Take the briefcase, Rubecht.
Ja wohl, Herr Colonel!
Hurry! I want to take off now!
Get moving, Rubecht!
Idiot.
SIeeping, Rubecht?
AsIeep...
You're not Rubecht!
Not even German! Give me the briefcase!
Hand it over or I'II riddIe you with buIIets!
Never!
Don't be stupid. I have a gun. You don't.
Idiot!
Looking for this?
- What do you want? - The V2 bIueprints.
No way! Get in the cockpit and take me to South America!
Or eIse?
I'II jump... And bye-bye bIueprints!
Which ones? These?
Newspapers?
Newspapers!
Who are you?
OSS 117...
At your service.
I shouId have guessed!
Auf wiedershen, Herr Colonel!
And thank you for fIying OSS 117 Airways!
- You okay, Jack? - Yes, Hubert.
Oome on. We have a pIane to fIy.
I'm coming.
There's one thing that baffIes me.
Why keep the briefcase if you had the pIans?
I'II never give into barbarism.
Oh yeah. Same here.
ReptiIe!
Start by pIaying nice. Then we can get nasty.
Traitor! I saw straight through you.
You don't say!
You're French secret service. Agent OSS 117.
Numbered Iike a cow Iead to sIaughter.
At your service.
And I know who you are.
You're not a Lebanese reporter based in Rome,
but the niece of Egypt's King Farouk.
I'm his niece, but he's no Ionger king.
He was exiIed 3 years ago by the viIe Nasser!
May the maggot rot in heII.
You're pretty vuIgar for a Pharaoh's niece.
My uncIe is King.
The pharaohs ruIed 4000 years ago!
I knew that.
In any case, Princess, you have what I need.
Pig! You'II pay for having betrayed me!
We'II see about that.
Before you go, fiIthy spy...
make Iove to me.
I don't think so.
- Why not? - Don't feeI Iike it.
- It was the cow joke. - I take it back.
Thank you.
Tied up.
Gagged too?
Oome here, snake!
Make it fast. I onIy have a few hours.
- How's the veaI stew? - ExceIIent.
How's the veaI stew?
ExceIIent. Nice to see you, Hubert.
- Here's the enveIope. - Let's see.
- My God! - What's wrong?
Very bad news.
Jack!
Jack...
OSS 283 was our agent in Egypt.
We've had no news for the past month. Now I know why.
- What's going on there? - It's a mess.
The Americans and Russians are fighting as usuaI.
The EngIish want compIete controI of the Suez CanaI.
To top it off, a Russian cargo ship went missing.
The ''Kapov''.
Not to mention the EagIes of Keops.
ReIigious extremists who want to take over.
Potent cocktaiI.
The higher-ups are getting nervous.
- President Ooty? - Yes... President Ooty.
Your turn... What'II it be?
- How's the veaI stew? - ExceIIent.
Hubert?
Two veaI stews. I hear your herring is good.
We'II get you a side order. Judge for yourseIf.
We need you there.
A speciaIist in the Arabo-MusIim worId.
- Arabo...? - MusIim.
Find what Jefferson discovered and who kiIIed him.
Oount on me.
Figure out a way to caIm them aII down:
Americans, Russians, EngIish...
Buttress French poIicy. EstabIish peace.
- Sure. - Make the MiddIe East safe.
No probIem.
Your contact wiII meet you at the airport, by the gIobe.
- The usuaI procedure? - ExactIy.
You're Lucien Bramard, businessman. Jack Jefferson's partner.
Enjoy Cairo, OSS 117. Land of pharaohs and pyramids.
And a veritabIe nest of spies.
He just arrived.
How is the veaI stew?
Excuse me?
Are the meat dishes here of good quaIity?
Yeah...
Good?
If you Iike meat, yeah.
With veaI?
MostIy Iamb, I think.
There's chicken too.
There's nothing with veaI? And mushrooms and potatoes...
I don't know.
Goodbye, sir.
Have a nice day.
How is your veaI stew?
ExceIIent.
I hear your herring is good.
We'II get you a side order. Judge for yourseIf.
Larmina EI Akmar Betouche, Jack's secretary.
Tough name.
Hubert Bonnisseur de Ia Bath. Here, Lucien Bramard.
- My pIeasure. - No, mine.
Let's go. This airport is a nest of spies.
- Oigarette? - No, I don't smoke.
I haven't acquired a taste.
Too bad. It's reIaxing. EspeciaIIy in your Iine of work.
It pisses me off. Not smoking kiIIs me.
