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♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
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00:00:04,166 --> 00:00:07,435
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
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00:00:07,469 --> 00:00:11,005
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
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00:00:11,039 --> 00:00:14,008
♪ On which we used to rely?
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♪ Lucky there's a family guy
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♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us
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♪ Laugh and cry
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♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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♪ Family Guy 12x08 ♪
Christmas Guy
Original Air Date on December 15, 2013
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00:00:29,303 --> 00:00:34,303
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
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We now return to
Home Alone with Competent Robbers.
13
00:00:43,205 --> 00:00:45,106
Hey, be careful. There's
cars on the floor here.
14
00:00:45,140 --> 00:00:46,907
Thanks.
That's weird, huh?
15
00:00:46,942 --> 00:00:48,476
Yeah. The doorknob
was really hot,
16
00:00:48,510 --> 00:00:50,911
but I just let go instead
of holding onto it.
17
00:00:50,946 --> 00:00:53,180
And there's some ice
on the stairs to the basement,
18
00:00:53,215 --> 00:00:55,716
so I guess just
don't go down there.
19
00:00:55,751 --> 00:00:57,985
Just so you guys know,
I have a tarantula.
20
00:01:00,389 --> 00:01:02,323
Well, now there
are no witnesses.
21
00:01:02,357 --> 00:01:04,825
Come on, everybody,
let's go to the mall.
22
00:01:04,860 --> 00:01:06,894
It's time for the
Christmas Carnival.
23
00:01:06,928 --> 00:01:09,163
It's Stewie's
first Christmas.
24
00:01:09,197 --> 00:01:10,364
Again?
25
00:01:10,399 --> 00:01:13,401
I love the
Christmas Carnival!
26
00:01:13,435 --> 00:01:14,568
Chris, calm down.
27
00:01:14,603 --> 00:01:16,237
You're giving
yourself a nosebleed.
28
00:01:16,271 --> 00:01:18,105
You know, the best thing
about the Quahog Mall
29
00:01:18,140 --> 00:01:20,708
is going into Tiffany's
and doing everything possible
30
00:01:20,742 --> 00:01:23,010
to make 'em think I might
actually buy something.
31
00:01:23,044 --> 00:01:25,379
Oh, this is lovely.
Just lovely.
32
00:01:25,414 --> 00:01:26,547
How much is this?
33
00:01:26,581 --> 00:01:27,982
$1,200.
34
00:01:28,016 --> 00:01:29,283
Great, great.
35
00:01:29,317 --> 00:01:31,585
That's all? A-And how late
are you open this evening?
36
00:01:31,620 --> 00:01:32,586
Until 7:00.
37
00:01:32,621 --> 00:01:33,654
Perfect, perfect.
38
00:01:33,688 --> 00:01:35,517
And you accept
credit cards and cash?
39
00:01:35,518 --> 00:01:36,266
Yes.
40
00:01:36,267 --> 00:01:37,092
And what's your name?
41
00:01:37,097 --> 00:01:39,331
I want to make sure you
get credit for this sale.
42
00:01:39,361 --> 00:01:41,495
Evan.
Oh, that's a great name.
43
00:01:41,530 --> 00:01:42,930
Oh, and these watches here,
44
00:01:42,964 --> 00:01:45,399
if I wanted to get 11 of them
for different groomsmen,
45
00:01:45,434 --> 00:01:47,416
could they each get
engraved individually?
46
00:01:47,441 --> 00:01:48,169
Yes.
47
00:01:48,170 --> 00:01:49,870
And you do that on site?
Yes.
48
00:01:49,905 --> 00:01:53,908
Fantastic. Now, the groomsmen's
names are Blake, Hayden, Edgar,
49
00:01:53,942 --> 00:01:57,278
Blake D., Elliott,
Milo, Cooper...
50
00:01:57,312 --> 00:01:58,946
Why aren't you writing
any of these down?
51
00:01:58,980 --> 00:02:01,549
You're wearing Sbarro
wrappers for shoes, sir.
52
00:02:03,151 --> 00:02:05,219
There may have been
a trade.
53
00:02:12,861 --> 00:02:14,929
Hey, nice outfit.
54
00:02:14,963 --> 00:02:17,198
Fancy pair of shoes, too.
55
00:02:17,232 --> 00:02:20,034
Do you, do you only use
adjectives sarcastically?
56
00:02:20,068 --> 00:02:23,170
Great question,
smart guy.
57
00:02:23,205 --> 00:02:25,039
What the hell?
Where's all the decorations?
58
00:02:25,073 --> 00:02:26,373
And the big Christmas tree?
59
00:02:26,408 --> 00:02:27,408
Oh, look, there's Santa.
60
00:02:27,442 --> 00:02:28,576
Peter, no.
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00:02:28,610 --> 00:02:30,077
That's a Hells Angel.
62
00:02:30,111 --> 00:02:31,078
What do you want?
63
00:02:31,112 --> 00:02:31,979
Meth?
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00:02:32,013 --> 00:02:33,013
Okay.
65
00:02:33,048 --> 00:02:35,182
There's no
Christmas Carnival, Dad.
66
00:02:35,217 --> 00:02:36,684
You seem to know
a lot about this, Meg.
67
00:02:36,718 --> 00:02:37,651
What did you do?
68
00:02:37,686 --> 00:02:39,487
No Christmas Carnival?
69
00:02:39,521 --> 00:02:40,921
Whoever is responsible
for this
70
00:02:40,956 --> 00:02:42,556
shall suffer
my eternal wrath.
71
00:02:42,591 --> 00:02:44,258
Who's this guy?
72
00:02:44,292 --> 00:02:45,759
Tough don't sell
in curly-toed shoes.
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00:02:45,794 --> 00:02:47,294
Leave me alone.
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00:02:47,329 --> 00:02:50,164
Why don't you go bother
the cologne salesman at Macy's?
