303
Fine, if anyone asks,
Portugal.
117
00:05:56,371 --> 00:05:59,306
That's our story.
118
00:05:59,374 --> 00:06:01,675
No, I mean, I really
am moving to Portugal.
119
00:06:01,742 --> 00:06:04,978
Oh, yes, you are.
That's what makes this okay.
120
00:06:05,046 --> 00:06:06,913
No, seriously.
It's been a dream of mine
121
00:06:06,981 --> 00:06:09,382
ever since I studied
Portuguese history in college.
122
00:06:09,450 --> 00:06:12,852
Wow, you have a whole backstory.
That is a serious commitment.
123
00:06:12,920 --> 00:06:16,690
[Speaks Portuguese]
124
00:06:16,758 --> 00:06:18,792
And you learned that language.
How long were you waiting for me
125
00:06:18,860 --> 00:06:20,260
to come in here and complain
about my daughter?
126
00:06:22,264 --> 00:06:24,432
Okay, you.
127
00:06:24,499 --> 00:06:27,168
- So when are we getting together?
- How 'bout tonight?
128
00:06:27,236 --> 00:06:29,973
Oh, gosh. I wish, but I've got
a ton of papers to grade.
129
00:06:30,041 --> 00:06:31,409
Oh.
130
00:06:36,750 --> 00:06:38,884
Okay, 10 more papers
131
00:06:38,952 --> 00:06:42,554
and then I wanna do
that again.
132
00:06:42,622 --> 00:06:44,724
I gotta tell ya, you have
really set the bar high
133
00:06:44,791 --> 00:06:47,956
for parent-teacher
conferences.
134
00:06:51,632 --> 00:06:53,800
So it's really awkward because
I'm sitting there in group
135
00:06:53,867 --> 00:06:56,603
and all I can think about
is seeing Charlie naked.
136
00:06:56,670 --> 00:06:59,172
Has anything like that
ever happened to you?
137
00:06:59,240 --> 00:07:01,508
Seeing Charlie naked?
138
00:07:01,576 --> 00:07:03,977
No, of course not. I've
never seen Charlie naked.
139
00:07:04,045 --> 00:07:06,413
I mean, having a dream
like that.
140
00:07:06,481 --> 00:07:08,781
Oh, right. Dream.
141
00:07:08,849 --> 00:07:11,650
Well, we all have
strange dreams.
142
00:07:11,718 --> 00:07:14,151
Well, can you at least
hypnotize me
143
00:07:14,219 --> 00:07:17,388
or give me some kind of drug
that might make them stop?
144
00:07:17,455 --> 00:07:19,657
I'm afraid
it's not that easy.
145
00:07:19,724 --> 00:07:21,458
So there's no drugs at all?
146
00:07:23,628 --> 00:07:26,263
- No.
- Can you at least look into it?
147
00:07:28,365 --> 00:07:32,163
No. It's very natural
to have dreams
148
00:07:32,231 --> 00:07:34,432
about someone in a position
of power whom we admire.
149
00:07:34,500 --> 00:07:36,868
Oh, so what you're saying
150
00:07:36,936 --> 00:07:38,970
is I'm not really
in love with Charlie.
151
00:07:39,038 --> 00:07:41,272
No.
152
00:07:41,340 --> 00:07:43,541
I'm talking about
idol worship.
153
00:07:43,609 --> 00:07:45,876
Subconsciously,
you're so impressed
154
00:07:45,944 --> 00:07:49,078
with Charlie's insights that you're
imbuing him with the sexual prowess
155
00:07:49,146 --> 00:07:51,681
that matches what you believe
to be his mental acuity.
156
00:07:51,748 --> 00:07:53,916
Wow.
157
00:07:53,983 --> 00:07:56,251
You are, like, super smart.
158
00:07:58,721 --> 00:08:02,457
And you are super observant.
159
00:08:02,525 --> 00:08:05,394
- Thank you.
- Now here's what you're going to do.
160
00:08:05,461 --> 00:08:07,095
- You're going to keep a dream journal.
- Uh-huh.
161
00:08:07,163 --> 00:08:08,814
- Because once you gain
control of these fantasies,
162
00:08:08,815 --> 00:08:10,465
- Yeah.
