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♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
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00:00:04,826 --> 00:00:08,229
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
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00:00:08,263 --> 00:00:11,666
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
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♪ On which we used to rely?
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♪ Lucky there's a family guy
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♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us
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♪ Laugh and cry
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♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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♪ Family Guy 12x12 ♪
Mom's the Word
Original Air Date on March 9, 2014
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00:00:30,049 --> 00:00:34,049
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
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Peter, what are you doing?
13
00:00:36,725 --> 00:00:38,326
I'm watching this
awesome show, Brian.
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00:00:38,360 --> 00:00:40,494
See, they took all these colors
and they're making 'em
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00:00:40,529 --> 00:00:42,196
all live together
in a beach house.
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00:00:42,230 --> 00:00:44,732
Now the red one is sleeping
with the green one.
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00:00:44,766 --> 00:00:47,268
And the blue one thinks he's
gonna have a career in music.
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00:00:47,302 --> 00:00:49,270
And the yellow one
is just a total bitch.
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00:00:49,304 --> 00:00:51,806
Peter, that's just a channel
that's gone off the air.
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00:00:51,840 --> 00:00:53,274
And we'll be right back with
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00:00:53,308 --> 00:00:56,744
more Color Bar Beach House
after these messages.
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00:00:56,778 --> 00:00:57,578
Oh.
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00:00:57,613 --> 00:00:58,879
Peter, for God's sake,
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00:00:58,914 --> 00:01:01,115
did you eat this entire
roll of raw cookie dough?
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00:01:01,149 --> 00:01:02,283
Oh, is that what that was?
26
00:01:02,317 --> 00:01:03,985
I thought it was
a raisin sausage.
27
00:01:04,019 --> 00:01:05,653
Peter, you're gonna get sick.
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00:01:05,687 --> 00:01:07,888
You can't just eat raw food
out of the fridge.
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00:01:07,923 --> 00:01:10,191
Eh, calm down,
people make mistakes.
30
00:01:10,225 --> 00:01:13,227
Just look at the original design
for the first hybrid car.
31
00:01:13,261 --> 00:01:15,396
Eric, we love the car.
32
00:01:15,430 --> 00:01:17,264
We only want to
change one thing.
33
00:01:17,299 --> 00:01:18,633
Is it the "rapist" sign?
34
00:01:18,667 --> 00:01:20,201
Yes, it is the "rapist" sign.
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00:01:20,235 --> 00:01:21,402
I quit.
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00:01:24,439 --> 00:01:27,241
So, as you can see,
our quarterly output is up
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00:01:27,275 --> 00:01:28,676
one and a half percent.
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00:01:28,710 --> 00:01:31,178
That's not net,
I'm talking gross.
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You do everything gross.
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00:01:36,218 --> 00:01:40,021
Stupid boring meeting.
I don't even want to be here.
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00:01:40,055 --> 00:01:43,290
I'd rather be home, doing
dramatic garage door reveals.
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00:02:02,310 --> 00:02:04,945
And that gets us through
all projections...
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00:02:06,314 --> 00:02:07,114
What was that?
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00:02:08,517 --> 00:02:10,251
Ah, that doesn't feel right.
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00:02:10,285 --> 00:02:12,953
Ah, man, I think that cookie
dough is fighting that taco
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00:02:12,988 --> 00:02:14,655
I found in the parking lot.
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00:02:14,690 --> 00:02:17,158
I just hope I can hold it in
until the meeting's over.
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00:02:17,192 --> 00:02:21,162
And now, 23 minutes of silence
for the 23 workers
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00:02:21,196 --> 00:02:23,831
who drowned in
the vats this year.
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00:02:25,100 --> 00:02:26,734
Oh, God, it hurts.
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00:02:26,768 --> 00:02:27,568
It hurts.
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00:02:27,602 --> 00:02:29,070
Of course it hurts, Griffin.
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00:02:29,104 --> 00:02:31,238
They were good men,
all of them.
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00:02:31,273 --> 00:02:32,406
I can't hold it in!
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00:02:32,441 --> 00:02:34,308
You don't have to, Griffin!
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Let it out!
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00:02:35,410 --> 00:02:37,144
That's what we're here for.
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00:02:37,179 --> 00:02:39,380
This was supposed to be
23 minutes of silence
59
00:02:39,414 --> 00:02:41,482
and there's kind of a lot of
conversation going on.
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00:02:43,018 --> 00:02:45,519
Hey, Peter, my kid's selling
Girl Scout cookies and--
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00:02:45,554 --> 00:02:47,288
We're collecting for
Janet's pregnancy--
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00:02:47,322 --> 00:02:49,390
Softball sign-up--
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00:02:49,424 --> 00:02:50,624
Trick or treat for UNICEF--
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00:02:50,659 --> 00:02:52,193
Pitch in for Ed's
retirement cake?
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00:02:52,227 --> 00:02:53,461
Holiday party?
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00:02:53,495 --> 00:02:54,662
Whoa...!