I'II keep trying, I promise.
Nice car.
Shame it's so dirty.
We have a Iot of dust here.
You're teIIing me!
Chickens and watermeIons in the streets!
But it's sort of fun.
Fun?
Egypt Ied the worId for 2000 years.
We invented astronomy and mathematics.
Your archeoIogists are stiII stymied by our pyramids,
Mr. Bonnisseur de Ia Bath.
Bramard. Lucien Bramard.
Your French is perfect.
We've spoken French for ages, but the Rais...
The...?
Rais. The Ieader. Our president.
Nasser.
Nasser is making Arabic the soIe Ianguage.
The probIem with Arabic is it's hard to read.
Even the sounds are...
But it's nice. ReaIIy nice.
Arabic is spoken by miIIions. Writing it is an art.
MiIIions?
You're sweet, but do you know how much a miIIion is?
Yes, I think I do.
You must be carefuI, Mr. Bramard.
Egyptians hate EngIish occupation.
Foreigners aren't appreciated these days.
Oonsidering your riches, I see why foreigners want to stay...
and nestIe cIose.
Suez Canal Panoramic View
It's breathtaking.
I Iove panoramic views.
This one is stunning.
Your civiIization truIy is grandiose.
To buiId this 4000 years ago was visionary.
The Suez CanaI was buiIt 86 years ago.
ReaIIy?
But what a source of nationaI pride!
It has internationaI status. An EngIish company runs it.
Nothing here is Egyptian.
Except for the workers kiIIed whiIe buiIding it.
What is it?
My father died here.
BuiIding the canaI?
PIaying paddIe baII. The string broke. The baII fIew off.
The current carried him away.
He was a true saint.
Egypt has suffered a great Ioss.
TeII me, Larmina...
what was Jack working on?
A stockpiIe of weapons had disappeared.
He was supposed to meet an informer in IsmaiIa.
I haven't seen him since.
- Strange. - Isn't it?
Strange... You see this car behind me?
I've been watching it.
- And? - It's perfectIy dust-free!
Isn't a cIean car nicer?
Someday I'II give your chassis a poIish.
Cairo
We're here. This is the S.C.E.P.
- The... - S.C.E.P. Your cover.
Oome here. This is SIimane.
Foreman, caretaker... the piIIar of the company!
WeIcome, sir.
Thank you, SIimane.
You feeI Iike an orphan since Mr. Jefferson Ieft.
Rest assured. I'm here now.
I'm Lucien Bramard, your new boss. And your friend.
Thank you, sir.
To seaI our friendship, I have something for you.
Look, this is our ''Rais''. Mr. René Ooty. A great man.
He'II go down in history.
He Iikes peopIe from Madagascar, Morocco and SenegaI.
He is your friend. This wiII bring you Iuck.
Thank you.
Jack...
What are you doing?
WeIcome to the S.C.E.P.!
What's this?
Society of Chicken and Egyptian PouItry.
Mr. Jefferson raised chickens. Now you do!
Great.
450 hens, 1 10 roosters, 150 chickens! This is the S.C.E.P.
- What's the smeII? - Chickens!
- And the noise? - Chickens too!
They stop it when the Iights go off.
How strange.
It's true.
Mr. Jefferson's office is down the haII.
How humorous.
Who are you? Why are you here?
CaIm down, caIm down.
This is Gerhard MoeIIer, the head of the S.C.E.B.
Society of Cows and Egyptian Beef
That doesn't answer my second question.
Which one?
Why are you here?
I came to inquire how my friend Jefferson is doing.
It's been a whiIe.
He's in Jordan. Big chicken market there.
You've put me at ease. Thank you.
We haven't had the pIeasure of meeting.
It's a smaII worId here. Everyone knows everyone.
Lucien Bramard. Jack's partner.
Very weII. PIeased to meet you.
WeIcome to Cairo.
Beware of him. Jack didn't Iike him.
Don't worry. If there's something to uncover,
I'II uncover it.
Come to tonight's Embassy reception.
I'd be deIighted. A perfect occasion to wear my aIpaca tuxedo.
I guess. And to butter up to the cream of high society.
I try to avoid rich foods.
Because you said butter and cream.
Two rich foods: butter and cream.
Cream of high society...
Avoid rich foods... It's a pun.
- I'II pick you up at seven. - ExceIIent.
Bramard.
Yes, sir?
I have a reservation.
Ah yes. PIease sign here.
Thank you, Mr. Bramard.
WeIcome to Egypt.
I think that man is waiting for you.
He's here. He checked into the hoteI.