163
00:08:10,533 --> 00:08:13,301
- They will no longer control you.
- Wow.
164
00:08:13,369 --> 00:08:14,969
- Do everything I say...
- Okay.
165
00:08:17,239 --> 00:08:19,373
- ...and your life will be better.
- That's awesome.
166
00:08:21,610 --> 00:08:23,611
Are you gonna say something
after everything I say?
167
00:08:23,678 --> 00:08:25,947
I don't think I can help it.
168
00:08:31,219 --> 00:08:34,187
Hey, Charles.
Wanna play some pool?
169
00:08:34,255 --> 00:08:36,322
Sorry, dude.
I threw my back out.
170
00:08:36,390 --> 00:08:39,525
- Aren't you going out tonight?
- I wish.
171
00:08:39,593 --> 00:08:40,626
You know it's rough out there
172
00:08:40,694 --> 00:08:41,994
when a millionaire tech mogul
173
00:08:42,062 --> 00:08:44,330
like myself can't get a date.
174
00:08:44,398 --> 00:08:48,134
What, the thousandaire real estate
agent wasn't working for ya?
175
00:08:48,202 --> 00:08:51,671
No, that only got me
obtainable-age-appropriate women.
176
00:08:53,507 --> 00:08:55,275
What about you? You got
something going on?
177
00:08:55,343 --> 00:08:56,777
Well, yeah.
178
00:08:56,844 --> 00:08:59,546
Yeah, I met someone really hot,
but it's complicated.
179
00:08:59,613 --> 00:09:01,581
If she's hot,
what's so complicated?
180
00:09:01,649 --> 00:09:03,750
I met her at Sam's school.
181
00:09:03,817 --> 00:09:06,018
Oh, cool.
182
00:09:06,086 --> 00:09:08,054
What grade?
183
00:09:08,121 --> 00:09:10,356
It's her teacher.
184
00:09:10,424 --> 00:09:13,760
Well, that's a more mature
form of terrible judgment.
185
00:09:13,827 --> 00:09:16,095
I know, but no one's
gonna find out
186
00:09:16,163 --> 00:09:17,930
because she's moving
to Portugal in a week.
187
00:09:17,998 --> 00:09:20,166
Thank God because the woman
is wearing me out.
188
00:09:20,234 --> 00:09:22,802
Every session is a marathon.
189
00:09:22,870 --> 00:09:24,704
How's the medal ceremony?
190
00:09:24,772 --> 00:09:28,074
It's fantastic. It just takes
forever to get her to the podium.
191
00:09:28,141 --> 00:09:30,877
Who do you pretend to be
to get women like that?
192
00:09:30,944 --> 00:09:32,912
Navy SEAL, president, what?
193
00:09:32,980 --> 00:09:34,681
I just told her
I was Sam's father.
194
00:09:34,749 --> 00:09:36,950
Oh, I'll try it, but I
don't have high hopes.
195
00:09:38,953 --> 00:09:41,888
Look, just make sure
that you are good in bed.
196
00:09:41,956 --> 00:09:43,623
Sam's grades
might depend on it.
197
00:09:43,691 --> 00:09:45,592
What the hell
are you talking about?
198
00:09:45,660 --> 00:09:47,728
You know what?
199
00:09:47,796 --> 00:09:49,863
I used to date my female
karate instructor,
200
00:09:49,931 --> 00:09:51,765
but I never got
my black belt.
201
00:09:51,833 --> 00:09:55,269
You know why? Because I
was terrible in bed.
202
00:09:55,337 --> 00:09:57,338
In my defense, she'd spend
the previous half hour
203
00:09:57,406 --> 00:09:59,273
trying to kick me
in the balls,
204
00:09:59,341 --> 00:10:01,375
so I was a little flinchy.
205
00:10:01,443 --> 00:10:03,410
That's just stupid.
206
00:10:03,478 --> 00:10:06,046
There's no way that my performance
in bed is gonna affect Sam's grades.
207
00:10:06,114 --> 00:10:08,482
So the teacher hasn't
made any comments?
208
00:10:08,550 --> 00:10:10,083
Well, yeah.
