1
00:00:00,711 --> 00:00:03,989
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
2
00:00:04,089 --> 00:00:07,524
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:07,559 --> 00:00:10,895
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:10,929 --> 00:00:14,098
♪ On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:14,132 --> 00:00:17,601
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:17,636 --> 00:00:20,905
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
7
00:00:20,939 --> 00:00:22,473
♪ All the things that make us
8
00:00:22,507 --> 00:00:23,841
♪ Laugh and cry
9
00:00:23,875 --> 00:00:25,357
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
10
00:00:25,358 --> 00:00:29,358
♪ Family Guy 12x16 ♪
Herpe, the Love Sore
Original Air Date on April 6, 2014
11
00:00:29,359 --> 00:00:33,359
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
12
00:00:33,385 --> 00:00:35,986
We now return
to VH1's Behind the Music:
13
00:00:36,021 --> 00:00:38,289
Dr. Teeth
and the Electric Mayhem.
14
00:00:38,323 --> 00:00:41,458
It must've been around 1979
when Animal started
15
00:00:41,493 --> 00:00:43,527
snorting crushed-up
pieces of felt.
16
00:00:43,561 --> 00:00:44,962
It got pretty ugly.
17
00:00:44,996 --> 00:00:48,465
Me had big problem
before me found God.
18
00:00:48,500 --> 00:00:50,034
He, like, threw me down
and he said,
19
00:00:50,068 --> 00:00:51,802
"I hope your puppeteer
has big hands,
20
00:00:51,836 --> 00:00:53,704
because I'm not using lube."
21
00:00:53,738 --> 00:00:56,840
Me no remember that,
but me believe it happened.
22
00:00:56,875 --> 00:00:58,676
I got it.
23
00:01:00,779 --> 00:01:03,080
Huh, it says "Glenn Quagmire."
24
00:01:03,114 --> 00:01:05,716
But if you squint and imagine
it says "Peter Griffin,"
25
00:01:05,750 --> 00:01:06,717
it says "Peter Griffin."
26
00:01:06,751 --> 00:01:07,952
Peter, it's Quagmire's.
27
00:01:07,986 --> 00:01:09,119
Take it next door.
28
00:01:09,154 --> 00:01:10,187
Now, now, hold on, Lois.
29
00:01:10,221 --> 00:01:12,523
Now, this poses a very
difficult ethical dilemma.
30
00:01:12,557 --> 00:01:15,025
Do I deliver the package
to its rightful owner?
31
00:01:15,060 --> 00:01:17,661
Or do I open it up and see
if it contains He-Mans?
32
00:01:17,696 --> 00:01:19,630
Do not open that box.
33
00:01:19,664 --> 00:01:20,985
You know, Lois,
physicists believe
34
00:01:20,999 --> 00:01:22,733
there are two
alternate universes:
35
00:01:22,767 --> 00:01:24,601
one in which I don't
open the box
36
00:01:24,636 --> 00:01:26,203
and one in which I do.
37
00:01:26,237 --> 00:01:28,605
I'm not gonna open the box.
38
00:01:28,640 --> 00:01:30,541
I'm gonna open the box.
39
00:01:30,575 --> 00:01:33,043
Aw, sweet! It's a whip!
40
00:01:33,078 --> 00:01:35,045
Peter, be careful
with that thing!
41
00:01:35,080 --> 00:01:36,914
Remember, we're renting
this house.
42
00:01:36,948 --> 00:01:38,248
That's depressing.
43
00:01:38,283 --> 00:01:40,150
Wow, I haven't felt
this powerful
44
00:01:40,185 --> 00:01:43,721
since I got to decide which
ant lives and which ant dies.
45
00:01:43,755 --> 00:01:45,122
You shall battle to the death,
46
00:01:45,156 --> 00:01:47,091
and the winner
will be given his freedom.
47
00:01:47,125 --> 00:01:49,059
Why are you looking
at me like that?
48
00:01:49,094 --> 00:01:50,861
Peter, would you like
a glass of...?
49
00:01:50,895 --> 00:01:52,129
Oh, my God!
50
00:01:52,163 --> 00:01:55,566
I told you not to play God
with those ants!
51
00:01:58,937 --> 00:02:01,105
All right, Meg,
stay incredibly still.
52
00:02:01,139 --> 00:02:03,019
I'm gonna whip that cigarette
out of your mouth.
53
00:02:03,041 --> 00:02:04,808
And maybe not slice
your face in half.
54
00:02:04,843 --> 00:02:06,410
Dad, I don't
want to do this.
55
00:02:06,444 --> 00:02:07,411
Stay still!
56
00:02:07,445 --> 00:02:08,479
Aah!
57
00:02:08,513 --> 00:02:10,748
Okay, tha-that's
pretty cool, too.
58
00:02:10,782 --> 00:02:13,083
Hey, Dad, that's
a cool hwhip.
59
00:02:13,118 --> 00:02:16,020
Aah! I thought
you couldn't understand me!
60
00:02:16,054 --> 00:02:17,721
♪ When a good time
turns around ♪
61
00:02:17,756 --> 00:02:18,889
♪ You must whip it
62
00:02:18,923 --> 00:02:20,724
♪ You will never live it down
63
00:02:20,759 --> 00:02:22,192
♪ Unless you whip it
64
00:02:22,227 --> 00:02:23,694
♪ No one gets away
65
00:02:23,728 --> 00:02:25,562
♪ Until they whip it
66
00:02:27,098 --> 00:02:28,465
♪ I say whip it...
67
00:02:28,500 --> 00:02:30,300
Okay.
Aah!
68
00:02:30,335 --> 00:02:31,301
♪ Whip it good...
69
00:02:31,336 --> 00:02:33,537
I'm doing my very best.
