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00:00:01,202 --> 00:00:04,437
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
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00:00:04,633 --> 00:00:07,902
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
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00:00:07,936 --> 00:00:11,639
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
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00:00:11,673 --> 00:00:14,809
♪ On which we used to rely?
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♪ Lucky there's a family guy
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♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us
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♪ Laugh and cry
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00:00:24,720 --> 00:00:26,189
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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00:00:26,190 --> 00:00:30,190
♪ Family Guy 12x09 ♪
Peter Problems
Original Air Date on January 5, 2014
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00:00:30,191 --> 00:00:35,191
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
12
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Morning, Stella.
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00:00:36,398 --> 00:00:37,431
Morning, Peter.
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Hey, listen, I-I got to
ask you something.
15
00:00:39,234 --> 00:00:41,035
Last night, I heard,
uh, the song
16
00:00:41,069 --> 00:00:42,703
"Pour Some Sugar On Me,"
17
00:00:42,738 --> 00:00:44,905
and-and this question
popped into my head.
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00:00:44,940 --> 00:00:47,508
Are you-- and please say
yes-- are you related--
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00:00:47,542 --> 00:00:50,044
and even if you're not, please
say yes-- are you related to--
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00:00:50,078 --> 00:00:52,012
and please say yes
because I need the attention
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00:00:52,047 --> 00:00:54,915
from my friends-- are you
related to Def Leppard?
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00:00:54,950 --> 00:00:56,484
Griffin, can I talk
to you privately?
23
00:00:56,518 --> 00:00:58,352
Stella, turn around.
24
00:00:58,386 --> 00:01:01,288
You know, that is one nice thing
about having a deaf coworker.
25
00:01:01,323 --> 00:01:03,858
Well, that and I can work
on my verbal sound effects
26
00:01:03,892 --> 00:01:05,126
and not feel
self-conscious about
27
00:01:05,160 --> 00:01:06,694
the ones that aren't
quite there yet.
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00:01:06,728 --> 00:01:08,429
What are you talking about?
29
00:01:08,463 --> 00:01:11,165
I'm talking about this:
shabba dabba dabba dabba dabba.
30
00:01:11,199 --> 00:01:12,900
That's a helicopter
hovering over a woman
31
00:01:12,934 --> 00:01:14,135
swimming in her pool.
32
00:01:14,169 --> 00:01:15,269
I also do animals.
33
00:01:15,303 --> 00:01:16,470
Here's a mouse.
34
00:01:16,505 --> 00:01:18,372
Mouse?
35
00:01:18,406 --> 00:01:19,974
Oh, that one's ready.
36
00:01:20,008 --> 00:01:21,809
Griffin, I actually
came to tell you
37
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that you're being promoted
to forklift operator.
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00:01:24,346 --> 00:01:25,746
Really? That's awesome!
39
00:01:25,781 --> 00:01:27,715
Yeah, Frank retired, and
since you're already required
40
00:01:27,749 --> 00:01:28,949
to wear a helmet here--
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00:01:28,984 --> 00:01:30,651
which, by the way,
put on your helmet.
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00:01:30,685 --> 00:01:31,819
Oh, sorry.
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00:01:31,853 --> 00:01:33,487
Anyway, the job is yours.
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00:01:33,522 --> 00:01:35,656
Which means you'll be
receiving a five percent raise.
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00:01:35,690 --> 00:01:37,191
Wow, a raise!
46
00:01:37,225 --> 00:01:39,727
I guess this means I can
afford to set up this cutaway
47
00:01:39,761 --> 00:01:41,829
with a fancy
new transition.
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♪ Cutaway ♪
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00:01:52,674 --> 00:01:53,908
♪ End of cutaway ♪
50
00:01:55,877 --> 00:01:59,413
All right, you beautiful
bastard, show me what you got.
51
00:02:08,990 --> 00:02:10,191
Peter, you can run now,
52
00:02:10,225 --> 00:02:12,026
and no one will
call you a quitter.
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00:02:12,060 --> 00:02:13,460
What am I saying? No.
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00:02:13,495 --> 00:02:16,530
I learned how to use stickers,
and I can learn how to use this.
55
00:02:37,352 --> 00:02:38,853
Oh, this is awesome.
56
00:02:57,706 --> 00:02:59,039
Oh, guys, good,
you're here.
57
00:02:59,074 --> 00:03:01,508
I am so excited.
Guess what.
58
00:03:01,543 --> 00:03:03,277
I hope this isn't
about your podcast again.
59
00:03:03,311 --> 00:03:04,745
Why? Did you
finally listen to it?
60
00:03:04,779 --> 00:03:06,614
Yeah, it was just
15 minutes of you listing
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00:03:06,648 --> 00:03:08,415
all the hats
you could think of.
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00:03:08,450 --> 00:03:10,251
Sherlock Holmes hat.
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00:03:10,285 --> 00:03:11,719
Football man hat.
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00:03:11,753 --> 00:03:14,321
Angry working-class
Irish idiot hat.
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00:03:14,356 --> 00:03:17,625
Underwear 'cause you're a cat
in the laundry basket hat.