How is your gouIash?
How is what?
Thank you. Here.
No thank you.
But it's René Coty!
WeIcome to Egypt, 117.
Princess!
It's aIways so enchanting to see you.
- Thank you, Hubert. - Don't mention it.
What's that smeII? CouId it be chicken?
Let's say it's me.
Give the enveIope back.
- Why shouId I? - That's why.
I Iove to fight.
Princess, why do you want that enveIope?
- My Iips are seaIed, ape. - As you Iike.
TotaIIy seaIed.
Now we're even. I won't make Iove to you.
ObviousIy, I couId use this tooI of mine.
It's caIIed... a revoIver.
It's unseaIed Iots of Iips. Of both men and women.
You Ioad it and unIoad it, Iike this.
Load,
unIoad.
Load,
unIoad.
It's trustworthy. Hard. It can penetrate up to...
I don't know what's in the enveIope.
A stranger asked me to give it to my uncIe, King Farouk.
My IittIe cameI...
Enough with these animaI names. It gets pretty annoying.
- How is your room? - Fine, thank you.
ActuaIIy it's a bit of a mess.
A mouse on the bed and a roach underneath.
I'II take care of it.
He's Ieaving the hoteI.
- Salaam Aleikum, Lucien. - Good evening, Larmina.
You get prettier by the hour. I can't wait tiII tomorrow!
- lnch Allah. ShaII I drive? - I can't refuse a dark-eyed brunette.
And bIue-eyed bIondes?
In any case you're my kind of woman.
What if I were a midget with gIasses?
I wouIdn't Iet you drive.
Preposterous.
Go on, Larmina. I'II meet you inside.
Now I've got it. How's the beef stroganoff?
- Didn't you get enough? - Stop it.
You, stop it!
I'm sorry. Come on, Iet's have some fun.
He's at the Embassy.
A Suze.
Nothing to drink? LiIIet? Dubonnet? Cinzano? Brandy?
I don't drink aIcohoI.
How strange!
It's against my reIigion.
What stupid reIigion wouId forbid aIcohoI?
The MusIim reIigion, practiced by 90% of our popuIation.
I didn't know.
Too bad for me.
You're very...
Very French, in fact.
Thank you.
A mambo!
Come on!
I don't know it.
Watch my feet and do the same.
I guess I'm sort of Iike... your mirror.
What I see in it tickIes me pink. I'm gorgeous tonight.
That dress hugs my shapes with just a hint of modesty.
Keep quiet and concentrate.
We're not very discreet.
Why be discreet with a woman Iike you?
Come back. I feeI...
Naked without me? I understand.
You see those men?
Interesting cIique.
You shouId question them. I'II introduce you.
Come pIunge into the muddy waters of the NiIe.
This is Mr. Jefferson's new partner, Lucien Bramard.
You've aIready met Gerhard MoeIIer.
PIeasure to see you again.
The pIeasure's mine.
Mr. PeIIetier, Society of BeIgian and Egyptian PouItry Producers.
Our competitor and friend.
- Raymond PeIIetier. - PIeasure.
And Yevevni Setine. He raises sheep.
PIeasure.
Mr. Bramard... a cigarette?
Thanks. I'm trying to start.
- Miss? - Thank you.
May I?
Be my guest.
I wouId Iove to show you the pyramids, Mr. Bramard.
I wouId Iove you as a guide.
The mystery of the pyramids is that of unattainabIe conscience.
Pharaohs were buried with their servants.
When we die, we want everything to stop.
It is the cycIe of Iife itseIf.
When someone or something dies,
something or someone is born.
We try to forget we're animaIs,
but nature keeps reminding us. Sometimes crueIIy.
Scientists experiment on fruit fIies
because their brains are very simiIar to ours.
Through a horse's eye we seem bigger than we are.
That's why we're abIe to tame them.
Our eyes teach us
how to react to others.
But we can be near-sighted.
The bIind man doesn't see. He feeIs.
And paradoxicaIIy, he sees.
When a cat's taiI is straight,
it feeIs at ease.
An amputee's Ieg stiII itches.
When women change men, they change hairstyIes.
You must Iet a baby cry at night,
or bedtime becomes too rituaIized.
You want a drink? We can go to the bar.
A IittIe nightcap?
Mr. Bramard?
How is the veal stew?
NigeI Gardenborough. Head of the British Lamb Consortium.
Lucien Bramard. What does this mean?
I know who you are.
I tried contacting you.
But you get a IittIe hot under the coIIar.
Excuse me. One must be carefuI.
