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- The Stayton yacht. - Hello, Andrew. It's Mrs Mintz.
ÇäÇ ÑÌá Ûäí ÌÏÇ
I'd like to speak to my daughter.
They're not here, madam. They've gone shopping.
Uh, a little bit lower.
Yeah. Yeah, lower.
That's good. That's good.
- Were you really in the Coast Guard? - Damn right.
Why does he keep staring at me?
- Is he? - Yes! He was staring at me
with his mouth open all through dinner.
Well, honey, Billy was your high-school boyfriend.
You don't get any of the old feelings back when you look at him, do you?
I don't wanna do it!
You gotta do it if you wanna be a gruesome ghoul!
It's part of the initiation! Think about it.
That's good. Thanks a lot. Ah, yeah.
Uh, sugarlips. I think our guest needs another beer.
Uh, well, I really shouldn't, but maybe, uh... just one more
six-pack!
- Attagirl! - Thank you.
That's all the beer.
Whoa, buttercup! Just about time for dessert!
- How about some brownies? - I didn't make any.
- How about chocolate cream pie? - I made that.
- Is this gonna work? - My ideas always work. I'm gifted.
I loved it when you glued Joey to the toilet seat.
I was thinking about it at work. We need a theme for the golf course.
We can use a few contraptions you can knock some golf balls through.
- What's the score? I had my eyes closed. - 32-10.
- Who's winning? - The guys with 32.
- Great! - Who did this?!
Travis!
Hey, honey, what happened?
Oooh! This happened.
- You guys are beggin' for it! - Stop blustering! You won't punish them!
Ease up there, love chop! Just ease up.
Ease up? Ease up?
Since I walked through that door, I have cooked, cleaned,
scrubbed, chopped wood.
I've waited on you, your dogs, your kids and your friends
in the hopes that I would remember some shred of my life
and now it is entirely clear to me why I've chosen to block it out!
- Now, none of this ever... - Bothered me before.
Well, it bothers me now.
- All right, Joe! - Is that so?
Hey, hey, Joe! Come on, guys! No more jokes on Mom today, huh?
You really got her where you want her.
I got everything under control, don't worry.
- This is flat. Give me another one, Billy. - I only got six.
We're just gonna have to send out the old ball and chain to buy some more.
Good stuff!
Your chocolate cream pie.
Thanks, honey.
I guess it's kinda tough to serve with your hands stuck to plates.
Honey, we need forks!
- Sugarlips! - Yeah?
Wait a minute!
Fire, fire, fire!
- Yeah! - OK, guys, go get her!
Hey, thanks for a lovely dinner.
- She never did that before. - She did it now!
- Look at this! I gotta go to work! - Wait for me!
She went this way, guys!
Gruesome ghouls, attack!
- What should I do, Travis? - Go home!
I got you!
- Tickle her! - She's ticklish!
Ow, that hurts! Ow!
Leave me alone!
All right, time to get up.
Go to the bathroom and do what you normally do.
- You gonna squirt us with a hose again? - That's up to you.
- I gotta feed my turtle. - The damn turtle stole my headband.
Joey, come on. Time to get up!
I don't want to! The teacher's a big fat tub!
Proffitt boys, come up here!
Miss Pitcannon tells me you don't wanna take these tests.
I'm itchin' and I wanna go home!
You may go stand in the corner until you can talk like a little boy!
All of you children are new in this school.
These scores will determine your placement in future classes.
- You must concentrate... Greg! Stop that! - Make a face.
- I'm in real bad shape! - Nonsense!
Now, if you concentrate, I'm sure you can control those little bodies.
I see that, Amanda.
Joey, sit!
- Is anyone at your home? - Yeah. Our mom is.
You have a mother now? Your father remarried?
Um, yeah. We got a new mother now.
Well, good. Then I'm calling both your parents!
Mrs Burbridge, I'm Annie Proffitt. What happened?
Well, Mrs Proffitt, apparently your children consider themselves
above taking the Schwartzman-Heinliken tests.
I'm sorry. What are the Schwartzman-Heinliken tests?
Placement tests. They are very valuable in measuring intelligence and potential.
Sit still!
Your children are a discipline problem.
I know. I have had difficulties myself.
