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00:00:00,805 --> 00:00:04,035
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
2
00:00:04,135 --> 00:00:07,404
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:07,438 --> 00:00:10,974
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,351 --> 00:00:14,319
♪ On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:14,354 --> 00:00:17,823
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:17,857 --> 00:00:21,126
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪
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00:00:21,160 --> 00:00:22,694
♪ All the things that make us
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00:00:22,729 --> 00:00:24,062
♪ Laugh and cry
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00:00:24,097 --> 00:00:25,735
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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00:00:25,736 --> 00:00:29,736
♪ Family Guy 12x04 ♪
A Fistful of Meg
Original Air Date on November 10, 2013
11
00:00:29,737 --> 00:00:34,737
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
12
00:00:34,774 --> 00:00:38,043
We now return
to Captain Central America.
13
00:00:41,080 --> 00:00:42,714
It worked!
14
00:00:42,749 --> 00:00:44,516
Gracias.
What are my powers?
15
00:00:44,550 --> 00:00:45,951
Oh, yeah. It's weird.
16
00:00:45,985 --> 00:00:48,286
You're, like, really good
at painting my living room.
17
00:00:48,321 --> 00:00:50,288
Up, up, and get it done
by Saturday.
18
00:00:50,323 --> 00:00:51,757
We're having a party.
19
00:00:51,791 --> 00:00:53,825
Hey, Brian. Can you come
in here a sec?
20
00:00:53,860 --> 00:00:55,293
Sure, Peter,
what's up?
21
00:00:55,328 --> 00:00:56,695
You're a well-read guy, right?
22
00:00:56,729 --> 00:00:59,031
Well, I don't know. I guess
when I read my Henry David,
23
00:00:59,065 --> 00:01:00,632
I tend to be
pretty Thoreau.
24
00:01:00,667 --> 00:01:02,187
Shut up!
Yeah, 'cause, you see,
25
00:01:02,201 --> 00:01:04,036
I been reading this
novel about three guys,
26
00:01:04,070 --> 00:01:05,237
happen to be pigs, uh,
27
00:01:05,271 --> 00:01:07,105
that decide to
build their own houses.
28
00:01:07,140 --> 00:01:09,574
So, now, one of 'em builds
his house out of straws.
29
00:01:09,609 --> 00:01:11,977
Right? Now, how the hell do
you build a house out of straws?
30
00:01:12,011 --> 00:01:13,712
And-and three pigs
living together?
31
00:01:13,746 --> 00:01:15,814
Gay. You know?
And so's the wolf.
32
00:01:15,848 --> 00:01:17,949
He's chasing pigs and
blowing everything in sight.
33
00:01:17,984 --> 00:01:19,351
Peter,
what are you doing?
34
00:01:19,385 --> 00:01:21,420
I'm just getting ready for bed.
What's wrong?
35
00:01:21,454 --> 00:01:23,955
You're-you're naked.
I'm-I'm right here.
36
00:01:23,990 --> 00:01:25,357
Who cares? You're my dog.
37
00:01:25,391 --> 00:01:27,092
Everybody gets naked
in front of their dog.
38
00:01:27,126 --> 00:01:28,427
Besides, you're always naked,
39
00:01:28,461 --> 00:01:30,762
except for when Lois dresses
you up in that rain gear.
40
00:01:30,797 --> 00:01:32,431
Okay, everyone
in the car!
41
00:01:32,465 --> 00:01:34,299
We're going
to Martha's Vineyard!
42
00:01:34,333 --> 00:01:36,735
Do I have to wear this on the ferry?
Yes, you do.
43
00:01:36,769 --> 00:01:38,103
What about Peter?
44
00:01:38,137 --> 00:01:39,604
Why-why doesn't he
have to wear this crap?
45
00:01:39,639 --> 00:01:41,339
Peter's
in his crate.
46
00:01:41,374 --> 00:01:42,607
I'm actually relieved.
47
00:01:42,642 --> 00:01:44,776
The ferry would be
overstimulating.
48
00:01:50,249 --> 00:01:52,217
Mama!
49
00:01:52,251 --> 00:01:54,553
What are you doing
out of your box?
50
00:01:54,587 --> 00:01:56,221
Hey, Megan.
Oh, hey, guys.
51
00:01:56,255 --> 00:01:57,823
Wait, did you
just call me Megan?
52
00:01:57,857 --> 00:01:59,091
That's your name, isn't it?
53
00:01:59,125 --> 00:02:01,626
Actually, "Meg" is short
for something else.
54
00:02:01,661 --> 00:02:03,462
Peter, would you give this
to the nurse?
55
00:02:03,496 --> 00:02:04,830
Uh-huh.
56
00:02:08,468 --> 00:02:10,936
♪ Robots in disguise.
57
00:02:10,970 --> 00:02:12,938
Hey, did you guys hear
about that new kid?
58
00:02:12,972 --> 00:02:14,439
The emo Muslim?
59
00:02:16,476 --> 00:02:18,810
Death to America.
60
00:02:18,845 --> 00:02:21,012
No, this other guy,
Mike Pulaski.
61
00:02:21,047 --> 00:02:22,514
He's a complete psycho.