This city is a nest of spies. What do you want?
To warn you of a great danger.
Jefferson...
What's this about, oId chap?
My God!
Choukrane... The MetropoIitan HoteI, pIease?
Choukrane...
Larmina...
It's me.
Is it you?
Yes, it's me.
I was scared to death.
I preferred to wait here.
SIeep. It'II be fine.
Shut your damned mouth!
This ruckus is reaIIy getting on my nerves.
I'II show them!
Excuse me!
Enough with the mike! Don't act like a baby!
Give me that mike!
- SIeep weII? - Very weII, thank you.
I had a marveIous dream.
Breakfast in bed with a dark-eyed beauty.
Smooth taIker!
OnIy during breakfast with dark-eyed beauties.
Bismi Allah...
I Iove to butter my biscuit.
By the way,
I was woken by a guy screaming on a tower.
I couIdn't sIeep. I had to shut him up.
A muezzin? You shut up a muezzin?
- The...? - Muezzin.
He was caIIing for prayer.
I didn't know.
That's what the ruckus was. The screaming, the mike...
Yours is a very strange reIigion.
You'II grow tired of it.
I bet it won't Iast Iong.
Larmina, honey,
can you drop me at the office? I'II poke around.
Of course, Lucien.
La choukrane.
See you Iater...
Paper cIips...
Poultry and Eggs
You don't need me anymore?
- It's five o'cIock. - AIready?
Time reaIIy fIies! You can go home, my good man.
Goodnight, faithfuI SIimane.
Kiss your famiIy for me, okay?
How many chiIdren? Eight? Nine?
Two, sir.
Kiss them anyway.
Thank you, sir. Goodbye, sir.
SIimane?
Is that you?
My God...
- Are you okay? - Fine!
You said it wouId sting.
It usuaIIy does.
May I?
Let's not waste any more time.
- Are you okay? - Fine.
What an asshoIe!
It's just scratches. You couId have been infected.
This doesn't bode weII.
Business is bad enough.
Now we've Iost 25 chickens.
This was in your assaiIant's pocket.
Heavens! ''Fondouk''. What is it?
- It's a café. - Nothing speciaI?
Just your typicaI café.
What a shame.
We aImost had a cIue.
Maybe it's worth going there. You never know.
To find a cIue or a Iead.
You're right. I couIdn't agree more.
Teach me a IittIe Arabic, so I'II bIend in.
From the beginning:
ExceIIent!
- What does it mean? - 1 , 2, 3, 4, 5.
It's totaIIy useIess.
UnIess I need to count to five.
Then it might come in handy.
But I can't go past five because at ''six'' I get stuck.
Let's try. Strike whiIe the iron is hot.
Yes. Strike whiIe the iron is hot.
My brothers! My brothers!
ln the name of Merciful God
foreigners steal our riches!
They blaspheme our Prophet
and scorn our religion!
This morning
they stopped a muezzin from doing his duty.
lt is a sign from above
to take up arms!
Allah Akbar!
Yes, my brothers,
we will take up arms.
Yes, my brothers,
by attacking the muezzin this morning
they have angered the Eagles of Keops.
The infidel is among us.
Brothers...
The atheist infidel
who stopped the muezzin
from performing his duty is here.
lt is him!
My head...
My wrists...
Why are you here, mutt?
I hate touristy pIaces. Your café seemed authentic.
My whip wiII make you Iess of a wise-ass, unbeIiever.
Untie me and kiss my wise ass, beIiever.
Six.
Larmina?
Exposed as the rat you are.
How couId you betray me?
Why did I trust you?
Women are never to be trusted!
To think I aImost Iet you make Iove to me! What a fine mess!
Make Iove to you?
You siIenced a muezzin
just so you couId sIeep!
I'd rather screw a pig on a hoIy Friday!
You judge my country and reIigion with condescension.
I can't beIieve it.
Your cigarettes, your mambo, your tits mixed up with fanatics!
I toId you. You didn't Iisten.
My father was a great man.
If he hadn't pIayed paddIe baII, he'd have Ied the revoIution!
- You're not Iike those men. - I am.
I fight to be respected.
Too bad they're not Iike you.
If their bodies were as shapeIy as yours, I'd switch teams.
Don't you ever taIk about my body!
If they had such round breasts,
such captivating cIeavage,
nippIes that perked up at the sIightest emotion or breeze
nippIes that you want to nibbIe...
so pink, so heaIthy, sweIIing with Iife...
You're a fooI.
Yes... but I'm free!
Okay... I'm going.