209
00:10:10,151 --> 00:10:11,718
I mean, last night,
she made a joke about me
210
00:10:11,786 --> 00:10:13,587
doing B-plus work,
but so what?
211
00:10:13,654 --> 00:10:15,489
That wasn't a joke.
212
00:10:17,259 --> 00:10:19,361
- Hey, Dad.
- Hey, sweetie.
213
00:10:19,429 --> 00:10:21,331
- How are ya?
- Not great.
214
00:10:21,398 --> 00:10:23,233
What's the matter?
215
00:10:23,234 --> 00:10:25,068
I worked so hard on this
essay and I only got a B-plus.
216
00:10:25,136 --> 00:10:27,504
Huh, B-plus, eh?
217
00:10:30,274 --> 00:10:33,210
Started out strong,
but left me wanting more.
218
00:10:35,313 --> 00:10:38,013
You were supposed to talk to her teacher.
Did you go down there?
219
00:10:38,082 --> 00:10:40,584
Yeah, Charles.
Did you go down there?
220
00:10:40,651 --> 00:10:42,619
Of course I went down there.
221
00:10:42,686 --> 00:10:46,423
- How many times?
- Just the once, but I was very thorough.
222
00:10:46,491 --> 00:10:48,326
So you really gave it to her?
223
00:10:48,393 --> 00:10:51,129
Oh, yeah. You should've seen me.
You would've been proud of me.
224
00:10:51,197 --> 00:10:55,066
Look, Sam. Miss Hippert's
obviously a tough teacher,
225
00:10:55,134 --> 00:10:58,136
but you keep pushing, I bet
she'll finally give up that A.
226
00:10:58,204 --> 00:11:00,572
Well, I think
that about covers it.
227
00:11:02,708 --> 00:11:05,510
Sam, I need to go over
some stuff with Dad.
228
00:11:05,578 --> 00:11:07,646
Can you give us a minute?
229
00:11:07,714 --> 00:11:10,184
Sam, we love
how driven you are,
230
00:11:10,251 --> 00:11:12,087
but if you ever failed, you know
it's not the end of the world.
231
00:11:12,154 --> 00:11:14,856
That's the worst advice
you've ever given me, Dad.
232
00:11:14,924 --> 00:11:16,558
That's not true.
233
00:11:16,626 --> 00:11:18,326
I told you to take
ballet $5,000 ago.
234
00:11:24,266 --> 00:11:25,800
Man.
235
00:11:25,868 --> 00:11:28,305
Her OCD is kicking
in big time.
236
00:11:28,372 --> 00:11:30,777
I found a DustBuster
in her backpack.
237
00:11:30,844 --> 00:11:34,147
She says it's not hers, but every
night she locks her bedroom door
238
00:11:34,215 --> 00:11:36,983
and I know she's in there
vacuuming the rug.
239
00:11:37,051 --> 00:11:39,719
What are you saying, that
our daughter's doing rugs?
240
00:11:41,255 --> 00:11:43,423
Yeah, Charlie. Your
daughter has a rug problem.
241
00:11:44,859 --> 00:11:47,227
I mean, I gotta tell
you, she's a mess.
242
00:11:47,295 --> 00:11:49,529
I don't know what it's gonna
take to get her to get an A.
243
00:11:51,065 --> 00:11:52,899
I don't either.
244
00:11:57,674 --> 00:12:00,910
[Panting] So... did I...
do good...
245
00:12:00,978 --> 00:12:03,946
Miss Hippert?
246
00:12:04,014 --> 00:12:07,015
"Well," Charlie.
You did well.
247
00:12:08,418 --> 00:12:10,085
Sorry I took so long.
248
00:12:10,153 --> 00:12:11,620
Are you kidding?
It was great.
249
00:12:11,688 --> 00:12:13,922
As long as the phone call
I had to make in the middle
250
00:12:13,990 --> 00:12:15,624
and cancel an appointment
didn't bother you.
251
00:12:15,692 --> 00:12:18,660
You were like a man
on a mission tonight.
252
00:12:18,728 --> 00:12:20,462
Well, I just wanted to
make sure I aced that one.