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00:03:17,659 --> 00:03:20,327
Vietnamese the sun
is my enemy hat.
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00:03:20,362 --> 00:03:24,164
Halloween mask that
I flip up to eat my candy hat.
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00:03:24,199 --> 00:03:27,001
College guy wearing
a pizza box hat.
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00:03:27,035 --> 00:03:28,569
Blue hat.
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00:03:28,603 --> 00:03:30,671
I think that's all the hats.
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00:03:30,705 --> 00:03:32,106
No, you guys, this
is really big.
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00:03:32,140 --> 00:03:33,207
You're not gonna
believe this.
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00:03:33,241 --> 00:03:34,341
Peter, we've
been over this.
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00:03:34,376 --> 00:03:35,609
You're not
allowed to say that
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00:03:35,644 --> 00:03:37,111
unless there's
a forklift outside.
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00:03:38,880 --> 00:03:40,080
Forklift!
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00:03:41,116 --> 00:03:42,283
Wow!
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00:03:42,317 --> 00:03:43,484
I know,
awesome, right?
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00:03:43,518 --> 00:03:45,185
Oh, my God,
I want to get on!
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00:03:45,220 --> 00:03:47,855
Hold on, remember the first
thing we said we'd do.
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00:03:50,392 --> 00:03:51,592
Wow.
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00:03:51,626 --> 00:03:53,627
So that's what the
tops of cars look like.
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00:03:53,662 --> 00:03:55,162
All right,
walking speed.
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00:03:57,432 --> 00:03:58,465
Afternoon, ma'am.
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00:03:58,500 --> 00:04:00,100
Afternoon to you,
normal sir.
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00:04:00,135 --> 00:04:01,769
No one can tell.
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00:04:03,138 --> 00:04:05,806
Uh, how's the weather
down there, you short idiot?
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00:04:05,840 --> 00:04:07,541
Should we tell him
his pants fell off?
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00:04:07,575 --> 00:04:08,976
No, let's wait awhile.
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00:04:09,010 --> 00:04:11,679
♪ Well you can tell by
the way I use my walk ♪
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00:04:11,713 --> 00:04:14,882
♪ I walk all the time,
'cause my legs can walk. ♪
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00:04:29,998 --> 00:04:32,533
Uh, are you gonna
stay for the bris?
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00:04:32,567 --> 00:04:34,401
Nah, I don't
want to see that.
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00:04:36,438 --> 00:04:38,839
This whale's
beached himself.
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00:04:38,873 --> 00:04:41,342
He needs to get back
in the water or he'll die.
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00:04:41,376 --> 00:04:42,843
Step aside,
I'll handle this.
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00:04:42,877 --> 00:04:44,311
Give me some room.
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00:05:55,483 --> 00:05:58,185
You're whale-come.
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00:05:58,219 --> 00:05:59,553
Aw, cool shell.
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00:06:13,535 --> 00:06:16,003
Ah, this is what it's
all about, huh, Duke?
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00:06:16,037 --> 00:06:19,073
600 gallons of beer
in one big thing.
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00:06:19,107 --> 00:06:21,008
This is what
we do, Peter.
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00:06:21,042 --> 00:06:22,876
You know, I always thought
I could chug that,
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00:06:22,911 --> 00:06:25,145
but I never tried 'cause
I figured I couldn't lift it.
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00:06:25,180 --> 00:06:26,613
Until now.
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00:06:26,648 --> 00:06:28,749
Are you nuts?
No way you can chug that.
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00:06:28,783 --> 00:06:30,117
No, I can totally do it.
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00:06:30,151 --> 00:06:32,152
I've only had, like,
four beers this morning.
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00:06:50,772 --> 00:06:52,172
He's doing it!
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00:06:52,207 --> 00:06:54,308
It's killing him,
but he's doing it.
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00:07:02,784 --> 00:07:05,752
So, as you can see,
sales are going very well.
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00:07:09,724 --> 00:07:11,358
Griffin, you're fired!
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00:07:11,392 --> 00:07:14,094
Eh, see if I care.
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00:07:14,129 --> 00:07:15,596
Hello, COBRA?
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00:07:15,630 --> 00:07:19,600
I'd like to pay $1,300 for
one month of health insurance.
116
00:07:25,425 --> 00:07:27,393
How's the job
search going, Dad?
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00:07:27,427 --> 00:07:28,427
Eh, not great, Chris.
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00:07:28,462 --> 00:07:29,895
I'm looking
at the paper right now.
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00:07:29,930 --> 00:07:31,197
I don't see a lot here.
120
00:07:31,231 --> 00:07:33,566
Hey, Lois, how much
you think a Sagittarius pays?
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00:07:33,600 --> 00:07:35,668
I think you're in
the wrong section, Peter.
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00:07:35,702 --> 00:07:37,169
Oh, pardon me.
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00:07:37,204 --> 00:07:39,305
Oh, looks like
the Dodgers just cut Peña.
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00:07:39,339 --> 00:07:40,339
Might be something there.
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00:07:40,340 --> 00:07:41,941
Peter, put
the paper down.