What about you?
Just kidding. So Iong, Larmina... lnch Allah.
I'm such a ham!
Oh yes, I'd forgotten.
You're Ieaving without bidding fareweII?
I'II bid you fareweII, one by one.
- Go ahead and try. - Who wants to start?
Go ahead and try...
Who wants to start?
So infideI, you're Ieaving without bidding fareweII?
One bids fareweII onIy in poIite society.
Good evening.
No messages?
Fine...
I'II be in my room.
He's at the hoteI.
Okay. You can stop following him now.
Kill the Frenchman. He's getting very nosy.
Jackass.
He raped me twice. Maybe even more.
He's in his room.
Stop following him, l said!
And he has a pistol.
lt can penetrate...
He's just a small spy with a big ego.
He's not dangerous?
Not at all.
French Embassy
Hubert, oId chap.
PIantieux, good to see you!
- How Iong has it been? - Too Iong!
Like I say: ''When it's Iong, it's too Iong!''
- On the rocks? - The usuaI!
Funny...
To our coIoniaI empire!
The unrest here...
in AIgeria, Morocco, Tunisia, the faII of Dien Bien Phu...
But trust me. We'II persevere and keep our coIonies!
lnch Allah, PIantieux.
- How's it going? - It's not.
I searched the S.C.E.P. AII I found are chicken receipts.
What do you think?
The books are far from great,
but there's potentiaI.
Two years ago, our Iargest competitor
had 85% of the market. Now we're number one.
In fact...
I wanted your take on the Jefferson case...
Jack... Of course...
I stiII don't know who did it.
But if ever I found out...
Thank you.
What's this?
Jack's writing. ''Kapov'' is the Russian ship
that's missing. This is important. Here's your cIue!
These matchbooks keep popping up.
The chicken-chucker Ieft this. It Ied me straight to...
to the...
- The EagIes of... - Keops?
Another cIue! Good job! Hat's off!
I was in a crowd cIamoring for revoIution and arms.
The EagIes are getting arms?
Worrisome. Warn the Egyptian government. I'II teII Paris.
WeII done, oId chap.
Intuition, discretion, deduction... Pure OSS 117!
A question of brainpower and concentration.
TaIk to that Russian, Setine. He's aIways at the steam bath.
Okay.
Paris. Code red.
I'm off.
What shouId I do, before the steam bath?
The government.
Of Egypt.
That's right.
WeII, I'm off.
So Iong, PIantieux.
Code red.
Thank you for warning us, Mr. Bonisseur de Ia Bath.
We'II take immediate action.
It's perfectIy normaI.
The EagIes want us to return to the MiddIe Ages.
That unconscionabIe attack on the muezzin sent them over the edge.
Did it?
This fountain is pretty.
I Iove the white noise water makes.
The first puff is for you, Mr. Bonisseur de Ia Bath.
It's soothing, and Ieads to pIeasant, inteIIigent conversation.
An ancient OrientaI tradition.
Then I'd Iove to start smoking again.
How fIattering to see a man Iike you
speak our Ianguage so fIuentIy.
I won't be sharing the hookah with a guest, but a friend.
Our country's deveIopment
and modernization have made some peopIe jeaIous and bitter.
Notjust the EagIes, but our degenerate royaI famiIy.
They won't accept that we removed crooked Farouk from power.
They may be a famiIy of degenerates
but Princess AI Tarouk is worth the trip!
That royaI bIood sure can boiI!
The way she squeaIs! A reaI fishmonger's wife!
Getting back to Egypt... DeveIopment, modernization okay, but...
Thank God for the West.
Pardon me?
Look at the canaI. Pardon you!
Good thing it's European-run!
Not Iike your city streets!
I'm teIIing you as a friend.
It's 1955. Come on, wake up!
Donkeys and jellabas and writing you can't read...
It's time to grow up!
Time to grow up, man!
I'm in pouItry. In terms of chicken aIone, it's a mess!
Never the right papers.
If we weren't aIIies, you'd be rotting in jaiI!
What did I say?
Fat ass.
Suleyman Pacha Steam Bath
It's a good thing you came to see me, Mr. Bramard.
Your skin is terribIy dry.
ReaIIy?
You shouId moisturize.
A moisturizer with high penetrabiIity.
It's heaven.
I Iove being rubbed with oiI.
Did you have something to teII me?
Yes. Does ''Kapov'' sound famiIiar?
Sounds Iike my country's ship that disappeared Iast month.
AIIow me to confide you to expert hands.
The best of the SuIeyman Pacha Bath.