253
00:12:23,299 --> 00:12:26,068
You're really getting off on this whole
student-teacher thing, aren't you?
254
00:12:26,136 --> 00:12:28,771
Yeah, playing games is fun.
255
00:12:28,838 --> 00:12:31,307
I think I did pretty well
on the test.
256
00:12:31,374 --> 00:12:35,178
There was some stuff in the middle I was
guessing on, but I think I still got an A.
257
00:12:35,246 --> 00:12:37,848
You're just going to have to wait
for your report card, young man.
258
00:12:43,120 --> 00:12:45,588
Are you feeling
what I'm feeling?
259
00:12:45,656 --> 00:12:47,174
I don't know. Are you
feeling like you did
260
00:12:47,175 --> 00:12:48,691
permanent ligament damage
to one of your fingers?
261
00:12:50,260 --> 00:12:52,828
I mean, about us.
262
00:12:52,896 --> 00:12:56,565
Yeah, it's a shame that you
have to go away in a few days.
263
00:12:56,633 --> 00:12:58,400
[Strained] I think we
really have something here.
264
00:12:58,468 --> 00:13:02,037
That's what
I was thinking, too.
265
00:13:02,105 --> 00:13:04,339
So I cancelled my plans
for Portugal.
266
00:13:05,775 --> 00:13:07,476
- Excuse me?
- I'm staying.
267
00:13:07,544 --> 00:13:09,745
But... but... but you can't.
268
00:13:09,813 --> 00:13:13,048
It'll be a disaster... for
the children of Portugal.
269
00:13:13,115 --> 00:13:15,617
They can wait.
270
00:13:15,685 --> 00:13:18,920
Do you know how hard it is to find a
guy as patient and as generous as you?
271
00:13:18,988 --> 00:13:20,688
Do you know how hard it is to
find someone who can translate.
272
00:13:20,756 --> 00:13:23,324
"Oliver Twist"
into Portuguese?
273
00:13:23,392 --> 00:13:27,228
"Please, sir. May I have
some más, por favor?"
274
00:13:27,296 --> 00:13:29,630
I know this is
kind of a surprise,
275
00:13:29,698 --> 00:13:32,366
but we'll be fine
as long as we're discreet.
276
00:13:32,434 --> 00:13:34,534
You're okay with this, right?
277
00:13:34,602 --> 00:13:36,837
Okay with you being Sam's teacher
for the rest of the year?
278
00:13:36,904 --> 00:13:39,206
Yeah, and next year, too.
279
00:13:39,273 --> 00:13:42,208
They're moving me
to the 10th grade.
280
00:13:42,276 --> 00:13:44,411
Wouldn't it be crazy if I was
Sam's teacher for all four years?
281
00:13:44,478 --> 00:13:46,680
- [laughs]
- [Laughs, groans]
282
00:13:49,984 --> 00:13:53,453
So, looking back over your journal, have
you noticed any patterns in your dreams?
283
00:13:53,521 --> 00:13:55,455
Well, there is one thing.
284
00:13:55,523 --> 00:13:58,625
In all of them, everything will
be going along super normal,
285
00:13:58,693 --> 00:14:00,493
and then out of nowhere,
286
00:14:00,561 --> 00:14:03,763
someone will say something
really sexual.
287
00:14:03,831 --> 00:14:06,132
I can see your panties.
288
00:14:06,200 --> 00:14:09,001
Yeah, just like that.
289
00:14:09,069 --> 00:14:11,804
No, really.
I can see your panties.
290
00:14:11,872 --> 00:14:13,939
Oh, I'm so sorry.
291
00:14:14,007 --> 00:14:16,408
Don't apologize.
292
00:14:16,475 --> 00:14:18,677
I like it.
293
00:14:18,744 --> 00:14:20,912
It's happening.
294
00:14:23,749 --> 00:14:26,184
You are so hot.
295
00:14:26,252 --> 00:14:28,386
I know, right?
296
00:14:28,454 --> 00:14:30,622
So, we gonna do this?
297
00:14:30,689 --> 00:14:32,323
Sure, why not?
298
00:14:35,428 --> 00:14:37,396
Okay, seriously?