70
00:02:34,906 --> 00:02:37,674
Thanks. That was way
too much heat on my neck.
71
00:02:42,614 --> 00:02:44,148
Ooh, a message from Joe.
72
00:02:44,182 --> 00:02:45,049
Hey, Cleveland.
73
00:02:45,083 --> 00:02:46,917
I just wanted
to give you a heads-up
74
00:02:46,951 --> 00:02:49,586
that Peter has a whip,
because, well, you know,
75
00:02:49,621 --> 00:02:52,556
given your racial heritage,
it seems like something
76
00:02:52,590 --> 00:02:54,925
you might want
to keep an eye out for.
77
00:02:56,161 --> 00:02:57,327
Grape soda-gram.
78
00:02:57,362 --> 00:02:59,096
I know this is very risky,
79
00:02:59,130 --> 00:03:02,466
but the upside is so good,
I'm taking it.
80
00:03:06,438 --> 00:03:09,673
We now return
to The Outlaw Josey Wales.
81
00:03:09,707 --> 00:03:11,341
Should we bury them?
82
00:03:11,376 --> 00:03:13,444
Nah, leave them
for the buzzards.
83
00:03:13,478 --> 00:03:14,445
I like that guy.
84
00:03:14,479 --> 00:03:16,680
Oh, boy, here comes Harry.
85
00:03:16,714 --> 00:03:19,216
He thinks no one will notice
he got his neck done.
86
00:03:19,250 --> 00:03:21,885
Hey, fellas, I'm back
from that family wedding.
87
00:03:23,721 --> 00:03:24,755
Hey, what you watching?
88
00:03:24,789 --> 00:03:26,090
The Outlaw Josey Wales.
89
00:03:26,124 --> 00:03:27,558
It's a Western.
Ah.
90
00:03:27,592 --> 00:03:29,126
When do the cowboys
go into the tent,
91
00:03:30,795 --> 00:03:32,496
Different kind of Western.
92
00:03:34,933 --> 00:03:37,701
Ew! What's Clint Eastwood
doing with that Indian chief?
93
00:03:37,735 --> 00:03:39,136
Oh, they're-they're just
becoming blood brothers.
94
00:03:39,170 --> 00:03:41,105
"Blood brothers"?
What the devil is that?
95
00:03:41,139 --> 00:03:42,940
Well, it's an ancient ritual
where two friends
96
00:03:42,974 --> 00:03:45,042
intermingle their blood,
thus sealing a bond
97
00:03:45,076 --> 00:03:46,643
even deeper than friendship.
98
00:03:46,678 --> 00:03:47,845
Yes, yes. Let's do that.
99
00:03:47,879 --> 00:03:49,613
Brian, I want you inside me.
100
00:03:49,647 --> 00:03:51,115
You-you don't have
to say it like that.
101
00:03:51,149 --> 00:03:52,669
Oh, come on, we're
best friends, right?
102
00:03:52,684 --> 00:03:53,884
Stewie, I'm not...
103
00:03:53,918 --> 00:03:55,285
Actually, we're even
more than best friends.
104
00:03:55,320 --> 00:03:56,920
I mean, we share
the same home.
105
00:03:56,955 --> 00:03:58,789
We've been on countless
adventures together.
106
00:03:58,823 --> 00:04:00,190
And, besides, you
owe me, Brian.
107
00:04:00,225 --> 00:04:03,060
Remember what you did to
my last Halloween costume?
108
00:04:03,094 --> 00:04:05,429
I am going to be
the cutest fire hydrant
109
00:04:05,463 --> 00:04:07,531
in the whole... Aah!
What are you doing?!
110
00:04:09,601 --> 00:04:11,902
Okay, your turn.
111
00:04:14,806 --> 00:04:16,406
I think we should
hold hands more often.
112
00:04:16,441 --> 00:04:17,841
There you go,
we're blood brothers now.
113
00:04:17,876 --> 00:04:19,009
You happy?
114
00:04:19,043 --> 00:04:20,077
Actually, yes.
115
00:04:20,111 --> 00:04:22,146
I mean, I really
feel the bond, Brian.
116
00:04:22,180 --> 00:04:23,413
I feel like we're closer now.
117
00:04:23,448 --> 00:04:25,716
You know, more connected,
more intertwined.
118
00:04:25,750 --> 00:04:27,117
Yeah, I guess in a way we are.
119
00:04:27,152 --> 00:04:29,153
Hey, are-are you blood
brothers with Meg
120
00:04:29,187 --> 00:04:31,088
because you ate her
tampon out of the trash?
121
00:04:31,122 --> 00:04:33,724
No, tha... no, that's...
that's something else.
122
00:04:36,794 --> 00:04:38,529
Oh, man, I could
use a cold beer.
123
00:04:38,563 --> 00:04:41,298
Yeah, me, too.
I just had a killer rehearsal.
124
00:04:41,332 --> 00:04:43,066
I'm not biting.
Me, neither.
125
00:04:43,101 --> 00:04:45,435
You forget
how many scenes Tevye's in.
126
00:04:45,470 --> 00:04:48,172
Whoa, whoa, whoa, what's this?
127
00:04:48,206 --> 00:04:50,240
That's our booth!
128
00:04:50,275 --> 00:04:52,142
Uh, uh, excuse me.
Hey, fellas.
129
00:04:52,177 --> 00:04:54,018
Uh, hey, listen, this is,
uh, a little awkward,
130
00:04:54,045 --> 00:04:56,180
but, uh, you guys
are sitting in our booth.
131
00:04:56,214 --> 00:04:57,481
Listen here, pencil neck.
132
00:04:57,515 --> 00:04:59,349
This is our booth now,
and we ain't leaving.