62
00:02:22,548 --> 00:02:24,583
I heard he knifed a kid
on the playground,
63
00:02:24,617 --> 00:02:26,051
then beat up the knife.
64
00:02:26,085 --> 00:02:29,187
I heard he can watch Friday
Night Lights without crying.
65
00:02:29,222 --> 00:02:30,522
I heard the volleyball team's
66
00:02:30,556 --> 00:02:32,257
playing a tournament
in San Diego.
67
00:02:32,291 --> 00:02:34,693
There's a lot
of exciting stuff going on.
68
00:02:45,772 --> 00:02:47,239
Man, he looks mean.
69
00:02:47,273 --> 00:02:48,774
You're very judgmental
lately.
70
00:02:48,808 --> 00:02:50,408
I don't like this Brandon.
71
00:02:50,410 --> 00:02:53,478
The best way to disarm a
bully is to befriend him.
72
00:02:53,513 --> 00:02:55,647
Watch and learn.
73
00:02:55,681 --> 00:02:57,649
Hey, what's up,
my main man?
74
00:02:57,683 --> 00:02:59,417
Listen, if you ever
need the scoop
75
00:02:59,452 --> 00:03:01,820
on the local babe scene,
just ask.
76
00:03:01,854 --> 00:03:03,455
Yeah, I'll do that.
77
00:03:11,397 --> 00:03:13,398
Awesome.
78
00:03:19,272 --> 00:03:22,073
♪ Doo doo doo doo doo,
taking a shower ♪
79
00:03:22,108 --> 00:03:25,076
♪ Taking a little break
to bite at the water... ♪
80
00:03:28,881 --> 00:03:30,115
Ah!
81
00:03:30,149 --> 00:03:31,650
Oh, hey, Brian.
Don't worry,
82
00:03:31,684 --> 00:03:33,652
there's no blade in the razor
'cause I'm learning.
83
00:03:33,686 --> 00:03:35,654
Peter, what the hell?!
What? What's the matter?
84
00:03:35,688 --> 00:03:37,722
What do you mean what's the
matter? You're completely naked!
85
00:03:37,757 --> 00:03:39,558
I told you I'm not
comfortable with that!
86
00:03:39,592 --> 00:03:41,760
Brian, I can get nude
whenever I want, all right?
87
00:03:41,794 --> 00:03:44,429
This is my home,
and a man's home is his castle.
88
00:03:44,463 --> 00:03:46,631
Halt, wench!
89
00:03:46,666 --> 00:03:47,899
State your business.
90
00:03:47,934 --> 00:03:49,968
Peter, will you please
put down the drawbridge?
91
00:03:50,002 --> 00:03:51,903
I got a car
full of groceries.
92
00:03:51,938 --> 00:03:53,972
Hmm. Anything else?
93
00:03:54,006 --> 00:03:55,807
I also went
to the video store
94
00:03:55,842 --> 00:03:58,710
and got Garfield:
A Tail of Two Kitties.
95
00:04:05,384 --> 00:04:07,352
Hey, you guys want
to sleep over this weekend?
96
00:04:07,386 --> 00:04:10,488
My moms are going out of town to
a scrapbooking-clambake retreat.
97
00:04:10,523 --> 00:04:12,023
What are they
gonna do there?
98
00:04:12,058 --> 00:04:15,093
They'll just be scissoring stuff
and eating clams all weekend.
99
00:04:15,127 --> 00:04:16,728
Sure, sounds grea...
100
00:04:41,320 --> 00:04:43,121
Oh...
101
00:04:43,155 --> 00:04:45,991
fudge.
102
00:04:46,025 --> 00:04:47,993
Only I didn't say "fudge."
103
00:04:48,027 --> 00:04:49,928
I said.
104
00:04:49,962 --> 00:04:51,997
Oh, my God!
I'm so sorry!
105
00:04:52,031 --> 00:04:53,665
What's your name, dude?
106
00:04:53,699 --> 00:04:55,166
Meg Griffin!
107
00:04:55,201 --> 00:04:57,035
3:00, Friday.
108
00:04:57,069 --> 00:05:00,105
I will destroy you.
109
00:05:01,440 --> 00:05:03,074
Chris, you have
my back, right?
110
00:05:03,109 --> 00:05:05,143
I don't know.
Let me check.
111
00:05:05,177 --> 00:05:05,875
Yeah.
112
00:05:05,900 --> 00:05:07,755
Okay, I'm gonna need it
for the fight.
113
00:05:16,276 --> 00:05:18,377
We now return
to the Kentucky Derby,
114
00:05:18,412 --> 00:05:19,846
where 90% of the audience
115
00:05:19,880 --> 00:05:21,914
roots for the horse
with the cutest name.
116
00:05:21,949 --> 00:05:23,449
And they're off!
117
00:05:23,484 --> 00:05:25,585
It's Battle Axe, followed by
Redbeard, followed by Bishop,
118
00:05:25,619 --> 00:05:27,086
followed by Smiling Pink Bear!
119
00:05:27,121 --> 00:05:28,521
Oh, my God, that's my horse!
120
00:05:28,555 --> 00:05:30,823
And on the outside,
here comes Tiny Kitten Kisses!
121
00:05:30,858 --> 00:05:31,824
No, no, that one!