299
00:14:37,463 --> 00:14:40,099
What the hell
is going on with me?
300
00:14:40,166 --> 00:14:42,401
And where did Kate
get those shoes?
301
00:14:47,172 --> 00:14:49,038
Coming.
302
00:14:50,340 --> 00:14:53,975
- Jen, we have to talk.
- What's wrong?
303
00:14:54,043 --> 00:14:56,443
Okay, how do I put this
without freaking you out?
304
00:14:56,511 --> 00:14:58,579
You know that thing
305
00:14:58,646 --> 00:15:00,547
where you're not supposed to
sleep with your kid's teacher?
306
00:15:02,316 --> 00:15:04,084
- Charlie.
- It's not my fault.
307
00:15:04,152 --> 00:15:06,252
She promised she'd have sex with
me and then leave the country.
308
00:15:06,320 --> 00:15:08,488
I've been looking for
that deal my whole life.
309
00:15:08,555 --> 00:15:11,290
- You're disgusting.
- And I'm exhausted.
310
00:15:13,359 --> 00:15:15,127
Do you have any idea what it's
like to have sex with this woman?
311
00:15:15,194 --> 00:15:16,928
I feel like...
312
00:15:16,996 --> 00:15:19,764
who's the Greek guy who kept trying
to push that giant rock up the hill?
313
00:15:19,831 --> 00:15:22,132
Syphilis.
314
00:15:22,200 --> 00:15:25,001
Dear God, I hope not.
315
00:15:25,069 --> 00:15:26,936
Why, Charlie?
316
00:15:27,004 --> 00:15:30,072
With Sam's teacher?
What were you thinking?
317
00:15:30,140 --> 00:15:33,441
Okay, okay. I know it was a bad call, but I
figured, two weeks, what could go wrong?
318
00:15:33,509 --> 00:15:35,327
And how was I supposed
to know she'd be linking
319
00:15:35,328 --> 00:15:37,145
Sam's grades to my
sexual performance?
320
00:15:37,212 --> 00:15:39,347
Oh, there's no way
she's doing that.
321
00:15:39,414 --> 00:15:41,715
I know it sounds crazy,
but she is.
322
00:15:41,783 --> 00:15:45,252
[Sighs] How did you get
yourself into this situation?
323
00:15:45,320 --> 00:15:48,789
- You're such a moron.
- I know.
324
00:15:48,857 --> 00:15:50,990
But don't worry, I'm
gonna break up with her.
325
00:15:51,058 --> 00:15:53,226
- Oh, no, you're not.
- What?
326
00:15:53,294 --> 00:15:56,762
Sam's OCD's getting worse.
She's driving me crazy.
327
00:15:56,830 --> 00:16:00,665
You're gonna keep sleeping with
this woman until Sam gets an A.
328
00:16:00,733 --> 00:16:02,566
You're not my wife anymore.
329
00:16:02,634 --> 00:16:04,635
You can't just run around forcing
me to sleep with people.
330
00:16:04,703 --> 00:16:06,503
I'm serious, Charlie.
331
00:16:06,571 --> 00:16:08,472
If she's petty enough
to grade you in bed,
332
00:16:08,539 --> 00:16:11,308
she's petty enough to take it out
on Sam if you break up with her.
333
00:16:11,376 --> 00:16:13,710
All right, fine.
334
00:16:13,777 --> 00:16:15,611
My... my back is messed up,
335
00:16:15,679 --> 00:16:18,347
my jaw's killing me, and I'm pretty
sure that three of my tattoos
336
00:16:18,415 --> 00:16:20,682
are starting to rub off.
337
00:16:20,750 --> 00:16:23,118
Oh, and by the way, B-plus?
338
00:16:23,186 --> 00:16:25,219
You're gonna have to
step it up, mister.
339
00:16:26,788 --> 00:16:28,488
For God's sakes, woman.
340
00:16:28,556 --> 00:16:31,090
I don't know what else there
is to do with a penis.
341
00:16:31,158 --> 00:16:33,860
Years ago, I said
the exact same thing to you,
342
00:16:33,927 --> 00:16:36,396
and I'm gonna tell you
what you told me.