133
00:04:59,384 --> 00:05:01,618
So, what are you gonna
do about it, bitch?
134
00:05:01,653 --> 00:05:03,587
Look, dudes, clearly
you don't want to move.
135
00:05:03,621 --> 00:05:04,788
And that's fine.
136
00:05:04,822 --> 00:05:06,256
We'll come back in an hour.
137
00:05:06,291 --> 00:05:09,293
Nice try, wheelie, but this
ain't your booth no more.
138
00:05:09,327 --> 00:05:11,828
That's right, we see you losers
anywhere near this booth,
139
00:05:11,863 --> 00:05:13,830
and we'll bust your kneecap.
140
00:05:13,865 --> 00:05:15,232
We're willing to take that risk.
141
00:05:15,266 --> 00:05:16,233
Shut up, Joe.
142
00:05:16,267 --> 00:05:17,568
All right,
I was hoping
143
00:05:17,602 --> 00:05:19,636
it wouldn't have
to come to this, but...
144
00:05:19,671 --> 00:05:22,039
you fellas are in big trouble.
145
00:05:24,676 --> 00:05:27,611
If, uh... if you could just
move back like eight feet.
146
00:05:27,645 --> 00:05:29,279
Is that my whip?
147
00:05:29,314 --> 00:05:30,280
Hey!
148
00:05:30,315 --> 00:05:32,416
Is that my Taser?
149
00:05:32,450 --> 00:05:34,770
All right, I'll just strangle
him with this Hawaiian shirt.
150
00:05:34,786 --> 00:05:36,653
Will you stop going
through my mail?!
151
00:05:36,688 --> 00:05:38,889
All right, bitches, either
you tuck your little wangs
152
00:05:38,923 --> 00:05:40,724
between your legs and
waddle out of here
153
00:05:40,758 --> 00:05:43,126
or we're gonna beat
the crap out of you.
154
00:05:43,161 --> 00:05:45,128
So, what's it gonna be?
155
00:05:45,163 --> 00:05:47,531
Uh, I think we're gonna
do the wang thing.
156
00:05:59,611 --> 00:06:01,378
What the hell?
157
00:06:01,412 --> 00:06:03,013
Ow!
158
00:06:03,047 --> 00:06:04,081
Ew!
159
00:06:04,115 --> 00:06:05,649
What's this?
160
00:06:09,520 --> 00:06:10,854
You son of a bitch!
161
00:06:10,888 --> 00:06:11,989
You gave me herpes!
162
00:06:12,023 --> 00:06:13,423
What?
What are you talking about?
163
00:06:13,458 --> 00:06:15,092
When we swapped blood!
Look at my lip!
164
00:06:15,126 --> 00:06:16,927
It's a disgusting herpes sore!
165
00:06:16,961 --> 00:06:17,995
And now I have some
166
00:06:18,029 --> 00:06:20,564
very uncomfortable
phone calls to make.
167
00:06:22,066 --> 00:06:23,567
Hola. Handy Manny's
repair shop.
168
00:06:23,601 --> 00:06:25,068
You break it...
169
00:06:25,103 --> 00:06:26,470
We fix it!
170
00:06:26,504 --> 00:06:27,938
Manny? Manny?
171
00:06:27,972 --> 00:06:30,207
I'm gonna need you to take me
off speakerphone for this.
172
00:06:34,698 --> 00:06:35,831
Stewie, that's crazy!
173
00:06:35,865 --> 00:06:37,199
There's no way
I gave you herpes.
174
00:06:37,233 --> 00:06:38,867
Then how do you explain this?!
175
00:06:38,902 --> 00:06:41,437
I don't know. You're a gross slut.
176
00:06:41,471 --> 00:06:42,705
Look, it-it can't be
my fault, Stewie.
177
00:06:42,739 --> 00:06:43,772
I don't even have herpes.
178
00:06:43,807 --> 00:06:45,207
Oh, yeah? Let me see!
179
00:06:45,241 --> 00:06:47,309
Hey, hey, hey! What are
you doing? Stop it!
180
00:06:48,978 --> 00:06:51,447
Ugh! Oh, my God!
Look at you!
181
00:06:51,481 --> 00:06:53,215
You're more herpes
than dog!
182
00:06:53,249 --> 00:06:54,450
Okay, fine! I admit it.
183
00:06:54,484 --> 00:06:55,651
I gave you herpes.
184
00:06:55,685 --> 00:06:57,186
You bastard!
185
00:06:57,220 --> 00:06:59,221
You knew you had herpes,
and-and you still agreed
186
00:06:59,255 --> 00:07:00,723
to swap blood with me!
187
00:07:00,757 --> 00:07:02,291
Relax, it's not
that big a deal.
188
00:07:02,325 --> 00:07:03,759
Not that big a deal?!
189
00:07:03,793 --> 00:07:06,462
It's a disgusting,
unsightly, unsavory disease,
190
00:07:06,496 --> 00:07:07,830
and it lasts for life!
191
00:07:07,864 --> 00:07:09,898
Yeah, but, you know, I mean,
isn't the worst thing
192
00:07:09,933 --> 00:07:11,734
about herpes just the stigma?
193
00:07:11,768 --> 00:07:13,669
I mean, like, what if it
wasn't called "herpes"?
194
00:07:13,703 --> 00:07:15,838
Like-like, what if it was
called "boppo," huh?
195
00:07:15,872 --> 00:07:17,072
Oh, I got a little boppo.
196
00:07:17,107 --> 00:07:18,774
Oh, that's cute.
Ah, I want boppo.
197
00:07:18,808 --> 00:07:20,275
You know, my uncle
was in the Army,
198
00:07:20,310 --> 00:07:22,411
and he got genital boppo
from a Saigon whore...
