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00:00:00,652 --> 00:00:03,520
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
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00:00:03,961 --> 00:00:07,230
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
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00:00:07,264 --> 00:00:10,800
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
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00:00:10,834 --> 00:00:13,803
♪ On which we used to rely?
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♪ Lucky there's a family guy
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♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us
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♪ Laugh and cry
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♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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00:00:23,853 --> 00:00:27,853
♪ Family Guy 12x10 ♪
Grimm Job
Original Air Date on January 12, 2014
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00:00:27,854 --> 00:00:32,854
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
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Ah, this hunting trip
is long overdue.
13
00:00:38,429 --> 00:00:40,797
Yeah, I mean, it's just too bad
that all the-the animals
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00:00:40,831 --> 00:00:42,532
are so spread out, you know?
15
00:00:42,566 --> 00:00:44,526
I mean, wouldn't it
be awesome if-if they were all
16
00:00:44,535 --> 00:00:46,035
grouped together,
like in a cafeteria,
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00:00:46,070 --> 00:00:48,171
and you could just go in there
with a trench coat
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00:00:48,205 --> 00:00:49,405
and just waste them?
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00:00:49,440 --> 00:00:52,041
Well, maybe I can stir up
some quail or pheasant
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00:00:52,076 --> 00:00:54,310
with my patented
bird calls.
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00:00:54,345 --> 00:00:56,045
Birds! Quail! Pheasant!
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00:00:56,080 --> 00:00:57,613
Come on out!
23
00:00:57,648 --> 00:01:01,551
I'm a bird of the opposite sex
who's interested in mating!
24
00:01:01,585 --> 00:01:03,286
Did you hear that?
25
00:01:03,320 --> 00:01:04,654
We're gonna get laid!
26
00:01:04,688 --> 00:01:06,489
Billy, Billy, come on.
27
00:01:06,523 --> 00:01:08,224
Don't be stupid.
28
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Should've taken
the shot, fat-ass.
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Ah, ah, ow!
30
00:01:28,178 --> 00:01:30,413
Hey, Peter, you got
your safety on, right?
31
00:01:30,447 --> 00:01:31,681
Yeah, of course.
32
00:01:31,715 --> 00:01:33,349
Okay, 'cause your gun is
pointing right at me.
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00:01:33,384 --> 00:01:34,550
Well, you want me
to pull the trigger
34
00:01:34,585 --> 00:01:35,918
and prove it to you?
35
00:01:35,953 --> 00:01:37,754
No, I just want to make
sure your safety's on.
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00:01:37,755 --> 00:01:38,988
There. See, Quagmire?
37
00:01:39,022 --> 00:01:39,989
Safety's on.
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00:01:40,023 --> 00:01:41,991
Now this is a gun
without a safety.
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00:01:43,327 --> 00:01:44,367
Quite the difference, huh?
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00:01:44,395 --> 00:01:45,895
Damn it, Peter,
you son of a bitch!
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00:01:45,929 --> 00:01:46,896
You shot me!
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00:01:46,930 --> 00:01:48,131
Oh, my God, Peter!
43
00:01:48,165 --> 00:01:50,133
That might be the dumbest
thing you've ever done.
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00:01:50,167 --> 00:01:51,734
No, the dumbest
thing I ever did
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00:01:51,769 --> 00:01:53,603
was open that
can of whup-ass.
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00:01:58,409 --> 00:02:00,109
Lois, why did you buy this?!
47
00:02:00,144 --> 00:02:02,578
It was on sale!
48
00:02:06,450 --> 00:02:10,219
A writer who inherits
a magic typewriter
49
00:02:10,254 --> 00:02:12,555
that writes for him,
50
00:02:12,589 --> 00:02:16,526
but then it turns out
the typewriter is... racist?
51
00:02:16,560 --> 00:02:18,327
Totally makes sense.
52
00:02:18,362 --> 00:02:20,329
Older technology,
older world view.
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00:02:20,364 --> 00:02:22,298
And that is a good day.
54
00:02:22,332 --> 00:02:23,966
I earned some banana bread.
55
00:02:25,769 --> 00:02:26,736
Oh, crap.
56
00:02:26,770 --> 00:02:27,837
It's Dylan.
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00:02:27,871 --> 00:02:29,605
Dylan? Your son?
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00:02:29,640 --> 00:02:31,674
I haven't heard you
mention him in ages.
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00:02:31,708 --> 00:02:35,077
Yeah, I-I decided to step away
from the whole situation.
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00:02:35,112 --> 00:02:37,213
The last thing he needs
is a father who's,
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00:02:37,247 --> 00:02:39,382
you know, sometimes
there, sometimes not.
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00:02:39,416 --> 00:02:41,818
Really? When-when was the part
when you were there?
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00:02:41,852 --> 00:02:43,286
Hey, if I
click "ignore,"
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will he know that I'm
sending him to voice mail?
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00:02:45,088 --> 00:02:46,088
Hey, Dylan!
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00:02:46,123 --> 00:02:47,557
Hey, it's Stewie!
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00:02:47,591 --> 00:02:49,592
Yeah, I'm right here
with your dad!
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00:02:50,861 --> 00:02:52,728
Hey... hey, Dylan.
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00:02:52,763 --> 00:02:53,863
Hey, Dad!
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00:02:53,897 --> 00:02:55,297
I know we haven't
talked in a while,
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00:02:55,299 --> 00:02:57,600
but I'm calling because
I'm on my way to Quahog.
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00:02:57,634 --> 00:02:58,901
Oh, really?