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00:02:54,696 --> 00:02:55,656
Company picnic--
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00:02:55,664 --> 00:02:56,630
Secret Santa--
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00:02:56,665 --> 00:02:57,431
Carpool info--
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00:02:58,900 --> 00:03:01,068
Ah, finally, now I can
get myself to the--
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00:03:05,006 --> 00:03:06,607
Uh-oh...!
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00:03:10,579 --> 00:03:13,514
Ah, man, now everyone's gonna
remember me for this.
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00:03:13,548 --> 00:03:16,050
I wanted to be remembered
for my achievement in film.
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00:03:41,943 --> 00:03:43,477
There he is.
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00:03:43,512 --> 00:03:44,979
Oh, oh, I see!
76
00:03:45,013 --> 00:03:46,747
Oh, you're all here
because you heard the news!
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00:03:46,782 --> 00:03:47,915
Well, fine.
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00:03:47,949 --> 00:03:50,217
Peter Griffin crapped himself
at work. Happy?
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00:03:50,252 --> 00:03:50,896
Peter...
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00:03:50,921 --> 00:03:52,720
No, no, Lois,
l-l-let's get it all out.
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00:03:52,721 --> 00:03:55,156
I'm sure you also heard that
someone walked into my office
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00:03:55,190 --> 00:03:56,624
while I was sucking
on my own toes.
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00:03:56,658 --> 00:03:59,026
And do I go fast-walking
in nurse's shoes
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00:03:59,060 --> 00:03:59,860
every Saturday in the park?
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00:03:59,895 --> 00:04:01,095
Yes, I do.
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00:04:01,129 --> 00:04:03,330
Peter, we're not here
because of any of that.
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00:04:03,365 --> 00:04:05,399
Okay, I know what
this is about.
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00:04:05,433 --> 00:04:06,994
Somebody saw me
holding hands with a guy
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00:04:07,002 --> 00:04:08,335
at Quiznos this morning.
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00:04:08,370 --> 00:04:10,871
All right, and was I involved in
the Oklahoma City bombing?
91
00:04:10,906 --> 00:04:11,939
A little bit.
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00:04:11,973 --> 00:04:13,107
No, Peter,
you're not getting it.
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00:04:13,141 --> 00:04:14,809
Okay, we'll go deeper.
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00:04:14,843 --> 00:04:17,611
Yeah, I was swindled by that cat
who said he was from the future.
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00:04:17,646 --> 00:04:19,380
Turns out he was
just a present-day cat
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00:04:19,414 --> 00:04:20,681
with a smooth sales pitch.
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00:04:20,715 --> 00:04:22,016
Dad, you don't understand.
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00:04:22,050 --> 00:04:23,250
Oh, I understand.
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00:04:23,285 --> 00:04:25,653
I understand I've made
hundreds of deadly enemies
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00:04:25,687 --> 00:04:28,155
by shouting racial taunts
up at the jailhouse windows.
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00:04:28,190 --> 00:04:29,223
Oh, and another thing,
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00:04:29,257 --> 00:04:31,258
raise your hand if you
think ducks are magic.
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00:04:31,293 --> 00:04:32,626
And... up it goes...!
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00:04:32,661 --> 00:04:33,828
Peter's the only one.
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00:04:33,862 --> 00:04:35,763
Peter, that's not
why they're here.
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00:04:35,797 --> 00:04:39,133
A-And no, none of us heard about
you soiling yourself at work.
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00:04:39,167 --> 00:04:40,234
Oh...
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00:04:40,268 --> 00:04:41,602
well why is everybody here?
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00:04:41,636 --> 00:04:43,938
Peter, your mother is dead.
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00:04:43,972 --> 00:04:46,941
She had a stroke this
afternoon and she died.
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00:04:46,975 --> 00:04:48,409
You don't die from that, Lois.
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You just host New Year's Eve
and talk funny.
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00:04:50,545 --> 00:04:51,979
Peter, it's true.
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00:04:52,013 --> 00:04:53,948
I'm so sorry.
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Oh, my God...
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00:04:56,351 --> 00:04:58,619
I don't believe it.
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00:04:58,653 --> 00:05:00,988
She's gone?
118
00:05:01,022 --> 00:05:03,958
All right, well, I'm gonna go
confuse everyone on Facebook
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00:05:03,992 --> 00:05:07,561
with a, "So sad, terrible day"
status and nothing more.
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00:05:33,617 --> 00:05:36,218
Your mother was
a good woman, Peter.
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00:05:36,253 --> 00:05:37,553
Thanks, Lois.
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00:05:37,587 --> 00:05:40,723
I just, I just can't believe
she's really gone.
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00:05:40,757 --> 00:05:43,058
And I can't believe this
funeral home has a skylight
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00:05:43,093 --> 00:05:45,494
with a sinister clown
staring down at us.
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00:05:47,864 --> 00:05:49,698
Thank you for coming, everyone.
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00:05:49,733 --> 00:05:52,735
We're here to celebrate
the life of Thelma Griffin.
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00:05:52,769 --> 00:05:55,971
Here to say a few words
about Thelma is her son, Peter.