199
00:07:22,445 --> 00:07:23,712
Shut up! Just shut up!
200
00:07:23,747 --> 00:07:24,947
You should be
ashamed of yourself.
201
00:07:24,981 --> 00:07:26,115
I mean, look at me.
202
00:07:26,149 --> 00:07:28,317
And on the same day
I'm supposed to help
203
00:07:28,351 --> 00:07:30,385
with my friend's
wedding invitations.
204
00:07:30,420 --> 00:07:32,020
So, I was thinking, I know
205
00:07:32,055 --> 00:07:34,223
they're kind of
overused lately...
206
00:07:34,257 --> 00:07:37,726
but your colors should be,
like, yellow and gray.
207
00:07:41,231 --> 00:07:43,432
You know, I've always been
against destination weddings,
208
00:07:43,466 --> 00:07:50,806
but it's nice
to finally see Denver.
209
00:07:50,840 --> 00:07:52,808
And now, The History Channel
presents
210
00:07:52,842 --> 00:07:56,678
The Guy who Lived In-Between
the Hatfields and the McCoys.
211
00:07:57,714 --> 00:07:59,314
I'm just going to get my mail.
212
00:07:59,349 --> 00:08:01,450
And I'm not going to ask
who killed my daughter.
213
00:08:01,484 --> 00:08:02,618
It's water under the bridge.
214
00:08:02,652 --> 00:08:04,253
I'm just getting my mail.
215
00:08:04,287 --> 00:08:05,621
Aw, what happened?
I couldn't see.
216
00:08:05,655 --> 00:08:06,789
I have no idea.
217
00:08:06,823 --> 00:08:08,924
The TV is, like,
directly over my head.
218
00:08:08,958 --> 00:08:10,859
All I can see
are the spider veins
219
00:08:10,894 --> 00:08:12,961
of alcoholics wearing shorts.
220
00:08:15,498 --> 00:08:17,366
What?
I said...
221
00:08:17,400 --> 00:08:18,233
Huh?
222
00:08:18,268 --> 00:08:19,568
All I can see is...
223
00:08:19,602 --> 00:08:20,702
What? You can't see what?
224
00:08:20,737 --> 00:08:21,770
I can only see...
225
00:08:21,805 --> 00:08:23,005
What? Damn it, Peter!
226
00:08:23,039 --> 00:08:24,039
Ow!
227
00:08:24,073 --> 00:08:25,174
Joe, what are you
trying to say?!
228
00:08:25,208 --> 00:08:26,308
Eh, it doesn't matter.
229
00:08:26,342 --> 00:08:28,343
I just...
I hate sitting at the bar.
230
00:08:28,378 --> 00:08:29,912
I wish we had
our old booth back.
231
00:08:29,946 --> 00:08:30,979
Well, what are we
supposed to do?
232
00:08:31,014 --> 00:08:31,914
Fight those guys?
233
00:08:31,948 --> 00:08:33,415
They would've kicked our asses.
234
00:08:33,449 --> 00:08:34,850
Peter's right.
235
00:08:34,884 --> 00:08:37,019
We just got to accept
the fact that, well,
236
00:08:37,053 --> 00:08:39,054
we're... we're
kind of cowards.
237
00:08:39,088 --> 00:08:40,055
I know.
238
00:08:40,089 --> 00:08:40,923
Yesterday, I even went
239
00:08:40,957 --> 00:08:42,925
Cowards Anonymous meeting.
240
00:08:42,959 --> 00:08:45,194
Hello. My name's Cowardly Lion,
241
00:08:45,228 --> 00:08:46,728
and I'm a coward.
242
00:08:46,763 --> 00:08:48,564
I'm afraid of
small dogs,
243
00:08:48,598 --> 00:08:50,532
girls with pigtails,
flying monkeys...
244
00:08:50,567 --> 00:08:52,701
Wait-wait, th-there's...
there's flying monkeys?
245
00:08:52,735 --> 00:08:54,636
That's a thing?
Sure.
246
00:08:54,671 --> 00:08:56,371
They got sharp
fangs, claws...
247
00:08:56,406 --> 00:08:58,140
God, they sound terrifying!
248
00:08:58,174 --> 00:08:59,608
Wait, you think so, too?
249
00:08:59,642 --> 00:09:02,778
Yes, and fear is a logical
response to actual danger.
250
00:09:02,812 --> 00:09:05,247
Huh. I guess you're right.
251
00:09:06,282 --> 00:09:08,183
Hey. I'm the Rational Lion.
252
00:09:08,218 --> 00:09:10,219
So, guys.
253
00:09:14,791 --> 00:09:16,592
Whew, what a morning.
254
00:09:16,626 --> 00:09:18,460
By the time I got done
with my pubes,
255
00:09:18,494 --> 00:09:20,128
I just didn't feel
like shaving anymore.
256
00:09:20,163 --> 00:09:21,630
Hey, Charlotte.
257
00:09:21,664 --> 00:09:24,099
That's very cute, Stewie,
but if I let you dress up
258
00:09:24,133 --> 00:09:27,035
like Héctor Elizondo,
I have to let everyone.
259
00:09:28,404 --> 00:09:30,272
Oh, my God!
260
00:09:30,306 --> 00:09:33,508
Your mouth looks like
the underside of a boat!
261
00:09:34,711 --> 00:09:36,879
Good Lord, nobody wants
to be near me.
262
00:09:36,913 --> 00:09:39,748
This is lonelier
than a Kennedy family reunion.
263
00:09:39,782 --> 00:09:42,251
Where is everybody?
264
00:09:42,285 --> 00:09:44,219
Oh, yeah, they're dead.