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00:02:58,936 --> 00:03:00,570
W-When are you
getting here?
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00:03:00,604 --> 00:03:01,771
Tuesday...
Oh, don't say Tuesday!
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00:03:01,805 --> 00:03:04,073
Aw, aw, I'm at the...
I'm at the...
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00:03:04,107 --> 00:03:05,908
I'm out at
the project all day.
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00:03:05,943 --> 00:03:07,910
Aw, hands on,
indispensable.
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00:03:07,945 --> 00:03:10,346
They-they need me there,
so, wow.
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Rats. Bummer.
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00:03:12,115 --> 00:03:14,450
I can cover for you
at the project, Brian!
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00:03:14,485 --> 00:03:15,518
Go see your boy!
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00:03:15,552 --> 00:03:16,752
Dad, who's your coworker?
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00:03:16,787 --> 00:03:17,787
He sounds nice.
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00:03:17,821 --> 00:03:19,222
He's widely disliked
here, but, uh...
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00:03:19,256 --> 00:03:20,957
I'll meet you Tuesday
at the coffee shop.
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00:03:20,991 --> 00:03:22,792
Sounds great.
I'll see you then.
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Okay, b-bye.
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00:03:24,828 --> 00:03:26,529
See? Don't you feel better?
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00:03:26,563 --> 00:03:27,864
You're gonna go
to that lunch,
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00:03:27,898 --> 00:03:29,265
you're gonna reconnect
with your son.
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00:03:29,299 --> 00:03:30,266
It'll be great.
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00:03:30,300 --> 00:03:31,667
I don't know, Stewie.
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00:03:31,702 --> 00:03:33,269
Trust me, you should
take my advice.
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00:03:33,303 --> 00:03:35,137
I mean, I'm the guy
who told Michael Chiklis
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to wear tight shirts.
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00:03:36,773 --> 00:03:38,241
I'll tell you
anything you want,
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00:03:38,275 --> 00:03:39,909
just get your boob
out of my face!
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00:03:39,943 --> 00:03:42,512
You know the difference
between you and me, dirtbag?
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00:03:42,546 --> 00:03:46,516
No matter how muscular I get,
I will never be muscular.
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00:03:50,821 --> 00:03:52,555
Hey, Quagmire,
what's with the cast?
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00:03:52,589 --> 00:03:55,191
Did you hurt your arm after
I shot you in the arm?
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00:03:55,225 --> 00:03:56,993
The shooting was
the injury, Peter!
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00:03:57,027 --> 00:03:59,529
Look, I already said I was
sorry, like, a hundred times.
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00:03:59,563 --> 00:04:02,064
Oh, and before I forget,
I want my Huey Lewis CD back.
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00:04:02,099 --> 00:04:03,332
Well, I want a new drug.
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00:04:03,367 --> 00:04:04,700
Okay, at least
you've been using it.
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00:04:04,735 --> 00:04:05,868
But I want
it back, Peter.
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00:04:05,903 --> 00:04:06,869
This is it.
Ooh-ah.
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00:04:06,904 --> 00:04:08,225
Damn it, Peter,
just give it back.
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00:04:08,238 --> 00:04:10,506
I can't give it back.
I lost it in a poker game.
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00:04:10,541 --> 00:04:12,341
What?
I didn't think he could beat a two.
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00:04:12,376 --> 00:04:13,676
Where the hell
do you get off
113
00:04:13,710 --> 00:04:15,311
betting my CD
in a poker game?
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00:04:15,345 --> 00:04:16,879
I don't think
I like your tone.
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00:04:16,914 --> 00:04:19,882
W-What? You're-you're saying
I'm being the unreasonable one?!
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00:04:19,917 --> 00:04:21,384
Jeez, calm down,
you guys.
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00:04:21,418 --> 00:04:22,585
No, no, Joe, Joe, Joe,
118
00:04:22,619 --> 00:04:24,053
it's time somebody
said this to him.
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00:04:24,087 --> 00:04:26,589
Peter Griffin,
you are an idiot!
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00:04:26,623 --> 00:04:29,325
You can't even walk
and chew gum at the same time.
121
00:04:29,359 --> 00:04:31,294
Peter, come on!
122
00:04:31,328 --> 00:04:32,361
Walk over here.
123
00:04:33,597 --> 00:04:34,864
I'm doing something.
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00:04:34,898 --> 00:04:37,133
One thing at a time.
125
00:04:37,167 --> 00:04:38,301
Damn it, Peter, that's it!
126
00:04:38,335 --> 00:04:40,102
I am done!
I'm done with you!
127
00:04:40,137 --> 00:04:41,337
I'm done with
all your crap!
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00:04:41,371 --> 00:04:42,872
I never want to
speak to you again!
129
00:04:42,906 --> 00:04:44,473
This friendship is over!
130
00:04:44,508 --> 00:04:45,474
Well, fine!
131
00:04:45,509 --> 00:04:46,676
I don't need your friendship!
132
00:04:46,710 --> 00:04:47,944
I got other friends.
133
00:04:47,978 --> 00:04:49,845
I got my silent movie friends.
134
00:05:16,173 --> 00:05:18,174
Coming up, we'll meet
a Filipino man
135
00:05:18,208 --> 00:05:20,309
who actually has
a grown-up haircut.
136
00:05:20,344 --> 00:05:22,078
Hey, what are you
still doing here?
137
00:05:22,112 --> 00:05:24,013
Aren't you supposed to be
having lunch with Dylan?
