1 00:00:04,237 --> 00:00:05,465 Come on in. 2 00:00:13,813 --> 00:00:16,145 This is great. You have really got to meet Debra. 3 00:00:16,216 --> 00:00:18,377 I could have signed a book for her at the store. 4 00:00:18,451 --> 00:00:22,046 But she's a big basketball fan. Come on, this will be fun. 5 00:00:25,492 --> 00:00:27,824 Jeez, maybe I should just leave a signed basketball. 6 00:00:27,894 --> 00:00:30,362 No, this will be great. Watch this. 7 00:00:30,897 --> 00:00:32,057 Debra. 8 00:00:32,732 --> 00:00:34,256 Hi. 9 00:00:34,334 --> 00:00:37,360 Who's your favorite basketball player of all time? 10 00:00:38,004 --> 00:00:39,403 Michael Jordan. 11 00:00:41,875 --> 00:00:45,641 No, retired. Retired basketball player. 12 00:00:46,479 --> 00:00:47,571 Larry Bird. 13 00:00:51,051 --> 00:00:53,076 He played for the Lakers. 14 00:00:53,853 --> 00:00:55,514 Wilt Chamberlain. 15 00:00:58,758 --> 00:01:00,282 This isn't my house. 16 00:01:01,928 --> 00:01:04,328 -That's what it is. -I want my book back. 17 00:01:04,397 --> 00:01:06,126 Kareem. 18 00:01:06,666 --> 00:01:08,327 I'll make you something to eat. 19 00:01:09,602 --> 00:01:13,333 Hi, I'm Ray, and I live here in Long lsland with my wife Debra. 20 00:01:13,540 --> 00:01:16,475 She's great with the kids, the house, everything. 21 00:01:16,943 --> 00:01:18,843 I don't know how she does it. 22 00:01:18,912 --> 00:01:20,504 We've got a daughter Ally... 23 00:01:20,580 --> 00:01:23,140 and twin two-year-old boys. 24 00:01:24,017 --> 00:01:25,917 It's not really about the kids. 25 00:01:26,219 --> 00:01:29,017 My parents live across the street. 26 00:01:29,489 --> 00:01:30,786 That's right. 27 00:01:30,857 --> 00:01:33,382 And my brother lives with them. 28 00:01:33,960 --> 00:01:37,123 Now, not every family would go by on a conveyor belt for you... 29 00:01:37,230 --> 00:01:38,720 but mine would because-- 30 00:01:38,832 --> 00:01:40,766 Everybody loves Raymond. 31 00:01:40,834 --> 00:01:42,358 Yeah. 32 00:01:48,208 --> 00:01:51,234 Did you hear Howie Simon's son sold a funny little anecdote... 33 00:01:51,311 --> 00:01:55,111 -to the Reader's Digest? -Yeah? Okay, good. Good for him. 34 00:01:55,648 --> 00:01:57,240 That's $50. 35 00:02:01,321 --> 00:02:03,755 So why can't you do something like that? 36 00:02:04,457 --> 00:02:08,257 I'm a writer, Dad. The newspaper pays me to write full-time. 37 00:02:08,328 --> 00:02:11,092 Look, I'm not talking about the sports column. That's great. 38 00:02:11,164 --> 00:02:12,995 I'm talking on the side. 39 00:02:15,768 --> 00:02:17,668 Funny anecdotes on the side? 40 00:02:17,770 --> 00:02:20,238 Yeah, that's free money for you. 41 00:02:20,306 --> 00:02:21,398 Okay. 42 00:02:21,474 --> 00:02:24,409 -Here, lamb chops. -Mom, I've got the dinner! 43 00:02:24,777 --> 00:02:27,302 You're cooking.... All right, one more. 44 00:02:28,781 --> 00:02:30,840 Look, thanks for your advice... 45 00:02:30,917 --> 00:02:33,215 but I'm not writing anything for Reader's Digest. 46 00:02:33,286 --> 00:02:35,982 What's with you? You can afford to turn down extra cash? 47 00:02:36,055 --> 00:02:38,046 I'm talking on the side. 48 00:02:38,858 --> 00:02:41,793 -Ma, where's the.... -The mint-chili, hold on. 49 00:02:41,861 --> 00:02:43,726 Here. Right here. 50 00:02:44,130 --> 00:02:46,564 We're talking the Digest here, Ray. 51 00:02:47,267 --> 00:02:49,326 You know the kind of talent it takes... 