122
00:05:31,859 --> 00:05:33,426
And here comes It's Bedtime!
123
00:05:33,460 --> 00:05:35,628
Oh, I do not like him.
124
00:05:38,766 --> 00:05:40,066
Meg, what's wrong?
125
00:05:40,100 --> 00:05:42,001
Some psycho just transferred
to my school,
126
00:05:42,035 --> 00:05:43,803
and he's going
to kill me!
127
00:05:46,206 --> 00:05:48,474
Boy, she must really
be PBS-ing, right?
128
00:05:48,509 --> 00:05:49,171
What?
129
00:05:49,196 --> 00:05:51,577
I mean, it's like, pop
a couple of tampons, you know?
130
00:05:51,578 --> 00:05:53,880
Stewie, do you even know
what a menstrual cycle is?
131
00:05:53,914 --> 00:05:55,348
Uh, yeah, Brian.
132
00:05:58,318 --> 00:06:01,320
It a good way to get around
town, that's what it is.
133
00:06:06,026 --> 00:06:07,660
Oh, good,
you're alone.
134
00:06:07,694 --> 00:06:09,729
Hey, Lois.
Why are you wearing a robe?
135
00:06:09,763 --> 00:06:12,632
Well, I heard about how Peter's
making you see him naked lately,
136
00:06:12,666 --> 00:06:17,069
so I thought the only way to get
even is for you to see me naked.
137
00:06:17,104 --> 00:06:18,805
Wh... Really?
Yeah.
138
00:06:18,839 --> 00:06:20,273
It only seems fair.
139
00:06:20,307 --> 00:06:22,608
You know what, that makes sense
to me. I mean...
140
00:06:22,643 --> 00:06:24,610
All right, here we go.
141
00:06:28,582 --> 00:06:30,349
You thought you were
gonna see my wife's penis,
142
00:06:30,384 --> 00:06:32,251
but, no, it's mine!
143
00:06:32,286 --> 00:06:34,754
You idiot!
144
00:06:39,126 --> 00:06:40,459
Good morning, students.
145
00:06:40,494 --> 00:06:42,962
This is Principal Shepherd
with the morning announcements.
146
00:06:42,996 --> 00:06:45,965
Remember that all wagers on
Friday's Meg Griffin slaughter
147
00:06:45,999 --> 00:06:48,367
must be on my desk by Thursday.
148
00:06:48,402 --> 00:06:51,237
Also, Zack Morris,
if you could stop freezing time
149
00:06:51,271 --> 00:06:54,106
to talk to the camera,
the day would go a lot faster.
150
00:06:54,141 --> 00:06:55,908
Oh, my God, you guys,
what am I gonna do?
151
00:06:55,943 --> 00:06:57,844
That psycho
is going to kill me.
152
00:06:57,878 --> 00:07:00,046
Meg, you've got to find a way
out of this fight.
153
00:07:00,080 --> 00:07:02,715
Yeah, Meg. You can do it.
You're a smart woman,
154
00:07:02,749 --> 00:07:04,717
and women can do
anything nowadays.
155
00:07:04,751 --> 00:07:05,918
I guess you're right.
156
00:07:05,953 --> 00:07:08,120
It's not
like it's the 1950s.
157
00:07:08,155 --> 00:07:10,089
So I see you graduated number one
158
00:07:10,123 --> 00:07:12,158
in your class from Princeton.
That's right.
159
00:07:12,192 --> 00:07:15,161
And I'm certified as an accountant and
also have a law degree.
160
00:07:15,195 --> 00:07:16,762
That's all very impressive.
161
00:07:16,797 --> 00:07:19,031
We'll keep you in mind.
162
00:07:19,066 --> 00:07:22,368
Let's see, Pointy Boobs,
Medium-Pointy Boobs,
163
00:07:22,402 --> 00:07:24,770
Not-So-Pointy Boobs.
164
00:07:24,805 --> 00:07:26,772
That's a shame.
165
00:07:30,177 --> 00:07:33,679
Hey, Mom, I need to transfer
to a different school.
166
00:07:33,714 --> 00:07:36,883
Meg, we've been over this.
Just because a Facebook page
167
00:07:36,917 --> 00:07:40,052
has over 2,000 likes doesn't
mean you have to kill yourself.
168
00:07:40,087 --> 00:07:42,221
I-It's not that.
Mom, please?
169
00:07:42,256 --> 00:07:43,489
There's other schools.
170
00:07:43,523 --> 00:07:46,092
Carlisle Academy leads the state
in teen pregnancies.
171
00:07:46,126 --> 00:07:48,261
So... I might
meet somebody.
172
00:07:48,295 --> 00:07:50,429
Meg, Carlisle Academy's
a private school.
173
00:07:50,464 --> 00:07:51,764
We can't afford it.
174
00:07:51,798 --> 00:07:53,900
Don't you remember how much
money your father wasted
175
00:07:53,934 --> 00:07:56,869
so he could make grand
staircase entrances?
176
00:07:58,639 --> 00:08:00,006
Hey, is Peter here?
177
00:08:00,040 --> 00:08:01,340
Hang on.
178
00:08:01,375 --> 00:08:02,441
Peter!
179
00:08:02,476 --> 00:08:04,176
Why, Glenn Quagmire.