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00:02:50,198 --> 00:02:51,866
I want something I
can wear on the street
76
00:02:51,900 --> 00:02:54,602
that a broad can smell
on a fire escape.
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00:02:54,636 --> 00:02:56,904
There's gotta be
an explanation for this.
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00:02:56,938 --> 00:02:58,205
Let's ask that security guard
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00:02:58,240 --> 00:03:00,207
who has everything on
his belt except a gun.
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00:03:00,242 --> 00:03:02,142
E-Excuse me, sir?
81
00:03:02,177 --> 00:03:03,244
It's "officer."
82
00:03:03,278 --> 00:03:05,513
No, it's not.
It's barely "sir."
83
00:03:05,547 --> 00:03:06,680
Yeah, I know.
84
00:03:06,715 --> 00:03:08,716
Where is
the Christmas Carnival?
85
00:03:08,750 --> 00:03:10,384
Canceled.
I don't know why.
86
00:03:10,418 --> 00:03:12,686
I'm just a small cog
in this operation.
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00:03:12,721 --> 00:03:13,988
You hear that, Dad?
88
00:03:14,022 --> 00:03:16,624
You're not the only one
around here with a small cog.
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00:03:16,658 --> 00:03:19,460
I told you that
in confidence, Chris.
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00:03:19,494 --> 00:03:21,428
Daddy, where's Santa?
91
00:03:21,463 --> 00:03:23,330
Was he killed by Muslims?
92
00:03:23,365 --> 00:03:25,266
Oh, my God,
poor Stewie.
93
00:03:25,300 --> 00:03:27,101
He's so
disappointed.
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00:03:27,135 --> 00:03:29,270
Of course he is, Lois.
I feel the same way.
95
00:03:29,304 --> 00:03:31,071
How come every time
I'm feelin' happy,
96
00:03:31,106 --> 00:03:32,940
somebody's gotta
come along and ruin it?
97
00:03:34,175 --> 00:03:35,676
Are you enjoying
your coffee, sir?
98
00:03:35,710 --> 00:03:37,611
Yeah, it's very
smooth. Good flavor.
99
00:03:37,646 --> 00:03:40,814
What if we told you that
we secretly replaced your coffee
100
00:03:40,849 --> 00:03:42,116
with Folgers Crystals?
101
00:03:42,150 --> 00:03:43,651
Wouldn't you
feel like a dumbass?
102
00:03:43,685 --> 00:03:45,719
'Cause of how you just
raved about it just now?
103
00:03:45,754 --> 00:03:47,788
You stupid
son of a bitch.
104
00:03:54,930 --> 00:03:56,430
Boy, Stewie was
really upset
105
00:03:56,464 --> 00:03:58,732
about the Christmas
Carnival being canceled.
106
00:03:58,767 --> 00:04:00,067
He's been acting
out all week.
107
00:04:00,101 --> 00:04:02,269
Ah, I'm sure he'll
be over it in no time.
108
00:04:02,304 --> 00:04:04,738
Besides, how much trouble
can he cause? He's a baby.
109
00:04:15,116 --> 00:04:18,986
We now return to
Miracle on 134th Street.
110
00:04:19,020 --> 00:04:21,822
Oh, my God, I left
my phone in my car.
111
00:04:21,856 --> 00:04:24,425
Wow, it's still there.
112
00:04:29,698 --> 00:04:33,100
Hey, I've been askin' around
about this carnival thing.
113
00:04:33,134 --> 00:04:35,135
Turns out I know a guy
who knows a guy
114
00:04:35,170 --> 00:04:37,104
who knows another guy
who knows a girl,
115
00:04:37,138 --> 00:04:39,573
which is weird because they
don't usually know nothin',
116
00:04:39,608 --> 00:04:42,076
who says the carnival was
canceled by the mall's owner,
117
00:04:42,110 --> 00:04:43,711
some guy named
Carter Pewterschmidt.
118
00:04:43,745 --> 00:04:45,112
Oh, my God.
119
00:04:45,146 --> 00:04:48,048
So I got another guy workin'
on findin' out who that is.
120
00:04:48,083 --> 00:04:49,283
It's my father.
121
00:04:49,317 --> 00:04:52,252
Oh! This is a twist
I did not expect.
122
00:04:52,287 --> 00:04:55,489
Oh! Excuse me, I'm just gonna
have to "Oh" this out
123
00:04:55,523 --> 00:04:57,491
until I'm not
surprised anymore.
124
00:04:57,525 --> 00:05:00,027
Oh! Oh! Oh.
125
00:05:00,061 --> 00:05:03,297
Oh... Oh. Oh.
126
00:05:03,331 --> 00:05:05,099
Lois, before I get mad
at your dad,
127
00:05:05,133 --> 00:05:06,900
h-he isn't the Little
Caesars guy, is he?
128
00:05:06,935 --> 00:05:08,296
No, Peter,
we've been through this.
129
00:05:08,303 --> 00:05:10,270
Good. I could never
be mad at that guy.
130
00:05:10,305 --> 00:05:12,239
He says my favorite word
twice in a row.
131
00:05:12,273 --> 00:05:13,941
Now, I'm gonna go
talk to your father
132
00:05:13,975 --> 00:05:15,909
and get him to bring back
the Christmas Carnival.
133
00:05:15,944 --> 00:05:17,478
Peter, I don't think
that's gonna work.
134
00:05:17,512 --> 00:05:18,946
Sure, it will.
135
00:05:18,980 --> 00:05:21,215
The nerve of your dad, takin'
the fun out of Christmas,
136
00:05:21,249 --> 00:05:23,384
like some kind of
gluten-free Santa.
137
00:05:24,352 --> 00:05:25,853
Hey. Hey,
what's in these?
138
00:05:25,887 --> 00:05:27,021
Huh?