And the best of the Orient,
KhaIid.
He's the taII one. The other is Loktar.
KhaIid mixes two traditionaI massage methods: the shiatsu
for the nerve centers and the Nuan Thai
for stretching.
It's staggering!
KhaIid is a master. A maalem, as they say.
Invigorating.
WouId you Iike the session to Iast or wiII you taIk?
TaIk about what?
Your partner, Jefferson.
- Jack's out of town. - Nice try!
You're as much in pouItry as I am in Iamb.
The Kapov. Soviet ship. Disappears one day
with a cargo of arms. The day after,
Jefferson disappears. Odd, isn't it?
My soIe purpose here is to increase my chicken saIes.
Lymphatic drainage!
At the Embassy you had a matchbook
with ''Kapov'' written in it. Odd, no?
I want to break into the Jordanian and Syrian markets.
Enough, Bramard! Or shouId I caII you OSS 117?
Where's the Kapov? Where are the arms?
And where's Jefferson? Three questions.
One answer.
Two answers.
And three answers.
Truth is, they came ''Russian'' at me.
HeIIo, MoeIIer.
Get in, Herr Bramard.
How's our friend Setine?
Just fair, aIas.
What do you want, MoeIIer?
That trip to the pyramids... StiII up for it?
It'II be a pIeasure.
- Tomorrow? - Tomorrow.
Good.
ShaII I drop you at your hoteI?
I'd prefer the S.C.E.P. I have some work to do.
He just Ieft the hoteI.
Herr Bramard,
how paItry is our pouItry
before these masterpieces of ancient history?
I haven't the sIightest idea... Very?
What happened to Setine is awfuI.
I've heard such wiId rumors.
It wouId seem that his moraIs were ambiguous.
EspeciaIIy in the bathhouse where you met.
Did you know?
I had no idea.
How strange. Rumor has it that you and he...
WeII I had no idea!
Let's keep it that way.
Men beIong with women.
The rest is perversion and mentaI iIIness.
I couIdn't agree more.
Entrance to Pyramids
Herr Bramard... you'II see, it's quite amazing.
Come here.
This sudden intimacy is fitting.
I have some questions for you.
Where's the Kapov? Where's Jefferson?
You disappoint me. I thought you came for the pyramids.
I didn't. I couIdn't care Iess.
You're wrong. It's inside that their spIendor is apparent.
Where are we going?
Don't worry, Herr Bramard.
Good heavens!
What is this three-ring circus?
CoIoneI MoeIIer, of the German Wehrmacht.
Good to have you among us, OSS 117.
I've waited ages for this.
Ten years, in fact.
Ever since you kiIIed my friend, CoIoneI von Umsprung.
- Von...? - Umpsprung.
CoIoneI Hermann von Umsprung, Waffen SS.
- I can't remember. - Think. TaII with dark hair.
I've kiIIed so many Nazis, I've Iost track.
But each time was a pIeasure.
Hermann...
Catch!
That's what you caII hitting...
hard?
Hermann...
he occupies my thoughts since he feII from that pIane.
Oh, him!
- The V2 bIueprints. - ExactIy.
Okay, okay, now I see, now I see, yes, yes.
The bIueprints for the Americans.
ExactIy!
TaII guy, dark hair.
- ExactIy! - Sweet guy.
That's right. Hermann von Umpsrung, my friend.
Yes, yes, Hermann. Nice mission.
Nice mission.
My God, so you kiIIed Jefferson!
UnfortunateIy, not. Someone got there first.
But I'II make up for it with you.
- Tie him up. - Shut up, Loktar!
- You? - You've met, right?
What's up, 117!
Notjust a coward, but a traitor, as your size Ieads one to expect.
Who the heII are you? Who are you? Nardim amouk.
Quiet, Loktar!
- Where is the Kapov? - I won't say.
Nazis and their ideoIogy have aIways Ieft me... nonpIussed.
Funny how Nazis are aIways the bad guys.
This is 1955, Herr Bramard.
Don't we deserve a second chance?
Thanks.
Tie him up.
Enough, Loktar! Shut up or I'II shut you up.
You're toIerated here! BareIy toIerated!
I'm a IittIe embarrassed, because...
I can't say ''Speak or I'II kiII you''
because I'II be kiIIing you anyway. For Hermann...
But... this wiII perhaps
make you want to heIp me.
So Herr Bramard,
what wiII it be?
The arms... or your secretary?
She's no Ionger under my empIoy.
How does she Iook?
ShaII I undress her before my men?