180
00:08:04,211 --> 00:08:06,679
It's been 10 years
if it's been a day.
181
00:08:14,187 --> 00:08:16,088
I figured out how to get out
of this fight.
182
00:08:16,123 --> 00:08:18,257
All I have to do
is get expelled.
183
00:08:18,292 --> 00:08:20,793
That sex tape I released
should be everywhere by now,
184
00:08:20,827 --> 00:08:23,329
and then they'll have
to kick me out of the school.
185
00:08:26,700 --> 00:08:28,567
Come on! Really?
186
00:08:29,870 --> 00:08:31,203
Ooh.
187
00:08:33,707 --> 00:08:35,007
You know what?
188
00:08:35,042 --> 00:08:36,375
Good for her.
189
00:08:40,414 --> 00:08:42,548
Hey, guys, you four
are pretty much
190
00:08:42,582 --> 00:08:43,950
the toughest guys
in school, right?
191
00:08:43,984 --> 00:08:46,552
What would it take to get
you to beat up Mike Pulaski?
192
00:08:46,586 --> 00:08:48,621
Mental Mike?
Are you kidding?
193
00:08:48,655 --> 00:08:50,623
Come on, guys,
I'll do anything.
194
00:08:50,657 --> 00:08:52,558
I-I'll give you
a Swallow Friday.
195
00:08:52,592 --> 00:08:54,226
You mean
a Follow Friday?
196
00:08:54,261 --> 00:08:55,628
Oh...
197
00:08:55,662 --> 00:08:57,563
I've been doing
Twitter all wrong.
198
00:08:57,597 --> 00:08:59,732
Okay, okay.
I-I'll just pay you.
199
00:08:59,766 --> 00:09:01,734
Oh, yeah? Well,
you're looking at 1,000 bucks
200
00:09:01,768 --> 00:09:03,002
for something like that.
201
00:09:03,036 --> 00:09:05,004
$1,000? All right.
202
00:09:05,038 --> 00:09:07,406
But it's gonna be hard
to get that kind of money.
203
00:09:07,441 --> 00:09:09,675
I mean, I'm not Judge Judy.
204
00:09:09,710 --> 00:09:11,344
Hi, I'm Judge Judy.
205
00:09:11,378 --> 00:09:15,348
I get paid $45 million a year to
yell at people who have nothing.
206
00:09:15,382 --> 00:09:18,751
Now here's an ad about
a fat-people disease you have.
207
00:09:23,423 --> 00:09:26,592
We now return to B.E.T. E.T.
208
00:09:26,626 --> 00:09:28,728
Don't you need
to phone home?
209
00:09:28,762 --> 00:09:31,063
Nah, I do it later.
210
00:09:34,167 --> 00:09:35,267
Brian Griffin?
211
00:09:35,302 --> 00:09:36,435
Uh, yeah, that's me.
212
00:09:36,470 --> 00:09:37,470
Here you go.
213
00:09:39,973 --> 00:09:41,540
Aah! Oh, God!
214
00:09:41,575 --> 00:09:43,609
What's in the
box, Brian?
215
00:09:43,643 --> 00:09:45,945
I got you good!
216
00:09:45,979 --> 00:09:48,347
I don't feel right.
I want it back.
217
00:09:53,020 --> 00:09:54,420
What's going on?
218
00:09:54,454 --> 00:09:56,088
Did that kid from
the future come back?
219
00:10:02,129 --> 00:10:04,563
Oh, no!
220
00:10:07,000 --> 00:10:09,702
Meg, are you okay?
221
00:10:09,736 --> 00:10:12,638
You guys, I've tried
everything, but it's hopeless!
222
00:10:12,672 --> 00:10:14,106
He's going to kill me.
223
00:10:14,141 --> 00:10:16,909
I can already
picture my funeral.
224
00:10:20,447 --> 00:10:22,748
Thanks. Didn't want
to pay for the hole.
225
00:10:22,783 --> 00:10:24,483
This is such
a nightmare!
226
00:10:24,518 --> 00:10:26,285
At least I
have you guys.
227
00:10:26,319 --> 00:10:28,154
I don't know what I
would do without you.
228
00:10:28,188 --> 00:10:29,922
Yeah, uh, about that.
229
00:10:29,956 --> 00:10:32,158
Listen, Meg,
we decided that maybe it's best
230
00:10:32,192 --> 00:10:33,826
if you don't talk to us anymore.
231
00:10:33,860 --> 00:10:35,828
Yeah, we could be
targeted by association.
232
00:10:35,862 --> 00:10:37,897
I don't want to get
beaten up by a guy
233
00:10:37,931 --> 00:10:39,799
unless it's in a limo
after prom.
234
00:10:39,833 --> 00:10:43,102
So you're all gonna ditch me
when I need you most?
235
00:10:43,136 --> 00:10:44,703
Yeah, Meg,
it's natural selection.
236
00:10:44,738 --> 00:10:46,539
This is how it works
in the wild.
237
00:10:46,573 --> 00:10:48,374
Hey. Hey, how you doing?
Hey there.
238
00:10:48,408 --> 00:10:50,076
Hey. Nice spot, huh?
Oh, yeah.
239
00:10:50,110 --> 00:10:51,310
Oh, yeah, it's great.