139
00:05:27,055 --> 00:05:29,189
I'm okay if it's,
like, coconut flour.
140
00:05:29,224 --> 00:05:31,792
But anything with actual
grains, I can't do.
141
00:05:31,826 --> 00:05:33,060
I'm not sure.
142
00:05:33,094 --> 00:05:35,429
Well, who is sure?
143
00:05:46,074 --> 00:05:47,574
Mr. Pewterschmidt,
there's a man here
144
00:05:47,609 --> 00:05:50,244
who says he's the guy whose
picture is on all the money.
145
00:05:50,278 --> 00:05:51,779
Holy cow. Send him in.
146
00:05:53,014 --> 00:05:54,548
Griffin.
147
00:05:54,582 --> 00:05:57,151
That's right, and this is my
own People magazine from home
148
00:05:57,185 --> 00:05:58,819
and not from your
waiting room just now,
149
00:05:58,853 --> 00:06:00,721
and why did you cancel
the Christmas Carnival?
150
00:06:00,755 --> 00:06:02,189
Because I hate Christmas.
151
00:06:02,223 --> 00:06:04,525
You know what it's like being
rich at Christmas, Griffin?
152
00:06:04,559 --> 00:06:07,995
Everyone expects an expensive
present, and I get nothing.
153
00:06:08,029 --> 00:06:10,798
Did you... did you just have
your hand in my fish tank?
154
00:06:10,832 --> 00:06:12,066
No.
155
00:06:12,100 --> 00:06:13,260
Sheesh, Carter,
you know what?
156
00:06:13,268 --> 00:06:15,402
I am gonna help you find
the Christmas spirit
157
00:06:15,437 --> 00:06:16,770
so you bring back
the carnival.
158
00:06:16,805 --> 00:06:17,938
Look, are we done here?
159
00:06:17,972 --> 00:06:19,473
Um, yeah, uh, just
one more thing.
160
00:06:19,507 --> 00:06:22,276
Can I choose one thing in your office
to take home with me?
161
00:06:22,310 --> 00:06:23,544
No.
162
00:06:23,578 --> 00:06:27,214
Aw, too bad. 'Cause I
was gonna choose you.
163
00:06:27,248 --> 00:06:29,650
You're weird.
You're a weird guy.
164
00:06:34,598 --> 00:06:36,899
No. No-no, no.
165
00:06:36,933 --> 00:06:38,100
I want to zip it.
166
00:06:41,738 --> 00:06:44,240
It's okay, Peter,
you're good at other stuff.
167
00:06:44,274 --> 00:06:45,775
So you're gonna
help your old man
168
00:06:45,809 --> 00:06:47,643
find his Christmas
spirit again, huh?
169
00:06:47,678 --> 00:06:49,445
Oh, yeah, that
sounds real bad,
170
00:06:49,479 --> 00:06:51,380
her father don't
like Christmas.
171
00:06:51,415 --> 00:06:53,549
My father was drowned
to death in a birdbath
172
00:06:53,583 --> 00:06:55,284
by an officer
of the law.
173
00:06:55,319 --> 00:06:56,419
His will just said,
174
00:06:56,453 --> 00:06:58,788
"Kick Jimmy in the sack
for me. Go, Eagles."
175
00:06:58,822 --> 00:07:00,222
My sympathies, Vinny.
176
00:07:00,257 --> 00:07:02,458
Don't worry about it,
he was a scumbag.
177
00:07:02,492 --> 00:07:04,093
Are you sure
about this, Peter?
178
00:07:04,127 --> 00:07:06,162
I mean, I know
Stewie was disappointed
179
00:07:06,196 --> 00:07:08,064
about the carnival,
but he'll get over it.
180
00:07:08,098 --> 00:07:09,765
He's a happy,
resilient baby.
181
00:07:09,800 --> 00:07:11,033
I don't know, Lois.
182
00:07:11,068 --> 00:07:12,668
I feel like if we
don't do something,
183
00:07:12,703 --> 00:07:14,024
Stewie's first
words are gonna be,
184
00:07:14,037 --> 00:07:15,371
"Why did you
kill Christmas?"
185
00:07:15,405 --> 00:07:16,939
And I want the
carnival back, too.
186
00:07:16,973 --> 00:07:19,408
You know, I know I'm usually
all business, but deep down,
187
00:07:19,443 --> 00:07:21,610
you know what the thing
is that keeps me going
188
00:07:21,645 --> 00:07:22,645
more than
anything else?
189
00:07:22,679 --> 00:07:23,946
Wonder.
190
00:07:23,980 --> 00:07:25,915
A sense of wonder.
191
00:07:25,949 --> 00:07:28,184
Well, you have your work
cut out for you, Peter.
192
00:07:28,218 --> 00:07:31,053
My father's always
hated Christmas.
193
00:07:31,088 --> 00:07:33,222
Hey, happy June 16.
194
00:07:33,256 --> 00:07:35,291
Thought I'd see how
you like it when someone
195
00:07:35,325 --> 00:07:37,893
breaks into your house
and touches all your stuff.
196
00:07:37,928 --> 00:07:39,395
Hey. Knock it off.
197
00:07:39,429 --> 00:07:41,330
I'm touching this.
And this over here.
198
00:07:41,365 --> 00:07:43,432
You're a creep,
is my point.
199
00:07:46,470 --> 00:07:48,037
All right, Carter, now,
you know what's guaranteed
200
00:07:48,071 --> 00:07:49,472
to put you
in the holiday mood?
201
00:07:49,506 --> 00:07:50,539
Write a Christmas letter
202
00:07:50,574 --> 00:07:52,208
to all your friends
and relatives.
203
00:07:52,242 --> 00:07:54,343
And keep in mind,
it's traditional to embellish
204
00:07:54,378 --> 00:07:56,112
a little bit to make
yourself look better.