265
00:09:49,259 --> 00:09:52,194
All right, flight attendants,
please prepare for crosscheck.
266
00:09:52,228 --> 00:09:53,729
I'm not crosschecking anything.
267
00:09:53,763 --> 00:09:56,131
I heard what happened
to you at The Drunken Clam.
268
00:09:56,165 --> 00:09:58,300
I'm not doing
what you tell me to do.
269
00:09:58,334 --> 00:10:00,035
I'll do what he tells me to do.
270
00:10:00,069 --> 00:10:01,803
I was in the military
for 30 years
271
00:10:01,838 --> 00:10:02,938
back when that
meant something.
272
00:10:02,972 --> 00:10:04,773
I don't deal
with gay people.
273
00:10:04,807 --> 00:10:07,309
See? Him I respect.
274
00:10:09,746 --> 00:10:11,780
Hey, Bonnie,
you want to fool around?
275
00:10:11,814 --> 00:10:13,115
I bought one of those
276
00:10:13,149 --> 00:10:14,816
crippled-guy robot suits
from Avatar,
277
00:10:14,851 --> 00:10:16,718
so now I can be on top.
278
00:10:16,753 --> 00:10:18,186
No, thanks, Joe.
279
00:10:18,221 --> 00:10:19,855
I heard about what
happened at the Clam,
280
00:10:19,889 --> 00:10:21,690
and I'm not interested
in having sex
281
00:10:21,724 --> 00:10:23,358
with a quarter of a man.
282
00:10:23,393 --> 00:10:24,893
Hey, I'm half a man!
283
00:10:24,928 --> 00:10:26,728
Not anymore.
284
00:10:26,763 --> 00:10:30,198
Fine. Well, I'm gonna
go sleep on the couch.
285
00:10:30,233 --> 00:10:31,533
You need something, Joe?
286
00:10:31,567 --> 00:10:33,802
Yes, Elton, I'd like
to sleep on the couch.
287
00:10:33,836 --> 00:10:35,837
All right, Joe. Come on.
288
00:10:38,441 --> 00:10:40,142
♪ Love lift us up
289
00:10:40,176 --> 00:10:42,844
♪ Where we belong.
290
00:10:45,615 --> 00:10:47,683
Hey, Chris, your mom's
done with the laundry.
291
00:10:47,717 --> 00:10:48,817
Can you help her fold?
292
00:10:48,851 --> 00:10:50,385
No, but you know what?
293
00:10:50,420 --> 00:10:51,787
You put on her bra.
294
00:10:51,821 --> 00:10:53,188
I-I don't want to.
295
00:10:53,222 --> 00:10:54,389
Well, you're gonna.
296
00:10:54,424 --> 00:10:56,464
Everybody heard about what
happened over at the Clam
297
00:10:56,492 --> 00:10:58,527
and how those guys
made you their bitch.
298
00:10:58,561 --> 00:11:00,262
Um, okay.
299
00:11:02,465 --> 00:11:03,832
That's right, you wuss.
300
00:11:03,866 --> 00:11:05,400
In fact,
the way I see it,
301
00:11:05,435 --> 00:11:06,935
I'm the man
of the house now.
302
00:11:06,970 --> 00:11:08,370
Which means
there's gonna be
303
00:11:08,404 --> 00:11:11,606
some big changes
around here.
304
00:11:11,641 --> 00:11:13,675
It's not very
comfortable, Chris.
305
00:11:13,710 --> 00:11:15,077
My back kind of hurts.
306
00:11:15,111 --> 00:11:16,912
I'm just staring up
at the ceiling.
307
00:11:16,946 --> 00:11:18,046
Shut up!
308
00:11:18,081 --> 00:11:20,615
I promised changes,
and I delivered!
309
00:11:24,320 --> 00:11:27,622
We now return
to Bryan Cranston Sneezes.
310
00:11:29,525 --> 00:11:31,326
Thank you.
311
00:11:32,962 --> 00:11:34,663
Um, Rupert?
312
00:11:34,697 --> 00:11:37,966
You know how we promised
never to lie to each other?
313
00:11:38,001 --> 00:11:39,935
Well, I lied earlier tonight.
314
00:11:39,969 --> 00:11:42,904
It's not a burn from
Dunkin' Donuts coffee.
315
00:11:42,939 --> 00:11:43,972
It's herpes.
316
00:11:44,007 --> 00:11:45,607
You should get yourself tested.
317
00:11:45,641 --> 00:11:46,808
Hey, Stewie.
318
00:11:46,843 --> 00:11:48,443
How long have you
been there?
319
00:11:48,478 --> 00:11:50,012
Long enough to know
you have herpes
320
00:11:50,046 --> 00:11:52,014
and do weird stuff
with your teddy bear.
321
00:11:52,048 --> 00:11:53,682
Yeah, no,
he does weird stuff.
322
00:11:53,716 --> 00:11:55,350
I-I just don't stop him.
323
00:11:55,385 --> 00:11:58,520
Yeah, well, I just wanted to
let you know you're not alone.
324
00:11:58,554 --> 00:11:59,955
Oh, yeah? How so?
325
00:12:02,525 --> 00:12:04,626
Good Lord!
You've got herpes, too?
326
00:12:04,660 --> 00:12:07,929
This house is like backstage
at a Whitesnake concert!
327
00:12:07,964 --> 00:12:10,599
Not only that, but I
also got it from Brian.
328
00:12:10,633 --> 00:12:12,334
We're blood brothers, too.
329
00:12:12,368 --> 00:12:14,002
You... you are?
330
00:12:14,037 --> 00:12:16,905
Yup, he knew he had herpes
and he didn't say anything.
331
00:12:16,939 --> 00:12:18,673
Maybe he was mad
I gave him fleas.