138
00:05:24,047 --> 00:05:26,087
Yeah, you know, Stewie,
I've been thinking about it.
139
00:05:26,116 --> 00:05:28,084
And I haven't seen
him in years,
140
00:05:28,118 --> 00:05:30,219
and at this point,
I-I just don't see
141
00:05:30,253 --> 00:05:31,721
what could possibly
be gained
142
00:05:31,755 --> 00:05:32,989
from me getting
together with him.
143
00:05:33,023 --> 00:05:35,725
In entertainment news,
Hollywood comes to Quahog
144
00:05:35,759 --> 00:05:37,693
in the form of a new
Disney Channel show
145
00:05:37,728 --> 00:05:39,528
called Parent Boppers,
146
00:05:39,563 --> 00:05:41,197
about a group of
teen detectives.
147
00:05:41,231 --> 00:05:43,733
The show, set and filmed
right here in Rhode Island,
148
00:05:43,767 --> 00:05:47,570
stars local teen and
Irish trash Dylan Flannigan.
149
00:05:47,604 --> 00:05:49,038
Brian, did you hear that?
150
00:05:49,072 --> 00:05:51,340
Your son's gonna be a TV star!
151
00:05:51,375 --> 00:05:52,975
Brian?
152
00:05:56,146 --> 00:05:57,580
He's off to lunch, Meg.
153
00:05:57,614 --> 00:05:59,849
Oh, that dog o' mine!
154
00:05:59,883 --> 00:06:01,283
That's Mike Drunkbeater.
155
00:06:01,318 --> 00:06:02,551
Look it up on the Internet.
156
00:06:12,455 --> 00:06:16,091
Wow, my son Dylan
on a TV show.
157
00:06:16,125 --> 00:06:18,159
Funny how life
turns out, isn't it?
158
00:06:18,194 --> 00:06:20,395
You remember that weekend
we watched TV together?
159
00:06:20,429 --> 00:06:24,065
Boy, little did I know
how much that was gonna rub off.
160
00:06:24,100 --> 00:06:25,533
Did we watch
TV together?
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00:06:25,568 --> 00:06:27,702
Oh, probably.
But, wow, huh?
162
00:06:27,736 --> 00:06:29,104
And-and you know what's weird?
163
00:06:29,138 --> 00:06:31,673
You're on a show...
I'm a writer.
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00:06:31,707 --> 00:06:33,942
It's-it's almost like
the universe is trying to...
165
00:06:33,976 --> 00:06:35,443
...I don't know,
166
00:06:35,478 --> 00:06:37,445
make us work together
or something, I don't know.
167
00:06:37,480 --> 00:06:40,181
You... you want
a job on my show?
168
00:06:40,216 --> 00:06:41,950
Hey, hey, don't put
the universe's words
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00:06:41,984 --> 00:06:43,184
in my mouth, okay?
170
00:06:43,219 --> 00:06:44,686
I don't know, Dad.
171
00:06:44,720 --> 00:06:46,621
I've-I've barely seen you
in the past few years.
172
00:06:46,655 --> 00:06:48,490
So, what better way
to reconnect
173
00:06:48,524 --> 00:06:50,158
than by working
together every day?
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00:06:50,192 --> 00:06:51,726
Well, I suppose
I could talk to them,
175
00:06:51,760 --> 00:06:52,894
see if they'd
go for it.
176
00:06:52,928 --> 00:06:53,895
Why wouldn't they?
177
00:06:53,929 --> 00:06:55,130
I-I mean,
it wouldn't be
178
00:06:55,164 --> 00:06:56,965
the craziest idea
in show business.
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00:06:56,999 --> 00:06:57,966
When I grow up,
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00:06:58,000 --> 00:06:59,834
I want to stick my head
through a circle
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00:06:59,869 --> 00:07:01,803
at the beginning
of movies and roar.
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00:07:03,939 --> 00:07:06,875
What's up now, bitches?!
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00:07:10,312 --> 00:07:12,814
We now return to
Saving Private Ryan,
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00:07:12,848 --> 00:07:14,549
brought to you without
commercial interruption
185
00:07:14,583 --> 00:07:16,017
by Mazda.
186
00:07:23,125 --> 00:07:26,995
Shh, shh, shh,
shh, shh, shh.
187
00:07:28,831 --> 00:07:30,865
Zoom zoom.
188
00:07:36,305 --> 00:07:38,573
Hey, Jerome, can you
clear out my booth?
189
00:07:38,607 --> 00:07:40,875
Looks like somebody
left their trash here.
190
00:07:40,910 --> 00:07:43,144
Jerome, can you tell
that
191
00:07:43,179 --> 00:07:44,479
to get
the hell out of here
192
00:07:44,513 --> 00:07:46,114
before I
kick him in the face?
193
00:07:46,148 --> 00:07:48,650
Peter, why don't you just sit
in that booth over there?
194
00:07:48,684 --> 00:07:51,252
Oh, man, that's where the
after-work secretaries sit.
195
00:07:53,155 --> 00:07:55,089
What about Mr. Demerson?
Is he single?
196
00:07:55,124 --> 00:07:56,658
I... I-I don't know.
197
00:07:56,692 --> 00:07:58,426
What about Mr. Adelaide?
Is he single?
198
00:07:58,460 --> 00:07:59,961
I don't know
who that is.
199
00:07:59,995 --> 00:08:01,763
Well, who do you know
who is single?
200
00:08:01,797 --> 00:08:03,765
Uh, I'm assuming you.
201
00:08:03,799 --> 00:08:05,433
Oh-oh, hey, look! Cake!