205
00:07:56,146 --> 00:07:57,580
"Peter had a
great year,
206
00:07:57,614 --> 00:07:59,248
"and is now starting
quarterback
207
00:07:59,282 --> 00:08:01,283
for the Jacksonville
Jaguars."
208
00:08:01,318 --> 00:08:03,552
What? People can easily
fact-check this.
209
00:08:03,587 --> 00:08:05,354
Yeah, who has the time?
Keep reading.
210
00:08:05,389 --> 00:08:07,490
"Chris refurbished a
vintage motorcycle,
211
00:08:07,524 --> 00:08:09,291
"and Stewie can
slam-dunk a basketball
212
00:08:09,326 --> 00:08:10,993
from a standing
start..."
213
00:08:11,027 --> 00:08:12,328
Peter, that's
impossible.
214
00:08:12,362 --> 00:08:13,763
Read what it says
about you.
215
00:08:13,797 --> 00:08:15,698
"Lois's father,
Carter Pewterschmidt,
216
00:08:15,732 --> 00:08:17,500
bought a small stool
for his balls."
217
00:08:17,534 --> 00:08:18,934
Damn it, I'm not
proud of that.
218
00:08:18,969 --> 00:08:20,870
Well, you have to
throw in some real facts.
219
00:08:20,904 --> 00:08:23,272
That's what gives
the newsletter credibility.
220
00:08:25,041 --> 00:08:27,676
Now, everyone knows the best way
to get the Christmas spirit
221
00:08:27,711 --> 00:08:30,613
is to drink a whole lot
of thick, frothy eggnog.
222
00:08:30,647 --> 00:08:31,447
So get going.
223
00:08:31,481 --> 00:08:32,481
I don't like eggnog.
224
00:08:32,516 --> 00:08:33,549
Drink the nog, Carter.
225
00:08:33,583 --> 00:08:35,017
I don't... I don't want to.
226
00:08:35,051 --> 00:08:37,420
Take it, Carter.
Take all the nog.
227
00:08:40,023 --> 00:08:41,157
No.
228
00:08:41,191 --> 00:08:42,525
Yeah, you like that nog.
229
00:08:42,559 --> 00:08:43,893
Don't spit
the nog out.
230
00:08:43,927 --> 00:08:45,995
Now look at the
camera for a POV shot.
231
00:08:46,029 --> 00:08:48,164
Say thank you with
the nog in your mouth.
232
00:08:48,198 --> 00:08:49,265
Thank you.
Louder.
233
00:08:49,299 --> 00:08:50,699
Thank you.
234
00:08:50,734 --> 00:08:53,068
Good, now go down
to the hotel lobby and check out
235
00:08:53,103 --> 00:08:54,336
with nog all
over your face.
236
00:08:54,371 --> 00:08:55,404
All right.
237
00:08:55,439 --> 00:08:57,373
You know, I still
don't like Christmas,
238
00:08:57,407 --> 00:08:59,675
but I kind of like
what we just did.
239
00:09:01,445 --> 00:09:04,280
Okay, Carter, a big part
of Christmas is masturbating
240
00:09:04,314 --> 00:09:06,615
like you would any other day
but feeling guilty about it
241
00:09:06,650 --> 00:09:08,284
because it's Christmas.
242
00:09:13,957 --> 00:09:16,392
What's
wrong with me?
243
00:09:16,426 --> 00:09:17,393
Griffin,
this isn't working.
244
00:09:17,427 --> 00:09:18,594
What? What do you mean?
245
00:09:18,628 --> 00:09:20,162
I-I'm not getting
the holiday spirit,
246
00:09:20,197 --> 00:09:21,330
so you can stop trying.
247
00:09:21,364 --> 00:09:22,865
But Carter, it's
not just for me.
248
00:09:22,899 --> 00:09:24,200
Think about Stewie.
249
00:09:24,234 --> 00:09:26,068
He's all upset 'cause
there's no carnival.
250
00:09:26,102 --> 00:09:27,470
Heh.
Different dog.
251
00:09:27,504 --> 00:09:29,405
Yeah, this one's, like,
Italian or something.
252
00:09:29,439 --> 00:09:30,806
Anyway, I think
we're done here.
253
00:09:30,841 --> 00:09:32,274
No Christmas Carnival.
254
00:09:32,309 --> 00:09:34,743
Wow, Carter. I had no
idea you were Jewish.
255
00:09:34,778 --> 00:09:36,979
What? Is... is that
how this is coming off?
256
00:09:37,013 --> 00:09:38,247
Yeah, kind of.
257
00:09:38,281 --> 00:09:39,648
I mean, that's what
everyone's saying.
258
00:09:39,683 --> 00:09:41,317
People think I'm Jewish?
259
00:09:52,629 --> 00:09:56,031
Oh, this Christmas Carnival
has everything. Games, food.
260
00:09:56,066 --> 00:09:58,634
Oh, my God, it's the carolers
from A Christmas Story.
261
00:09:58,668 --> 00:10:02,471
♪ Deck the harrs
with boughs of horry ♪
262
00:10:02,506 --> 00:10:06,141
♪ Fa ra ra ra ra
ra ra ra ra ♪
263
00:10:06,176 --> 00:10:07,977
That's right, America,
don't forget.
264
00:10:08,011 --> 00:10:10,913
Your beloved holiday movie
is incredibly racist.
265
00:10:10,947 --> 00:10:12,982
And flom
not that rong ago.
266
00:10:13,049 --> 00:10:14,650
What's wrong with you,
Stews?
267
00:10:14,684 --> 00:10:16,585
You're next up
to see the big guy himself
268
00:10:16,620 --> 00:10:19,021
and you look like a piece
of spaghetti on the street.
269
00:10:19,055 --> 00:10:21,023
I don't know. I thought
having the carnival back
270
00:10:21,057 --> 00:10:22,258
would make me happy,
271
00:10:22,292 --> 00:10:24,360
but it still feels like
something's missing.