240
00:10:51,344 --> 00:10:53,112
Especially 'cause of
that thing over there.
241
00:10:53,146 --> 00:10:55,114
You know what's in there? Corn.
242
00:10:55,148 --> 00:10:58,150
Really? Wow.
I could go for some corn.
243
00:11:01,621 --> 00:11:02,922
You're dark, Rog.
244
00:11:02,956 --> 00:11:04,290
I don't care.
245
00:11:04,324 --> 00:11:05,591
Good luck, Meg.
246
00:11:05,625 --> 00:11:08,060
Now we must retreat
into the shadows.
247
00:11:11,631 --> 00:11:14,266
What am I gonna do?
248
00:11:14,301 --> 00:11:16,869
Sounds like you have
a pretty big problem, Meg.
249
00:11:16,903 --> 00:11:18,104
Huh?
250
00:11:19,473 --> 00:11:21,507
Mr. Quagmire?
251
00:11:21,541 --> 00:11:22,942
What are you doing in here?
252
00:11:22,976 --> 00:11:24,610
This is my base
of operations.
253
00:11:24,644 --> 00:11:25,644
Mr. Quagmire,
254
00:11:25,679 --> 00:11:26,912
the girls' gym class
255
00:11:26,947 --> 00:11:28,581
will be in the showers
in 20 minutes.
256
00:11:28,615 --> 00:11:29,748
Thank you, Shirley.
257
00:11:29,783 --> 00:11:31,283
She's been with
me 12 years.
258
00:11:31,318 --> 00:11:32,451
It's her birthday today.
259
00:11:32,486 --> 00:11:34,019
Didn't get her anything.
260
00:11:34,054 --> 00:11:36,255
So, I guess you heard
about the fight, huh?
261
00:11:36,289 --> 00:11:38,891
Oh, yeah, they're talking about
it in all the girls' bathrooms.
262
00:11:38,925 --> 00:11:40,059
I'm so dead.
263
00:11:40,093 --> 00:11:41,360
No, you're not,
264
00:11:41,394 --> 00:11:43,462
because I'm gonna help you
defeat Mike Pulaski.
265
00:11:43,497 --> 00:11:44,463
You are?
266
00:11:44,498 --> 00:11:45,631
That's right.
267
00:11:45,665 --> 00:11:46,799
Be at my house first
thing tomorrow morning,
268
00:11:46,833 --> 00:11:47,967
and we'll get started.
269
00:11:48,001 --> 00:11:49,902
Wow, thanks, Mr. Quagmire.
270
00:11:49,936 --> 00:11:52,271
Well, I better get home.
271
00:11:55,775 --> 00:11:58,077
What a good way
to get around town.
272
00:12:02,617 --> 00:12:05,485
Okay, Meg, you've got a bully
problem, and I'm gonna help you.
273
00:12:05,520 --> 00:12:07,854
But Mr. Quagmire,
why would you want to help me?
274
00:12:07,889 --> 00:12:09,823
Because I was once
in your shoes, Meg.
275
00:12:09,857 --> 00:12:12,592
I wasn't always the confident
guy you see before you.
276
00:12:12,627 --> 00:12:15,595
You see, I, too,
was terrorized by a bully.
277
00:12:15,630 --> 00:12:19,700
It was 1986, and the cola wars
were at a frenzy.
278
00:12:19,734 --> 00:12:22,803
I was sitting in the RC section
of the cafeteria
279
00:12:22,837 --> 00:12:24,504
when Tracy Bellings approached.
280
00:12:24,539 --> 00:12:27,140
Why aren't you drinking
Coke, you dork?
281
00:12:27,175 --> 00:12:28,909
Pepsi would also
be acceptable!
282
00:12:28,943 --> 00:12:31,078
It doesn't have
to be a two-cola system!
283
00:12:31,112 --> 00:12:33,847
RC is what keeps the big guys
on their toes!
284
00:12:33,881 --> 00:12:35,916
You know what "RC"
stands for, don't you?
285
00:12:35,950 --> 00:12:37,217
"Chicks Rule!"
286
00:12:37,251 --> 00:12:38,618
She was dyslexic.
287
00:12:38,653 --> 00:12:39,920
Anyway, that was the beginning
288
00:12:39,954 --> 00:12:41,922
of a long,
abusive relationship.
289
00:12:41,956 --> 00:12:44,291
It's one thing if you put
your penis inside-out
290
00:12:44,325 --> 00:12:45,926
in the safety
of your own bedroom,
291
00:12:45,960 --> 00:12:48,095
but to have it done
in the cafeteria...
292
00:12:48,129 --> 00:12:50,497
To this day,
I can't have sex with a woman
293
00:12:50,531 --> 00:12:53,233
against her will
without thinking about rape.
294
00:12:53,267 --> 00:12:55,102
And that's
why I'm gonna help you, Meg.
295
00:12:55,136 --> 00:12:56,470
I never faced my bully.
296
00:12:56,504 --> 00:12:58,338
I don't want you
to make the same mistake.
297
00:12:58,373 --> 00:12:59,406
But how?
298
00:12:59,440 --> 00:13:00,640
Over the years,
299
00:13:00,675 --> 00:13:02,542
I've tested the limits
of the human body.