202
00:08:08,337 --> 00:08:10,371
Hey, Joe!
Hey, Joe, I'm over here!
203
00:08:10,406 --> 00:08:11,606
Joe! Joe!
Come sit with me!
204
00:08:11,640 --> 00:08:13,107
Come on, you guys.
205
00:08:13,142 --> 00:08:14,842
Joe, I got a box of
salt water taffies,
206
00:08:14,877 --> 00:08:16,010
and you can have two.
207
00:08:16,045 --> 00:08:17,178
Joe, I got
a deck of cards
208
00:08:17,213 --> 00:08:18,513
you can put in your
wheels to look cool.
209
00:08:18,547 --> 00:08:20,615
Joe, I'll do the wavy
stomach for you.
210
00:08:20,649 --> 00:08:22,784
Looks like a real wave.
211
00:08:22,818 --> 00:08:24,552
Joe, I can scream
your name real loud!
212
00:08:24,587 --> 00:08:27,121
Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe!
213
00:08:27,156 --> 00:08:28,256
I can yell it louder!
214
00:08:28,290 --> 00:08:30,792
Joe! Joe! Joe!
215
00:08:30,826 --> 00:08:34,262
Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe!
Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe!
216
00:08:34,296 --> 00:08:36,197
What the hell
is going on here?!
217
00:08:36,232 --> 00:08:37,999
I'm in there trying
to take a leak!
218
00:08:38,033 --> 00:08:39,567
What, you think
I'm here to amuse you?
219
00:08:39,602 --> 00:08:41,769
You made me dribble
on my Bruno Maglis
220
00:08:41,804 --> 00:08:43,805
turning to see
who's calling my name!
221
00:08:43,839 --> 00:08:45,740
Joe Pesci thought we were
talking to him
222
00:08:45,774 --> 00:08:47,408
'cause his name is Joe.
223
00:08:47,443 --> 00:08:50,278
Oh, you don't know who
Joe Pesci is, 'cause you're 14.
224
00:08:50,312 --> 00:08:53,982
You see, in the '90s,
this was a tough guy.
225
00:08:59,788 --> 00:09:01,723
Hey, multiracial
group of friends,
226
00:09:01,757 --> 00:09:03,124
you want to hang out?
227
00:09:03,158 --> 00:09:04,792
Cut! That's a five.
228
00:09:04,827 --> 00:09:07,128
Tell my assistant I fell asleep
with a condom on again,
229
00:09:07,162 --> 00:09:09,030
and to bring scissors
to my trailer.
230
00:09:11,467 --> 00:09:13,401
All right, guys,
before we begin today,
231
00:09:13,435 --> 00:09:16,437
I want to introduce our newest
staff writer, Brian Griffin.
232
00:09:16,472 --> 00:09:17,472
Hi, guys.
233
00:09:17,506 --> 00:09:19,307
Yes, I am that Brian Griffin.
234
00:09:19,341 --> 00:09:22,443
You probably have my novel,
but just so you know, in here,
235
00:09:22,478 --> 00:09:24,579
I'm just one of
the guys, all right?
236
00:09:24,613 --> 00:09:26,547
You have my novel, right?
237
00:09:26,582 --> 00:09:27,749
Nope? No?
238
00:09:27,783 --> 00:09:29,384
You got it, though.
Nope?
239
00:09:29,418 --> 00:09:30,485
You got it?
240
00:09:30,519 --> 00:09:32,353
Nope, nobody's got it.
241
00:09:32,388 --> 00:09:33,688
All right.
242
00:09:33,722 --> 00:09:35,456
Okay, so we got to
come up with a story
243
00:09:35,491 --> 00:09:36,457
for next week's episode.
244
00:09:36,492 --> 00:09:37,692
How about we do one
245
00:09:37,726 --> 00:09:39,193
where DJ gets his
driver's license?
246
00:09:39,228 --> 00:09:40,795
That could work.
I don't think we've done that.
247
00:09:40,829 --> 00:09:41,796
Love that idea.
248
00:09:41,830 --> 00:09:42,997
No, no, no.
249
00:09:43,032 --> 00:09:45,033
Guys, guys, come on,
where's the STWISTUSION?
250
00:09:46,235 --> 00:09:47,969
Really?
Really?
251
00:09:48,003 --> 00:09:49,604
I'm the only guy here
who's heard of that?
252
00:09:49,638 --> 00:09:52,640
Stakes, twists, conclusion--
STWISTUSION.
253
00:09:52,675 --> 00:09:54,208
That sounds made up.
254
00:09:54,243 --> 00:09:56,377
Let me ask you something:
are you afraid right now?
255
00:09:56,412 --> 00:09:57,712
What? No.
256
00:09:57,746 --> 00:09:58,913
That's what's wrong.
257
00:09:58,947 --> 00:10:00,515
You should be, you know?
258
00:10:00,549 --> 00:10:01,783
Art is scary.
259
00:10:01,817 --> 00:10:02,884
This is writing, man.
260
00:10:02,918 --> 00:10:04,252
The viewer wants to be raped.
261
00:10:04,286 --> 00:10:07,088
Are you saying my nine-year-old
daughter wants to be raped?
262
00:10:07,122 --> 00:10:09,023
Now you're asking
the right questions.
263
00:10:09,058 --> 00:10:11,959
Now you're being creative,
thinking outside the box.
264
00:10:11,994 --> 00:10:14,762
Take what you think you know
and go a different way with it.