272
00:10:24,394 --> 00:10:26,161
Yeah, it's always somethin'.
273
00:10:26,196 --> 00:10:28,464
Like when I finally got
to sleep with Mary Lou Gallo.
274
00:10:28,498 --> 00:10:30,766
She had a look,
but when you got up close,
275
00:10:30,800 --> 00:10:32,635
she also had a smell.
276
00:10:32,669 --> 00:10:34,637
Oh, Stewie, you're next.
277
00:10:34,671 --> 00:10:36,605
Ho ho ho.
278
00:10:36,640 --> 00:10:38,140
Mall Santa is
brought to you
279
00:10:38,174 --> 00:10:40,309
in part this season
by Chipotle.
280
00:10:40,343 --> 00:10:43,178
Between good and
garbage, it's Chipotle.
281
00:10:43,213 --> 00:10:45,114
So, what do you want
for Christmas?
282
00:10:45,148 --> 00:10:47,049
Oh, what do I want
for Christmas?
283
00:10:47,083 --> 00:10:49,351
What do I want
for Christmas?
284
00:10:56,359 --> 00:10:58,227
You know what I want
for Christmas?
285
00:10:58,261 --> 00:11:00,095
I want my friend back.
286
00:11:00,130 --> 00:11:01,330
Your friend?
287
00:11:01,364 --> 00:11:02,765
Yes. My best friend.
288
00:11:02,799 --> 00:11:04,600
My dog, Brian.
289
00:11:04,634 --> 00:11:06,235
He's dead.
290
00:11:06,269 --> 00:11:08,404
It's our first Christmas
without him
291
00:11:08,438 --> 00:11:11,140
and no one's even
mentioned his name.
292
00:11:13,176 --> 00:11:15,878
I don't care about this stupid
carnival or Christmas.
293
00:11:15,912 --> 00:11:18,480
I don't care about
anything except Brian.
294
00:11:18,515 --> 00:11:21,784
I want Brian.
295
00:11:23,587 --> 00:11:26,488
You want me to put a
dead dog under your tree?
296
00:11:26,523 --> 00:11:28,424
Yes.
297
00:11:31,227 --> 00:11:33,495
And, uh,
298
00:11:33,530 --> 00:11:35,297
I-I'd like
a bike, too.
299
00:11:38,960 --> 00:11:42,929
We now return to The Year
Without a Santa Claus or Sex.
300
00:11:42,964 --> 00:11:44,130
Daddy, where's
Santa Clau...
301
00:11:44,165 --> 00:11:45,265
I don't know, okay?!
302
00:11:45,299 --> 00:11:46,600
Should I ask Mom?
303
00:11:46,634 --> 00:11:50,003
I don't know,
she's so busy with her job.
304
00:11:50,037 --> 00:11:52,405
Hello there, Stewart.
305
00:11:52,440 --> 00:11:54,374
What's this?
What are you doing, Vinny?
306
00:11:54,408 --> 00:11:55,942
Vinny? Who's Vinny?
307
00:11:55,977 --> 00:11:59,546
My name is Brian,
aka your favorite dog.
308
00:11:59,580 --> 00:12:01,414
Hey, whose leg do
you gotta gagoosh
309
00:12:01,449 --> 00:12:04,017
to get an Amaretto Di
Saronno around here?
310
00:12:04,051 --> 00:12:05,885
Oh, forget it, Vinny.
You're not Brian.
311
00:12:05,920 --> 00:12:07,821
Come on, I went through
a lot of trouble.
312
00:12:07,855 --> 00:12:10,924
For example, I know Brian
was rather into politics,
313
00:12:10,958 --> 00:12:12,392
so I read the newspaper.
314
00:12:12,426 --> 00:12:15,495
What is goin' on with
all these politics, huh?
315
00:12:15,529 --> 00:12:18,131
Well, that is about Brian's
level of political awareness.
316
00:12:18,165 --> 00:12:19,633
Yeah, and you know
how Brian wrote
317
00:12:19,667 --> 00:12:20,867
Wish It, Want It, Do It?
318
00:12:20,901 --> 00:12:22,335
Well, I wrote
a book, too.
319
00:12:22,370 --> 00:12:23,436
A little
something called
320
00:12:23,471 --> 00:12:24,871
Wish It, Want It,
You Blew It.
321
00:12:24,905 --> 00:12:26,039
Really?
322
00:12:26,073 --> 00:12:28,942
Yup. Let me read
you an expert.
323
00:12:28,976 --> 00:12:30,677
"You wish you
were a millionaire.
324
00:12:30,711 --> 00:12:32,879
"You want more money.
Guess what.
325
00:12:32,913 --> 00:12:34,014
"You blew it.
326
00:12:34,048 --> 00:12:35,782
"You wish you could
change the neighborhood.
327
00:12:35,816 --> 00:12:37,817
"You want to be
a selectman.
328
00:12:37,852 --> 00:12:39,019
"You blew it.
329
00:12:39,053 --> 00:12:40,887
"You wish you could
open up a restaurant.
330
00:12:40,921 --> 00:12:42,889
"You did not want to
pay protection money.
331
00:12:42,923 --> 00:12:44,057
"Knock, knock.
Who's there?
332
00:12:44,091 --> 00:12:45,191
You blew it."
333
00:12:45,226 --> 00:12:46,326
You blew it who?
334
00:12:46,360 --> 00:12:47,460
You blew it bad.
335
00:12:47,495 --> 00:12:49,663
You know what the last
page of the book is?
336
00:12:49,697 --> 00:12:52,198
A mirror. So you can see
exactly who blew it.
337
00:12:52,233 --> 00:12:53,333
Being you.