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00:05:58,008 --> 00:05:59,875
My mother always hoped
to be buried
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00:05:59,910 --> 00:06:01,410
with her pet cat, Mittens,
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00:06:01,444 --> 00:06:04,113
so I'd like to thank
the Quahog Veterinary Society
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00:06:04,147 --> 00:06:06,015
for putting Mittens down
so quickly.
132
00:06:06,049 --> 00:06:08,784
Yeah, just-just go ahead
and toss it in there.
133
00:06:08,818 --> 00:06:10,953
P-Probably, probably just
stuff it in by the feet.
134
00:06:12,822 --> 00:06:15,958
Okay, I will now take
questions from the audience.
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00:06:15,992 --> 00:06:18,861
No? None? They don't
have to be about my mom.
136
00:06:18,895 --> 00:06:21,563
Is anyone else here watching
Revolution and wanting
137
00:06:21,598 --> 00:06:23,365
to talk about it after this?
138
00:06:23,400 --> 00:06:24,566
No! No! No! No!
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00:06:24,601 --> 00:06:25,935
I'm not caught up!
I'm not caught up!
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00:06:25,969 --> 00:06:29,705
Lotta white socks with
dress shoes in this bitch.
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00:06:29,739 --> 00:06:30,973
God, I hate funerals.
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00:06:31,007 --> 00:06:32,107
Yeah, they're stupid.
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00:06:32,142 --> 00:06:33,842
Thank God I'm not
going to die.
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00:06:33,877 --> 00:06:35,277
What do you mean?
Of course you are.
145
00:06:35,312 --> 00:06:36,612
I'm not gonna die, Brian.
146
00:06:36,646 --> 00:06:38,080
I'm like Jim Belushi.
147
00:06:38,114 --> 00:06:40,482
I am worried about
my funny brother, though.
148
00:06:40,517 --> 00:06:42,017
Food fight!
149
00:06:43,653 --> 00:06:46,822
This is tragic, but will
also open a door for me.
150
00:06:46,856 --> 00:06:48,924
Stewie, everyone is
gonna die, at some point.
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00:06:48,959 --> 00:06:49,825
Everyone.
152
00:06:49,859 --> 00:06:51,894
So like... even me?
153
00:06:51,928 --> 00:06:52,895
Yes, even you.
154
00:06:52,929 --> 00:06:54,630
You are going
to die someday, Stewie.
155
00:06:54,664 --> 00:06:57,733
Wow... I guess you learn
something new everyday.
156
00:06:57,767 --> 00:06:59,368
Like the Black Eyed Peas.
157
00:06:59,402 --> 00:07:01,103
Hey, what's that?
158
00:07:01,137 --> 00:07:02,638
This is a guitar.
159
00:07:02,672 --> 00:07:04,173
Wow...
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00:07:09,112 --> 00:07:13,215
Oh, Peter, look,
your mom's old photo albums.
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00:07:13,249 --> 00:07:15,851
Oh, look at your
little baby footprints.
162
00:07:15,885 --> 00:07:18,487
Yeah, my mom took my footprint
every single year.
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00:07:21,758 --> 00:07:24,126
When I was eight,
I was a dragon.
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00:07:27,130 --> 00:07:29,465
Oh, hello.
You must be Cocoon.
165
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We don't have any rocks to make
you stronger here, but welcome.
166
00:07:33,303 --> 00:07:34,603
You must be Peter.
167
00:07:34,637 --> 00:07:36,805
I'm Evelyn, a friend
of your mother's.
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Oh, oh, hi.
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This is my family.
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They're of no comfort.
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00:07:40,677 --> 00:07:43,278
Oh... I know it's tough
what you're going through.
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00:07:43,313 --> 00:07:47,182
You're where I was 17 years ago,
when I lost my husband, Walter.
173
00:07:47,217 --> 00:07:49,118
He died of pancreatic cancer.
174
00:07:49,152 --> 00:07:51,220
That sounds sad,
but I didn't know him.
175
00:07:51,254 --> 00:07:53,155
Man, I miss my mom so much.
176
00:07:53,189 --> 00:07:55,924
Well, I knew your mother
better than anyone.
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00:07:55,959 --> 00:07:57,760
I could tell you stories...
178
00:07:57,794 --> 00:07:59,561
Well, that sounds nice.
179
00:07:59,596 --> 00:08:01,964
Peter, the two of you
should hang out together.
180
00:08:01,998 --> 00:08:03,732
I'd like that very much.
181
00:08:03,767 --> 00:08:06,902
Well, it's 4:00.
I'm off to bed.
182
00:08:06,936 --> 00:08:09,405
Wow, Peter, looks like
you made a new friend.
183
00:08:09,439 --> 00:08:11,573
Yeah... a-and maybe
she can be my new mom,
184
00:08:11,608 --> 00:08:13,475
you know, just like Greg
Evigan and Paul Reiser
185
00:08:13,510 --> 00:08:15,310
were briefly my two dads.
186
00:08:15,345 --> 00:08:16,879
I keep forgetting your names.
187
00:08:16,913 --> 00:08:20,249
Can you just be "Jew Dad"
and you'll be "Earring Dad?"
188
00:08:30,727 --> 00:08:33,195
Stewie, could you please
stop tossing and turning?