- What did you do now? - Oh! They decided to play sick!
And not very convincingly.
Now, I believe their problems exist because of deficient parental guidance.
The children are slovenly, incorrigible
and being reared by a father who clearly isn't concerned about their welfare,
but is himself just a large child!
- Excuse me, Mrs Burbridge. - Oh, the test results. Thank you.
I'll look these over as soon as I'm finished with this... woman.
Oh, my God.
I'll see you later in the cafeteria.
Mrs Burbridge, would you come over here for a moment?
Has it escaped your attention that these children have head-to-toe poison oak?
Well, no... Yes, but...
But what? My children are in need of medical assistance!
And you can sit here and smugly lecture me on the importance of tests?
Tests which label children's potential - a thing which cannot be measured!
Least of all by anal-compulsive Huns!
And my husband may be a large child, but that's none of your business.
And my children may be rotten, but they're mine!
And I think that they're bright and sensitive.
So I have no doubts whatsoever about their intelligence!
I do, however, have serious doubts about yours!
Kids, get in the car. Let's go.
Move!
- She told her off. - Dad never did that.
Discipline problem?
My regards to Schwartzman and Heinliken.
I can't stop itching!
Well, what do you expect when you roll around in poison oak?
What I want you to do, what the doctor said, is put it right on the red parts.
OK?
Soon we're going to clean up this room because it's a disgrace.
- We like it like a disgrace. - Dad lets us do whatever we want!
Yeah, well, it's trickling down the stairway.
Joey, don't. Don't get that near your eyes. Look, I want you to read this.
See what it says? "Don't get near your eyes." Read on.
- What's this all about? - He's embarrassed cos he can't read.
- Well, he's a small child. - He can't read for a small child either.
The teacher makes fun of him!
OK, we'll talk about this later. Go to sleep.
- Dean! - Where is that?
- Dean! - Yeah!
- What is it? - Where are you going?
Out. If I could ever find my...
Oh, wait. Wait!
Not tonight! We have to talk.
- When I get home. I'm in a hurry. - Now!
You know, I let the water routine slide by the other day, but let's not push it, OK?
I got a little carried away with the hose, but this is important.
OK, fine. What's on your mind, sugarlips?
Stop calling me sugarlips! I have a name. Call me Annie.
Get to the point, Annie. I'm busy. The guys are waitin' for me.
You can't run out every time things get complicated here. The kids are sick!
They got calamine lotion. What do you want me to do?
- Take on some grown-up responsibility! - I earn the money. That's a responsibility.
Are you aware that Joey can't read? That Travis only reads smut magazines?
- I can't get him out of the bathroom. - He's 13! I'll build you another bathroom!
They don't need that! They need guidance from you!
Oh-oh-oh! Now, don't you worry about me and my boys, OK? We're pals.
They have enough pals. They need a father.
Hey, hey, hey, look. I decided a long time before you... you and me...
We decided a long time ago, before we started this family,
we'd raise these kids naturally, not force bullshit rules...
I'm not talking about discipline. I'm talking...
Stuff you shouldn't be talking about! It's none of your business, anyway.
- My children are none of my business? - Look... I have... Now I'm late!
Thanks a lot(!) Appreciate it.
Say, Annie. Are you asleep?
No. Go away.
Uh... listen. I'm...
I'm sorry I came down on you so hard before.
It's OK.
Just so you won't think I don't appreciate all the work you're doin' in the house
and how you handle the kids and all that, uh...
You know, I think you're doin' great.
I mean, what you said about me and the boys tonight, uh...
I guess you probably...
You know, maybe you got a small point there, and I just... I can't...
I can't talk to you while you're turned away.
- Will you just please get your head out? - No.
- No! - Why?
Because I'm so ugly.
I got poison oak, too!
Come on, now. Nobody cares what you look like.
I mean, we do like the way you look. Normally you look real pretty.
You just don't now.
All right, forget it.
I don't even have a wedding ring!
- What? - I lost my wedding ring in the sea.
OK, come on. Come on.
Let's go.
Oh, no. I'm not going back in the water barrel!
I'm puttin' you in the bedroom. I'll take the couch.
Oh, hey, listen. I've had poison oak a million times.
Come on, guys. Up! Up!