52 00:02:49,402 --> 00:02:52,701 to take a novel like this and put it on a page and a half? 53 00:02:53,640 --> 00:02:54,937 That's writing! 54 00:02:55,008 --> 00:02:56,737 All right, enough already, Dad. 55 00:02:56,809 --> 00:02:58,333 If you like the magazine so much... 56 00:02:58,411 --> 00:03:00,538 why don't you write something for it yourself? 57 00:03:00,613 --> 00:03:03,275 -What do you mean? -Yeah, he's right. 58 00:03:03,917 --> 00:03:06,442 Why don't you get off your rear end and do it yourself? 59 00:03:06,519 --> 00:03:09,317 -I think it's a very good idea. -You do? 60 00:03:09,656 --> 00:03:12,090 You go write something for the Reader's Digest... 61 00:03:12,158 --> 00:03:14,422 I'm gonna go home and fake hunger. 62 00:03:17,597 --> 00:03:19,189 Give me that chop. 63 00:03:24,037 --> 00:03:25,800 The Reader's Digest. 64 00:03:26,472 --> 00:03:29,032 They do have some funny stuff in there. 65 00:03:48,027 --> 00:03:49,551 Oh, boy, what're we watching? 66 00:03:49,829 --> 00:03:51,990 Wee Sing in Sillyville. 67 00:03:52,065 --> 00:03:53,293 Guess what? 68 00:03:53,366 --> 00:03:56,733 It's on mornings and evenings now. Twice as silly. 69 00:03:58,304 --> 00:04:01,137 There goes John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmitt 70 00:04:03,910 --> 00:04:05,207 Okay. 71 00:04:05,745 --> 00:04:08,509 -We have to cancel cable. -Yeah. 72 00:04:09,015 --> 00:04:10,778 Go and get your jammies on. 73 00:04:16,856 --> 00:04:18,585 Ray, Robert's still here. 74 00:04:18,725 --> 00:04:20,886 Robert, what are you doing here? 75 00:04:20,960 --> 00:04:23,428 I had a suspicion I need to confirm. 76 00:04:23,863 --> 00:04:25,694 Robert, what's wrong? 77 00:04:27,834 --> 00:04:29,859 I don't think Michael likes me anymore. 78 00:04:29,936 --> 00:04:31,927 What are you talking about? 79 00:04:33,006 --> 00:04:36,669 He's not like Geoffrey, he seems stand-offish. 80 00:04:38,211 --> 00:04:40,645 You know Michael is a baby, right? 81 00:04:41,381 --> 00:04:43,975 It's just a feeling. Cop's instinct. 82 00:04:45,018 --> 00:04:47,077 He wants nothing to do with me. 83 00:04:49,255 --> 00:04:50,688 Attention, everybody. 84 00:04:50,757 --> 00:04:53,590 Guess who is now a published writer. 85 00:04:53,660 --> 00:04:55,150 What are you talking about? 86 00:04:55,228 --> 00:04:57,890 Today, the mailman brought me fame and fortune. 87 00:04:58,197 --> 00:05:01,394 The Reader's Digest, over 27 million copies sold... 88 00:05:01,467 --> 00:05:03,025 in 19 languages. 89 00:05:03,102 --> 00:05:05,866 And all around the world, each and every reader... 90 00:05:05,938 --> 00:05:08,099 will now open to Page 64... 91 00:05:08,207 --> 00:05:10,437 the "Humor in Uniform" section. 92 00:05:11,678 --> 00:05:13,976 Well, what are you waiting for? 93 00:05:18,418 --> 00:05:20,215 How did that happen? 94 00:05:21,754 --> 00:05:24,222 Did you know about it? You knew he was doing this? 95 00:05:24,290 --> 00:05:26,724 Please! You think he'd get this done by himself? 96 00:05:26,793 --> 00:05:28,727 The man can't wipe his own chin. 97 00:05:29,262 --> 00:05:30,752 Marie was my little typist. 98 00:05:30,830 --> 00:05:33,025 Don't call me a little typist. 