189
00:08:33,229 --> 00:08:34,263
It's hard enough
to sleep in here
190
00:08:34,297 --> 00:08:36,098
without my memory
foam pillow.
191
00:08:36,132 --> 00:08:38,634
Uh... don't tell me,
don't tell me...
192
00:08:38,668 --> 00:08:39,835
Brian!
Yep.
193
00:08:39,869 --> 00:08:41,170
Yeah...
194
00:08:41,204 --> 00:08:43,305
I can't go to sleep,
Brian-- I'm scared!
195
00:08:43,339 --> 00:08:44,106
Of what?
196
00:08:44,140 --> 00:08:45,174
Of death!
197
00:08:45,208 --> 00:08:46,508
Well, you're not alone.
198
00:08:46,543 --> 00:08:48,610
The world is full of people
who can't accept death.
199
00:08:48,645 --> 00:08:49,845
And they've all got
their own ideas
200
00:08:49,879 --> 00:08:51,180
of what happens when we die.
201
00:08:51,214 --> 00:08:52,247
Really? Like what?
202
00:08:52,282 --> 00:08:54,416
Tell me, are any of them
blindly reassuring?
203
00:08:54,451 --> 00:08:55,651
Look, it's late.
204
00:08:55,685 --> 00:08:57,086
We'll talk about it
first thing tomorrow.
205
00:08:57,120 --> 00:08:58,353
Geez, you know, I gotta say,
206
00:08:58,388 --> 00:09:00,722
it's weird to see you
so worked up about this.
207
00:09:00,757 --> 00:09:02,124
I mean, you're
not afraid of anything.
208
00:09:02,158 --> 00:09:03,559
Even that monster
in your closet.
209
00:09:03,593 --> 00:09:05,327
Ah, he's on his way
out of here.
210
00:09:05,361 --> 00:09:07,329
Ever since he violated
the section of his lease
211
00:09:07,363 --> 00:09:09,498
that doesn't
allow subletters.
212
00:09:09,532 --> 00:09:10,432
What are you talking about?
213
00:09:10,467 --> 00:09:12,067
I don't have
anyone else in here.
214
00:09:12,102 --> 00:09:14,503
Just tell him
the truth, Ethan.
215
00:09:16,539 --> 00:09:18,006
Thank you for doing this, Brian.
216
00:09:18,041 --> 00:09:19,108
No problem, Stewie.
217
00:09:19,142 --> 00:09:21,910
Our first stop today
is a Jewish synagogue.
218
00:09:21,945 --> 00:09:25,280
Wow, every brick in this place
is named after someone.
219
00:09:25,315 --> 00:09:27,049
Yeah, they do that
to honor their donors.
220
00:09:27,083 --> 00:09:30,085
So that side of the building
was donated by someone named,
221
00:09:30,120 --> 00:09:31,420
"Get Out of Our Town"?
222
00:09:31,454 --> 00:09:33,489
No, I-I-I think that was
the work of some
223
00:09:33,523 --> 00:09:34,756
shaved-headed gentleman,
224
00:09:34,791 --> 00:09:36,792
but, but we're here
to talk about Judaism.
225
00:09:36,826 --> 00:09:38,727
So, where do they think
they go when they die?
226
00:09:38,761 --> 00:09:40,395
Well, you should try
asking the rabbi.
227
00:09:40,430 --> 00:09:42,731
Although, I should warn you,
you might not get an answer.
228
00:09:42,765 --> 00:09:45,567
So, where do Jewish people
think they go when they die?
229
00:09:45,602 --> 00:09:47,302
Where do you think we go?
230
00:09:47,337 --> 00:09:49,071
Well, I don't know.
That's why I'm asking you.
231
00:09:49,105 --> 00:09:51,673
Why do you think you're
asking all these questions?
232
00:09:51,708 --> 00:09:53,775
I-I just, I just really
want to know what happens.
233
00:09:53,810 --> 00:09:56,712
Do you think that's
part of God's infinite plan?
234
00:09:56,746 --> 00:09:59,281
I think your whole religion
is a sham, just so you can get
235
00:09:59,315 --> 00:10:00,949
extra holidays off from work.
236
00:10:00,984 --> 00:10:02,484
Oop, gotta go.
It's Buchwuch.
237
00:10:08,591 --> 00:10:10,759
I say, this is quite impressive.
238
00:10:10,793 --> 00:10:12,961
Buddhism is an
Asian religion that also has
239
00:10:12,996 --> 00:10:15,164
a significant following
of annoying white people.
240
00:10:15,198 --> 00:10:15,751
Okay.
241
00:10:15,776 --> 00:10:17,699
See, these guys believe
that after you die,
242
00:10:17,700 --> 00:10:19,334
you're reincarnated
and you come back
243
00:10:19,369 --> 00:10:21,370
as a pig or a cow
or a rooster.
244
00:10:21,404 --> 00:10:22,738
Okay, okay, that's good.
245
00:10:22,772 --> 00:10:24,940
I already know what noises
to make if I'm one of those.
