So, Patrick, are you saying that you were an angry baby?
No, I think more of a sardonic baby.
My first word was,
[flatly] "Really?"
What the hell does sardonic mean?
[Flatly] Really?
Well, we're out of time, so I will see you all next week.
Lacey, can you hang back for a minute?
- What's up? - Look, I think you and I both know
that there's something going on between us
and we need to talk about it.
Oh, my God.
Are we actually, like, acknowledging this?
It's wrong, but there's nothing I can do about it.
- I want you. - 'Kay.
- You are so amazing. - I know, right?
What the hell? Charlie?
Okay, that's it.
No more not drinking before bed.
[Theme music playing]
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[knocks on door]
Coming.
- Hey. - What the hell are you doing with that?
I'm selling them door to door.
Good evening, miss. Is there someone less aggressive I could talk to?
Sam called you, didn't she?
Yeah, she said that your vacuum cleaner died, so I brought you one.
Because she's been vacuuming the house
for the last seven hours and wore it out.
Aha! So it didn't die.
- It was murdered. - I'm serious, Charlie.
Her OCD's acting up. It's her English class.
Sam's a straight-A student, but no matter how hard she works,
she can't get an A out of this teacher and it's driving her nuts.
God, I hated English. I always cut that class.
And those English teachers with their stupid vocabulary quizzes.
They were also so... so...
why can't I ever find the right words?
My God. Thank you so much.
I still have the whole upstairs to do.
- Did you bring the extension cord? - Sam, Sam, you're obsessing.
What's going on with your English teacher?
I don't know what the woman wants.
Look, you're stuck in a pattern, okay?
So I want you to go upstairs and do anything but vacuum.
Fine, I'll just go upstairs
and start a dangerous relationship with an Internet predator.
Go for it. As long as he doesn't bring you a vacuum.
You've gotta go see that teacher.
- Okay, when do you wanna go? - Oh, no. I shouldn't go.
You know me, when it comes to Sam, I'm too defensive.
Remember when she was 12 and I yelled at that jackass for calling her short?
That was his job. You had to be this tall to get on the roller coaster.
- And, Ed, how was your weekend? - I got into a fender bender.
The other driver was elderly
and she was a woman
and, surprise, surprise, she was an Asian.
I hit the trifecta.
What happened? Did you swerve to avoid hitting
the sneaky Arab or carload of Mexicans?
- Now you're being ridiculous. - Okay, that's true.
You wouldn't swerve.
All right, we're out of time, folks. I'll see you all next week.
- Lacey, can I talk to you for a second? - Oh, God. It's happening.
Everything okay? You spent the whole session staring at me.
If I didn't know better, I'd think you were paying attention.
No, that'd be silly,
but I can't really talk about it.
Not with you.
You can tell me anything. You told me that you got high at your grandmother's funeral.
- Is this worse than that? - That was 2010, Charlie.
Attitudes about drugs were very different back then.
And, uh, I can't talk to you about it
because it's...
it's a woman's problem.
Would you feel more comfortable talking to a female therapist?
- I could ask Kate. - Yeah, Kate would be perfect.
She knows me and she knows you...
♪ My nature. ♪
- Miss Hippert? - Oh, you must be Samantha's dad.
So sorry I'm late. I was gonna shoot you a text,
but my dog ate the phone.
No?
Go ahead and have a seat.
Yeah, the chairs are a lot bigger now that obesity is such a problem.
Listen, I know you're really busy and I really appreciate you seeing me.
It's just that my daughter Sam
is having kind of a hard time in your class.
Really? Well, she has a B average.
- A B's a very good grade. - Oh, I know.
I was one of those jocks who used to make fun of the guys who got Bs.
In fact, the one time I got a B, I had to stick my own head
in the toilet and give myself a swirly.
And your daughter's different.
I get it, but the only time I give As is for truly outstanding work.
I understand that grading essays is subjective,
but if I can go home with a list of criteria that Sam could work towards
to raise her grade, that would be great.
Absolutely.
- I'd be happy to. - Thanks.