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00:07:41,975 --> 00:07:43,309
Okay, kids,
off to school.
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00:07:43,343 --> 00:07:44,677
Now, I know
it's picture day,
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00:07:44,711 --> 00:07:46,078
but we can't
afford them anymore,
129
00:07:46,113 --> 00:07:47,513
so just run
behind another kid
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00:07:47,547 --> 00:07:49,548
when they're getting
their picture taken.
131
00:07:53,487 --> 00:07:56,088
Peter, we should talk
about this job situation.
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00:07:56,123 --> 00:07:57,490
Our savings are
getting pretty low.
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00:07:57,524 --> 00:07:58,557
You know,
actually, Peter,
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00:07:58,592 --> 00:08:00,025
there's a lot
of job training programs
135
00:08:00,060 --> 00:08:01,093
sponsored by the state
136
00:08:01,128 --> 00:08:02,995
that could help you
get the skills you need
137
00:08:03,029 --> 00:08:04,029
for another occupation.
138
00:08:04,064 --> 00:08:05,698
You know, Brian,
you could get a job.
139
00:08:05,732 --> 00:08:06,899
I have a job.
140
00:08:06,933 --> 00:08:09,068
I-I'm a writer, Peter.
I'm working right now.
141
00:08:09,102 --> 00:08:10,202
See this,
all of this?
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00:08:10,237 --> 00:08:12,505
This is the raw material
of a picture of life
143
00:08:12,539 --> 00:08:14,273
that I'm gonna
paint with words.
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00:08:14,307 --> 00:08:16,108
Yesterday, it took you
30 minutes
145
00:08:16,143 --> 00:08:17,977
to lap up a cold cut
off the floor.
146
00:08:18,011 --> 00:08:19,745
That's my process!
147
00:08:19,780 --> 00:08:20,913
It's been three weeks
148
00:08:20,947 --> 00:08:22,615
and you haven't had
a single job lead.
149
00:08:22,649 --> 00:08:23,749
Oh, that's not true.
150
00:08:23,784 --> 00:08:26,218
I came really close
with that job at the school.
151
00:08:26,253 --> 00:08:27,920
So, what makes you want
to be a crossing guard?
152
00:08:27,954 --> 00:08:29,622
I don't know, I just
thought it would be cool
153
00:08:29,656 --> 00:08:32,992
to decide which kids do
and don't get hit by a car.
154
00:08:33,026 --> 00:08:35,594
Well, Peter, since you've been
having such a tough time,
155
00:08:35,629 --> 00:08:38,597
I was thinking, maybe I
should look for a job.
156
00:08:38,632 --> 00:08:41,534
Lois, I'll be damned if I will
let my wife be a prostitute.
157
00:08:41,568 --> 00:08:44,103
What? No, I'll get
a regular job.
158
00:08:44,137 --> 00:08:46,071
What,
like a lawyer?
159
00:08:46,106 --> 00:08:49,308
Peter, there are jobs for women
between prostitute and lawyer.
160
00:08:49,342 --> 00:08:50,342
Wartime nurse?
161
00:08:50,377 --> 00:08:51,377
We need money.
162
00:08:51,411 --> 00:08:52,912
I'm gonna look
for a job.
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00:08:52,946 --> 00:08:55,481
I guess you should;
and that'll give me more time
164
00:08:55,515 --> 00:08:57,983
to focus on expanding
my record collection.
165
00:08:58,018 --> 00:08:59,919
How's this one?
Oh, Bach.
166
00:08:59,953 --> 00:09:01,487
Is very good.
I recommend.
167
00:09:01,521 --> 00:09:02,688
And this one?
168
00:09:02,722 --> 00:09:04,123
Oh, Mozart.
169
00:09:04,157 --> 00:09:05,357
The boy genius.
170
00:09:05,392 --> 00:09:06,392
The best.
171
00:09:06,426 --> 00:09:07,593
Okay, how about this?
172
00:09:07,627 --> 00:09:09,094
Ooh, Debussy.
173
00:09:09,129 --> 00:09:10,463
I love Debussy.
174
00:09:10,497 --> 00:09:13,232
Sometimes all I can
think about is Debussy.
175
00:09:13,266 --> 00:09:14,967
Oh, look at the pianist.
176
00:09:15,001 --> 00:09:17,169
The pianist is so good
with Debussy.
177
00:09:17,204 --> 00:09:18,571
So, you like
his early work?
178
00:09:18,605 --> 00:09:20,539
Oh, yes,
when Debussy was young,
179
00:09:20,574 --> 00:09:22,208
that's when
you want Debussy.
180
00:09:22,242 --> 00:09:23,642
Okay, I'll
take these two.
181
00:09:23,677 --> 00:09:24,743
Very good, sir.
182
00:09:24,778 --> 00:09:27,179
Just make sure
you finish on the Bach.
183
00:09:27,214 --> 00:09:29,048
Never finish on Debussy.
184
00:09:30,484 --> 00:09:32,485
Bravo! Bravo!
185
00:09:38,358 --> 00:09:39,758
All right,
you can do this.
186
00:09:39,793 --> 00:09:41,026
You've shopped here for years.