338
00:12:53,367 --> 00:12:55,168
Look, I appreciate
all this, Vinny,
339
00:12:55,202 --> 00:12:57,404
but there's only one Brian,
340
00:12:57,438 --> 00:13:00,006
and it's tough for me
that he's gone,
341
00:13:00,041 --> 00:13:02,742
especially around the holidays.
342
00:13:02,777 --> 00:13:05,045
Okay, I know what'll
cheer you up.
343
00:13:05,079 --> 00:13:07,514
How about you open up one
of those Christmas presents?
344
00:13:07,548 --> 00:13:08,715
It's from me.
345
00:13:08,749 --> 00:13:10,750
Merry Christmas.
346
00:13:10,785 --> 00:13:13,019
What the hell?
There's a foot in this box.
347
00:13:13,054 --> 00:13:15,121
That was supposed to
go to somebody else.
348
00:13:15,156 --> 00:13:16,456
I'm very sorry.
349
00:13:16,490 --> 00:13:17,724
Well, my friends,
350
00:13:17,758 --> 00:13:20,393
I think Johnny "The Foot"
Giatelli is dead.
351
00:13:20,428 --> 00:13:21,561
Oh no.
352
00:13:21,595 --> 00:13:24,164
They killed Frankie
"Choo-Choo" Chinelli instead.
353
00:13:24,198 --> 00:13:25,532
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
wait a minute.
354
00:13:25,566 --> 00:13:27,233
You sure that's
what this means?
355
00:13:27,268 --> 00:13:29,703
Could be they killed
Davey "The Box" Frateli.
356
00:13:29,737 --> 00:13:30,904
- Ooh. - Ooh.
- Ooh.
357
00:13:30,938 --> 00:13:32,539
Hold on, it
could also be
358
00:13:32,573 --> 00:13:35,041
they killed Jimmy
"Tissue Paper" Scungili.
359
00:13:35,076 --> 00:13:37,877
I just saw Jimmy yesterday
at my kid's christening.
360
00:13:37,912 --> 00:13:39,446
So maybe
it wasn't Jimmy.
361
00:13:39,480 --> 00:13:40,647
Maybe this
means they killed
362
00:13:40,681 --> 00:13:42,449
Anthony "The Air
Around the Box" Minetti.
363
00:13:43,851 --> 00:13:45,151
Oh, no, they killed
364
00:13:45,186 --> 00:13:47,053
Sal "Holding The Box
That We Can't Figure Out
365
00:13:47,088 --> 00:13:49,222
What The Box Means" Casella.
366
00:13:49,256 --> 00:13:51,324
Here, I got this
for you, too.
367
00:13:52,460 --> 00:13:53,593
A bowling shirt?
368
00:13:53,627 --> 00:13:54,928
You can wear
it anywhere.
369
00:13:54,962 --> 00:13:56,863
To the beach,
a wedding on the beach,
370
00:13:56,897 --> 00:13:59,399
beach graduation,
beach funeral,
371
00:13:59,433 --> 00:14:01,868
business conference
which could be at a beach,
372
00:14:01,902 --> 00:14:03,002
a stroll
through the park,
373
00:14:03,037 --> 00:14:05,171
should that park be
adjacent to a beach.
374
00:14:05,206 --> 00:14:06,339
Thanks.
375
00:14:06,374 --> 00:14:07,807
What, you
don't like it?
376
00:14:07,842 --> 00:14:09,309
How's about we
go to the mall
377
00:14:09,343 --> 00:14:10,844
and pick out something
you do like?
378
00:14:10,878 --> 00:14:13,213
Well, I suppose
I could browse the toy store.
379
00:14:13,247 --> 00:14:15,081
Possibly pick up
a new action figure.
380
00:14:15,116 --> 00:14:16,583
That's the spirit.
381
00:14:16,617 --> 00:14:18,737
All right, I better get out
of these professor clothes
382
00:14:18,753 --> 00:14:20,754
before I kick
my own ass.
383
00:14:25,025 --> 00:14:27,827
Okay, Stewie.
Pick anything you want, on me.
384
00:14:27,862 --> 00:14:30,663
I don't know. I hate the toy
store this close to Christmas.
385
00:14:30,698 --> 00:14:32,265
It's always
been picked clean.
386
00:14:32,299 --> 00:14:33,933
There's plenty of
good stuff here.
387
00:14:33,968 --> 00:14:36,936
Look at this, heavy
bronze sheep bookends.
388
00:14:36,971 --> 00:14:39,372
What kid wouldn't want
to play with these?
389
00:14:39,407 --> 00:14:41,074
"Baa. What are
you lookin' at?"
390
00:14:41,108 --> 00:14:43,143
"Not much, that's
what I'm lookin' at."
391
00:14:43,177 --> 00:14:44,411
"You want to have a go?"
392
00:14:44,445 --> 00:14:45,545
"I'd watch what I say
393
00:14:45,579 --> 00:14:47,614
with that other sheep
right behind you."
394
00:14:48,549 --> 00:14:49,983
I played this as a kid.
395
00:14:50,017 --> 00:14:52,018
Course, I had to do
it with ashtrays,
396
00:14:52,052 --> 00:14:53,653
but I think the
sheep is better.
397
00:14:55,489 --> 00:14:57,290
Wait a minute.
Who is that?
398
00:15:02,196 --> 00:15:04,531
I think... I think
I know that boy.
399
00:15:18,746 --> 00:15:20,780
Vinny,
that stocking cap.
400
00:15:20,815 --> 00:15:21,981
It's mine.
401
00:15:23,818 --> 00:15:25,685
That boy is me.
402
00:15:25,719 --> 00:15:28,221
Of course.
It's me from the past.
403
00:15:28,255 --> 00:15:30,390
Several months ago,
I time-traveled ahead
404
00:15:30,424 --> 00:15:31,925
to purchase
that Christmas toy.