246
00:10:24,974 --> 00:10:27,054
But they also don't believe
in demonstrating emotions
247
00:10:27,076 --> 00:10:28,877
either way, so they're
the worst people
248
00:10:28,912 --> 00:10:30,445
to buy birthday gifts for.
249
00:10:30,480 --> 00:10:32,514
I know you've been having
trouble getting around,
250
00:10:32,549 --> 00:10:34,316
so I bought you a new Lexus.
251
00:10:34,350 --> 00:10:36,118
And I got you
this tie clip.
252
00:10:36,152 --> 00:10:38,620
Thank you both.
These are equal to me.
253
00:10:38,655 --> 00:10:41,223
Screw you!
You don't even own a tie!
254
00:10:45,862 --> 00:10:48,630
Now, the Catholics believe that
as long as you accept Jesus
255
00:10:48,665 --> 00:10:50,933
before you die, anyone
can get into Heaven.
256
00:10:50,967 --> 00:10:52,134
Really? Anyone?
257
00:10:56,039 --> 00:10:58,006
I accept Jesus
as my Lord and Savior!
258
00:10:59,943 --> 00:11:01,176
Yes!
259
00:11:05,281 --> 00:11:08,317
Peter, thank you so much for
your help in making this cake,
260
00:11:08,351 --> 00:11:09,985
but don't you think
it would be easier
261
00:11:10,019 --> 00:11:11,386
if you stood
on the floor?
262
00:11:11,421 --> 00:11:13,422
Yeah, but when I baked
with my mom,
263
00:11:13,456 --> 00:11:15,023
I always stood
on a chair.
264
00:11:15,058 --> 00:11:17,993
Another memory is my Uncle Roy
putting his thumb in me.
265
00:11:18,027 --> 00:11:20,696
Ah, the best memories
are family memories.
266
00:11:20,730 --> 00:11:23,198
Oh, hey, Evelyn,
I got a riddle for you:
267
00:11:23,233 --> 00:11:25,701
What newspaper
do cows read?
268
00:11:25,735 --> 00:11:27,636
The Moo York Times.
269
00:11:27,670 --> 00:11:30,005
That's very clever, Peter.
Did you make that up?
270
00:11:30,039 --> 00:11:31,707
Nah, I got it off
a yogurt.
271
00:11:31,741 --> 00:11:33,208
Still, very impressive.
272
00:11:33,243 --> 00:11:34,509
God, you know, Evelyn,
273
00:11:34,544 --> 00:11:36,311
you've really helped me
through a tough time.
274
00:11:36,346 --> 00:11:38,180
I haven't been
this grateful
275
00:11:38,214 --> 00:11:40,048
since I met
the Sane Hatter.
276
00:11:40,083 --> 00:11:42,251
Excuse me. How do I get back
through the looking glass?
277
00:11:42,285 --> 00:11:43,585
Oh, yeah,
take two lefts
278
00:11:43,620 --> 00:11:45,487
and it's the first
door on your right.
279
00:11:45,521 --> 00:11:46,521
Cool. Great.
280
00:11:46,556 --> 00:11:48,090
Thanks for not giving me
the runaround.
281
00:11:48,124 --> 00:11:49,458
I-I asked that guy
over there,
282
00:11:49,492 --> 00:11:51,793
but he just told me
a bunch of rhyming nonsense.
283
00:11:51,828 --> 00:11:54,997
Oh, yeah-- he's, like,
a well-known dick.
284
00:12:00,503 --> 00:12:01,903
What are you
still doing awake?
285
00:12:01,938 --> 00:12:03,138
Changing the oil in my car!
286
00:12:03,172 --> 00:12:04,740
What the hell do you think
I'm doing?!
287
00:12:04,774 --> 00:12:07,576
Sorry, I stole that from the
Italian family next door.
288
00:12:07,610 --> 00:12:09,311
They've been going
at it all night.
289
00:12:09,345 --> 00:12:11,647
Dad, can I have five dollars
for lunch tomorrow?
290
00:12:11,681 --> 00:12:13,815
Yeah, sure, just
let me just go check
291
00:12:13,850 --> 00:12:15,517
my room full
of gold and jewels.
292
00:12:15,551 --> 00:12:18,954
You see, every first thing
he says is not the real thing.
293
00:12:18,988 --> 00:12:21,056
Anyway, Brian, I'm trying
to figure out death!
294
00:12:21,090 --> 00:12:23,325
It's not that
complicated, Stewie.
295
00:12:23,359 --> 00:12:25,527
Well, which of these religions
has the right answer?
296
00:12:25,561 --> 00:12:26,695
What-What about
you, Brian?
297
00:12:26,729 --> 00:12:28,664
What do you believe
happens when you die?
298
00:12:28,698 --> 00:12:30,666
Nothing.
Lights out. That's it.
299
00:12:30,700 --> 00:12:32,567
That's not comforting at all!
300
00:12:32,602 --> 00:12:34,369
Well, I just think
it's pretty clear
301
00:12:34,404 --> 00:12:36,571
that we're all just bags
of bones and flesh
302
00:12:36,606 --> 00:12:38,840
that eventually break down
and decay into worm food.