187
00:09:41,061 --> 00:09:43,329
You know this place
like the back of your hand.
188
00:09:45,332 --> 00:09:48,033
Now, Mrs. Griffin, where
did you go to college?
189
00:09:48,068 --> 00:09:49,101
Groceries.
190
00:09:49,135 --> 00:09:51,103
Are you available
to work weekends?
191
00:09:51,137 --> 00:09:52,338
Groceries.
192
00:09:52,372 --> 00:09:53,372
Very impressive.
193
00:09:53,406 --> 00:09:54,940
This next one is
a trick question.
194
00:09:54,975 --> 00:09:56,141
Groceries?
195
00:09:56,176 --> 00:09:57,343
I'm hired.
196
00:09:57,377 --> 00:09:59,011
Welcome aboard.
197
00:10:03,450 --> 00:10:05,184
Hey, guys,
great news.
198
00:10:05,218 --> 00:10:07,253
You're looking at
the new assistant store manager
199
00:10:07,287 --> 00:10:08,320
of Stop 'N Shop.
200
00:10:08,355 --> 00:10:09,989
You got a job
at the grocery store?
201
00:10:10,023 --> 00:10:11,357
That's great!
202
00:10:11,391 --> 00:10:13,626
You get to see all the food
before it's famous.
203
00:10:13,660 --> 00:10:14,894
Well, you know
you've made it
204
00:10:14,928 --> 00:10:16,529
when you've got
a teenage boss.
205
00:10:16,563 --> 00:10:17,596
Lois, that's awesome!
206
00:10:17,631 --> 00:10:19,465
Now I can spend
my days at The Clam
207
00:10:19,499 --> 00:10:20,866
like we've always
talked about.
208
00:10:20,901 --> 00:10:23,202
No, Peter, if I'm gonna
be out of the house working,
209
00:10:23,236 --> 00:10:25,604
you're gonna have to take over
for me in the house.
210
00:10:25,639 --> 00:10:27,673
Wait, wait, what,
I-I got to do what you do?
211
00:10:27,707 --> 00:10:29,775
Spending the whole day
taking Tylenol PMs
212
00:10:29,809 --> 00:10:31,377
and straddling
the bath faucet?
213
00:10:31,411 --> 00:10:33,846
Well, the guy knows what's going
on here, I'll give him that.
214
00:10:33,880 --> 00:10:36,715
No, I mean, you're gonna need to
cook the meals and do laundry
215
00:10:36,750 --> 00:10:38,617
and take care of Stewie,
like I've been doing.
216
00:10:38,652 --> 00:10:39,618
Are you serious?
217
00:10:39,653 --> 00:10:40,753
Dad's gonna
run the house?
218
00:10:40,787 --> 00:10:41,954
Hey, I can do it.
219
00:10:41,988 --> 00:10:44,089
I mean, it can't be
any harder than that job
220
00:10:44,124 --> 00:10:45,958
I used to have
at the bowling alley.
221
00:10:45,992 --> 00:10:46,959
Bowlarama.
222
00:10:46,993 --> 00:10:48,460
Yes, we're open.
223
00:10:48,495 --> 00:10:50,863
Oh, yes, we have a wide
selection of balls
224
00:10:50,897 --> 00:10:53,499
that are way too heavy
or have too-small finger holes.
225
00:10:53,533 --> 00:10:55,701
Uh, no, you will not
be able to do anything
226
00:10:55,735 --> 00:10:57,970
with your wrist
for seven days afterward.
227
00:10:58,004 --> 00:11:00,372
Yes, sir, all of the joysticks
in the arcade
228
00:11:00,407 --> 00:11:03,008
are completely covered in pizza
grease, no worries there.
229
00:11:03,043 --> 00:11:04,276
What's that?
230
00:11:04,311 --> 00:11:06,912
Oh, absolutely, there is always
a group of teenagers
231
00:11:06,947 --> 00:11:09,381
throwing the ball real hard
and scaring everyone.
232
00:11:09,416 --> 00:11:12,585
No, there is no smoking,
but we do let you smoke.
233
00:11:12,619 --> 00:11:14,987
Yes, it's all terrible,
come on down.
234
00:11:20,327 --> 00:11:21,961
Why are you doing laundry
in the dishwasher?
235
00:11:21,995 --> 00:11:23,495
Oh, I can't use
the washing machine;
236
00:11:23,530 --> 00:11:25,097
it's really been
acting up lately.
237
00:11:26,499 --> 00:11:27,566
What the hell?
238
00:11:27,601 --> 00:11:29,635
What's going on
down here?
239
00:11:29,669 --> 00:11:31,203
This is washing
machine stuff.
240
00:11:31,237 --> 00:11:33,072
Go back upstairs,
suck-bag.
241
00:11:37,010 --> 00:11:39,178
All right, Stewie, I'm gonna
change your diaper now.
242
00:11:39,212 --> 00:11:41,914
Which, unfortunately, means
I have to touch your privates.
243
00:11:41,948 --> 00:11:44,283
All right, so here I
come with the cloth.
244
00:11:44,317 --> 00:11:46,352
Okay? This is
not sexual.