300
00:13:02,577 --> 00:13:05,212
How much it can stuff in,
swallow or choke on.
301
00:13:05,246 --> 00:13:06,713
How a scrotum can be stretched
302
00:13:06,748 --> 00:13:09,149
into a makeshift sail
if stranded at sea.
303
00:13:09,183 --> 00:13:11,585
All this knowledge is gonna
help you win your fight.
304
00:13:11,619 --> 00:13:13,019
Oh, thanks, Mr. Quagmire.
305
00:13:13,054 --> 00:13:14,955
I'll take any help I can get.
306
00:13:14,989 --> 00:13:16,256
I haven't been this scared
307
00:13:16,290 --> 00:13:18,425
since my dad stopped showering
for six months.
308
00:13:18,459 --> 00:13:19,960
Great meatloaf, Mom.
309
00:13:19,994 --> 00:13:21,428
Thanks, honey.
310
00:13:21,462 --> 00:13:22,763
Hungry!
311
00:13:22,797 --> 00:13:24,131
Hungry!
312
00:13:24,165 --> 00:13:25,966
Pour food on my pile!
313
00:13:26,000 --> 00:13:28,068
Okay, Peter, here you go.
314
00:13:28,102 --> 00:13:30,370
Mmm. I will assimilate
this new smell
315
00:13:30,405 --> 00:13:33,540
into the larger Borg
of my smells.
316
00:13:38,346 --> 00:13:39,913
Oh, by the way,
Rupert, good news.
317
00:13:39,947 --> 00:13:41,581
I pooped out your bow tie.
318
00:13:41,616 --> 00:13:42,816
Gaah!
319
00:13:42,850 --> 00:13:44,084
Geez, what the hell, Brian?!
320
00:13:44,118 --> 00:13:45,252
I can't take it anymore!
321
00:13:46,454 --> 00:13:47,687
Message for Brian Griffin!
322
00:13:52,393 --> 00:13:54,628
I lost my ass gambling.
Have you seen it?
323
00:13:54,662 --> 00:13:55,996
Leave me alone, you jerk!
324
00:13:56,030 --> 00:13:57,330
Stewie, you got to help me.
325
00:13:57,365 --> 00:13:59,032
Peter just won't let up
with the nudity.
326
00:13:59,066 --> 00:14:00,734
Well, you know how
the fat man operates.
327
00:14:00,768 --> 00:14:02,469
He won't stop
unless he's stopped.
328
00:14:02,503 --> 00:14:04,070
The only way
you're going to end this is
329
00:14:04,105 --> 00:14:05,939
if you find a way
to even the score.
330
00:14:05,973 --> 00:14:07,441
You've got to be nude.
331
00:14:07,475 --> 00:14:08,542
Stewie, I am nude.
332
00:14:08,576 --> 00:14:09,709
I'm just covered with fur.
333
00:14:09,744 --> 00:14:10,877
Well, shave it off.
334
00:14:10,912 --> 00:14:12,078
Give him a taste
of his own medicine.
335
00:14:12,113 --> 00:14:13,380
Maybe you're right.
336
00:14:13,414 --> 00:14:14,881
I mean, I got to do something.
337
00:14:14,916 --> 00:14:16,917
This is just one of those things
he won't let up with.
338
00:14:16,951 --> 00:14:19,786
Like when he was guest hosting
Inside the Actor's Studio.
339
00:14:19,821 --> 00:14:22,622
Jeff Daniels, what
is your favorite Care Bear?
340
00:14:22,657 --> 00:14:26,226
I, uh, uh... I don't know
any of the Care Bears.
341
00:14:26,260 --> 00:14:29,529
Right, but if you had to pick
one, who would be your favorite?
342
00:14:29,564 --> 00:14:31,398
Well, like I said,
I'm not really familiar..
343
00:14:31,432 --> 00:14:34,000
You can just say the color.
I know all the Care Bears.
344
00:14:34,035 --> 00:14:35,669
I... I don't know.
The blue one.
345
00:14:35,703 --> 00:14:36,937
There's, like,
11 blue ones, Jeff.
346
00:14:36,971 --> 00:14:38,271
Are you here to dick around,
347
00:14:38,306 --> 00:14:40,173
or you want to do
Inside the Actor's Studio?
348
00:14:43,211 --> 00:14:45,679
All right, Meg, the best way
for you to focus your rage is
349
00:14:45,713 --> 00:14:47,314
if I wear the
mask of the person
350
00:14:47,348 --> 00:14:49,082
who's bullied you
every day of your life.
351
00:14:49,116 --> 00:14:50,817
Now, when I give the word,
352
00:14:50,852 --> 00:14:52,853
I want you to come at me
with everything you got.
353
00:14:52,887 --> 00:14:54,588
Oh, hey, Meg.
Hey, Peter.
354
00:14:54,622 --> 00:14:57,290
You know, Peter,
I'm glad I ran into you.
355
00:14:57,325 --> 00:14:59,426
We really need
to talk about Quagmire.
356
00:14:59,460 --> 00:15:01,061
You got time for a beer?
357
00:15:02,830 --> 00:15:04,898
I don't know.
He's just so needy.