265
00:10:14,797 --> 00:10:17,398
Like-like, for instance,
what if the daughter in Taken
266
00:10:17,433 --> 00:10:19,434
was Zooey Deschanel?
267
00:10:19,468 --> 00:10:21,703
Send me her head.
268
00:10:25,274 --> 00:10:27,575
Peter, Quagmire, I've
called you here today
269
00:10:27,609 --> 00:10:29,277
because this
has got to stop.
270
00:10:29,311 --> 00:10:31,579
The petty vying
for my attention,
271
00:10:31,613 --> 00:10:34,549
the late-night phone
calls, the attack ads.
272
00:10:34,583 --> 00:10:36,551
Glenn Quagmire claims to be
273
00:10:36,585 --> 00:10:38,019
Joe Swanson's good friend.
274
00:10:38,053 --> 00:10:41,389
But would a "good friend"
not return a leaf blower
275
00:10:41,423 --> 00:10:44,292
for four months
during the leafy season?
276
00:10:44,326 --> 00:10:45,460
I'm Peter Griffin,
277
00:10:45,494 --> 00:10:47,762
and I broke into a news station
to make this.
278
00:10:47,796 --> 00:10:49,097
Hey, who's that guy?
279
00:10:51,967 --> 00:10:55,002
Well, look, you guys have
given me no alternative.
280
00:10:55,037 --> 00:10:56,637
I have to choose
one of you.
281
00:10:56,672 --> 00:10:57,739
So I choose Quagmire.
282
00:10:57,773 --> 00:10:59,273
What?!
Suck it!
283
00:10:59,308 --> 00:11:00,508
I'm sorry, Peter,
284
00:11:00,542 --> 00:11:01,976
it's just that
Quagmire's been there
285
00:11:02,010 --> 00:11:03,644
for me in some
pretty dark days.
286
00:11:03,679 --> 00:11:06,147
And he's been a wonderful
godfather to Susie.
287
00:11:07,216 --> 00:11:08,983
There she is,
my little Susie-woozie!
288
00:11:10,519 --> 00:11:13,087
I love Susie more!
Come here, Susie!
289
00:11:13,122 --> 00:11:15,590
Uncle Peter's gonna
give you a raspberry.
290
00:11:17,626 --> 00:11:20,762
Peter, that's not
where you do a raspberry.
291
00:11:20,796 --> 00:11:23,164
I closed my eyes too early.
292
00:11:23,198 --> 00:11:25,133
I think it's best
if you leave.
293
00:11:25,167 --> 00:11:26,467
Oh, yeah?
294
00:11:26,502 --> 00:11:28,736
Well, maybe I'll hang out
with my godson, Kevin.
295
00:11:28,771 --> 00:11:30,304
Get out!
296
00:11:30,339 --> 00:11:32,440
He was masturbating
with a knife.
297
00:11:36,478 --> 00:11:38,346
We're rolling!
298
00:11:38,380 --> 00:11:41,482
My stupid parents want me
to wear a bike helmet.
299
00:11:41,517 --> 00:11:43,084
Parents are lame.
300
00:11:43,118 --> 00:11:45,119
Hold on, other kids.
Maybe they just recognize
301
00:11:45,154 --> 00:11:47,388
that nothing can protect us
from the tedium
302
00:11:47,423 --> 00:11:48,890
of our mundane lives.
303
00:11:48,924 --> 00:11:51,392
Aren't we all on bikes
without helmets?
304
00:11:51,427 --> 00:11:54,128
Sometimes I just want
to put this gun in my mouth.
305
00:11:54,163 --> 00:11:57,265
Cut! Your line is
"That's right, Cameron."
306
00:11:57,299 --> 00:11:59,267
I know. My dad wrote
that one for me.
307
00:11:59,301 --> 00:12:00,468
Again with this?
308
00:12:00,502 --> 00:12:02,136
Yesterday, you had
Dakota give herself
309
00:12:02,171 --> 00:12:05,039
an abdomen-punch abortion during
her volleyball tournament.
310
00:12:05,073 --> 00:12:07,008
Hey, seventh grade
can be hell.
311
00:12:07,042 --> 00:12:08,176
Brian, you're fired.
312
00:12:08,210 --> 00:12:09,177
Wait, what?!
313
00:12:09,211 --> 00:12:10,611
Sorry, Brian,
but you're done.
314
00:12:10,646 --> 00:12:13,581
Oh, come on! You can't fire a
writer in the middle of a show!
315
00:12:13,615 --> 00:12:15,016
That would be like
a doctor leaving
316
00:12:15,050 --> 00:12:16,350
in the middle
of a surgery!
317
00:12:17,553 --> 00:12:18,986
Help!
318
00:12:19,021 --> 00:12:21,556
I'm supposed to have surgery,
but my doctor disappeared.
319
00:12:21,590 --> 00:12:24,826
Okay, Josh, this is the shot
you've been waiting for.
320
00:12:27,663 --> 00:12:29,397
Okay, Derek,
this is the shot
321
00:12:29,431 --> 00:12:31,132
you've been waiting for.
322
00:12:33,035 --> 00:12:34,402
Dylan, Dylan,
there you are!
323
00:12:34,436 --> 00:12:36,003
Listen, you can't
let them fire me!
324
00:12:36,038 --> 00:12:37,338
You're the star
of the show!
325
00:12:37,372 --> 00:12:39,907
Dad, believe me, I want
you to work here with me,
326
00:12:39,942 --> 00:12:41,676
but you can't keep
doing things like that.
327
00:12:41,710 --> 00:12:43,144
And they know
you took those cases
328
00:12:43,178 --> 00:12:44,579
of Diet Coke
home last night.