It's funny, my ex was afraid that this is gonna be very confrontational.
Oh, no. They always go really well.
Except for the ones where the single dads come in and try to hit on me.
I would never do that.
Yeah.
Eh, do you want me to do that?
Um, well, believe me,
normally I would never even think about dating a parent,
but in two weeks,
I'm moving to Portugal to teach English,
so it's not really an issue.
- Portugal? - Yeah.
So, as long as we're discreet,
I won't get in trouble and your daughter won't get embarrassed.
Fine, if anyone asks, Portugal.
That's our story.
No, I mean, I really am moving to Portugal.
Oh, yes, you are. That's what makes this okay.
No, seriously. It's been a dream of mine
ever since I studied Portuguese history in college.
Wow, you have a whole backstory. That is a serious commitment.
[Speaks Portuguese]
And you learned that language. How long were you waiting for me
to come in here and complain about my daughter?
Okay, you.
- So when are we getting together? - How 'bout tonight?
Oh, gosh. I wish, but I've got a ton of papers to grade.
Oh.
Okay, 10 more papers
and then I wanna do that again.
I gotta tell ya, you have really set the bar high
for parent-teacher conferences.
So it's really awkward because I'm sitting there in group
and all I can think about is seeing Charlie naked.
Has anything like that ever happened to you?
Seeing Charlie naked?
No, of course not. I've never seen Charlie naked.
I mean, having a dream like that.
Oh, right. Dream.
Well, we all have strange dreams.
Well, can you at least hypnotize me
or give me some kind of drug that might make them stop?
I'm afraid it's not that easy.
So there's no drugs at all?
- No. - Can you at least look into it?
No. It's very natural to have dreams
about someone in a position of power whom we admire.
Oh, so what you're saying
is I'm not really in love with Charlie.
No.
I'm talking about idol worship.
Subconsciously, you're so impressed
with Charlie's insights that you're imbuing him with the sexual prowess
that matches what you believe to be his mental acuity.
Wow.
You are, like, super smart.
And you are super observant.
- Thank you. - Now here's what you're going to do.
- You're going to keep a dream journal. - Uh-huh.
- Because once you gain control of these fantasies,
- Yeah.
- They will no longer control you. - Wow.
- Do everything I say... - Okay.
- ...and your life will be better. - That's awesome.
Are you gonna say something after everything I say?
I don't think I can help it.
Hey, Charles. Wanna play some pool?
Sorry, dude. I threw my back out.
- Aren't you going out tonight? - I wish.
You know it's rough out there
when a millionaire tech mogul
like myself can't get a date.
What, the thousandaire real estate agent wasn't working for ya?
No, that only got me obtainable-age-appropriate women.
What about you? You got something going on?
Well, yeah.
Yeah, I met someone really hot, but it's complicated.
If she's hot, what's so complicated?
I met her at Sam's school.
Oh, cool.
What grade?
It's her teacher.
Well, that's a more mature form of terrible judgment.
I know, but no one's gonna find out
because she's moving to Portugal in a week.
Thank God because the woman is wearing me out.
Every session is a marathon.
How's the medal ceremony?
It's fantastic. It just takes forever to get her to the podium.
Who do you pretend to be to get women like that?
Navy SEAL, president, what?
I just told her I was Sam's father.
Oh, I'll try it, but I don't have high hopes.
Look, just make sure that you are good in bed.
Sam's grades might depend on it.
What the hell are you talking about?
You know what?
I used to date my female karate instructor,
but I never got my black belt.
You know why? Because I was terrible in bed.
In my defense, she'd spend the previous half hour
trying to kick me in the balls,
so I was a little flinchy.
That's just stupid.
There's no way that my performance in bed is gonna affect Sam's grades.
So the teacher hasn't made any comments?
Well, yeah.
I mean, last night, she made a joke about me
doing B-plus work, but so what?
That wasn't a joke.
- Hey, Dad. - Hey, sweetie.
- How are ya? - Not great.
What's the matter?
I worked so hard on this essay and I only got a B-plus.