332
00:12:18,708 --> 00:12:19,975
I don't know.
333
00:12:20,009 --> 00:12:21,309
That bastard!
334
00:12:21,344 --> 00:12:23,011
Well, we need
to teach him a lesson.
335
00:12:23,046 --> 00:12:24,146
He's a menace.
336
00:12:24,180 --> 00:12:26,982
Like that coked-up giraffe
at Studio 54.
337
00:12:27,950 --> 00:12:29,651
Yup, yup, people are watching.
338
00:12:29,685 --> 00:12:31,820
I'm that good.
339
00:12:36,259 --> 00:12:37,492
Are you Donna Summer?
340
00:12:37,527 --> 00:12:38,560
Why, yes, I am.
341
00:12:38,594 --> 00:12:40,629
I just want to thank you
for helping me reach
342
00:12:40,663 --> 00:12:43,765
a state of cocaine-fueled
1970s euphoria.
343
00:12:43,800 --> 00:12:45,300
Robert Mapplethorpe?
344
00:12:45,334 --> 00:12:47,502
Can I put this fire extinguisher
someplace interesting
345
00:12:47,537 --> 00:12:49,104
and take your picture?
346
00:12:49,138 --> 00:12:51,239
I would love that!
347
00:12:59,549 --> 00:13:01,850
Um, uh, Meg,
can you, um...
348
00:13:01,884 --> 00:13:03,185
can you please
pass the milk?
349
00:13:03,219 --> 00:13:04,186
Shut up, Dad.
350
00:13:04,220 --> 00:13:05,253
Okay, okay. I'm sorry.
351
00:13:05,288 --> 00:13:06,688
I'm sorry. I'll shut up.
What?!
352
00:13:06,722 --> 00:13:07,722
She-she's right, Lois.
She's right.
353
00:13:07,757 --> 00:13:08,924
I-I don't need milk.
354
00:13:08,958 --> 00:13:10,859
I'll just moisten
my cereal with spit.
355
00:13:11,761 --> 00:13:13,361
Mmm, mmm, good spit.
356
00:13:13,396 --> 00:13:15,297
Peter, what the
hell is going on?
357
00:13:15,331 --> 00:13:17,599
Please tell me this isn't still
about how you punked out
358
00:13:17,633 --> 00:13:19,334
in front of those
guys at the Clam.
359
00:13:19,368 --> 00:13:20,469
Oh, God, you're angry.
360
00:13:20,503 --> 00:13:21,503
I'll clean the dishes.
361
00:13:21,537 --> 00:13:23,138
Peter, stop it!
362
00:13:23,172 --> 00:13:25,006
Are... are you crying?
363
00:13:25,041 --> 00:13:26,007
No!
364
00:13:26,042 --> 00:13:27,275
Oh, this is insane.
365
00:13:27,310 --> 00:13:29,544
Peter, I want you
to march down to the Clam
366
00:13:29,579 --> 00:13:32,280
right now and get
your booth back.
367
00:13:32,315 --> 00:13:34,316
Oh my God, Lois, you're right.
368
00:13:34,350 --> 00:13:37,219
If they see me crying, they'll
have to give us our booth back.
369
00:13:37,253 --> 00:13:40,422
No! I'm saying you got to go
down there and take it back.
370
00:13:40,456 --> 00:13:42,023
Like a man.
371
00:13:42,058 --> 00:13:44,426
Yeah.
I mean, I mean, yeah!
372
00:13:44,460 --> 00:13:46,828
I am going to the Clam and
I'm getting my booth back.
373
00:13:46,863 --> 00:13:48,196
And, Meg, you're gay.
374
00:13:48,231 --> 00:13:49,197
No, I'm not.
375
00:13:49,232 --> 00:13:50,198
You like guys, right?
376
00:13:50,233 --> 00:13:51,066
Yeah.
377
00:13:51,100 --> 00:13:52,767
Yeah, that's
called being gay.
378
00:13:58,581 --> 00:13:59,714
Hey.
379
00:13:59,749 --> 00:14:01,283
Uh, hey, Kevin.
380
00:14:01,317 --> 00:14:04,252
You, uh... you smell
like a rabbit, buddy.
381
00:14:04,287 --> 00:14:06,121
Did something just
happen with a rabbit?
382
00:14:06,155 --> 00:14:08,690
I'll go get my dad.
383
00:14:08,724 --> 00:14:09,958
Listen, you guys.
384
00:14:09,992 --> 00:14:11,092
I think we're
all suffering
385
00:14:11,127 --> 00:14:12,561
from what happened
down at the Clam.
386
00:14:12,595 --> 00:14:13,995
Yeah, I had to
start taking pills
387
00:14:14,030 --> 00:14:15,897
so I'd stop
thinking about it.
388
00:14:15,932 --> 00:14:17,399
Quagmire, that's a Cialis.
389
00:14:17,433 --> 00:14:19,701
That's right, I'm not
thinking about it anymore.
390
00:14:19,735 --> 00:14:21,736
I'm thinking
about that couch.
391
00:14:21,771 --> 00:14:23,505
Well, I think
we gave up too easy.
392
00:14:23,539 --> 00:14:25,407
We need to march
back down to the Clam
393
00:14:25,441 --> 00:14:26,608
and take back what's ours.
394
00:14:26,642 --> 00:14:28,610
He's right.
We need to sit up to those guys.
395
00:14:28,644 --> 00:14:29,744
No way.
396
00:14:29,779 --> 00:14:31,012
You want to get
yourselves killed,
397
00:14:31,047 --> 00:14:32,514
that's your business,
but I'm not going.
398
00:14:32,548 --> 00:14:34,182
Fine, me and Joe
will go without you.