Yeah. You know, I once got poison oak on my bu... back.
And, uh...
Well, don't you worry. It'll be gone in no time. Lift your head.
- That's it. Is that better? - Yeah.
- All right? - Yes.
Tell me something about my life, about my past. Please.
Something not horrible.
Uh, OK.
Yeah. Well, there was that time, uh...
...when you were, uh...
You were working at...
yeah, Burger Boy over in Lewisville.
And, uh, this kid started choking on a French fry.
Everybody there panicked, including me, except for you.
You ran over to him and you gave him that Heimlich manoeuvre, where you...
And poof! The kid puked up the fry
and they named you Burger Boy employee of the month.
It was great. They put your picture above the cash register and...
I was really proud of you. I mean it.
You can be quite charming when you wanna be.
Ah. You just caught me on a bad day.
Good night... Annie.
Good night.
- Heads up! - After I finished with the Coast Guard,
I looked up Dean. We used to play football together.
Used to call him Mean Dean Proffitt. Used to call me Bad Billy Pratt.
- Out! - Now, Billy, when did we date?
Let's eat!
- It might be... - Are we talking about the golf course?
Yeah. The guys with suits come down in less than a week.
What do you think about this, huh?
Sink 'Em and Drink 'Em. 18 holes based on famous breweries.
I think what I thought yesterday. It's a lousy idea.
I thought you'd change your mind now you're sober.
What about other places? Foreign places.
What do you mean? Like France or Africa?
Mais oui! La Tour Eiffel, comme c'est jolie!
I speak French!
It just came out.
Do I know what I said?
Yes, I do.
I must have learned that in Paris.
When was I in Paris?
In the Navy.
- Navy. - Well, it's a stupid idea in any language.
Besides, we're building these things in America.
Wait a minute. This isn't a bad idea.
I could invent some wild things here. Go on.
Well, like, uh... the Taj Mahal, Seven Wonders of the World.
- Bring them to the people of Elk Cove! - Well, I gotta bring it in for a price.
I can bring it in, but can you draw me some pictures
so I can see what you mean? Annie?
- What's this? - Travis found a girlfriend.
Hey, Trav! Don't knock her up!
- Very funny! Watch your... - Oh, Mom!
Yeah, "Oh, Mom!" Watch your language!
Come on! What are you talkin' about?
- Pick a wonder. - Stevie Wonder.
- Give me a wonder. One wonder. - There's Mount Rushmore.
- The Parthenon. - Parthenon, right.
- St Basil's, the Russian cathedral. - Grand Canyon. Everybody'll love that!
- Egyptian pyramids. - The Eiffel Tower.
It's expensive. I gotta build... If it rains... Hey, fibreglass! Perfect!
Let's clean up for an early dinner. I've got a lot of drawing to do.
Isn't Dad gonna eat with us tonight?
No! He had to go out.
- He had to go bowling this time. - Really?
It's pretty hard to go bowling without a bowling ball.
D I know I done you wrong
d Do you remember that rainy evening I put you out
d With nothin' but a fine-toothed comb
What would you want with old sweet-mouth?
D Ain't that a shame, I know I'm to blame
d Bill Bailey, won't you please come home?
Scott Murphy, bring your invoice up to the front.
This ain't your average pile of fertiliser here.
Uh-uh. No, siree. This here's a special blend.
Fish heads, shrimp skins, crab claws, earthworm droppings...
I don't wanna know that much about it.
- Here you go. - After this, you get to shovel fish guts!
If you're lucky, we'll let you clean the truck!
- Whoops! I forgot to give you this. - What have I got to put on airs for?
Oh, stop fussing. You look great.
Well, they put their pants on just like me - one leg at a time.
Now, don't be nervous, OK?
If you don't get it, so what?
We've been through rougher times than these before.
I think.
Gentlemen, this is Dean Proffitt, inventor and master craftsman.
What we're here for this evening is this.
It's the Wonders of the World miniature golf course.
If you look at these pictures, you can begin to sort of feel...
What we're trying to do is bring some of this outer world here into Elk Cove.
The Leaning Tower of Pizza doubles as a pizza stand.
That sort of gives us an idea of where we might go in the future.
Oh, shit, I'm sorry. Here, let me get that.