99 00:05:34,534 --> 00:05:37,025 So why don't you read it out loud, Ray? 100 00:05:37,103 --> 00:05:40,129 No, that's not necessary, Dad. We'll read it. 101 00:05:40,206 --> 00:05:43,334 No, come on, you have such a nice speaking voice. 102 00:05:47,080 --> 00:05:49,446 "Throughout our first week of basic training..." 103 00:05:49,515 --> 00:05:51,107 Louder and funnier! 104 00:05:53,519 --> 00:05:55,578 -"...our drill sergeant--" -Stand up! 105 00:05:55,655 --> 00:05:58,055 -Come on! -Up! There you go. 106 00:05:59,292 --> 00:06:01,487 "...our drill sergeant stressed to us... 107 00:06:01,561 --> 00:06:03,859 "the importance of addressing all officers... 108 00:06:03,930 --> 00:06:06,524 "with what he called 'a sir sandwich.' 109 00:06:09,268 --> 00:06:12,601 "'Sir, yes, sir. Sir, I don't know, sir,' and the like. 110 00:06:12,939 --> 00:06:15,874 "A few days later, a colonel approached me in the motor pool... 111 00:06:15,942 --> 00:06:17,637 "to ask what I was working on. 112 00:06:17,710 --> 00:06:19,507 "Using the sir sandwich, I said: 113 00:06:19,579 --> 00:06:22,980 "'Sir, checking the oil, sir, in these jeeps, sir... 114 00:06:23,049 --> 00:06:25,347 "'and, sir, checking the tires, sir.' 115 00:06:26,052 --> 00:06:29,317 "The colonel laughed and said, 'Private, I appreciate your respect... 116 00:06:29,389 --> 00:06:32,654 "'but I don't need a sir club sandwich.' " 117 00:06:39,665 --> 00:06:41,758 Thank you. 118 00:06:43,069 --> 00:06:44,468 True story. 119 00:06:46,706 --> 00:06:49,869 -Ray, what do you think? -It's a classic, Dad. 120 00:06:51,978 --> 00:06:54,276 And that's not all, look at this: 121 00:06:54,380 --> 00:06:57,008 A check for $300. 122 00:06:58,017 --> 00:07:01,851 I'd frame it, but then I couldn't take my little typist out for a fancy dinner. 123 00:07:04,490 --> 00:07:07,755 Every time you call me that, it's gonna cost you $300. 124 00:07:10,496 --> 00:07:12,589 Michael threw his milk at me. 125 00:07:16,469 --> 00:07:17,993 Isn't that great? 126 00:07:18,104 --> 00:07:20,163 That could be my second story. 127 00:07:20,239 --> 00:07:22,537 The Digest loves a naughty baby! 128 00:07:27,046 --> 00:07:30,174 "Teenage boys can be shy and awkward. 129 00:07:30,316 --> 00:07:33,114 "Their voices crack, their skin breaks out... 130 00:07:33,486 --> 00:07:36,148 "and they're afraid of anything in a dress. 131 00:07:36,222 --> 00:07:39,680 "This was especially true for my son Roy." 132 00:07:40,693 --> 00:07:42,558 Dad, you're writing about me! 133 00:07:42,662 --> 00:07:44,152 It says Roy. 134 00:07:45,364 --> 00:07:46,763 Thanks, Dod. 135 00:07:49,035 --> 00:07:53,233 Look, I'm using what we call "artistic license" there. 136 00:07:53,473 --> 00:07:57,307 Sure, I'm writing about my kid, but it's got to come off like anybody's kid. 137 00:07:57,376 --> 00:08:00,539 You see, I have to write as the Everyman. 138 00:08:01,347 --> 00:08:03,315 -You're the Everyman? -Right. 139 00:08:03,749 --> 00:08:05,876 It's got to mean something to Debra and Marie... 140 00:08:05,952 --> 00:08:08,921 the guy in snowbound Sweden looking for a laugh. 141 00:08:08,988 --> 00:08:11,320 Especially him. Yeah, okay. 142 00:08:11,390 --> 00:08:13,756 Look, Dad, I got a column due in about an hour. 143 00:08:13,826 --> 00:08:16,226 All right? So I'm gonna see you. 144 00:08:16,896 --> 00:08:19,797 "Roy, being a typical teenager, was... 145 00:08:19,866 --> 00:08:22,130 "besieged by raging hormones... 