343
00:16:36,463 --> 00:16:38,298
"Baby, keep trying."
344
00:16:43,274 --> 00:16:45,175
Hey, Charlie.
345
00:16:45,243 --> 00:16:48,412
I know your teacher's coming over,
but you got a couple of eggs?
346
00:16:48,479 --> 00:16:50,981
- I'm making a cake.
- A cake?
347
00:16:51,049 --> 00:16:52,784
If you wanna see what she
looks like, just say so.
348
00:16:52,785 --> 00:16:54,518
I'm not that desperate.
349
00:16:54,586 --> 00:16:58,554
All right, fine.
You're making a cake.
350
00:17:02,659 --> 00:17:05,261
[Whistles]
351
00:17:05,329 --> 00:17:07,330
- Here you go.
- What are those for?
352
00:17:08,866 --> 00:17:11,634
- The cake.
- Oh, right.
353
00:17:14,539 --> 00:17:16,607
- She's not gonna be here for another hour.
- Damn it.
354
00:17:19,110 --> 00:17:20,644
[Cell phone chimes]
355
00:17:20,712 --> 00:17:22,880
Oh, that's impossible.
356
00:17:22,948 --> 00:17:25,716
- What happened?
- Sam got a D.
357
00:17:25,784 --> 00:17:29,186
That stupid teacher
gave me a D.
358
00:17:29,254 --> 00:17:32,122
I'm screwing my daughter
into a community college.
359
00:17:36,894 --> 00:17:38,695
[Knocking on door]
360
00:17:42,833 --> 00:17:44,734
Charlie?
361
00:17:44,802 --> 00:17:45,935
Charlie?
362
00:17:47,838 --> 00:17:49,672
Oh, hey. Come in. Come in.
363
00:17:49,740 --> 00:17:51,741
Sorry, I was just vacuuming.
364
00:17:51,808 --> 00:17:54,043
I don't know why.
365
00:17:54,111 --> 00:17:57,681
- Is everything okay?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
366
00:17:57,748 --> 00:18:00,317
Actually, no. I need
to ask you a question.
367
00:18:00,385 --> 00:18:02,786
Am I satisfying you?
368
00:18:02,853 --> 00:18:04,688
What do you mean?
369
00:18:06,590 --> 00:18:08,958
Look, I understand
that sex is objective,
370
00:18:09,026 --> 00:18:11,027
but if you could give me
a list of criteria to work on
371
00:18:11,094 --> 00:18:14,164
to raise my grade,
that would be awesome.
372
00:18:14,232 --> 00:18:17,067
You're doing great.
Gold star for Charlie.
373
00:18:18,836 --> 00:18:21,403
- Then why did Sam get a D?
- What?
374
00:18:21,471 --> 00:18:24,236
Oh, come on. We both know that
you're giving Sam bad grades
375
00:18:24,303 --> 00:18:26,371
based on something...
God knows what...
376
00:18:26,439 --> 00:18:28,339
that I'm not doing
for you in bed.
377
00:18:28,407 --> 00:18:31,609
What kind of twisted person
do you think I am?
378
00:18:31,677 --> 00:18:34,646
Obviously, if I knew,
I'd be getting an A.
379
00:18:34,713 --> 00:18:38,149
- You're insane.
- Am I?
380
00:18:38,216 --> 00:18:39,868
What about the B-plus you
gave Sam the morning
381
00:18:39,869 --> 00:18:41,519
after you said I was
a B-plus in bed?
382
00:18:41,587 --> 00:18:43,254
Well, that was a coincidence.
383
00:18:43,322 --> 00:18:45,790
You both did above average,
but not excellent work.
384
00:18:47,793 --> 00:18:50,361
Oh, come on. My kid's never got
a C in her life, let alone a D.
385
00:18:50,429 --> 00:18:51,763
Have you read her essay?
386
00:18:51,764 --> 00:18:53,097
I don't have to. I know
what my kid's capable of.
387
00:18:53,164 --> 00:18:55,332
Well, I brought it with me
to discuss with you
388
00:18:55,400 --> 00:18:57,034
because I was
concerned about it.
389
00:18:57,102 --> 00:18:59,437
Read it.