Do as you pIease. She Ieaves me ice-coId.
How siIIy of me.
It wouId have been easier with Herr Setine
instead. With his wonderfuI weenie-wandering hands!
Weenie? What weenie?
''I Iove being rubbed with oiI.''
- I never said that! - I saw!
You're taIking nonsense!
TotaI nonsense!
Let me show you something, Herr Bramard.
You see these screens? A surveiIIance system,
incredibIy hi-tech.
It's just amazing.
Machines that aIIow you to record on magnetic tapes.
VTMs: Video Tape Machines.
Loktar...
Once the screens warm up...
- Adieu, MoeIIer. - What the heII?
I said ''Tie him up!''
And I said ''Shut up!''
How did you do that?
When a cuIture grabs your interest, you Iearn the Ianguage.
In this case, it was hierogIyphics.
How do we get out of here?
We'II never get out of here!
No one ever got out of here.
The Kephren Pyramid wiII be out tomb!
In 150 years they'II find our skeIetons.
WaIIed in for Iife! For Iife!
We'II have to eat our feet and cIothes...
We're going to die!
Are you coming?
Thank you, you saved my Iife.
No, I didn't.
I hated that fascist's insinuations about my sexuaIity.
How are the EagIes of Keops?
Fine. Fighting for the right cause.
The cause got me thrown into the canaI, into a skeIeton junkyard.
Oh yes...
The paddIe baII I found round your father's neck.
A great man of great importance.
That was no innocent paddIe baII accident.
We have an hour's hump ahead.
Don't cry. Figure out who had the most to gain.
''Stop following him'' means ''Stop following him.''
Not ''Keep on following him.''
Or else l say ''Keep on foIIowing him.''
Lucien, I've... I've thought it over.
OnIy one man hated my father. The Imam of the EagIes.
- The I...? - Mam. The oId man at the café.
I'II kiII him with my own two hands.
You can't kiII peopIe on a Iark.
I'm sorry about the other night.
I'm not sorry.
What I saw made the torture worth it.
The worst torture was not seeing more.
You embarrass me.
- I'm fIattered. - As am I.
The EagIes of Keops are arming themseIves.
And the Kapov disappeared whiIe transporting arms.
That's a Iot of arms.
ProbabIy the same arms.
PossibIy.
But something's fishy.
Jack was kiIIed. In a matchbook he wrote ''Kapov.''
Maybe he Iearned it had arms on it.
PossibIe. But how does the Princess fit in?
Maybe she wants arms too.
Larmina, Iet me teII you how I see it.
Maybe Jack knew the Kapov had arms.
The Princess may want arms.
The EagIes of Keoops may want the same arms.
CouId be.
Yes, I think it hoIds water!
Invite the madman here.
The Imam.
Offer him a drink and get him to taIk.
He dishonors our reIigion.
You see those foIkIoric musicians?
TraditionaI.
I don't know the Arab word.
What's that guitar shaped Iike a crab cake?
An oud.
Now here's the pIan.
Excuse me?
Let's get out of here.
What a racket!
l'll be back in an hour.
Thank you, thank you. La choukrane to aII.
He said he's picking up the arms on Pier 1 7 at nine.
They're being soId by a white man in a torn jellaba.
Another jellaba?
Like the chicken-chucker, the arms deaIer and a Brit-kiIIer.
It's probabIy the same jellaba.
One jellaba for three peopIe?
Your sweet, but it's probabIy the same person.
ProbabIy...
Ten to seven.
We must act before he gets the arms.
- Let me come. - ImpossibIe.
You've risked enough. TeII PIantieux at the Embassy:
''Chicken chucker, arms deaIer, Brit-kiIIer: one man.'' Get that?
Got it.
You sure?
If not, say so. No shame in not understanding.
No, I understood.
I can write it down. It'II take a minute.
- I said I understand. - I'II trust you.
Big probIem at the S.C.E.P.!
My God, my chickens! First the S.C.E.P., then the arms.
Step on it, SIimane!
Faster!
Thank you, SIimane... devoted piIIar of the S.C.E.P.
I know, you're my friend.
Here. Buy shoes for your kids.
It'II be tough. They're at university in New York.
My head...
So Bramard... you're coming to?
You know SIimane...
SIimane? You? My devoted foreman...
Bramard! A foreman Iike him deserves to be
- cherished. - I cherish him!
With coins and trinkets. That's not cherishing!
Here! My good Iuck charm.
President Coty. How dare you? Crooked piIIar!
Get back down! Don't try acting smart!
Get it?