329
00:12:44,613 --> 00:12:46,214
I thought they were
anybody's Diet Coke!
330
00:12:46,248 --> 00:12:47,715
They're for work!
I work at home!
331
00:12:47,749 --> 00:12:49,984
Oh, hey, by the way, are we all
getting those backpacks
332
00:12:50,018 --> 00:12:51,586
with the name
of the show on them?
333
00:12:51,620 --> 00:12:52,920
You know what, Dad?
334
00:12:52,955 --> 00:12:54,635
I'm starting to think
that you've just been
335
00:12:54,656 --> 00:12:56,724
using me to advance
your career!
336
00:12:56,758 --> 00:12:59,026
God! You're
a terrible father!
337
00:12:59,061 --> 00:13:01,095
I never want to
see you again!
338
00:13:03,799 --> 00:13:05,099
My God, he's right.
339
00:13:05,133 --> 00:13:08,236
I am a terrible father.
340
00:13:51,465 --> 00:13:53,333
Brian, do you
know where...
341
00:13:53,367 --> 00:13:55,335
What the hell
are you drinking?
342
00:13:55,369 --> 00:13:57,270
Is that Rite Aid-
brand whiskey?
343
00:13:58,639 --> 00:14:01,908
Stewie, I just feel so awful
about what happened with Dylan.
344
00:14:01,942 --> 00:14:04,577
I mean, every terrible thing
he said about me is true.
345
00:14:04,612 --> 00:14:06,312
Well, you're
a terrible guy, Bri.
346
00:14:06,347 --> 00:14:09,449
I think being a paid writer
again just went to my head.
347
00:14:09,483 --> 00:14:12,485
I mean, I just... I can't
believe I was so selfish.
348
00:14:12,519 --> 00:14:15,054
It's-it's like Dylan just held
a mirror up to me,
349
00:14:15,089 --> 00:14:18,391
and I could finally see how
poorly I'd been treating him.
350
00:14:18,425 --> 00:14:21,361
I guess I didn't realize how
lucky I was to have Dylan back
351
00:14:21,395 --> 00:14:24,597
in my life until I lost him
all over again.
352
00:14:24,632 --> 00:14:25,932
Well, maybe you
should just apologize.
353
00:14:25,966 --> 00:14:27,100
I tried to.
354
00:14:27,134 --> 00:14:29,903
I mean, I texted him
"S-R-Y frowny face."
355
00:14:29,937 --> 00:14:33,072
I mean, he knows that I'm sorry
and that I'm sad.
356
00:14:34,441 --> 00:14:36,776
What are you guys
doing up so early?
357
00:14:36,810 --> 00:14:37,877
What-what are we...
358
00:14:37,912 --> 00:14:39,245
Where have you been?
359
00:14:39,280 --> 00:14:42,282
Well, I certainly wasn't
at the Shriners' convention.
360
00:14:44,485 --> 00:14:45,752
You know what
I think, Brian?
361
00:14:45,786 --> 00:14:47,687
I think you've got to
get down to that set
362
00:14:47,721 --> 00:14:49,856
and apologize
face-to-face.
363
00:14:49,890 --> 00:14:51,324
You're right.
364
00:14:51,358 --> 00:14:54,494
I just... I hope he's willing
to hear me out, you know?
365
00:14:54,528 --> 00:14:56,396
I'm the worst father ever.
366
00:14:56,430 --> 00:14:58,798
I'm even worse than
Marvin Gaye's dad.
367
00:14:58,832 --> 00:15:00,400
Happy Father's Day, Dad.
368
00:15:00,434 --> 00:15:03,670
Marvin, if this another
tie, I'm gonna kill you.
369
00:15:13,180 --> 00:15:16,249
Well, looks like it's just
you and me, shadow.
370
00:15:18,552 --> 00:15:20,186
Shadow!
371
00:15:25,392 --> 00:15:27,493
Oh, hey, is, uh...
is Dylan back here?
372
00:15:27,528 --> 00:15:29,829
Sorry, Brian, Dylan says he
doesn't want to see you anymore.
373
00:15:29,863 --> 00:15:31,464
We're not allowed
to let you in.
374
00:15:31,498 --> 00:15:33,299
Well, you know what?
I'm sorry, too.
375
00:15:33,334 --> 00:15:35,568
For what?
For this!
376
00:15:37,438 --> 00:15:39,472
Yeah, you know, you probably
would've had a better shot
377
00:15:39,506 --> 00:15:40,807
if you hadn't yelled
"For this!"
378
00:15:40,841 --> 00:15:42,175
You know,
that-that kind of telegraphed
379
00:15:42,209 --> 00:15:43,509
what you were gonna do.
380
00:15:43,544 --> 00:15:44,811
Ah, Stewie,
it's no use.
381
00:15:44,845 --> 00:15:46,746
They're never
gonna let us in.
382
00:15:46,780 --> 00:15:48,648
Well, maybe
you can't get in,
383
00:15:48,682 --> 00:15:51,150
but I think I know
someone who can.
384
00:15:53,554 --> 00:15:54,921
Zac Sawyer?
385
00:15:54,955 --> 00:15:57,357
I'm Zac Sawyer. Say "when."
386
00:15:57,391 --> 00:15:58,624
Acting.
387
00:15:58,659 --> 00:16:02,595
Singing: pop, classical,
light opera, Italian.
388
00:16:02,629 --> 00:16:06,065
Dancing: classical, tap, jazz.