146 00:08:24,437 --> 00:08:27,770 "making it difficult for him to keep his mind on his studies." 147 00:08:31,010 --> 00:08:33,342 -God! -He's the Everyman. 148 00:08:34,380 --> 00:08:38,817 Can you imagine if every man was Frank Barone? 149 00:08:39,051 --> 00:08:41,178 Boy, wouldn't Sizzler love that. 150 00:08:42,788 --> 00:08:45,222 Do me a favor, please keep Everyman out of here. 151 00:08:45,291 --> 00:08:46,883 How am I supposed to do that? 152 00:08:46,959 --> 00:08:49,450 How fast can you make a pot roast? 153 00:08:49,529 --> 00:08:51,861 So what's the column about, Ray? 154 00:08:52,598 --> 00:08:54,964 -Got to go. -No! 155 00:08:56,669 --> 00:08:58,193 It's the Giants, Dad. 156 00:08:59,772 --> 00:09:02,434 Go on, don't let me bother you. 157 00:09:06,445 --> 00:09:08,811 This is the toughest part, isn't it? 158 00:09:09,282 --> 00:09:10,579 -What? -That. 159 00:09:10,983 --> 00:09:14,612 The blank page. It just sits there and mocks you. 160 00:09:14,687 --> 00:09:16,018 Dares you. 161 00:09:16,789 --> 00:09:18,120 Annoys you. 162 00:09:18,357 --> 00:09:19,824 Bothers you. 163 00:09:20,960 --> 00:09:23,520 I guess so. Go on, write. 164 00:09:23,763 --> 00:09:25,663 Conquer the blank page. 165 00:09:26,032 --> 00:09:27,693 I'm not even here. 166 00:09:35,308 --> 00:09:37,003 Shouldn't you indent? 167 00:09:38,377 --> 00:09:41,210 Don't you wanna get started on that story about the twins? 168 00:09:41,280 --> 00:09:43,339 No rush, it's fermenting. 169 00:09:44,617 --> 00:09:47,882 Don't let it go bad in there, Dad. Come on. 170 00:09:48,020 --> 00:09:50,113 Go, run with it. 171 00:09:50,189 --> 00:09:53,420 I'm asking you, Dad, as a proud parent. Run. 172 00:09:53,492 --> 00:09:55,960 I guess you're right, I got to go get started. 173 00:09:56,028 --> 00:09:57,518 Yeah, okay. 174 00:10:02,234 --> 00:10:03,701 You know, Ray... 175 00:10:04,537 --> 00:10:07,597 when I retired, I thought, "Well, this is it." 176 00:10:08,240 --> 00:10:12,301 You know, sometimes I just sit there saying: "l got nothing left." 177 00:10:12,812 --> 00:10:15,872 But with this writing thing, it's like I got a new lease on life. 178 00:10:15,948 --> 00:10:17,415 I can't describe it. 179 00:10:17,483 --> 00:10:20,577 It's like for the first time, in a whole lot of years... 180 00:10:20,653 --> 00:10:23,247 I feel good. 181 00:10:25,524 --> 00:10:28,459 That's good, Dad. That's nice. I'm glad. 182 00:10:29,161 --> 00:10:31,061 I got you to thank for it. 183 00:10:31,631 --> 00:10:33,189 You're a writer. 184 00:10:33,633 --> 00:10:36,693 I looked at you, and I see what I had in me. 185 00:10:37,436 --> 00:10:40,701 You know, now we know where your talent comes from. 186 00:10:42,842 --> 00:10:45,640 So, go on, show me your chops. 187 00:10:47,179 --> 00:10:50,410 Did you know Mark Twain had a son who was a writer? 188 00:10:50,483 --> 00:10:51,973 You know what they called him? 189 00:10:52,051 --> 00:10:53,541 -No. -Choo-Choo. 190 00:10:54,186 --> 00:10:55,847 Choo-Choo Twain! 191 00:10:56,589 --> 00:10:58,580 That was in the Digest. 192 00:11:07,867 --> 00:11:09,596 Hi. Hungry? 