Waitress! Get over here, will you?
Have you ever been nervous in your life?
Go ahead, ask me. Ask me if we got the money.
Did you get the money?
- We got the money! - Oooh, great!
- That's so great! - Can you believe it?!
Step up! She rolls up here... and down.
It's got three choices. This time, it's going through the oil funnel,
past the plastic fan, into the kids' sand shovel and flour sifter.
Now, turn around quick. Here it comes. It should be out about now.
- OK, now show me your invention. - You're gonna hate it.
I'm not gonna hate it. I love 'em.
That's nice.
I gotta tell her, Billy. I gotta tell Annie the truth.
In the beginning, it was OK because it was part of a gag.
Now it's more like lies. I... I know what you're thinkin'.
- Hey, I'm not thinkin' anything. - Yeah, you are and I'm gonna tell her.
I know it's time to tell her!
Ooh, Dr Death looks mad.
- Joker's saying "No". - I know. What does he say up here?
"I will re... re... re..."
- Reduce. - "Reduce your puny planet to rub..."
- Ru... ru... - Rubble.
Good! That's very good, sweetie.
Are you gonna leave?
No. I'm your mommy.
- I'm not going anywhere. - Sometimes moms leave.
Well, I guess maybe they do. But I'm not gonna go anywhere.
Good.
Oooh, what is this? Is this a present for me?
- Yes. I made it from macaroni. - I love it.
I'll always wear it.
- Hey, Dad! - Hi! How's it goin', guys?
I got the part of Tiny Tim in the school play.
- I got an A in English. - I'm flunkin' math.
Well, I guess we better work on it later on, huh?
You're just in time. Dr Death is on the rampage.
Annie, I need to talk to you.
Alone, guys.
- Is something wrong? - Uh, well...
No. Uh, yeah. Yeah.
No, I just... I need to tell you somethin'. Here, sit down.
What is it?
Annie, I've done... I've done something that, um...
I'm ashamed of. And I just...
- I already know. - You do?
- What... What do you know? - You work nights at the fertiliser plant.
You don't have to be ashamed because you shovel fish guts.
I'm proud of you no matter what you do.
- Is that it? - Uh, well, that's one of the things, but I...
No. Not really.
What is it?
Annie...
I...
I... God, I forgot your birthday.
- It's my birthday? - Come on! Get dressed!
D Jim Dandy to the rescue
d Jim Dandy to the rescue
d Go, Jim Dandy! Go, Jim Dandy!
D I'm sittin' on a mountain top
d 30,000 feet to drop
d Spied a lady on a runaway horse
d Uh-huh, that's right, of course!
D Jim Dandy to the rescue
d Go, Jim Dandy! Go, Jim Dandy!
- Come on, I've had it! - What? Are we goin' home?
- What? - Are we going home?
- Oh, no. I just... Aren't you hot? - Yeah. Let's go outside.
- Come on! - Hey, let's not forget this. It's $7 a pop.
Don't worry about what it costs. It's your birthday! I got it covered.
Just one last toast to your birthday.
Oh! Whoops, I lost my bottom.
Wait a minute.
There! They always do that. Now, this is...
- Happy birthday, Annie. - Thanks, Dean.
- I've never tasted anything quite like this. - It's good stuff.
Boy, it sure is pretty, isn't it?
Why do they honk three times?
To signal they're comin' home.
Yeah, it's a legend... of Arturo, who was a Portuguese fisherman.
He met this beautiful girl his first night in town - Catarina.
And, um, eventually they fell in love.
But the problem was that Catarina's father was the territorial governor.
He didn't want his only little girl to be with a lowly fisherman.
So he told Arturo that he'd have to ship off,
which he did, but he told Catarina he'd be back for her
and when he came back, he'd signal with three long blasts
so she could dive off the rocks and swim to the boat, and they'd be on their way.
Oh, I love this story.
So, a year later, everything went as planned.
But when she was swimmin' out to the boat,
the fog got so thick that, uh, she couldn't find the boat.
Arturo panicked and he called out "Catarina! Catarina!"
Catarina yelled back "Arturo!"
With that, he dove right off the boat into the icy waters, and they...
- Kissed. - No, they drowned.
They never found each other and they drowned.