Huh, B-plus, eh?
Started out strong, but left me wanting more.
You were supposed to talk to her teacher. Did you go down there?
Yeah, Charles. Did you go down there?
Of course I went down there.
- How many times? - Just the once, but I was very thorough.
So you really gave it to her?
Oh, yeah. You should've seen me. You would've been proud of me.
Look, Sam. Miss Hippert's obviously a tough teacher,
but you keep pushing, I bet she'll finally give up that A.
Well, I think that about covers it.
Sam, I need to go over some stuff with Dad.
Can you give us a minute?
Sam, we love how driven you are,
but if you ever failed, you know it's not the end of the world.
That's the worst advice you've ever given me, Dad.
That's not true.
I told you to take ballet $5,000 ago.
Man.
Her OCD is kicking in big time.
I found a DustBuster in her backpack.
She says it's not hers, but every night she locks her bedroom door
and I know she's in there vacuuming the rug.
What are you saying, that our daughter's doing rugs?
Yeah, Charlie. Your daughter has a rug problem.
I mean, I gotta tell you, she's a mess.
I don't know what it's gonna take to get her to get an A.
I don't either.
[Panting] So... did I... do good...
Miss Hippert?
"Well," Charlie. You did well.
Sorry I took so long.
Are you kidding? It was great.
As long as the phone call I had to make in the middle
and cancel an appointment didn't bother you.
You were like a man on a mission tonight.
Well, I just wanted to make sure I aced that one.
You're really getting off on this whole student-teacher thing, aren't you?
Yeah, playing games is fun.
I think I did pretty well on the test.
There was some stuff in the middle I was guessing on, but I think I still got an A.
You're just going to have to wait for your report card, young man.
Are you feeling what I'm feeling?
I don't know. Are you feeling like you did
permanent ligament damage to one of your fingers?
I mean, about us.
Yeah, it's a shame that you have to go away in a few days.
[Strained] I think we really have something here.
That's what I was thinking, too.
So I cancelled my plans for Portugal.
- Excuse me? - I'm staying.
But... but... but you can't.
It'll be a disaster... for the children of Portugal.
They can wait.
Do you know how hard it is to find a guy as patient and as generous as you?
Do you know how hard it is to find someone who can translate.
"Oliver Twist" into Portuguese?
"Please, sir. May I have some más, por favor?"
I know this is kind of a surprise,
but we'll be fine as long as we're discreet.
You're okay with this, right?
Okay with you being Sam's teacher for the rest of the year?
Yeah, and next year, too.
They're moving me to the 10th grade.
Wouldn't it be crazy if I was Sam's teacher for all four years?
- [laughs] - [Laughs, groans]
So, looking back over your journal, have you noticed any patterns in your dreams?
Well, there is one thing.
In all of them, everything will be going along super normal,
and then out of nowhere,
someone will say something really sexual.
I can see your panties.
Yeah, just like that.
No, really. I can see your panties.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Don't apologize.
I like it.
It's happening.
You are so hot.
I know, right?
So, we gonna do this?
Sure, why not?
Okay, seriously?
What the hell is going on with me?
And where did Kate get those shoes?
Coming.
- Jen, we have to talk. - What's wrong?
Okay, how do I put this without freaking you out?
You know that thing
where you're not supposed to sleep with your kid's teacher?
- Charlie. - It's not my fault.
She promised she'd have sex with me and then leave the country.
I've been looking for that deal my whole life.
- You're disgusting. - And I'm exhausted.
Do you have any idea what it's like to have sex with this woman?
I feel like...
who's the Greek guy who kept trying to push that giant rock up the hill?
Syphilis.
Dear God, I hope not.
Why, Charlie?
With Sam's teacher? What were you thinking?
Okay, okay. I know it was a bad call, but I figured, two weeks, what could go wrong?
And how was I supposed to know she'd be linking
Sam's grades to my sexual performance?
Oh, there's no way she's doing that.
I know it sounds crazy, but she is.
[Sighs] How did you get yourself into this situation?
- You're such a moron. - I know.