193 00:11:09,669 --> 00:11:10,727 No. 194 00:11:11,404 --> 00:11:12,769 Shouldn't you be at work? 195 00:11:12,838 --> 00:11:16,035 Yeah, I was, Ma, until Dad stopped by. 196 00:11:17,510 --> 00:11:21,810 I'm having lunch at the paper with the guys, and he just shows up. 197 00:11:21,881 --> 00:11:24,941 He starts telling us about writing. Telling us! 198 00:11:27,219 --> 00:11:30,484 When I left, he was teaching us about alliteration. 199 00:11:30,890 --> 00:11:33,450 So, fearing my father the freak... 200 00:11:33,526 --> 00:11:37,394 I fled before there was a fatality. 201 00:11:38,964 --> 00:11:41,091 Look at these. Look at these hands. 202 00:11:41,167 --> 00:11:44,034 I used to make angel hair pasta with these hands. 203 00:11:44,103 --> 00:11:46,970 And now I'm a grease monkey! 204 00:11:48,808 --> 00:11:52,039 -You have to talk to him, Ma. -He doesn't listen to me. 205 00:11:52,111 --> 00:11:54,170 You think I like doing this? 206 00:11:54,780 --> 00:11:56,247 I have a life, too. 207 00:11:56,315 --> 00:11:59,182 I could be out learning French. 208 00:12:00,152 --> 00:12:03,588 -Ma, you wouldn't do that. -We'll never know, will we? 209 00:12:04,857 --> 00:12:07,690 Now, Raymond, you have to handle this. 210 00:12:07,760 --> 00:12:09,284 This is your problem. 211 00:12:09,361 --> 00:12:11,852 How is it my problem? What did I do? 212 00:12:11,931 --> 00:12:15,025 You're the writer. He wants your approval. 213 00:12:15,267 --> 00:12:18,395 Can't you see that? Just talk to your father. 214 00:12:18,771 --> 00:12:21,968 Talk to Dad? Where do you come up with that stuff, Ma? 215 00:12:23,676 --> 00:12:25,200 There you are! 216 00:12:27,580 --> 00:12:31,107 Your friends are really gung-ho about that computer stuff. 217 00:12:31,250 --> 00:12:34,686 Personally, I don't see what they're so excited about. 218 00:12:34,754 --> 00:12:37,484 Maybe it's all that lnternet porno. 219 00:12:38,424 --> 00:12:40,255 Just talk to your father. 220 00:12:40,693 --> 00:12:43,389 I hope you're happy, I'm an ink-stained wretch! 221 00:12:45,631 --> 00:12:48,395 This whole writing thing, Dad, I'm glad you found it... 222 00:12:48,467 --> 00:12:49,991 'cause it's good to have something. 223 00:12:50,069 --> 00:12:51,832 You mean the Digest? 224 00:12:52,271 --> 00:12:55,866 I'm gonna give you $1,000 if you stop calling it "the Digest." 225 00:12:56,609 --> 00:12:57,769 Fair enough. 226 00:12:57,843 --> 00:12:59,470 Testing, testing. 227 00:12:59,612 --> 00:13:03,378 Listen, I think it's important that we're honest here with each other. 228 00:13:03,449 --> 00:13:04,848 -Really? -Yeah. 229 00:13:05,551 --> 00:13:07,109 You know, I'm glad you said that... 230 00:13:07,186 --> 00:13:10,212 because there is something I was afraid to ask you. 231 00:13:10,589 --> 00:13:11,749 What? 232 00:13:14,493 --> 00:13:17,587 "Frank Barone's 'l Was Just Thinking."' 233 00:13:18,164 --> 00:13:20,689 Yeah, my thoughts on a bunch of subjects: 234 00:13:20,766 --> 00:13:25,100 Infomercials. The new-car smell. Minute Rice. 235 00:13:25,171 --> 00:13:27,162 Stuff like that, it's all there. 236 00:13:27,239 --> 00:13:28,638 Yeah, it is. 237 00:13:29,108 --> 00:13:30,735 Why do I have it? 238 00:13:31,477 --> 00:13:33,274 You said you wanted to be honest. 239 00:13:33,345 --> 00:13:36,781 I honestly think this would make a great column in your paper. 240 00:13:36,982 --> 00:13:38,882 My paper! 