399
00:14:34,217 --> 00:14:36,017
But just know
you're letting us down.
400
00:14:36,052 --> 00:14:37,586
We're supposed
to stick together.
401
00:14:37,588 --> 00:14:40,021
Like goatee guys
at a barbecue.
402
00:14:41,591 --> 00:14:44,059
Do you mind if I stand next
to you while we eat standing?
403
00:14:44,093 --> 00:14:45,527
No problem.
404
00:14:45,561 --> 00:14:46,962
Hey, let's go grab
some good beer
405
00:14:46,996 --> 00:14:49,231
even though we
brought the bad beer.
406
00:14:49,265 --> 00:14:51,399
And these two barbecue scumbags
407
00:14:51,434 --> 00:14:53,401
formed a lifelong friendship
408
00:14:53,436 --> 00:14:57,005
until their deaths
at the ripe old age of 52
409
00:14:57,039 --> 00:15:00,976
in separate ATV accidents.
410
00:15:04,614 --> 00:15:06,175
You know, I'm so glad
you finally agreed
411
00:15:06,182 --> 00:15:07,182
to go out with me, Jenna.
412
00:15:07,216 --> 00:15:09,517
Me, too. I'm having
a really nice time.
413
00:15:09,552 --> 00:15:11,052
You seem like a great guy.
414
00:15:11,087 --> 00:15:13,188
Yes, thank you, we'll take
the table in the corner,
415
00:15:13,222 --> 00:15:14,422
next to the herpes dog.
416
00:15:14,457 --> 00:15:15,790
Oh, hey, Brian.
417
00:15:15,825 --> 00:15:17,459
And who's your date?
418
00:15:17,493 --> 00:15:19,661
Wow, you must be
such a good person
419
00:15:19,695 --> 00:15:22,831
to knowingly go out with
a herpes-riddled dirtbag.
420
00:15:22,865 --> 00:15:25,166
Ew! I'm sorry, Brian.
421
00:15:25,201 --> 00:15:27,569
I-I've got to go.
422
00:15:27,603 --> 00:15:28,703
Damn it, you guys!
423
00:15:28,738 --> 00:15:30,739
Her dad's really rich!
424
00:15:34,210 --> 00:15:35,477
Wow, you weren't kidding.
425
00:15:35,511 --> 00:15:36,878
Yeah.
426
00:15:40,283 --> 00:15:42,417
Hey, you bums!
427
00:15:42,451 --> 00:15:44,152
If you bastards
want our booth,
428
00:15:44,186 --> 00:15:46,321
you got to go
through us to get it.
429
00:15:46,355 --> 00:15:48,924
Smells like this guy's
already wet himself.
430
00:15:48,958 --> 00:15:50,292
Don't flatter yourself.
431
00:15:50,326 --> 00:15:51,760
That was from this morning.
432
00:15:51,794 --> 00:15:53,828
Oh, man, this is gonna be fun.
433
00:15:53,863 --> 00:15:55,964
Yeah, and there's only
two of you losers.
434
00:15:55,998 --> 00:15:57,465
Where's your skinny friend?
435
00:15:57,500 --> 00:15:58,967
Right here.
436
00:16:01,537 --> 00:16:03,171
Quagmire! You came!
437
00:16:03,205 --> 00:16:04,239
Sure did, Peter.
438
00:16:04,273 --> 00:16:05,807
Thanks for calling me
skinny, by the way.
439
00:16:05,841 --> 00:16:06,975
I realized you
were right.
440
00:16:07,009 --> 00:16:08,710
If we don't stand up
for ourselves now,
441
00:16:08,744 --> 00:16:10,812
we'll regret it
for the rest of our lives.
442
00:16:10,846 --> 00:16:13,615
And this might be the stupidest
thing I've ever done, but...
443
00:16:14,817 --> 00:16:17,352
Oh, now you're gonna get it.
444
00:16:27,763 --> 00:16:29,364
Whelp, I'm out.
445
00:16:31,133 --> 00:16:32,300
Aah!
446
00:16:36,973 --> 00:16:38,606
Hey! That was my pool cue.
447
00:16:38,641 --> 00:16:40,241
I brought it from home.
448
00:16:40,276 --> 00:16:41,776
Oh, sorry.
449
00:16:41,811 --> 00:16:42,911
It screws together.
450
00:16:42,945 --> 00:16:45,380
And I even have
this special little case for it.
451
00:16:45,414 --> 00:16:47,248
I-I feel bad now. I...
452
00:16:47,283 --> 00:16:50,952
Aah!
453
00:16:50,987 --> 00:16:52,020
Hyah!
454
00:16:52,054 --> 00:16:53,888
Hey, that was my
Pawtucket Patriot sign.
455
00:16:53,923 --> 00:16:55,790
I brought it from home.
456
00:16:55,825 --> 00:16:58,059
Okay, now I'm starting
to doubt everything you said.
457
00:17:00,896 --> 00:17:02,864
All right, guys,
I know this looks desperate,
458
00:17:02,898 --> 00:17:05,100
but I've got
this can of spinach.
459
00:17:18,381 --> 00:17:20,348
Aah!
460
00:17:41,837 --> 00:17:43,338
Aw, God, it's all watery.
461
00:17:43,372 --> 00:17:44,506
Aah!
462
00:17:44,540 --> 00:17:46,975
You know, I almost said
"no chairs" at the beginning.
463
00:17:49,045 --> 00:17:50,845
Haven't you guys
had enough?
464
00:17:50,880 --> 00:17:53,681
Why don't you just admit
you're beat and get out of here?
465
00:17:53,716 --> 00:17:54,682
Okay.
466
00:17:54,717 --> 00:17:56,117
No! Never!