303
00:12:38,875 --> 00:12:41,176
We come from nothing,
and we're gonna become nothing.
304
00:12:41,210 --> 00:12:42,544
The end.
Night, Stewie.
305
00:12:44,113 --> 00:12:46,048
Lights out.
306
00:12:46,082 --> 00:12:48,016
Did you hear him, Rupert?
307
00:12:48,051 --> 00:12:50,018
Life is just a big joke.
308
00:12:50,053 --> 00:12:52,454
It's just sitting
around waiting to die.
309
00:12:52,488 --> 00:12:54,122
Well, I can't live like that.
310
00:12:54,157 --> 00:12:55,457
I'd rather just end it.
311
00:12:55,491 --> 00:12:57,092
I'm going to take my own life.
312
00:12:57,126 --> 00:12:59,695
But first, I'm gonna play ball
in the house.
313
00:13:00,763 --> 00:13:02,898
Parents are right!
314
00:13:05,968 --> 00:13:09,938
We now return to
S.T., the Special Terrestrial.
315
00:13:13,876 --> 00:13:15,977
Hi!
316
00:13:16,012 --> 00:13:17,346
Hey, guys,
this is Evelyn.
317
00:13:17,380 --> 00:13:19,047
She's the one
with that bathroom carpet
318
00:13:19,082 --> 00:13:21,183
I've been peeing on
I told you about.
319
00:13:21,217 --> 00:13:22,551
Hey, nice to meet you.
320
00:13:22,585 --> 00:13:24,720
You know, instead
of drawing on your eyebrows,
321
00:13:24,754 --> 00:13:26,521
maybe just go without
eyebrows.
322
00:13:26,556 --> 00:13:29,091
And I'm Joe Swanson.
323
00:13:29,125 --> 00:13:31,360
I've been dying to introduce
you guys to Evelyn.
324
00:13:31,394 --> 00:13:33,195
We've just been having
the best time together.
325
00:13:33,229 --> 00:13:34,629
Evelyn, tell them
how many sodas
326
00:13:34,664 --> 00:13:36,164
I combined at the movie theater.
Two.
327
00:13:36,199 --> 00:13:38,467
It was more than that.
She fell asleep.
328
00:13:38,501 --> 00:13:42,137
She let me drive
a little bit on the way home.
329
00:13:42,171 --> 00:13:43,538
Just in the parking lot.
330
00:13:43,573 --> 00:13:45,707
But you were a good
little navigator.
331
00:13:47,076 --> 00:13:50,379
Yeah, I just remembered, I gotta
get the hell out of here.
332
00:13:54,083 --> 00:13:56,618
Well, God said I could
walk just one time.
333
00:13:56,652 --> 00:13:59,788
I was saving it for
Susie's wedding day, but...
334
00:14:03,259 --> 00:14:04,760
Your friends seem lovely.
335
00:14:04,794 --> 00:14:06,094
Ah, they a'ight.
336
00:14:06,129 --> 00:14:09,131
You know, Evelyn, I am having
such a good time with you.
337
00:14:09,165 --> 00:14:10,966
You're like
my aboveground mom.
338
00:14:11,000 --> 00:14:13,235
Oh, Peter, you know, sometimes
339
00:14:13,269 --> 00:14:15,137
I think your mother
brought us together.
340
00:14:15,171 --> 00:14:16,805
Yeah, tha-that's how I feel.
341
00:14:16,839 --> 00:14:18,006
Good.
342
00:14:28,918 --> 00:14:31,987
Come on. Are you molesting me
or watching TV?
343
00:14:36,430 --> 00:14:39,131
I can't believe that
old woman kissed you!
344
00:14:39,166 --> 00:14:40,399
Oh, it was horrible, Lois.
345
00:14:40,434 --> 00:14:42,635
There were still crumbs
in the corners of her mouth
346
00:14:42,669 --> 00:14:45,338
from that Nilla Wafer
she had at lunch.
347
00:14:45,372 --> 00:14:47,573
Are you sure there wasn't
some kind of misunderstanding?
348
00:14:47,574 --> 00:14:49,342
No, no, those were
definitely Nilla Wafers.
349
00:14:49,376 --> 00:14:51,344
And it really
bums me out, you know,
350
00:14:51,378 --> 00:14:53,612
'cause I thought she was
something special.
351
00:14:53,647 --> 00:14:55,481
She was like a mom to me.
352
00:14:55,515 --> 00:14:57,717
Well, then you should
go talk to her
353
00:14:57,751 --> 00:14:59,285
and try to clear
this up.
354
00:14:59,319 --> 00:15:01,687
It sounds weird, but
maybe it was innocent.
355
00:15:01,722 --> 00:15:03,522
I mean, this wouldn't
be the first time
356
00:15:03,557 --> 00:15:05,257
you thought someone
was hitting on you.
357
00:15:05,292 --> 00:15:07,393
Would you like
to add chips and a drink?
358
00:15:07,427 --> 00:15:09,195
Here we go again.
359
00:15:14,067 --> 00:15:16,302
All right, Rupert, here we go.