But don't worry, I'm gonna break up with her.
- Oh, no, you're not. - What?
Sam's OCD's getting worse. She's driving me crazy.
You're gonna keep sleeping with this woman until Sam gets an A.
You're not my wife anymore.
You can't just run around forcing me to sleep with people.
I'm serious, Charlie.
If she's petty enough to grade you in bed,
she's petty enough to take it out on Sam if you break up with her.
All right, fine.
My... my back is messed up,
my jaw's killing me, and I'm pretty sure that three of my tattoos
are starting to rub off.
Oh, and by the way, B-plus?
You're gonna have to step it up, mister.
For God's sakes, woman.
I don't know what else there is to do with a penis.
Years ago, I said the exact same thing to you,
and I'm gonna tell you what you told me.
"Baby, keep trying."
Hey, Charlie.
I know your teacher's coming over, but you got a couple of eggs?
- I'm making a cake. - A cake?
If you wanna see what she looks like, just say so.
I'm not that desperate.
All right, fine. You're making a cake.
[Whistles]
- Here you go. - What are those for?
- The cake. - Oh, right.
- She's not gonna be here for another hour. - Damn it.
[Cell phone chimes]
Oh, that's impossible.
- What happened? - Sam got a D.
That stupid teacher gave me a D.
I'm screwing my daughter into a community college.
[Knocking on door]
Charlie?
Oh, hey. Come in. Come in.
Sorry, I was just vacuuming.
I don't know why.
- Is everything okay? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Actually, no. I need to ask you a question.
Am I satisfying you?
What do you mean?
Look, I understand that sex is objective,
but if you could give me a list of criteria to work on
to raise my grade, that would be awesome.
You're doing great. Gold star for Charlie.
- Then why did Sam get a D? - What?
Oh, come on. We both know that you're giving Sam bad grades
based on something... God knows what...
that I'm not doing for you in bed.
What kind of twisted person do you think I am?
Obviously, if I knew, I'd be getting an A.
- You're insane. - Am I?
What about the B-plus you gave Sam the morning
after you said I was a B-plus in bed?
Well, that was a coincidence.
You both did above average, but not excellent work.
Oh, come on. My kid's never got a C in her life, let alone a D.
Have you read her essay?
I don't have to. I know what my kid's capable of.
Well, I brought it with me to discuss with you
because I was concerned about it.
Read it.
"'A Long Day's Journey Into Night'"
is a play about a journey,
a very important journey
that goes so long it eventually turns into...
"night."
That's a D paper, Charlie.
I don't understand. Why would Sam write a paper like this?
Yeah, that's what I was gonna ask you
before you started accusing me of having absolutely no morals.
Oh, my God. I feel like such an idiot.
Of course I didn't get a D.
- Good-bye, Charlie. - I'm... I'm sorry.
If I did get a grade, what would it be?
[Car starts]
If it's an A, just ignore me and drive home.
Yes.
- Hi, sweetie. - Hey.
- Can we talk for a minute? - Sure.
Listen, I spoke to your teacher yesterday about your essay.
I'm gonna ask you one question and I want an honest answer.
Okay.
Did you let your mom write your paper for you?
No. I wrote it.
Wasn't it horrible?
Any essay that ends with "peace out" is horrible.
- Why would you do that? - I was thinking about what you said.
That I need to let go of my need to be perfect,
so I thought for this one paper, I would tank it.
Well, that's fantastic.
I'm so proud of you. Congratulations.
Thank you. Carter McGary got an A on it,
but rumor has it his dad's sleeping with Miss Hippert.
Well, good luck to him.
You see, dreams like this aren't really about sex.
- They're about power. - I agree.
It doesn't matter who the person is.
It's an authority figure...
your subconscious is drawn to them.
So what you're saying is I not only have anger issues
with authority, I also wanna please.
Exactly.
Okay, so now that I know about it,
I won't have any more of these crazy dreams.
Not so fast.
You still got some daddy issues to work through.
Scoot over.
Sync & corrections by No1 www.addic7ed.Com