358
00:15:04,932 --> 00:15:07,234
And I feel like he's
jealous of our friendship.
359
00:15:07,268 --> 00:15:08,835
You all right, Peter?
360
00:15:08,870 --> 00:15:10,637
You seem a little
quiet today.
361
00:15:10,671 --> 00:15:12,239
I'm fine!
Oh, okay, good.
362
00:15:12,273 --> 00:15:13,540
Hey, Peter.
Hey, Joe.
363
00:15:13,574 --> 00:15:15,041
I'm glad
you guys are here.
364
00:15:15,076 --> 00:15:17,076
I've got terrible,
gross medical news for Quagmire.
365
00:15:17,078 --> 00:15:19,246
Maybe you can help me
break it to him.
366
00:15:21,482 --> 00:15:22,716
Mr. Quagmire,
how am I supposed
367
00:15:22,750 --> 00:15:24,317
to beat a guy
like Mike Pulaski?
368
00:15:24,352 --> 00:15:25,585
He's massive!
369
00:15:25,620 --> 00:15:27,420
He may be stronger
than you, but you're grosser.
370
00:15:27,455 --> 00:15:28,655
And you're gonna use that.
371
00:15:28,689 --> 00:15:30,590
Your weird body can be
a dangerous weapon
372
00:15:30,625 --> 00:15:32,192
if used properly.
Okay.
373
00:15:32,226 --> 00:15:34,387
Now, did you ever play
old-school Nintendo?
374
00:15:34,412 --> 00:15:34,828
No.
375
00:15:34,829 --> 00:15:37,163
Well, then what we're about
to do may seem strange,
376
00:15:37,198 --> 00:15:38,398
but just go with it.
377
00:15:47,875 --> 00:15:50,210
Now, Meg, in order
to get you into fighting shape,
378
00:15:50,244 --> 00:15:52,445
I want you to drink
this glass of raw eggs.
379
00:15:52,480 --> 00:15:53,813
I don't see any yolks.
380
00:15:53,848 --> 00:15:55,315
Just drink it.
381
00:16:00,054 --> 00:16:01,421
Hello?
382
00:16:01,455 --> 00:16:02,689
Cynthia!
383
00:16:02,723 --> 00:16:04,691
Oh, my God! So good
to hear from you!
384
00:16:04,725 --> 00:16:06,927
Sure, I can talk.
385
00:16:06,961 --> 00:16:09,062
I'm just sitting
out here in the open.
386
00:16:12,967 --> 00:16:14,701
My car? It's a Prius.
387
00:16:14,735 --> 00:16:17,370
I wouldn't say I'm specifically
a hero for driving one.
388
00:16:17,405 --> 00:16:19,940
The heroes are the ones
who come back from Iraq
389
00:16:19,974 --> 00:16:21,207
and drive a Prius.
390
00:16:21,242 --> 00:16:22,108
Gotcha!
391
00:16:23,511 --> 00:16:25,245
Wha... what the hell?!
392
00:16:25,279 --> 00:16:26,546
Hey!
393
00:16:26,581 --> 00:16:27,814
You looking for me?
394
00:16:29,350 --> 00:16:31,985
Oh, God,
what the hell is that?!
395
00:16:32,019 --> 00:16:33,386
What's wrong?
You look uncomfortable.
396
00:16:33,421 --> 00:16:35,121
Here, let me give you a hug.
397
00:16:35,156 --> 00:16:37,223
Aah! Get away from me,
you gremlin!
398
00:16:40,995 --> 00:16:42,862
Aah! No!
399
00:16:42,897 --> 00:16:44,898
Why don't you rub
my belly, pal?!
400
00:16:49,637 --> 00:16:52,138
Your skin is so loose
and wrinkly!
401
00:16:52,173 --> 00:16:54,074
It's like I'm just
pushing around
402
00:16:54,108 --> 00:16:56,409
a plastic bag full
of chicken bones!
403
00:16:56,444 --> 00:16:59,613
Ugh! Why do you have
so many nipples?
404
00:16:59,647 --> 00:17:02,649
You gonna put your clothes on?!
Yes! Yes! I swear!
405
00:17:02,683 --> 00:17:04,484
You gonna keep 'em on?!
Yes, I promise!
406
00:17:04,518 --> 00:17:06,786
I'll never bother you
again with my body!
407
00:17:06,821 --> 00:17:09,122
Please, just make this stop!
408
00:17:09,156 --> 00:17:10,290
Good.
409
00:17:10,324 --> 00:17:12,258
Dad, can you give me
a ride to the... ?
410
00:17:13,461 --> 00:17:14,728
What is that thing?!
411
00:17:14,762 --> 00:17:16,262
Aah! Make it go away!
412
00:17:16,297 --> 00:17:18,231
What's going on in here?
(Peter whimpers, Chris cries
413
00:17:18,265 --> 00:17:19,966
Oh, my God,
is that a rat?!
414
00:17:20,001 --> 00:17:22,502
Peter, hold it down,
I'm getting the gun!
415
00:17:31,879 --> 00:17:33,480
Hey, who you taking
to Meg's funeral?
416
00:17:33,514 --> 00:17:34,748
I'm taking
Jill.
417
00:17:34,782 --> 00:17:36,383
Ooh!