389
00:16:06,100 --> 00:16:08,601
Horse riding.
Can I? Yes.
390
00:16:08,635 --> 00:16:10,436
Accents: 13.
391
00:16:10,471 --> 00:16:12,505
South American, South African,
392
00:16:12,539 --> 00:16:14,807
British upper class,
British Cockney.
393
00:16:14,842 --> 00:16:16,943
"What, Govnah?"
Somebody gonna stop me?
394
00:16:16,977 --> 00:16:18,544
Fencing, nunchucks.
395
00:16:18,579 --> 00:16:21,314
Driving?
Yes. Automatic and standard...
396
00:16:21,348 --> 00:16:22,715
Okay, okay. Wow.
397
00:16:22,750 --> 00:16:23,916
You're the worst.
398
00:16:23,951 --> 00:16:25,718
Welcome aboard.
399
00:16:29,423 --> 00:16:33,526
We now return to The
Love Boat with Somali Pirates.
400
00:16:33,560 --> 00:16:35,228
I am the captain now.
401
00:16:35,262 --> 00:16:36,796
Well, okay,
but that means
402
00:16:36,830 --> 00:16:39,532
you're in charge of getting
Mr. Devlin to admit
403
00:16:39,566 --> 00:16:41,034
that after 30 years,
404
00:16:41,068 --> 00:16:43,970
he still loves
Mrs. Devlin very much.
405
00:16:44,004 --> 00:16:46,472
That is not the captain's
responsibility!
406
00:16:46,507 --> 00:16:48,508
Well, maybe not where
you come from,
407
00:16:48,542 --> 00:16:50,343
but here on
the Love Boat...
408
00:16:51,678 --> 00:16:54,647
Now, who is Mr. Devlin?
409
00:16:54,681 --> 00:16:57,950
Try skinny-dipping with her
like when you were kids.
410
00:16:57,985 --> 00:16:59,919
Hey, Lois, if I was
gonna kill myself,
411
00:16:59,953 --> 00:17:02,488
do I slit my wrists
this way or this way?
412
00:17:02,523 --> 00:17:04,924
Sideways for attention,
long way for results!
413
00:17:04,958 --> 00:17:05,925
Meg is right.
414
00:17:05,959 --> 00:17:07,393
Okay, I'll be in
the garage.
415
00:17:07,428 --> 00:17:08,861
Peter, put that knife down.
416
00:17:08,896 --> 00:17:10,363
Lois, I don't
have any friends!
417
00:17:10,397 --> 00:17:11,564
So I'm gonna kill myself
418
00:17:11,598 --> 00:17:13,566
and get a full page
in the yearbook.
419
00:17:13,600 --> 00:17:15,301
Then they can't
ignore me.
420
00:17:15,335 --> 00:17:16,369
Who's that?
421
00:17:16,403 --> 00:17:18,004
I don't know.
422
00:17:21,942 --> 00:17:24,410
Okay, Zac, remember,
your character's name
423
00:17:24,445 --> 00:17:25,578
is Tevin Ashe-Taylor.
424
00:17:25,612 --> 00:17:27,413
You surf
and enjoy surfing.
425
00:17:27,448 --> 00:17:29,549
In this scene,
DJ Slopes is thinking
426
00:17:29,583 --> 00:17:31,050
of quitting
the detective agency,
427
00:17:31,085 --> 00:17:32,552
and you're like,
"No way."
428
00:17:32,586 --> 00:17:33,853
Got it.
429
00:17:34,988 --> 00:17:36,122
We're rolling!
430
00:17:36,156 --> 00:17:38,324
Listen, Tevin, I think
I just need more time
431
00:17:38,358 --> 00:17:39,859
to focus
on my snowboarding
432
00:17:39,893 --> 00:17:41,627
and Web series
about energy drinks.
433
00:17:41,662 --> 00:17:43,863
No, man, you got to stay
in the detective agency.
434
00:17:43,897 --> 00:17:46,299
It's what your dad
would want.
435
00:17:46,333 --> 00:17:48,267
What?
What are you talking about?
436
00:17:48,302 --> 00:17:49,735
What the hell's
that new kid doing?
437
00:17:49,770 --> 00:17:50,870
This isn't in the script.
438
00:17:50,904 --> 00:17:52,371
I'm talking about your dad, DJ.
439
00:17:52,406 --> 00:17:54,207
He sent me here with a message.
440
00:17:54,241 --> 00:17:57,210
He said he can't believe
he was so selfish.
441
00:17:57,244 --> 00:17:59,278
It's like you held
a mirror up to him
442
00:17:59,313 --> 00:18:02,482
and he could finally see how
poorly he'd been treating you.
443
00:18:02,516 --> 00:18:04,784
He didn't realize how lucky
he was...
444
00:18:04,818 --> 00:18:06,586
Stay on me,
camera one.
445
00:18:06,620 --> 00:18:08,788
...to have you
back in his life,
446
00:18:08,822 --> 00:18:12,191
and now he feels like
he's lost you all over again.
447
00:18:12,226 --> 00:18:15,328
But how do I know
he won't just hurt me again?
448
00:18:15,362 --> 00:18:17,463
You don't. You never know that.
449
00:18:17,498 --> 00:18:21,334
But isn't taking a risk
better than not having a dad?
450
00:18:21,368 --> 00:18:23,536
Yeah, I guess
you're right.
451
00:18:23,570 --> 00:18:26,038
You're damn right I am.
452
00:18:26,073 --> 00:18:27,406
Cut!