- Oh, that's a terrible story! - Yeah, but the legend is
they reunited at the bottom of the sea, right over there,
and every time you see the spray goin' up, it's them.
- Making love? - Yeah.
For ever and ever.
D For I can't help
d Falling in love...
Dean?
What, Annie?
How old am I?
29.
- Dean. - Yeah?
Was it always like this?
Every time with you is like the first time.
Oh, come on, guys!
Hey, let us sleep for a while!
Right, that's it! I'm gonna spank 'em.
- No! Dean, please don't. - Every one of them's gonna get it!
Surprise!
- A washing machine! - Do you like it?
Honey, it's so expensive.
No shit!
Thank you.
She might have no tits but she has a nice ass.
Grant?
Edith. Hello.
This is ludicrous, Grant. I have called every week for two months.
I've looked forward to each call.
Do you have the gall to tell me that I've missed her again?
- She's sleeping. - I don't believe you.
Grant, if you do not produce Joanna
in one week, I am going to hire a mass of mercenaries to hunt you down
and chop off the protruding parts of your body. Is that clear?
I'll find her. I mean, you'll have your daughter soon. Bye!
Andrew. Point the boat back to Elk Snout.
You and Mommy are going to take a little trip, aren't we?
We's gonna go bye-bye, yes!
- Sit there and don't get dirty! - I hate this.
It's not so bad to get dressed up every once in a while.
It's like the goddamn Brady Bunch!
- Dad's here! - Mom, Dad's home!
Hey, guys!
I gotta go put on a suit. Gertie's picking me up.
How can you go hunting on such an important day?
- Easy. Pheasant don't play miniature golf. - Hunting calms Billy down, honey.
- The ceremonies start in an hour. - Billy, hang this guy out.
Sweetie, I'll be ready... in a second.
I lent the station wagon to Gertie so we have to take the truck.
God! What a mess.
Feathers!
"JS".
Honey, would you hand me a towel there?
Thanks.
What... What is this?
No, that's my question. They were in the truck.
These are... I dunno what these are. I... Who...
Here. I, uh, we gotta get going. We're gonna be late.
Thanks for putting my clothes on the bed.
- Oh, stop it! - This is nothing!
Nothing? I gave you the best years of my life.
I've raised your children.
I bore your fruit four times and you tell me this is nothing?
You're making a big deal out of a little thing.
It's the number one cause of divorce in this country.
Where's my jacket? What divorce? What are you saying...
- I'm saying what I'm saying. - You're saying what you're saying!
- What, you wanna divorce? - Well, uh... yeah, maybe I do!
- Well, you can't have one. - Oh, really. I can have a divorce.
- Where did I put my damn boots? - I can get a divorce if I want to.
I don't need your permission.
Do you love her?
Do you?
Tell me.
Honestly? Yes and no.
- More yes than no? - This is unbelievable! How did you...?!
I'm glad this happened.
I've been tryin' to figure out a way to tell you this for ever. Come here. Sit down.
I wanna tell you something.
JS is you. These are yours and we're not married. There. God, I finally said it!
What's her name? Jacqueline? Josie?
Honey, I'm not your husband and you're not my wife.
Is she from that fertiliser plant? Does she hand out shovels?
These aren't your kids! You didn't bear anything!
- Don't change the subject! Who is she?! - Forget it! Come here!
- Guys, we gotta talk and this is serious. - Mom, we're still all clean!
I just told her about her not being your mother and I want you to tell her, too.
- Go ahead, tell her. - Dad, tell her what?
- Tell her she's not your mother. - But she is our mother!
No. Don't tell her what I told you to tell her. Just tell her the truth now, OK?
- Tell her about the day she came home! - She went for a swim.
We were really worried. I was up all night pacing.
- You'd never seen her before! - Don't speak to my children that way!
- What do you think you're doing? - We won't let you ruin everything.
- We're keepin' her. - She doesn't belong to you!
She didn't belong to you, but that didn't stop you!
- I had my reasons! - So do we.
- We like her, Dad! - You like her, do you?
So much you'd rather live with her than your own father?!
- Found 'em in the glove compartment? - Yeah. Tell me every sordid detail.
Who is JS and what does she do to Dean?
- Annie... - Tell me everything. Be honest with me.