245
00:11:46,386 --> 00:11:49,488
All right, I've made contact
with your undercarriage.
246
00:11:49,522 --> 00:11:51,757
I am moving it upwards
with a cupped hand.
247
00:11:51,791 --> 00:11:53,359
I'm looking you
in the eye now.
248
00:11:53,393 --> 00:11:54,793
Please meet my gaze.
249
00:11:54,828 --> 00:11:56,028
And we're done.
250
00:11:56,062 --> 00:11:58,797
That was intense.
251
00:12:01,034 --> 00:12:02,768
All right, kids,
you are really gonna love
252
00:12:02,802 --> 00:12:04,536
these Cornish game hens
I cooked for dinner.
253
00:12:04,571 --> 00:12:06,739
Now, I don't want
to pat myself on the back,
254
00:12:06,773 --> 00:12:09,041
but I worked all day
getting 'em just right...
255
00:12:09,075 --> 00:12:10,342
Holy crap!
256
00:12:11,011 --> 00:12:12,044
Oh, my God.
257
00:12:12,078 --> 00:12:13,345
Then that means...
258
00:12:14,714 --> 00:12:16,181
And that also means...
259
00:12:19,352 --> 00:12:20,686
You know what, Peter?
260
00:12:20,720 --> 00:12:23,489
You tried hard, and you
still earned that wine.
261
00:12:28,762 --> 00:12:30,529
I'm home.
262
00:12:30,563 --> 00:12:32,564
Wow, Peter,
the house looks amazing.
263
00:12:32,599 --> 00:12:34,133
Yeah, well, let's
take off our shoes
264
00:12:34,167 --> 00:12:35,901
and try to keep
it that way, huh?
265
00:12:35,935 --> 00:12:38,170
No, really, Peter,
it seems like you've really
266
00:12:38,204 --> 00:12:39,805
taken to being
a househusband.
267
00:12:39,839 --> 00:12:41,306
Well, it hasn't
been easy.
268
00:12:41,341 --> 00:12:42,675
Between doing the
laundry and vacuuming,
269
00:12:42,709 --> 00:12:44,910
I barely had time to
put on a nice sweater
270
00:12:44,944 --> 00:12:47,379
and clasp a cup of
tea with two hands.
271
00:12:50,650 --> 00:12:52,651
Ah.
272
00:12:54,487 --> 00:12:56,922
And now to tie this sweater
around my waist
273
00:12:56,956 --> 00:12:59,124
and walk around
the neighborhood.
274
00:12:59,159 --> 00:13:01,226
Well, what do you say
I reward you
275
00:13:01,261 --> 00:13:02,594
for all your hard work?
276
00:13:02,629 --> 00:13:04,363
Geez, Lois, is that
all you think about?
277
00:13:04,397 --> 00:13:05,431
I'm tired.
278
00:13:05,465 --> 00:13:06,465
Come on, Peter.
279
00:13:06,499 --> 00:13:07,466
I need this release.
280
00:13:07,500 --> 00:13:08,934
I had a long
day at work.
281
00:13:08,968 --> 00:13:10,402
Oh, work.
282
00:13:10,437 --> 00:13:12,037
I suppose work
is why you missed
283
00:13:12,072 --> 00:13:13,505
Chris's father-son picnic.
284
00:13:13,540 --> 00:13:15,574
Peter, you're still
Chris's father.
285
00:13:15,608 --> 00:13:16,909
Why can't you just listen
286
00:13:16,943 --> 00:13:18,777
instead of trying
to fix everything?!
287
00:13:20,180 --> 00:13:21,313
Get in here, Peter.
288
00:13:21,347 --> 00:13:22,748
Don't you want to have sex?
289
00:13:22,782 --> 00:13:25,417
I don't think we've done it
since I started working.
290
00:13:25,452 --> 00:13:26,885
Yeah, I guess you're right.
291
00:13:26,920 --> 00:13:30,355
Come on, where's my big,
strong man?
292
00:13:30,390 --> 00:13:33,292
Putting on one of your
dress shirts to look sexy.
293
00:13:36,863 --> 00:13:38,030
Mmm.
294
00:13:38,064 --> 00:13:40,132
I want to do it on top
of the comforter.
295
00:13:40,166 --> 00:13:41,734
I don't care if
we make streaks.
296
00:13:41,768 --> 00:13:42,935
Well, of course you don't,
297
00:13:42,969 --> 00:13:44,436
you're not the one
who cleans it.
298
00:13:44,471 --> 00:13:46,905
Peter, just shut
up and take me!
299
00:13:51,211 --> 00:13:52,678
Peter, get up! Get up!
300
00:13:52,712 --> 00:13:54,179
There's a caterpillar
in the bed!
301
00:13:54,214 --> 00:13:56,248
Oh, that's, uh...
that's me.
302
00:13:56,282 --> 00:13:57,282
What?
303
00:13:57,317 --> 00:13:58,917
How do I put this
delicately?
304
00:13:58,952 --> 00:14:02,254
My hog cannot partake
in the slop this evening.