418
00:17:36,417 --> 00:17:38,785
Wise guy, we're going
as friends.
419
00:17:48,029 --> 00:17:50,096
All right, Meg, remember
what I taught you.
420
00:17:50,131 --> 00:17:52,065
Relax my throat
and make eye contact?
421
00:17:52,099 --> 00:17:53,333
No, no,
the fighting stuff.
422
00:17:57,071 --> 00:18:00,240
Um, listen, before we start,
could you not hit me here
423
00:18:00,274 --> 00:18:02,409
because these are pretty
sensitive?
424
00:18:09,684 --> 00:18:10,850
He punched her pretty!
425
00:18:12,219 --> 00:18:14,154
Oh, he punched her ugly again.
426
00:18:14,188 --> 00:18:15,321
Ah!
427
00:18:15,356 --> 00:18:16,489
Aw!
428
00:18:16,524 --> 00:18:17,657
Ah!
429
00:18:17,692 --> 00:18:18,858
Aw!
430
00:18:18,893 --> 00:18:20,026
Ah!
431
00:18:20,061 --> 00:18:21,394
Just stop there!
432
00:18:21,429 --> 00:18:22,829
Aw!
433
00:18:22,863 --> 00:18:24,330
Punch Rocky Dennis!
434
00:18:24,365 --> 00:18:25,765
It's okay, guys.
435
00:18:25,800 --> 00:18:27,600
I'm at peace
with what I'm all about.
436
00:18:38,145 --> 00:18:40,613
Meg, remember
what I taught you.
437
00:18:40,648 --> 00:18:42,282
Use the gross.
438
00:18:46,921 --> 00:18:48,154
You ready for more?
439
00:18:48,189 --> 00:18:50,557
Are you?!
440
00:18:52,326 --> 00:18:53,560
Ugh!
441
00:18:53,594 --> 00:18:55,729
Your kiss is definitely
not on my list!
442
00:18:55,763 --> 00:18:56,796
He's older.
443
00:18:58,265 --> 00:19:00,200
You missed!
444
00:19:00,234 --> 00:19:01,434
Oh, what's the matter, Mike?
445
00:19:01,469 --> 00:19:03,303
Can't punch a girl
in the face?
446
00:19:03,337 --> 00:19:06,439
You'd be surprised
what my face can do to you!
447
00:19:12,146 --> 00:19:14,214
Ugh! What's your
problem, dude?!
448
00:19:14,248 --> 00:19:15,882
You've got major issues!
449
00:19:15,916 --> 00:19:17,417
Oh, my God, she's crazy!
450
00:19:17,451 --> 00:19:20,320
Did you hear the volleyball
team lost in San Diego?
451
00:19:20,354 --> 00:19:24,257
All right, you little bitch,
it's time to end this thing!
452
00:19:24,291 --> 00:19:26,292
Yeah, it is!
453
00:19:38,139 --> 00:19:40,874
Oh, my gosh!
Meg won!
454
00:19:46,447 --> 00:19:48,681
Huh, not bad for a loser.
455
00:19:48,716 --> 00:19:50,550
Thanks for your help,
Mr. Quagmire.
456
00:19:50,584 --> 00:19:52,652
I guess I get
to die another day.
457
00:19:52,686 --> 00:19:54,120
Meg, I got a feeling
458
00:19:54,155 --> 00:19:56,422
you're gonna be around
for a real long time.
459
00:19:56,457 --> 00:19:58,992
Come on, let's
get out of here.
460
00:19:59,026 --> 00:20:01,661
But I wasn't around
for a long time.
461
00:20:01,695 --> 00:20:04,264
A year later, my body reacted
to a frozen hot dog,
462
00:20:04,298 --> 00:20:05,832
and I died of septic shock.
463
00:20:05,866 --> 00:20:09,169
I became the public face
of internal hot dog defrosting.
464
00:20:17,878 --> 00:20:19,012
Cold.
465
00:20:19,046 --> 00:20:20,180
Well, it worked.
466
00:20:20,214 --> 00:20:21,481
Thanks for your help, Stewie.
467
00:20:21,515 --> 00:20:23,650
If I knew you were
actually gonna do it,
468
00:20:23,684 --> 00:20:25,084
I wouldn't have
suggested it.
469
00:20:25,119 --> 00:20:28,288
You look like my foot that time
Lois made my bath too hot.
470
00:20:28,322 --> 00:20:29,656
Come on! It's not that bad.
471
00:20:29,690 --> 00:20:31,558
My fur will grow back
in about three months.
472
00:20:31,592 --> 00:20:33,193
Well, I can't look at
this for three months,
473
00:20:33,227 --> 00:20:34,494
so I've come up
with a solution.
474
00:20:34,528 --> 00:20:36,529
Put these on.
475
00:20:40,234 --> 00:20:41,367
Stewie, I...
Hold still.
476
00:20:45,406 --> 00:20:46,673
There you go.
477
00:20:46,707 --> 00:20:49,624
You look good.
You look really good.
478
00:20:49,761 --> 00:20:53,238
Hi, Stewie, and...
Stewie?!
479
00:20:53,239 --> 00:20:55,079
This is next week's story.
Get there.
480
00:20:55,080 --> 00:21:00,241
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man