Annie, uh... That's my underwear.
- What? - I don't mean I wear it or anything.
- It belongs to a girlfriend. - What about Gertie?
I strayed. See, I got lucky with this phone-sex girl one night.
I found one that accepted personal cheques and...
You see, I don't have a back seat in my truck so I... I used yours.
Dean doesn't want you to tell Gert, so he's covering for me.
- What are you talking about? - I confessed. The jig is up.
The jig is up! I'm finally trying to tell her the truth.
I just did. See, I didn't get the reputation for being Bad Billy Pratt by accident.
Annie, I'm sorry.
I got horny.
- Do you hate me? - Oh, no, I don't hate you.
- I'm glad you're bad, Billy Pratt. - Biggest load of bullshit I've seen.
Honey, honey. Phone-for-sex girls don't come to your truck, honey. They...
No, stop trying to cover for him, sweetie. Let's just forget it.
Pretty expensive panties. You can have these back.
That girl must have more than one phone.
Pretty good, huh?
You did this to protect your ass because you faked my pictures?
No, I did it to protect your ass, OK? You belong with her.
Oh, cute.
Mom! Help, he has my hand.
Why do you stick your hands in people's mouths, anyway?
Let's go. Let's go to another one.
I have been calling all over Elk Cove.
No, no. Don't worry. No, no. I will try Portland for a limousine.
I really don't have anything to say except that, uh...
there would be no Wonders of the World miniature golf course if it wasn't for
the imagination and the creativity of one woman.
That's my Annie. Annie, you wanna come up here?
I love you, Annie. I want you to be with me always.
Everybody, play ball!
Let's go clean up.
- Hey, Dad! Whose car is that? - Maybe it's a rich relative.
- Sure, it's Daddy Warbucks! - Maybe we won the lottery.
Hi, Grant! I just have to put these in some water.
Grant? Is that you?
Yes.
Yes, you're Grant Stayton III.
I remember!
I remember. I'm Joanna Stayton.
Ooh! Dean, I'm cured.
I can remember again.
Oh, God!
You can't imagine how terrible it is not to know who you are.
The doctor said that my mind would come back suddenly and he was right.
I saw you, I walked past you into the house and poof! My memory came back.
Ask me anything. Ask me about my childhood in New York.
Uh, about my mom. Her name is Edith.
About my money. Money!
I have money! I have lots of money! I even have some in Switzerland!
- Switzerland? - See how I know me?
Oh, God, this is the happiest day of my life!
Oh, thank you. Thank you for bringing me here
and making me a wife and a mother and...
Why did you do that?
Why...?
I know why.
You're that sweaty carpenter who hates me.
And these are your children, and you made me
believe that...
Oh, God...
You tricked me.
You used me.
Say something.
- Annie, it just started out... - My name is not Annie.
And I don't belong with you.
And I don't belong with them.
I have to... get my things.
Don't get any ideas. I brought Olaf.
Olaf!
I think we can take Olaf.
I won't have...
There's nothing inside that's mine.
Joanna, for whatever it's worth,
thank you.
Come on, dear.
We'll get you out of these clothes.
- Mom, wait! - Mom!
- Mom, come back!
- You said moms don't leave! - Get!
We should have told her, Dad.
She just would have left sooner.
Come on.
Welcome back, Mrs Stayton.
Dr Korman, will she ever again be the debutante I raised?
- Will she be one of us? - Joanna wants to rediscover her old self.
Her memory's almost completely restored.
She even recalled the session where I wrote this.
D I love you madly though you treat me badly...
Dr Korman! Please!
We need analysis, not "Moon River"! I want my wife back.
Joanna knows who she is. And she's trying to behave that way.
Happy?
Good evening, madam.
- Ah, my darling Joanna. - You look radiant, Jo-Jo.
Oh, please don't call me that. I feel like a Pomeranian.
You liked being called Jo-Jo. It was diddums you hated.
Mother, why does Dr Korman have to be here? I feel self-conscious enough as it is.
Oh, sweetie. Just indulge Mommy, hm?
Come along, now. Sit, sit, sit.
Andrew, I'm sitting.
Now, Mrs Mintz.
Dr Korman knows you so well, dear, and he only wants to help.