360
00:15:20,374 --> 00:15:23,175
Well, I'm not dead,
but I do have a boner.
361
00:15:23,210 --> 00:15:26,345
So that is something new
about Stewie.
362
00:15:28,482 --> 00:15:31,083
Okay, death by cop.
363
00:15:33,387 --> 00:15:35,287
Hey, copper, come get me!
364
00:15:35,322 --> 00:15:37,256
Oh, no, an armed assailant!
365
00:15:37,290 --> 00:15:39,492
I definitely don't want
to die today.
366
00:15:39,526 --> 00:15:42,661
I have so much
to live for.
367
00:15:42,696 --> 00:15:44,130
Come on! Shoot me!
368
00:15:44,164 --> 00:15:46,966
The one day I don't wear
my bulletproof vest!
369
00:15:47,000 --> 00:15:49,101
What are you waiting for?
I'm wide open!
370
00:15:49,136 --> 00:15:51,637
Don't you hate how the heart
is right about here?
371
00:15:51,671 --> 00:15:54,039
Just kiss, you fruitcakes!
372
00:15:58,011 --> 00:16:01,046
All right, Rupert, the old
toaster in the tub never fails.
373
00:16:07,888 --> 00:16:10,990
Oh, damn, I wanted to die,
not turn into Toaster Man.
374
00:16:14,027 --> 00:16:15,661
I don't know
about this Toaster Man.
375
00:16:15,695 --> 00:16:18,330
While he's getting all the
glory, John Q. Taxpayer is left
376
00:16:18,365 --> 00:16:19,732
to clean up the crumbs.
377
00:16:21,168 --> 00:16:24,303
My breakfast bread
just got perfectly browned!
378
00:16:24,337 --> 00:16:26,472
I just wish I could thank him!
379
00:16:26,506 --> 00:16:28,140
Oh, I think he knows, Pop.
380
00:16:28,175 --> 00:16:30,576
I think he knows.
381
00:16:34,047 --> 00:16:36,248
Evelyn, we need to talk.
382
00:16:36,283 --> 00:16:38,984
Oh, Peter,
I owe you an apology.
383
00:16:39,019 --> 00:16:42,087
I'm afraid my new medicine
made me act foolishly yesterday.
384
00:16:42,122 --> 00:16:44,190
You must forgive me.
Oh.
385
00:16:44,224 --> 00:16:47,259
So it-it was, it was
just your medicine, huh?
386
00:16:47,294 --> 00:16:49,295
Well, I guess I can
understand that.
387
00:16:49,329 --> 00:16:51,130
You know, I'm addicted
to nasal spray.
388
00:16:52,933 --> 00:16:55,734
I smell everything!
I'm invincible!
389
00:16:59,539 --> 00:17:01,574
I'm probably gonna be
a little down
390
00:17:01,608 --> 00:17:03,576
until I use
the spray again.
391
00:17:03,610 --> 00:17:05,778
That's okay, Peter.
Now come along.
392
00:17:05,812 --> 00:17:08,747
I've got quite the day
planned for us.
393
00:17:09,783 --> 00:17:11,817
♪ She's just a devil woman
394
00:17:11,852 --> 00:17:13,752
♪ With evil on her mind
395
00:17:13,787 --> 00:17:16,155
♪ Beware the devil woman
396
00:17:16,189 --> 00:17:18,157
♪ She's gonna get you
397
00:17:18,191 --> 00:17:20,025
♪ She's just a devil woman
398
00:17:20,060 --> 00:17:22,261
♪ With evil on her mind
399
00:17:22,295 --> 00:17:23,762
♪ Beware the devil woman
400
00:17:23,797 --> 00:17:26,298
♪ She's gonna get you
from behind. ♪
401
00:17:35,208 --> 00:17:36,775
Evelyn, I think it's best
402
00:17:36,810 --> 00:17:38,677
that we don't see
each other anymore.
403
00:17:38,712 --> 00:17:39,778
But Peter...
404
00:17:39,813 --> 00:17:41,180
No, Evelyn, I trusted you,
405
00:17:41,214 --> 00:17:42,948
and all this funny business
keeps happening,
406
00:17:42,983 --> 00:17:44,917
and I don't think
it's your medicine at all.
407
00:17:44,951 --> 00:17:47,019
So I'm afraid this is good-bye.
408
00:17:47,053 --> 00:17:49,522
But Peter, I thought
we were friends.
409
00:17:49,556 --> 00:17:51,257
Yeah, right.
You tricked me!
410
00:17:51,291 --> 00:17:53,859
You're as bad as those
predators on the Internet.
411
00:17:53,894 --> 00:17:55,461
That's wild, Stacey.
412
00:17:55,495 --> 00:17:58,464
I'm a 12-year-old girl, too.
413
00:17:58,498 --> 00:18:00,566
My name's Jenny.
414
00:18:00,600 --> 00:18:04,103
Want to come over to my place
and help me move?
415
00:18:06,873 --> 00:18:08,674
Hey, you're not
a 12-year-old girl!
416
00:18:08,708 --> 00:18:10,776
Neither are you, Jenny!