305
00:14:02,288 --> 00:14:05,758
Peter, are you having
trouble getting... ready?
306
00:14:05,792 --> 00:14:07,493
Yes, obviously,
I'm having trouble!
307
00:14:07,527 --> 00:14:09,461
Well, somebody's gonna
have sex with me.
308
00:14:09,496 --> 00:14:10,529
Lois, don't say that.
309
00:14:10,563 --> 00:14:12,765
Quagmire will show up
like the Road Runner.
310
00:14:16,269 --> 00:14:18,904
It's okay, your vagina's
just a painted-on hole.
311
00:14:24,949 --> 00:14:26,616
Oh, Peter,
you're up.
312
00:14:26,650 --> 00:14:27,917
That's not
what I heard.
313
00:14:29,887 --> 00:14:31,287
Hey, Peter, you want
a little something
314
00:14:31,322 --> 00:14:32,455
to put in that
orange juice?
315
00:14:32,490 --> 00:14:33,690
What? Why? It's 9:00 a.m.
316
00:14:33,724 --> 00:14:34,924
Well, I
figured you'd
317
00:14:34,959 --> 00:14:36,659
like to start your day
with a stiff one.
318
00:14:38,162 --> 00:14:39,629
You can't
get a boner!
319
00:14:39,663 --> 00:14:42,198
You're a failure as
a man and a father.
320
00:14:42,233 --> 00:14:44,367
Peter, it's nothing
to get upset about.
321
00:14:44,402 --> 00:14:46,002
There's treatments
available.
322
00:14:46,036 --> 00:14:47,504
We'll go see
Dr. Hartman.
323
00:14:47,538 --> 00:14:49,339
I don't want to do that;
I'm embarrassed.
324
00:14:49,373 --> 00:14:51,107
This shouldn't
embarrass you.
325
00:14:51,142 --> 00:14:53,343
The size should
embarrass you.
326
00:14:58,149 --> 00:15:00,283
How about now? Is this
doing anything for you?
327
00:15:00,317 --> 00:15:01,518
No.
328
00:15:01,552 --> 00:15:04,788
Hmm. Well, what if
I show you my tattoo?
329
00:15:06,157 --> 00:15:07,724
Nothing.
Well, you got a dead rat
330
00:15:07,758 --> 00:15:08,792
in your
pants, mister.
331
00:15:08,826 --> 00:15:10,493
There's got to be
something you can do,
332
00:15:10,528 --> 00:15:11,528
Dr. Hartman.
333
00:15:11,562 --> 00:15:13,029
Have you tried
getting a divorce?
334
00:15:13,063 --> 00:15:15,165
I've never seen this
problem in a single man.
335
00:15:15,199 --> 00:15:17,333
Doctor, what about
Viagra or Cialis?
336
00:15:17,368 --> 00:15:18,535
What about them?
337
00:15:18,569 --> 00:15:20,236
Well, if Peter
could try them,
338
00:15:20,271 --> 00:15:21,838
they might help
with his problem.
339
00:15:21,872 --> 00:15:23,173
Those are for man troubles?
340
00:15:23,207 --> 00:15:25,642
I've been prescribing them
as antidepressants.
341
00:15:25,676 --> 00:15:30,313
Everything's just getting
harder and harder.
342
00:15:34,318 --> 00:15:35,685
Hey, you guys
want another round?
343
00:15:35,719 --> 00:15:37,554
Oh, I don't know, Peter,
it's getting kind of late.
344
00:15:37,588 --> 00:15:38,788
Yeah, I got
to get going.
345
00:15:38,823 --> 00:15:40,824
It takes me three hours
to get ready for bed.
346
00:15:40,858 --> 00:15:42,425
Oh, please don't
make me go home
347
00:15:42,460 --> 00:15:43,660
and disappoint
my wife yet again!
348
00:15:43,694 --> 00:15:45,015
What are you
talking about, Peter?
349
00:15:45,029 --> 00:15:47,564
You know how earlier tonight
we all said we had erections?
350
00:15:47,598 --> 00:15:48,565
I lied.
351
00:15:48,599 --> 00:15:49,766
So did I.
352
00:15:49,800 --> 00:15:51,835
Dr. Hartman says I'm impotent.
353
00:15:51,869 --> 00:15:53,636
Oh, you don't have to
take that from him.
354
00:15:53,671 --> 00:15:55,672
You know, Dr. Hartman
once told me I had gonorrhea.
355
00:15:55,706 --> 00:15:57,707
So I hit him
in the head with a bat.
356
00:15:57,741 --> 00:16:00,844
I give gonorrhea,
I don't get gonorrhea. Okay?
357
00:16:00,878 --> 00:16:02,345
It's terrible, guys.
358
00:16:02,379 --> 00:16:04,347
I tried the pills he gave me,
but even they didn't work.
359
00:16:04,381 --> 00:16:05,748
Well, look at it
this way, Peter:
360
00:16:05,783 --> 00:16:07,016
without sex, you'll
have more time
361
00:16:07,051 --> 00:16:09,018
to do the things you've
always wanted to do.
362
00:16:09,053 --> 00:16:11,087
For me, it was learning
to play the trombone.