467
00:17:56,152 --> 00:17:58,286
We will never stop fighting
for this booth.
468
00:17:58,320 --> 00:18:00,121
This booth is my home.
469
00:18:00,156 --> 00:18:01,589
I was born in this booth.
470
00:18:01,624 --> 00:18:03,058
I was married in this booth.
471
00:18:03,092 --> 00:18:05,293
My children were all conceived
in this booth.
472
00:18:05,327 --> 00:18:07,896
Hell, I witnessed every
significant historical event
473
00:18:07,930 --> 00:18:09,431
in my lifetime right here!
474
00:18:09,465 --> 00:18:12,067
I was in this booth
when the Challenger exploded.
475
00:18:12,101 --> 00:18:14,402
Oh, my God, no!
476
00:18:14,437 --> 00:18:16,371
I was in this booth on 9/11.
477
00:18:16,405 --> 00:18:18,440
Oh, my God, no!
478
00:18:18,474 --> 00:18:21,376
I was in this booth when
President Obama was elected.
479
00:18:21,410 --> 00:18:23,611
Oh, my God, no!
480
00:18:23,646 --> 00:18:25,880
So, if you want this booth,
you're gonna have
481
00:18:25,915 --> 00:18:28,783
to pry it
from my cold, dead hands.
482
00:18:28,818 --> 00:18:30,552
Why are we even bothering
with these idiots?
483
00:18:30,586 --> 00:18:33,221
We're shipping out to
Afghanistan tomorrow.
484
00:18:33,255 --> 00:18:34,722
You guys are soldiers?
485
00:18:34,757 --> 00:18:36,758
It's our
third tour of duty.
486
00:18:44,333 --> 00:18:47,102
If I could touch my own head,
I'd salute you.
487
00:18:49,271 --> 00:18:51,639
With his head,
I salute you.
488
00:18:51,674 --> 00:18:53,808
Everyone,
I declare this to be
489
00:18:53,843 --> 00:18:55,743
These Three Guys Day.
490
00:18:55,778 --> 00:18:58,613
And not
These Three Guys Day.
491
00:19:07,022 --> 00:19:10,592
I can't believe I have
to root for Afghanistan now.
492
00:19:15,331 --> 00:19:16,331
Ah, damn it!
493
00:19:19,335 --> 00:19:20,668
Stewie! Chris!
494
00:19:20,703 --> 00:19:21,936
Yes, Brian?
495
00:19:21,971 --> 00:19:23,471
You hacked my
Facebook account!
496
00:19:23,506 --> 00:19:26,007
Oh, yes, we actually just
changed your profile picture.
497
00:19:29,812 --> 00:19:31,913
Aah! Damn it!
Look, enough, okay?
498
00:19:31,947 --> 00:19:33,781
What the hell do you
guys want from me?!
499
00:19:33,816 --> 00:19:35,016
I want to drive
your Prius
500
00:19:35,050 --> 00:19:37,352
to the end of the block
all by myself.
501
00:19:37,386 --> 00:19:38,553
That's it?
Yes.
502
00:19:38,587 --> 00:19:40,321
Okay.
503
00:19:40,356 --> 00:19:41,990
Yay!
504
00:19:50,232 --> 00:19:52,867
That's, uh... that's way past
the end of the block.
505
00:19:52,902 --> 00:19:54,135
Yeah, his room's empty.
506
00:19:54,170 --> 00:19:55,537
I don't think
he's coming back.
507
00:19:55,571 --> 00:19:56,704
Huh.
508
00:19:56,739 --> 00:19:57,906
Well, what about you?
509
00:19:57,940 --> 00:20:00,041
I want to go on a date
with Neve Campbell
510
00:20:00,075 --> 00:20:02,243
so I can give her a
nice ladle of Stew.
511
00:20:02,278 --> 00:20:04,979
What? How am I supposed
to even find her?
512
00:20:05,014 --> 00:20:07,215
Damn it, Stewie, why are you
being so vindictive?
513
00:20:07,249 --> 00:20:09,551
Because, Brian,
for the first time in my life,
514
00:20:09,585 --> 00:20:11,686
I realized I couldn't trust you.
515
00:20:11,720 --> 00:20:14,656
I couldn't trust
my own best friend.
516
00:20:15,691 --> 00:20:18,459
I... I'm sorry, Stewie.
517
00:20:18,494 --> 00:20:21,229
You're right. I let you down.
518
00:20:21,263 --> 00:20:23,565
I guess... I guess
I was just too embarrassed
519
00:20:23,599 --> 00:20:24,999
to admit I had herpes.
520
00:20:25,034 --> 00:20:26,935
It was a rotten thing to do,
521
00:20:26,969 --> 00:20:29,571
and I promise I will
never lie to you again.
522
00:20:29,605 --> 00:20:31,005
Thanks Brian.
523
00:20:31,040 --> 00:20:33,174
That's all I really wanted.
524
00:20:33,209 --> 00:20:35,610
So, do you forgive me?
525
00:20:35,644 --> 00:20:37,745
Yes. I do.
526
00:20:40,049 --> 00:20:42,483
So, I'm gonna have herpes
for the rest of my life, huh?
527
00:20:42,518 --> 00:20:45,019
Yeah, but most of the time,
it won't even be an issue.
528
00:20:45,054 --> 00:20:47,627
It only really flares up
during periods of great stress.
529
00:20:47,628 --> 00:20:50,497
Like your wedding day
or a big job interview.
530
00:20:50,531 --> 00:20:52,574
So, what would you say some
of your weaknesses are?
531
00:20:53,933 --> 00:20:55,545
That... that-that's
probably one of them.
532
00:20:55,546 --> 00:20:57,266
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man