- Champagne, madam. - Ah, thank you, Andrew.
- Andrew, I'd love a beer. - A beer?
- It's wrong, isn't it? - Nothing is ever wrong.
Actually, I really don't see the harm in accommodating her wishes, Andrew.
- Cigarette, darling? - I don't smoke, Mother. Do I?
Of course you smoke. You've always smoked.
- I smoke. - Why don't we all smoke?
Why do I have to smoke? I've never smoked. I get sick when I smoke.
Why does everyone try to make me do what I don't want to do?
Grant, we are not interested in your therapy.
I had my nervous breakdown and I didn't have therapy. I never had therapy!
- Mother, would you like some? - I'd love some.
Put that down! Good God, Joanna! We have servants for that.
Now, really, this is going too far.
Joanna, what motivated you to rise and go get the serving tray?
Well, I thought you might be hungry.
- That's excellent. - What's excellent about it?
- I was hungry. - Your beer, madam.
Who cares that you were hungry! She became a waitress!
- My daughter's a waitress?! - Hold it.
Mm!
Good stuff.
I'll stay an extra few days, yes.
- They won't come in. - Shit.
Spaghettio Surprise.
- What's goin' on? - We're gettin' Mom back.
- We miss her. - Yeah, she cuts the crusts off the bread.
She doesn't take any of my shit either. I need discipline.
We got $3.04.
We're gonna rent a fishing boat and get her back.
No fishing boat's gonna catch a yacht, especially at that price.
- Maybe she'll decide to come back. - Dumbo, she's on her way to New York!
- This is a job for Dr Death. - Yeah, Dr Death could do it!
We gotta do somethin'. Right, Dad?
Wrong!
Now, she's gone, guys.
She hates me!
She's got her rich husband back... and her rich life and that's the end of it.
I love the sound of the ocean.
Hallo-ooo!
Tofutti.
Ah, Tofutti, where are you when I need you?
Tofutti Klein-ein-ein-ein...
All together. And!
Lick, shake, lick.
Drink!
Suck!
- You sucked first! - No, I didn't! I did it right!
- Danger watch! Gotta go! Let's go! - Oh, yes.
Croissants in the morning!
- Dinner was wonderful. - Merci beaucoup. Bonne nuit.
You best not lose these again, madam.
- Again? - With my apologies, madam.
"Andrew! I seem to have lost my ruby earrings somewhere between...
...64th... and 68th Streets."
"Find them!"
I've behaved so badly. I don't know how you put up with me for so long.
You've done so many wonderful things for me
and I've never even once said thank you.
I'm sorry.
Apology accepted, ma'am.
Everyone thinks I'm crazy. Do you think they're right?
Oh, no, madam. Oh, no.
Most of us... go through life with blinders on, madam,
knowing only that one little station to which we were born.
But you, madam, on the other hand, have had the rare privilege
of escaping your bonds for just a spell
to see life from an entirely new perspective.
How you choose to use that information, madam, is entirely up to you.
- Captain Karl? - Yes, ma'am.
- We've never really had time to talk. - No, we haven't.
Well, there's no time now.
- What are you doing? - Turning the boat around.
- Why? - I'm going home.
You're turning that wheel too fast.
Captain Karl! Why is the land on the wrong side of the yacht?
Oh, she did? Well, she's gone too far this time.
She thinks she's dealing with an idiot!
So we're heading back to the jungles of Oregon!
- I want to go back, Grant. - To him?
Yes. I'm sorry.
You haven't begun to be sorry, you hillbilly harlot!
Captain Karl, go below with the crew. I'm taking over.
Andrew, go get Dr Korman! Go!
- Get out of my way, Karl! - But, sir!
Now I'm in charge!
We're coming about... at full speed ahead!
- Who is it? - Dr Death. Let's go.
We're gonna go get her!
Come on! Billy's friends'll help us!
- I hope I don't get court-martialled. - Yeah, I owe you.
- Anything in the manual? - Not about pulling alongside a ship
and telling a passenger you love them, sir.
Put your nose in the manual and find something, Lucas!
Whatever you do, I'm getting off at the next port.
Don't be ridiculous. Nobody leaves a Stayton.
I don't love you any more. Please try and understand that.
What has love got to do with marriage?