405
00:15:31,959 --> 00:15:34,093
I don't understand, so
I'm angry and hungry.
406
00:15:34,128 --> 00:15:35,929
I'm gonna go
punch a sandwich.
407
00:15:37,198 --> 00:15:39,299
Wow, good timing,
little fella.
408
00:15:39,333 --> 00:15:40,600
This just
came out today.
409
00:15:40,634 --> 00:15:43,336
Yeah, I kind of
knew that already.
410
00:15:43,370 --> 00:15:45,805
The time machine return pad
is in the backpack
411
00:15:45,840 --> 00:15:47,240
that other Stewie is wearing.
412
00:15:47,274 --> 00:15:49,108
I must get
my hands on it, Vinny.
413
00:15:49,143 --> 00:15:50,343
Vinny?
414
00:15:50,377 --> 00:15:52,212
That was a
tough sandwich.
415
00:15:52,246 --> 00:15:53,880
As tough as your
mom's fat face.
416
00:15:53,914 --> 00:15:55,315
Hey, leave my mother
out of this.
417
00:15:55,349 --> 00:15:57,650
That woman stitched gloves
till she was 90.
418
00:15:57,685 --> 00:15:59,686
I heard she was
good with her hands.
419
00:15:59,720 --> 00:16:00,920
Nice.
420
00:16:00,955 --> 00:16:03,423
Hey, everybody, we got
a funny sandwich here.
421
00:16:04,725 --> 00:16:06,626
Vinny, I need you
to get that Stewie
422
00:16:06,660 --> 00:16:07,961
to take off
his backpack.
423
00:16:07,995 --> 00:16:09,662
Listen, Stewie,
I'm not following.
424
00:16:09,697 --> 00:16:10,930
I don't have time
to explain.
425
00:16:10,965 --> 00:16:12,131
I've got to
steal something...
426
00:16:12,166 --> 00:16:13,967
That's it. You've
already explained.
427
00:16:14,001 --> 00:16:15,802
You got to steal
something. Got it.
428
00:16:15,836 --> 00:16:17,370
Wait-Wait a sec,
what's your plan?
429
00:16:17,404 --> 00:16:19,239
Trust me, I think
I know you well enough
430
00:16:19,273 --> 00:16:20,940
to know how to distract
the other you.
431
00:16:25,346 --> 00:16:26,946
Hey, how you doing?
432
00:16:26,981 --> 00:16:29,182
This may sound a little
presumptuous of me,
433
00:16:29,216 --> 00:16:31,618
but, uh, you ever
do any modeling?
434
00:16:31,652 --> 00:16:32,852
Well, not
professionally,
435
00:16:32,887 --> 00:16:34,521
but I-I-I have
thought about it.
436
00:16:34,555 --> 00:16:35,722
You ought to.
437
00:16:35,756 --> 00:16:38,191
What are you, like,
six-three? Six-four?
438
00:16:38,225 --> 00:16:40,226
Y-Y-You're in...
you're in the ballpark.
439
00:16:40,261 --> 00:16:41,728
I-I-I carry
myself taller.
440
00:16:41,762 --> 00:16:43,396
Good posture,
very important.
441
00:16:43,430 --> 00:16:44,898
Oh, I agree.
442
00:16:44,932 --> 00:16:46,533
Let me see, let me see.
443
00:16:49,003 --> 00:16:50,036
That's good.
444
00:16:50,070 --> 00:16:51,504
But I feel like that backpack
445
00:16:51,539 --> 00:16:53,306
might be hiding
some figure flaws.
446
00:16:53,340 --> 00:16:57,577
Well, that is where
you are wrong, my friend.
447
00:17:02,850 --> 00:17:04,150
You know, my friends ask me,
448
00:17:04,184 --> 00:17:06,586
"Stewie, why do you throw up
after every meal?"
449
00:17:06,620 --> 00:17:07,954
This.
450
00:17:07,988 --> 00:17:09,255
This is why.
451
00:17:11,959 --> 00:17:14,060
All right, whatever
you gotta do, do it quick.
452
00:17:14,094 --> 00:17:15,595
The other you
is in the back
453
00:17:15,629 --> 00:17:17,997
changing into a pair of
tap shoes, for some reason.
454
00:17:18,032 --> 00:17:20,266
♪ Animal crackers
in my soup... ♪
455
00:17:20,301 --> 00:17:21,668
Hey, where did
that guy go?
456
00:17:21,702 --> 00:17:24,437
Excellent. Now all I've got
to do is set the coordinates
457
00:17:24,471 --> 00:17:25,972
to the moment before
Brian got killed
458
00:17:26,006 --> 00:17:27,106
and I can save him.
459
00:17:27,141 --> 00:17:29,409
Oh, yeah, Scott Bakula
and all that.
460
00:17:29,443 --> 00:17:31,077
Yes, Vinny.
Scott Bakula.
461
00:17:31,111 --> 00:17:33,346
Well, thank you
for everything.
462
00:17:33,380 --> 00:17:34,547
You bet.
463
00:17:34,582 --> 00:17:37,483
You realize if I save Brian,
464
00:17:37,518 --> 00:17:39,319
my family won't
get another dog,
465
00:17:39,353 --> 00:17:41,821
which means we
will never have met.
466
00:17:41,855 --> 00:17:44,624
I'll probably
never see you again.
467
00:17:44,658 --> 00:17:46,960
Oh.
468
00:17:46,994 --> 00:17:50,229
So, I think this is good-bye.
469
00:17:50,264 --> 00:17:52,565
Hey, I'm man's best friend,
470
00:17:52,600 --> 00:17:55,034
not some stupid baby's
best friend, right?
471
00:18:04,244 --> 00:18:07,113
Good dog, Vinny.
Good dog.
472
00:18:07,147 --> 00:18:09,983
Georgette,
I'm coming home.