241 00:13:39,451 --> 00:13:42,352 Yeah, why don't you pass it on to the editor? 242 00:13:42,421 --> 00:13:44,719 You want me to show this to my editor? 243 00:13:44,790 --> 00:13:48,191 Thank you, Ray. And tell him... 244 00:13:49,028 --> 00:13:51,121 I look forward to his feedback. 245 00:13:55,534 --> 00:13:56,899 Ma! 246 00:13:57,403 --> 00:13:59,303 It doesn't come out. 247 00:14:11,817 --> 00:14:13,011 Hi. 248 00:14:13,085 --> 00:14:16,577 Listen, I'm gonna be hiding for the next few months, okay? 249 00:14:16,655 --> 00:14:20,147 So if my father comes by looking, you don't know where I am. 250 00:14:20,226 --> 00:14:21,250 What? 251 00:14:21,327 --> 00:14:25,457 Listen, you got to run interference for me. I'd do the same with your parents. 252 00:14:25,531 --> 00:14:27,829 My parents live in Connecticut. 253 00:14:27,900 --> 00:14:29,492 I'm willing to go. 254 00:14:29,935 --> 00:14:33,132 As matter of fact, he'd never find me in Connecticut. 255 00:14:33,339 --> 00:14:35,569 Why are we hiding today, Ray? 256 00:14:36,742 --> 00:14:38,141 Look at that. 257 00:14:38,410 --> 00:14:41,243 "Frank Barone's 'l Was Just Thinking."' What is this? 258 00:14:41,313 --> 00:14:42,473 It's his column. 259 00:14:44,783 --> 00:14:48,412 -He wants me to hand it to my editor. -You're kidding. 260 00:14:49,555 --> 00:14:53,389 Look at this: "The chirp of the cricket has been replaced by the car alarm. 261 00:14:53,459 --> 00:14:56,223 "God only knows what will replace the car alarm." 262 00:14:56,295 --> 00:14:59,924 What is that? What could that possibly mean? 263 00:15:00,566 --> 00:15:02,796 Oh, God, he's out of control! 264 00:15:03,035 --> 00:15:06,698 "l like the smell of a freshly painted room as much as the next guy... 265 00:15:06,772 --> 00:15:10,799 "but in the end, wallpaper is easier to clean." 266 00:15:12,177 --> 00:15:14,270 All right, so he's right about that. 267 00:15:14,346 --> 00:15:16,837 But, come on, how can I hand that to my editor? 268 00:15:16,916 --> 00:15:18,645 He's gonna tear it up. 269 00:15:18,918 --> 00:15:22,354 You know, Ray, I think you should let your editor take a look at that. 270 00:15:22,421 --> 00:15:25,015 Why? So everyone at work loses respect for me? 271 00:15:25,090 --> 00:15:29,424 Then I get fired, and you can go back to work, and I stay with the kids. 272 00:15:29,495 --> 00:15:30,621 No. 273 00:15:30,696 --> 00:15:33,096 I will not fall for that, Delilah. 274 00:15:34,767 --> 00:15:39,204 No, you take his name off of it, and then you submit it to your editor. 275 00:15:39,271 --> 00:15:42,763 He gives you some honest feedback which you can pass on to your father... 276 00:15:42,841 --> 00:15:44,570 and all of this will end. 277 00:15:45,444 --> 00:15:48,538 Hey, that's not fair. 278 00:15:48,714 --> 00:15:50,807 My editor is gonna hate this. 279 00:15:51,250 --> 00:15:54,048 I'm doing it. I'm gonna do that. 280 00:15:54,553 --> 00:15:55,918 Good. 281 00:15:56,221 --> 00:16:00,419 Tell me the story again about the parents that live all the way in Connecticut. 282 00:16:01,760 --> 00:16:04,126 -Once upon a time-- -Slower. 283 00:16:04,630 --> 00:16:07,690 -Once upon a time-- -Louder and funnier. 284 00:16:11,637 --> 00:16:14,231 Rob, thanks for coming over. Come on in. 285 00:16:14,306 --> 00:16:15,364 Why? 286 00:16:17,042 --> 00:16:19,738 I just wanted you to try playing with Michael again. 