453
00:18:27,441 --> 00:18:29,575
You know, I don't know
where any of that came from,
454
00:18:29,610 --> 00:18:30,576
but I liked it.
455
00:18:30,611 --> 00:18:31,677
Who are you?
456
00:18:31,712 --> 00:18:33,279
I'm Zac Sawyer.
457
00:18:33,313 --> 00:18:35,081
And I go where I'm needed.
458
00:18:35,115 --> 00:18:39,852
♪ Here I go again on my own
459
00:18:39,887 --> 00:18:44,190
♪ Going down the only road
I've ever known. ♪
460
00:18:44,224 --> 00:18:45,758
Where you headed?
461
00:18:45,792 --> 00:18:47,193
Wherever I'm needed.
462
00:18:47,227 --> 00:18:48,961
No, no, it does
not work like that.
463
00:18:48,996 --> 00:18:50,696
I need to put
address in machine.
464
00:18:50,731 --> 00:18:53,132
Okay, maybe, you can
just take me home then.
465
00:18:53,167 --> 00:18:54,133
Where is home?
466
00:18:54,168 --> 00:18:55,568
I-I don't know.
467
00:18:55,602 --> 00:18:57,270
It's-it's my mom
and dad's house,
468
00:18:57,304 --> 00:18:58,871
but I don't
know the address!
469
00:18:58,906 --> 00:19:00,072
I take you airport.
470
00:19:00,107 --> 00:19:00,607
Okay!
471
00:19:04,978 --> 00:19:07,647
All right, Quagmire, I have
given this a lot of thought.
472
00:19:07,681 --> 00:19:09,782
I need you to shoot me
in the arm
473
00:19:09,816 --> 00:19:11,217
so we can be friends again.
474
00:19:11,251 --> 00:19:12,952
Okay.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
475
00:19:12,986 --> 00:19:14,387
No, no, I was supposed
to offer,
476
00:19:14,421 --> 00:19:16,389
and then you were supposed
to say, "No, Peter,
477
00:19:16,423 --> 00:19:17,590
"I'm not gonna shoot you,
478
00:19:17,624 --> 00:19:19,058
although I do appreciate
the gesture."
479
00:19:19,092 --> 00:19:20,626
Hand me the gun, Peter.
480
00:19:20,661 --> 00:19:23,129
I, uh... I passed the test?
481
00:19:23,163 --> 00:19:25,898
No, Peter. I'm gonna shoot you
like a dirty animal.
482
00:19:25,933 --> 00:19:27,099
But-but just the fact
483
00:19:27,134 --> 00:19:29,335
that I would make the offer
is so meaningful to you.
484
00:19:29,369 --> 00:19:30,469
Your offer means
nothing, Peter.
485
00:19:30,504 --> 00:19:31,871
The only thing that
means anything to me
486
00:19:31,905 --> 00:19:33,606
is a bullet in your arm.
Now give me that!
487
00:19:33,640 --> 00:19:34,941
Stop! Stop!
Quagmire, let go!
488
00:19:34,975 --> 00:19:36,309
Come on! You're not leaving
here without being shot!
489
00:19:36,343 --> 00:19:37,677
Look, I was trying
to do the decent thing,
490
00:19:37,711 --> 00:19:38,945
like you'd see in a movie!
491
00:19:38,979 --> 00:19:40,179
I'm putting that bullet
in your arm, Peter!
492
00:19:40,214 --> 00:19:41,914
Ah! Son of a bitch!
493
00:19:41,949 --> 00:19:44,083
It's over.
We're all friends again.
494
00:19:44,117 --> 00:19:45,318
What the hell, Joe?!
495
00:19:45,352 --> 00:19:46,819
I'm just trying
to settle this nonsense.
496
00:19:46,853 --> 00:19:48,087
Nothing got settled!
You shot him!
497
00:19:48,121 --> 00:19:49,755
I'm the one who
has to shoot him!
498
00:19:49,790 --> 00:19:52,325
Wait a second. All right, then
I get to shoot Joe, all right?
499
00:19:52,359 --> 00:19:56,562
He shot me! I mean, if we're
doing things fair here, then...
500
00:19:56,597 --> 00:19:58,764
All right, we're good.
501
00:20:03,804 --> 00:20:04,770
Hey, Dad.
502
00:20:04,805 --> 00:20:05,771
Dylan?
503
00:20:05,806 --> 00:20:07,106
I went to your house,
504
00:20:07,140 --> 00:20:08,808
and Chris told me
you'd be here.
505
00:20:08,842 --> 00:20:11,544
Look, Dylan, I-I'm really sorry
I hurt you.
506
00:20:11,578 --> 00:20:15,047
I've been a really bad father,
like Ernest Hemmingway
507
00:20:15,082 --> 00:20:16,349
or-or some other great writer.
508
00:20:16,383 --> 00:20:18,117
But if-if you'll give me
a chance,
509
00:20:18,151 --> 00:20:20,147
I-I'd like
to try to change that.
510
00:20:20,148 --> 00:20:22,049
I'd like that, too, Dad.
511
00:20:34,829 --> 00:20:37,798
Peter, I'm so glad you patched
things up with your friends.
512
00:20:37,832 --> 00:20:40,775
Have I told you
that we're all friends again?
513
00:20:40,776 --> 00:20:43,365
Yes, Peter, we were just
talking about it.
514
00:20:43,366 --> 00:20:47,129
They're gonna take me
to the zoo and roll me around.
515
00:20:48,378 --> 00:20:50,346
We're all friends again.
516
00:20:50,380 --> 00:20:55,380
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man