417
00:18:10,810 --> 00:18:13,379
Huh. I guess we aren't
so different after all.
418
00:18:13,413 --> 00:18:15,548
Yeah. You know, this isn't
a whole lot of stuff.
419
00:18:15,582 --> 00:18:17,883
We can probably knock
this out in an hour.
420
00:18:26,293 --> 00:18:27,459
What the hell?!
421
00:18:28,562 --> 00:18:30,229
Stewie, what the hell
are you doing?!
422
00:18:30,263 --> 00:18:33,165
He's doing his taxes!
What's it look like he's doing?
423
00:18:33,199 --> 00:18:35,334
Vito, get away from
the neighbors' house!
424
00:18:35,368 --> 00:18:36,669
I'm killing myself,
Brian.
425
00:18:36,703 --> 00:18:38,337
You said it yourself,
when we die,
426
00:18:38,371 --> 00:18:40,506
there's nothing!
We just rot in the ground!
427
00:18:40,540 --> 00:18:41,774
Well, if life has
no purpose,
428
00:18:41,808 --> 00:18:43,409
why not just cut
to the chase?
429
00:18:43,443 --> 00:18:44,877
Look, Stewie, I know
you're worried,
430
00:18:44,911 --> 00:18:47,313
but you can't live your life
being scared of death.
431
00:18:47,347 --> 00:18:48,814
Nobody knows
what comes next,
432
00:18:48,848 --> 00:18:51,383
so all we can do is pack
the most we can
433
00:18:51,418 --> 00:18:52,751
into each day we've got.
434
00:18:52,786 --> 00:18:54,286
So for you,
that's taking
435
00:18:54,321 --> 00:18:56,789
a 45-minute shaky-leg poop
on the front lawn?
436
00:18:56,823 --> 00:18:57,990
I'm just saying
there's something
437
00:18:58,024 --> 00:18:59,825
to be said for living
in the moment.
438
00:18:59,859 --> 00:19:01,327
So what you're saying is
439
00:19:01,361 --> 00:19:03,228
I've got to find
my shaky-leg poop.
440
00:19:03,263 --> 00:19:05,030
Exactly.
441
00:19:05,065 --> 00:19:06,498
Well, I-I have
always wanted
442
00:19:06,533 --> 00:19:08,534
to be a singer-songwriter.
443
00:19:08,568 --> 00:19:11,070
Um... yeah. No, yeah,
you could do that.
444
00:19:11,104 --> 00:19:12,371
You-You paused.
445
00:19:12,405 --> 00:19:13,539
Why-Why did you pause?
446
00:19:13,573 --> 00:19:15,441
Uh... no reason.
447
00:19:15,475 --> 00:19:17,443
You did it again!
I swear to God,
448
00:19:17,477 --> 00:19:19,411
I will throw myself
right out that window!
449
00:19:19,446 --> 00:19:21,914
Okay, welcome
to the Apple Tree Pub.
450
00:19:21,948 --> 00:19:24,283
I'm Stewie Griffin,
and these...
451
00:19:24,317 --> 00:19:26,952
are my six assistants.
452
00:19:26,987 --> 00:19:28,320
You know,
I changed my mind.
453
00:19:28,355 --> 00:19:29,855
Kill yourself.
454
00:19:33,627 --> 00:19:36,662
Hey, Mom, I-I gotta talk
to you about something.
455
00:19:36,696 --> 00:19:38,797
You know, ever since
you turned into a rock
456
00:19:38,832 --> 00:19:40,132
with your name on it,
457
00:19:40,166 --> 00:19:43,168
your friend's been
really inappropriate with me.
458
00:19:43,203 --> 00:19:45,137
Hello, Peter.
459
00:19:45,171 --> 00:19:46,271
Oh. Hi.
460
00:19:46,306 --> 00:19:48,107
What are you doing here?
461
00:19:48,141 --> 00:19:49,975
Peter, I want
to apologize.
462
00:19:50,010 --> 00:19:52,444
I did behave
inappropriately.
463
00:19:52,479 --> 00:19:54,580
It's just that since my beloved
Walter died,
464
00:19:54,614 --> 00:19:57,616
you're the first man who's paid
any attention to me,
465
00:19:57,651 --> 00:20:00,653
and I guess I took advantage
of that.
466
00:20:00,687 --> 00:20:02,121
Huh.
467
00:20:02,155 --> 00:20:04,723
Well, you know, when-when
you put it that way,
468
00:20:04,758 --> 00:20:08,060
I guess maybe it's a little bit
my fault, too.
469
00:20:08,094 --> 00:20:10,162
I missed my mom so much,
470
00:20:10,196 --> 00:20:14,299
and I guess maybe I sort of
used you as a replacement.
471
00:20:14,334 --> 00:20:17,503
I'm glad we
became friends, Evelyn.
472
00:20:26,780 --> 00:20:29,381
Evelyn? Evelyn?!
473
00:20:46,516 --> 00:20:48,721
Looks like somebody's mom died
or something,
474
00:20:48,722 --> 00:20:51,275
I don't know. You--You'll take
care of this, right?
475
00:20:51,276 --> 00:20:56,276
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man