287 00:16:19,812 --> 00:16:22,610 -Just give it one more shot. -No, I don't think so. 288 00:16:23,782 --> 00:16:26,216 Listen, Rob, it makes me feel terrible... 289 00:16:26,285 --> 00:16:30,244 that you think one of your nephews doesn't like you. Come on in. 290 00:16:32,858 --> 00:16:34,723 Robert, come on. 291 00:16:39,098 --> 00:16:41,066 Just sit down. 292 00:16:42,601 --> 00:16:46,093 Yeah, that's not so bad. It's Uncle Robbie. 293 00:16:46,605 --> 00:16:49,165 All right, play with Uncle Robbie. 294 00:16:53,946 --> 00:16:55,379 How're you doing? 295 00:16:57,616 --> 00:16:58,913 Hey, Michael. 296 00:17:00,552 --> 00:17:03,385 Would you like Uncle Robert to read you a story? 297 00:17:05,124 --> 00:17:07,524 He's not that tough after all. 298 00:17:10,429 --> 00:17:13,023 "Baby bunnies have such fun. 299 00:17:13,499 --> 00:17:16,366 "Bunnies on the hop, skip, run." 300 00:17:20,472 --> 00:17:22,269 Look at me and Michael. 301 00:17:23,776 --> 00:17:26,301 You and Michael? No, you mean you and Geoffrey-- 302 00:17:28,781 --> 00:17:30,476 Yes, Michael. 303 00:17:32,151 --> 00:17:34,278 You got it. That's Michael. 304 00:17:34,353 --> 00:17:35,718 See? 305 00:17:37,723 --> 00:17:39,953 Hello? Hey, Bill. 306 00:17:40,492 --> 00:17:42,153 You read the column? 307 00:17:42,227 --> 00:17:45,196 No, I didn't write that. Did not write that. 308 00:17:45,264 --> 00:17:49,325 No, I passed it on to you from a complete stranger guy. 309 00:17:52,371 --> 00:17:53,770 Okay. 310 00:17:57,976 --> 00:18:00,740 Was that call waiting or did a vein pop? 311 00:18:04,616 --> 00:18:05,605 Yeah. 312 00:18:05,751 --> 00:18:08,982 Okay, I'm sorry. Right. So very sorry. 313 00:18:09,054 --> 00:18:10,817 Okay, bye. 314 00:18:11,824 --> 00:18:12,984 Ugly. 315 00:18:15,694 --> 00:18:17,184 That was ugly. 316 00:18:21,767 --> 00:18:24,861 Hi, Ray. How are you, honey? 317 00:18:24,937 --> 00:18:26,461 -You're hungry? -No. 318 00:18:27,206 --> 00:18:30,767 Marie, I got to get my thoughts down on tapioca. 319 00:18:30,909 --> 00:18:32,843 Like it or lump it. 320 00:18:33,412 --> 00:18:35,209 That's enough for today. 321 00:18:35,280 --> 00:18:38,408 I'm gonna go lie down under the car. 322 00:18:40,786 --> 00:18:42,276 Hey, Ray! 323 00:18:43,755 --> 00:18:45,950 -What's up? -Nothing. 324 00:18:46,024 --> 00:18:48,185 I talked to my editor today. 325 00:18:50,696 --> 00:18:51,856 And? 326 00:18:52,564 --> 00:18:56,091 I guess the newspaper is not looking for a columnist right now. 327 00:18:57,569 --> 00:18:59,935 I don't have to be a quote unquote columnist. 328 00:19:00,005 --> 00:19:02,974 My pieces can run every so often in the paper. 329 00:19:03,609 --> 00:19:08,046 They said they already got something similar to your piece in there. 330 00:19:08,380 --> 00:19:09,540 On what? 331 00:19:09,848 --> 00:19:12,578 What in your paper is similar to what I wrote? 332 00:19:12,651 --> 00:19:15,484 In tone. Similar in tone is what he actually said. 333 00:19:16,655 --> 00:19:19,021 This guy sounds like he's dodging something. 334 00:19:19,091 --> 00:19:21,184 Is he some kind of an oddball here? 335 00:19:21,260 --> 00:19:24,229 He's not an oddball. It just wasn't for him, that's all. 336 00:19:24,296 --> 00:19:26,526 What did he say? What were his exact words? 