390
00:18:59,505 --> 00:19:02,006
"'A Long Day's Journey
Into Night'"
391
00:19:02,074 --> 00:19:04,074
is a play about a journey,
392
00:19:04,142 --> 00:19:06,343
a very important journey
393
00:19:06,411 --> 00:19:09,447
that goes so long
it eventually turns into...
394
00:19:09,514 --> 00:19:12,116
"night."
395
00:19:12,184 --> 00:19:14,485
That's a D paper, Charlie.
396
00:19:14,553 --> 00:19:18,122
I don't understand. Why would
Sam write a paper like this?
397
00:19:18,190 --> 00:19:20,024
Yeah, that's what
I was gonna ask you
398
00:19:20,092 --> 00:19:22,660
before you started accusing me
of having absolutely no morals.
399
00:19:22,728 --> 00:19:26,531
Oh, my God. I feel
like such an idiot.
400
00:19:26,599 --> 00:19:29,300
Of course I didn't get a D.
401
00:19:31,003 --> 00:19:34,839
- Good-bye, Charlie.
- I'm... I'm sorry.
402
00:19:34,907 --> 00:19:36,641
If I did get a grade,
what would it be?
403
00:19:38,377 --> 00:19:40,011
[Car starts]
404
00:19:40,079 --> 00:19:42,580
If it's an A,
just ignore me and drive home.
405
00:19:44,249 --> 00:19:46,083
Yes.
406
00:19:48,620 --> 00:19:50,654
- Hi, sweetie.
- Hey.
407
00:19:50,722 --> 00:19:53,357
- Can we talk for a minute?
- Sure.
408
00:19:53,425 --> 00:19:57,094
Listen, I spoke to your teacher
yesterday about your essay.
409
00:19:57,162 --> 00:19:59,696
I'm gonna ask you one question
and I want an honest answer.
410
00:19:59,764 --> 00:20:01,599
Okay.
411
00:20:01,666 --> 00:20:04,668
Did you let your mom
write your paper for you?
412
00:20:04,736 --> 00:20:07,404
No. I wrote it.
413
00:20:07,471 --> 00:20:09,523
Wasn't it horrible?
414
00:20:09,524 --> 00:20:11,575
Any essay that ends with
"peace out" is horrible.
415
00:20:13,978 --> 00:20:16,480
- Why would you do that?
- I was thinking about what you said.
416
00:20:16,548 --> 00:20:18,618
That I need to let go
of my need to be perfect,
417
00:20:18,686 --> 00:20:21,590
so I thought for this one
paper, I would tank it.
418
00:20:21,658 --> 00:20:24,193
Well, that's fantastic.
419
00:20:24,261 --> 00:20:26,128
I'm so proud of you.
Congratulations.
420
00:20:26,196 --> 00:20:29,131
Thank you. Carter
McGary got an A on it,
421
00:20:29,199 --> 00:20:32,368
but rumor has it his dad's
sleeping with Miss Hippert.
422
00:20:32,436 --> 00:20:35,204
Well, good luck to him.
423
00:20:39,143 --> 00:20:41,444
You see, dreams like this
aren't really about sex.
424
00:20:41,512 --> 00:20:43,946
- They're about power.
- I agree.
425
00:20:44,014 --> 00:20:45,715
It doesn't matter
who the person is.
426
00:20:45,783 --> 00:20:47,584
It's an authority figure...
427
00:20:47,652 --> 00:20:50,220
your subconscious
is drawn to them.
428
00:20:50,288 --> 00:20:53,390
So what you're saying is
I not only have anger issues
429
00:20:53,458 --> 00:20:56,393
with authority,
I also wanna please.
430
00:20:56,461 --> 00:20:58,662
Exactly.
431
00:20:58,730 --> 00:21:00,931
Okay, so now that
I know about it,
432
00:21:00,999 --> 00:21:03,567
I won't have any more
of these crazy dreams.
433
00:21:03,635 --> 00:21:05,469
Not so fast.
434
00:21:05,537 --> 00:21:09,674
You still got some daddy issues
to work through.
435
00:21:09,741 --> 00:21:11,242
Scoot over.
436
00:21:11,243 --> 00:21:26,890
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