473
00:18:10,017 --> 00:18:11,784
Who the hell is Georgette?
474
00:18:15,022 --> 00:18:16,990
Okay, Brian, I'm just
putting this out there,
475
00:18:17,024 --> 00:18:20,159
but I'm a baby and only dicks
don't let babies win.
476
00:18:20,194 --> 00:18:21,761
God, look at
this day, huh?
477
00:18:21,795 --> 00:18:23,796
You know, usually, I'd be
sitting inside writing,
478
00:18:23,831 --> 00:18:25,732
you'd be working on
one of your machines.
479
00:18:25,766 --> 00:18:27,433
But here we are
enjoying it.
480
00:18:27,468 --> 00:18:29,268
Yes, it is a nice
change of pace.
481
00:18:29,303 --> 00:18:31,137
Oh, wait, I gotta
go grab my knee pads.
482
00:18:31,171 --> 00:18:33,906
I was using them for...
for, for this other thing.
483
00:18:33,941 --> 00:18:35,475
Anyway, I-I'll be
right back.
484
00:18:42,950 --> 00:18:44,350
Brian, look out!
485
00:18:46,620 --> 00:18:47,720
What the hell?
486
00:18:47,755 --> 00:18:50,356
You're alive,
my friend.
487
00:18:50,391 --> 00:18:51,424
What?
Course I'm alive.
488
00:18:51,458 --> 00:18:52,692
What the hell's
going on here?
489
00:18:52,726 --> 00:18:54,427
Brian, that car
killed you.
490
00:18:54,461 --> 00:18:57,764
And when it did, a little
part of me died as well.
491
00:18:57,798 --> 00:18:58,998
I couldn't live without you.
492
00:18:59,033 --> 00:19:01,434
So I came back from the future
to save your life.
493
00:19:01,468 --> 00:19:02,835
Whoa. Wait,
wait a minute.
494
00:19:02,870 --> 00:19:04,003
What are you
talking about?
495
00:19:04,038 --> 00:19:05,471
I saw you destroy
your time machine.
496
00:19:05,506 --> 00:19:07,740
Yes, but luckily, I ran into
another me from the past,
497
00:19:07,775 --> 00:19:09,909
so I stole his return pad
and came back here.
498
00:19:09,943 --> 00:19:11,210
Oh, that reminds me.
499
00:19:11,245 --> 00:19:13,246
I've gotta send this back
where it came from.
500
00:19:18,352 --> 00:19:20,086
Hmm. I'm starting to think
that guy
501
00:19:20,120 --> 00:19:21,654
wasn't a real modeling agent.
502
00:19:21,689 --> 00:19:23,423
And I'm starting to think
that other guy
503
00:19:23,457 --> 00:19:25,658
wasn't a real
penis-butt inspector.
504
00:19:25,693 --> 00:19:29,162
Wow, Stewie, thank you
for saving my life.
505
00:19:29,196 --> 00:19:30,930
You know, a whole
lot of other families
506
00:19:30,964 --> 00:19:32,965
would've just gotten a
different dog and moved on.
507
00:19:33,000 --> 00:19:35,168
Oh, oh, we could,
we could never
508
00:19:35,202 --> 00:19:37,203
do something
like that, Brian.
509
00:19:37,237 --> 00:19:39,439
Stewie, what's
happening to you?
510
00:19:39,473 --> 00:19:42,341
I think... My time line
is being erased.
511
00:19:42,376 --> 00:19:45,278
The time line where
you died no longer exists.
512
00:19:46,547 --> 00:19:48,381
Merry Christmas, Brian.
513
00:19:49,483 --> 00:19:51,184
Hey, who were you
talking to out here?
514
00:19:51,218 --> 00:19:54,320
A pretty awesome guy.
515
00:19:54,354 --> 00:19:55,421
Oh, "pretty awesome guy."
516
00:19:55,456 --> 00:19:56,689
Why don't you
marry him, huh?
517
00:19:56,724 --> 00:19:57,724
All right, game on.
518
00:19:57,758 --> 00:19:59,759
Aah!
519
00:19:59,793 --> 00:20:02,729
Stew-S-A.
Stew-S-A. Stew-S-A.
520
00:20:08,869 --> 00:20:12,438
Oven mitts.
Wow, thanks, Mom.
521
00:20:12,473 --> 00:20:13,906
Now you don't
have to ask me
522
00:20:13,941 --> 00:20:16,642
if everything is hot
before you touch it.
523
00:20:16,677 --> 00:20:19,679
Are... are
the oven mitts hot?
524
00:20:19,713 --> 00:20:22,315
Here you go, Stewie.
Merry Christmas.
525
00:20:26,887 --> 00:20:29,822
Brian, it's-it's...
wonderful. Thank you.
526
00:20:29,857 --> 00:20:32,091
Well, you gave me
the greatest gift of all.
527
00:20:32,126 --> 00:20:33,760
I'll tell you
about it sometime.
528
00:20:33,794 --> 00:20:34,927
Brian.
529
00:20:34,962 --> 00:20:36,562
Are we pregnant?
530
00:20:36,597 --> 00:20:38,633
What? No, Stewie,
it's nothing like that.
531
00:20:38,634 --> 00:20:40,167
Okay, well, I
have to tell you,
532
00:20:40,202 --> 00:20:41,302
I'm a little
bit relieved.
533
00:20:41,336 --> 00:20:43,787
Look, just, just, thanks
for everything, Stewie.
534
00:20:43,788 --> 00:20:46,691
You're my best friend
and I love you.
535
00:20:46,692 --> 00:20:48,327
All I can say, Brian,
536
00:20:48,352 --> 00:20:51,092
is you've been making
really creepy eye contact
537
00:20:51,093 --> 00:20:53,789
with me all morning
and I want it to stop right now.
538
00:20:53,889 --> 00:20:58,889
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man