363
00:16:11,121 --> 00:16:13,156
Why the hell would you
want to play the trombone?
364
00:16:13,190 --> 00:16:15,058
For moments
like this.
365
00:16:15,092 --> 00:16:16,659
Peter can't
get an erection.
366
00:16:19,330 --> 00:16:22,098
Peter, I am gonna help
you beat impotence.
367
00:16:22,132 --> 00:16:23,433
We can do
this together.
368
00:16:23,467 --> 00:16:25,201
Thanks, Quagmire,
'cause this sucks.
369
00:16:25,236 --> 00:16:26,469
I think even the people
370
00:16:26,504 --> 00:16:28,571
at the office supply store
can tell.
371
00:16:28,606 --> 00:16:30,173
Um, excuse me,
where do you keep
372
00:16:30,207 --> 00:16:31,441
your three-ring binders?
373
00:16:31,475 --> 00:16:32,642
Those are on aisle...
374
00:16:32,676 --> 00:16:34,177
Hold on a sec.
375
00:16:36,747 --> 00:16:39,115
We're all out
of binders.
376
00:16:41,118 --> 00:16:43,152
All right, Peter, now, when
it comes to curing impotence,
377
00:16:43,187 --> 00:16:44,721
sometimes you
have to get creative.
378
00:16:44,755 --> 00:16:46,712
So, we're gonna try
the Boston Method.
379
00:16:46,737 --> 00:16:47,156
What's that?
380
00:16:47,157 --> 00:16:49,792
Well, basically, some dirtbag
from Boston yells at your junk
381
00:16:49,827 --> 00:16:51,427
to scare it
into working again.
382
00:16:52,329 --> 00:16:54,130
So you got a
stupid penis, huh?
383
00:16:54,164 --> 00:16:55,899
I-I guess so.
384
00:16:55,933 --> 00:16:58,735
You hear me in there,
dum-dum? Let's look alive.
385
00:16:58,769 --> 00:17:01,437
Listen, I could be nice about
this or I could get my brother.
386
00:17:01,472 --> 00:17:02,939
And he did some
serious time
387
00:17:02,973 --> 00:17:05,808
for throwing a turkey
off a bridge into a car.
388
00:17:05,843 --> 00:17:07,310
It's-it's not working.
389
00:17:07,344 --> 00:17:08,778
All right,
well, I got to go.
390
00:17:08,812 --> 00:17:12,315
There's a ripped screen door
that needs slamming.
391
00:17:12,349 --> 00:17:14,617
How could a town
with so many great colleges
392
00:17:14,652 --> 00:17:16,786
produce nothing but dopes?
393
00:17:22,226 --> 00:17:24,193
You sure this is
gonna work, Quagmire?
394
00:17:24,228 --> 00:17:25,528
Of course. This isn't
the first time
395
00:17:25,563 --> 00:17:26,829
I've rigged up
a sex puppet.
396
00:17:26,864 --> 00:17:29,198
I now have full control
over your genitals.
397
00:17:29,233 --> 00:17:30,033
Are you sure?
398
00:17:30,067 --> 00:17:31,534
Yeah, check it out.
399
00:17:33,137 --> 00:17:35,371
It looks like
an unmanned fire hose.
400
00:17:35,406 --> 00:17:36,566
Stop smiling,
this is serious.
401
00:17:36,574 --> 00:17:38,041
You got to have
your sex face.
402
00:17:38,075 --> 00:17:41,978
Okay, okay, my sex face
is a ton of underbite.
403
00:17:42,012 --> 00:17:43,112
Okay.
404
00:17:43,147 --> 00:17:44,881
Lois, I'm ready.
405
00:17:47,918 --> 00:17:49,719
Oh, Peter.
406
00:17:52,523 --> 00:17:53,723
How about this?
407
00:17:55,593 --> 00:17:57,627
Damn it, Peter,
I'll set the pace, you idiot.
408
00:17:57,661 --> 00:17:59,262
All right, now to
let some line out.
409
00:17:59,296 --> 00:18:00,730
Let her dance with it a little.
410
00:18:04,034 --> 00:18:06,102
Oh, come on, Peter,
get out of my water glass.
411
00:18:06,136 --> 00:18:07,503
I need to take a pill later.
412
00:18:07,538 --> 00:18:10,173
Oh, sorry, I guess I need
to be a little more to the left.
413
00:18:10,207 --> 00:18:12,308
A little more
to the left!
414
00:18:12,343 --> 00:18:14,777
Come on, Quagmire, you were
a Navy pilot for six years.
415
00:18:14,812 --> 00:18:16,012
Land this thing.
416
00:18:23,921 --> 00:18:26,356
Oh, Peter, that's new.
417
00:18:26,390 --> 00:18:28,224
Let me try.
418
00:18:28,258 --> 00:18:29,993
Eh, tired.
419
00:18:33,564 --> 00:18:35,098
Nothing seems to be
working, you guys.
420
00:18:35,132 --> 00:18:36,633
Is it gonna
be like this forever?
421
00:18:36,667 --> 00:18:37,800
Yes.
No.