337 00:19:26,598 --> 00:19:27,895 I don't know. 338 00:19:27,966 --> 00:19:30,491 What do you mean? You can't remember what he said? 339 00:19:30,569 --> 00:19:31,968 You don't want to hear it. 340 00:19:32,037 --> 00:19:35,336 Don't tell me what I wanna hear or what I don't wanna hear! 341 00:19:35,407 --> 00:19:38,706 -Tell me what he said! -He said it was embarrassing! 342 00:19:41,413 --> 00:19:42,471 What? 343 00:19:44,550 --> 00:19:46,643 He said it was embarrassing. 344 00:19:50,522 --> 00:19:52,251 What else did he say? 345 00:19:55,360 --> 00:19:58,022 He said it was amateurish. 346 00:19:59,598 --> 00:20:00,792 Really? 347 00:20:01,667 --> 00:20:03,225 I'm sorry, Dad. 348 00:20:03,402 --> 00:20:05,962 No, it's okay. 349 00:20:06,038 --> 00:20:08,268 You know what, you can't trust what this guy says. 350 00:20:08,340 --> 00:20:11,309 What does he know? He's an oddball, that guy. 351 00:20:11,977 --> 00:20:15,242 So what if you're not in the paper, you're in the Digest. 352 00:20:15,314 --> 00:20:16,713 Amateurish! 353 00:20:17,316 --> 00:20:20,979 Twenty-seven million people in 19 languages. 354 00:20:21,053 --> 00:20:24,614 People are reading this in Germany and Japan as we speak, Dad. 355 00:20:24,723 --> 00:20:27,191 Nobody reads newspapers. 356 00:20:29,294 --> 00:20:32,752 You know, I was feeling so good. Now I don't know. 357 00:20:32,931 --> 00:20:36,560 Dad, the Digest. Send it in to the Digest. 358 00:20:37,069 --> 00:20:40,266 I did! They didn't like it either. 359 00:20:40,806 --> 00:20:43,240 That's why I tried your stupid paper! 360 00:20:46,111 --> 00:20:48,272 Come on, you just can't give up, Dad. 361 00:20:48,347 --> 00:20:51,316 You still got all those Roy stories in there. 362 00:20:51,383 --> 00:20:52,816 Come on! 363 00:20:52,884 --> 00:20:55,751 What about Everyman? What happened to the Everyman? 364 00:20:55,821 --> 00:20:58,756 You got all those opinions, they're just fermenting in there. 365 00:20:58,824 --> 00:21:02,225 You got to let them out, Dad, or you're gonna explode. 366 00:21:03,262 --> 00:21:06,060 -You're right. I've got opinions. -That's right. 367 00:21:06,131 --> 00:21:07,758 Who can I share them with? 368 00:21:07,833 --> 00:21:10,427 -Come on, there's always-- -My family! 369 00:21:10,869 --> 00:21:12,734 I was thinking guys at the lodge... 370 00:21:12,804 --> 00:21:16,171 and people at bus stops and clerks. 371 00:21:16,275 --> 00:21:18,300 Wait. Here's one. 372 00:21:19,244 --> 00:21:21,712 "Poetry! Get to the point!" 373 00:21:24,716 --> 00:21:26,684 Who could argue with that? 374 00:21:26,985 --> 00:21:29,351 "How about those poems that don't even rhyme? 375 00:21:29,421 --> 00:21:31,946 "That is this man's definition of lazy." 376 00:21:34,660 --> 00:21:36,525 My job is done here. 377 00:21:36,595 --> 00:21:38,426 "Make up your mind, America... 378 00:21:38,497 --> 00:21:40,988 "is it often or of-ten?" 379 00:21:43,168 --> 00:21:47,161 You're the king of those. All right, I'm gonna go run and tell everybody. 380 00:21:50,676 --> 00:21:53,076 What did you think of my column? 381 00:21:56,315 --> 00:21:58,306 I thought it was great, Dad. 382 00:21:59,584 --> 00:22:00,744 Thanks. 383 00:22:06,925 --> 00:22:09,894 "Amish people, friend or foe?" 384 00:22:25,644 --> 00:22:26,770 Roy! 385 00:22:35,454 --> 00:22:36,443 Roy!