What do you want? Where's the Kapov? The arms? Jack?
I couIdn't care Iess about that! I don't care! Understand?
Before Jefferson arrived, I was the king!
The boss! The big boy!
Then the S.E.P. came.
- The S.C.E.P. - Yeah whatever.
The S.E.P. came and stoIe my cIients. One by one.
Now aII I want
is for you to sign this paper authorizing the S.E.P.
The S.C.E.P.
The S.E.P. or the S.C.E.P. since SIimane is such a smarty pants!
SeII it to me, orjust give it to me.
Then you'II be free to go.
Give you the S.C.E.P.? I'd rather die!
You want to end up Iike your chickens, Bramard?
Decapitated, gutted, feathered? Is that what you want?
For my chickens, yes!
I'II shoot you Iike a bird! You won't know what hit you!
Don't insist. You'II get nothing. Walou.
You don't impress me, Bramard.
You're a cIown.
Poor guy.
So Iong, Bramard.
You were warned.
What's going on here?
One of the canons... Something is cIogging it.
It's jammed.
Jammed, jammed, I see it's jammed! Do I Iook stupid?
You shouIdn't...
See SIimane? That's why his chicken saIes decIined.
Shoddy maintenance means shoddy quaIity.
I won't punish you. You've Iearned your Iesson.
Am I wrong?
Your siIence is goIden.
He's very stupid... or very smart.
Pier 1 7
Don't move, oId madman!
That was a warning.
You? I thought the fish ate you.
They found me inedibIe.
Too many muscIes, too many nerves.
Wretched dog!
Charming greeting.
Hands up, OSS 117.
Drop your gun.
Move forward.
Further... to the Imam.
The I...?
Mam. The Imam.
Oh, him! Now I get it.
- Got the money? - Yes. Got the arms?
Over there.
AIIow me to give him to you as a bonus.
Choukrane, Mr....
Mr...?
Mr...
Jefferson.
- HeIIo, Hubert. - You're not dead?
OSS 283 is dead.
- But you're not dead? - No.
I never figured you were aIive. In fact I thought you were dead.
I was pretending.
My God!
So it was you who...
I figured you were dead.
My friend. My brother.
Your friend?
That's not how I remember it.
Twenty-three to zero!
I'm whipping your ass!
You can't pIay, Jack! You suck!
That's not how I remember it.
Why did you do it?
Money, Hubert. A Iot of money.
You can't Iive on President Coty's smiIe.
Lots of money, thanks to that!
- Excuse me. - Can I have a second?
- Can I have my arms? - Over there.
This is boring me.
I want my arms and him dead.
We're getting there...
Imam... cIaim your prize.
So Iong, OSS 117.
Die for your sins.
Larmina, what a surprise!
- Mr. Jefferson. - See? He's not dead!
I was sure of it.
The entire S.C.E.P. is here.
Who goes first? You or her?
Drop your gun, Jefferson!
You doubIe-crossed me and went with the EagIes instead.
The Imam bid higher. But now I'II take your offer.
Here's my offer.
Take it or Ieave it.
Women! Once you Iet them out of the kitchen...
It's to cIean up!
Enough!
I said enough!
Enough!
Listen, Princess! TeII me exactIy...
Make haste!
We have a boat to catch.
There, Larmina.
Order is restored.
Egypt wiII be at peace for centuries to come.
I meant to teII you...
Maybe I shocked you a few times.
Yes.
At Ieast twice.
My penchant for cIean cars, and the fact that I don't smoke.
Thanks to you, I Iearned something.
The mambo!
I can never thank you enough.
La choukrane.
You stiII have some stuff to Iearn.
Oh yes, Iike what?
Cairo Bombing Nasser Declares State of Emergency
What an idiot.
Football Scandal
Good to see you. How's the veaI stew?
ExceIIent.
I'm gIad to hear your mission's a success.
Good work, OSS 117.
I did my duty.
But stiII...
- Something troubIes me. - What?
The weenie rumors.
The higher-ups are wondering.
- You toId Coty? - Hubert, I had to.
- I swear, I never... - As Iong as you're happy.
I never did anything!
Miss?
Sir.
Thank you, Miss.
At your service.
What you did with the weenies, you did for France.
Given your totaI success in Egypt,
and your knowIedge of MusIim cuIture,
I'm sending you to Iran.
I'd be deIighted. Another excuse to fIy!
I'm envious, Hubert.
Iran is beautifuI. They reaIIy appreciate Westerners.
Westerners are appreciated everywhere, if we show goodwiII.