422
00:18:37,835 --> 00:18:39,502
Yes.
423
00:18:39,536 --> 00:18:42,005
Hold on, Peter. You didn't start
having trouble in the bedroom
424
00:18:42,039 --> 00:18:43,339
until you lost
your job, right?
425
00:18:43,374 --> 00:18:44,474
Yeah, so?
426
00:18:44,508 --> 00:18:45,742
Well, that
explains it.
427
00:18:45,776 --> 00:18:47,243
I mean, you've been
completely emasculated
428
00:18:47,277 --> 00:18:48,911
because you're no longer
the breadwinner.
429
00:18:48,946 --> 00:18:50,179
What are you
getting at, Quagmire?
430
00:18:50,214 --> 00:18:51,314
There's only
one thing
431
00:18:51,348 --> 00:18:52,649
that's gonna restore
your masculinity.
432
00:18:52,683 --> 00:18:54,684
We got to get you
your old job back.
433
00:18:54,718 --> 00:18:57,053
It was a mistake for me
to ever take that promotion.
434
00:18:57,087 --> 00:18:58,221
Wait a minute.
435
00:18:58,255 --> 00:19:00,690
It was a mistake
giving you a promotion.
436
00:19:00,724 --> 00:19:02,558
Quagmire.
437
00:19:02,593 --> 00:19:04,427
I'm not following you.
438
00:19:07,331 --> 00:19:09,165
So, by promoting
an incompetent man,
439
00:19:09,199 --> 00:19:10,433
you were at fault.
440
00:19:10,467 --> 00:19:12,201
Nice try,
but I'm not the one
441
00:19:12,236 --> 00:19:13,870
who drove a forklift
into a conference room
442
00:19:13,904 --> 00:19:15,571
and sent two people
to the hospital.
443
00:19:15,606 --> 00:19:17,707
Come on, since
this man lost his job,
444
00:19:17,741 --> 00:19:19,075
he can't pleasure
his wife.
445
00:19:19,109 --> 00:19:20,543
Is that true?
446
00:19:20,577 --> 00:19:23,713
I-I have what the kids call
"maje wien probs."
447
00:19:23,747 --> 00:19:25,715
Angela, I really
need my job back.
448
00:19:25,749 --> 00:19:28,317
And I could stand here
and give you a big speech
449
00:19:28,352 --> 00:19:31,521
about second chances and promise
to work harder than ever before.
450
00:19:31,555 --> 00:19:34,457
And I could remind you that
one day you might be in my shoes
451
00:19:34,491 --> 00:19:36,192
and maybe you'll need
a second chance.
452
00:19:36,226 --> 00:19:37,427
But I'm not gonna do that.
453
00:19:37,461 --> 00:19:39,395
I'm gonna cash in
this coupon you gave me
454
00:19:39,430 --> 00:19:40,763
last Valentine's Day.
455
00:19:40,798 --> 00:19:44,000
"One Redo For Being Fired
For Gross Negligence."
456
00:19:44,034 --> 00:19:46,069
"And One Hug."
457
00:19:47,905 --> 00:19:49,939
The hug one is expired, Griffin.
458
00:19:51,308 --> 00:19:53,509
This one's for free.
459
00:19:53,577 --> 00:19:55,578
Welcome back, Griffin.
460
00:19:55,612 --> 00:19:56,813
Aw.
461
00:19:56,847 --> 00:19:57,980
Who's that?
462
00:19:58,015 --> 00:20:01,250
Oh, I hired a studio audience
to do your old job.
463
00:20:01,285 --> 00:20:02,518
You guys are fired.
464
00:20:02,553 --> 00:20:04,654
Aw.
465
00:20:12,463 --> 00:20:14,130
Peter, I can't
help you shake DVDs
466
00:20:14,164 --> 00:20:15,398
out of the Redbox again.
467
00:20:15,432 --> 00:20:17,033
I got in trouble last time.
468
00:20:17,067 --> 00:20:18,701
Now, go away, I'm working.
469
00:20:18,736 --> 00:20:22,438
You don't have to anymore,
because I got my old job back.
470
00:20:22,473 --> 00:20:24,474
Peter, I'm so proud of you.
471
00:20:24,508 --> 00:20:25,541
And you know what?
472
00:20:25,851 --> 00:20:28,219
Something else is
working now, too.
473
00:20:28,253 --> 00:20:29,286
Oh, my.
474
00:20:29,321 --> 00:20:30,354
Let's go home.
475
00:20:30,389 --> 00:20:32,623
No. I am gonna
do you right here
476
00:20:32,657 --> 00:20:35,359
on a stack
of pita bread.
477
00:20:35,394 --> 00:20:37,061
Oh, Peter.
478
00:20:37,095 --> 00:20:40,264
Yeah, the bread's all
soft and doughy, isn't it?
479
00:20:40,298 --> 00:20:42,033
And the inside of
the bag's always wet
480
00:20:42,067 --> 00:20:44,335
because those hairy
dummies put it in too hot.
481
00:20:49,279 --> 00:20:51,247
This is a cool place.
482
00:20:51,281 --> 00:20:56,281
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man