You'd actually prefer living in squalor with that cave dweller!
They should have kept you in the hospital psycho ward!
What did you say?
How did you know that?
You left me there, didn't you?
You snake!
How could you do that?
How could you be such a slime?
Call me all the names you want, but many women adore me!
Do you wanna know what I was doing? I'll tell you.
I was whacking the donkey with painted ladies. They loved me!
Yes! I did leave you.
There! Now I've confessed. So what?
We're at sea. And I'm a god at sea!
Nine o'clock in the morning. This better be good.
Doctor, Grant's having another nervous breakdown.
- He thinks he's God. Keep him busy. - All right.
- Morning, Grant. - Korman, my wife is insane.
- Do we have a straitjacket? - I always carry one.
Good! Put her in it!
You're overwrought, Grant. I want you to take a Valium.
Here, take one of mine.
- Is Nino here? - Nino on break.
I have to stop the boat. My husband's a little bit crazy...
- The captain stop the boat. - I'm the captain!
No, please don't salute! I have to find a red button...
Vessel sighted straight ahead, sir!
- Identify. - There's a fat guy in my way, sir.
Who you callin' fat, you little weasel! Come here!
Where's the thing? I need the red...
- Here! Here it is! - No, please!
- The boat stopped. - Yes, it stopped!
- I need to get it turned around. - Nino on the break.
He's here!
He's here! That's him!
Stop that boat immediately and let me get my mom!
- Qu'est-ce que c'est? - Pee Wee Herman.
- Qui est-ce? - Maman! Qu'est-ce qu'on mange ce soir?
Come in, Immaculata.
- He's here! - There's mutiny afoot.
She's at the bottom of this mutiny. I'm gonna rid myself of this albatross.
He's here!
- Go back to New York, Dr Korman. - Really? Thank you.
- Dean! - Madam! The ship has stopped.
What happened? Did he strike you?
- Did he make you do something? - No! Everything's wonderful.
- Message over the radio, sir. - Annie! Ha-ha!
Looks like the fun's over. We've got some salmon poachers fishing in illegal waters.
That takes precedence over your friend's love life.
- Come about! - Son, no more radio.
Hey! Hey! Hey, wait a... Hey!
- Billy, what's goin' on? - We're turnin' round.
They're going after salmon poachers.
He's leaving. Where's he going?
- Catarina! - Arturo!
I'm coming!
- Man overboard! - Shit! Sound the horn.
Coming about again, Czapowskyj.
Annie!
Oh, no, madam. I cannot let you do this!
- What? - Not without a lifejacket.
Dean! I'm coming!
Madam, you really should play a little hard to get.
Tell my mother I'll call her!
Woman overboard! She's wearing an evening dress, sir.
Get those kids out of the rescue boat. Let's go!
My mom's out there! Let me...
Halt! You treasonous tramp!
Conspiring with the enemy at sea is mutiny!
Pull!
Another man overboard!
I am giving my notice, sir!
- Annie! - Oh, Dean!
Annie!
I love you! I'll never leave you again!
I'll never let you go! You're my Annie. You always will be.
Man overboard is kissing woman overboard.
Our rescue boat is starboard.
The guy with the arrows is being pulled in at port.
It's a helluva day at sea, sir.
- I can't believe you did it. - Oh, I saw you jump so I jumped.
No, I don't mean that.
I can't believe you gave all that up just for me.
- I didn't. - What do... What do you mean?
Well, the truth is that it's mine.
The boat, the money, everything. It's all mine.
Dean! Dean, it's OK!
Oh! Did you tell 'em?
Yeah.
- They're making out their Christmas lists. - Oh, already?
How do you spell Porsche?
They got me thinking, though.
What can I possibly give you, ever, that you don't already have?
A little girl.
# Different people
# Different worlds
# You just call me
# And I'll be there for you
# We belong together
# You know it's true
# Cos there's something special about
# Me and you
# Something special about our love
# It's all right
# Baby, it's OK
# We're gonna make it
# No matter what they say
# Sure as the stars shine
# In the sky above
# There is something special about our love
# People change
# As time goes by
# Others come between
# But I'll love you
# Till the day I die
# Cos there's something special about
# You and me
# Something special
# About our love
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