Team21@duasatu. com
Thank you.
Welcome.
Well, thank you.
Up the stairs, ma'am.
- Come on, let's go. - I'm coming.
Good evening, ladies.
Purses.
Good evening. Can you open your jacket, please?
Excuse me!
Follow me.
Why all the security?
OK, big boys with the big guns,
- I feel protected. - They are not here to protect us.
I have a bad feeling about this.
Cat, don't worry.
Yeah, but just stay safe, OK?
Yes, don't worry about me.
Goddamn. They're having a fun night.
Check it out.
Are you crazy?
Ooh, I like the chick in the back, the blonde one.
Yeah. Do you think she's got her real tits?
Jakovic, hi. I owe you, pal.
See you.
No, no, no, thank you.
Come on!
Take that!
Oh-ho! That's good.
That's really good.
I'm going to take this off.
Take it off. Who wants to fuck a big, fat American?
- I want to fuck. - You do?
Do you know each other?
- No. - Well, you will soon.
- Hi, I'm Lela. - Cat. Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you.
Sava. Come, come.
Come.
- Please, please. - Anthony, very full.
Sava, how can you sell the food
if you don't know what it tastes like?
My stomach, its very...
Full, I know.
You and you and me...
- What? What the fuck? - What are you doing here?!
Jesus Christ! What are you...?
Jesus! You're wet.
- Why are you here? - I came to see my best friend.
- Meet my ladies. - Oh, Jesus Christ.
- This is, er, Eva? - Jieva.
- Mm-hm.
- And this is Natsuya? - Nastasya.
- N-Nastasya. - Nastasya, yes.
Uh-uh. It doesn't matter. Yeah, yeah.
This is my oldest friend, Anthony.
How are you doing? Hi.
I saved him from many brutal beat-downs.
Hey!
It's true.
How beautiful are they? Look at that.
You need a place to stay? - No, I got a spot down the street.
They laid it out, flat screen TV, satellite dish,
minibar, got 950 channels.
- I'm watching the game. - No, you didn't.
- What you talking about? - It's bullshit.
Yesterday was the tenth. No international travel.
It's now 3.27, it means you got in around 2pm,
which makes it the British Air 9.15 from Philly.
Unless you're giving hand jobs to LeBron,
no way you saw a basketball player.
There's three channels only so...
- OK. - You need a place to stay.
I said they could stay with us.
- They can't. - You got a girlfriend?
- No, but you do. - You do?
- You have a girlfriend? - What happened was...
What happened with Stephanie?
I've been promoted, so I'm moving to California. The movers come tomorrow.
I want you and your shit out of here. Here, 300 bucks.
- Good luck. - You're paying me to move?
But deep down, I think she loves me.
You can stay on my couch, help with the restaurant.
- Get these girls a cab. - You'd take away my hoasis?
Come on, you're going to help me cook. Make something good.
They need to help me cook, too.
I'm right up here.
So? You like it?
Yeah. You want me to be straight up?
OK, fuck it. Go next door and eat yak butter and deep-fried Twinkies.
No, no, no, no! Let me finish this.
I'm just saying, maybe the restaurant business isn't for you.
It's a people-pleasing thing and you're not a people-pleasing person.
So what do I do, man, huh? You tell me.
I should serve hotpockets and Chef Boyardee like the rest?
To win paying customers, yes.
- Hey, I've got to drop this deuce. - Go.
Where's the bathroom? I'm just playing.
I'm going to take a leak real quick.
Whoa!
May I please use your phone?
Yeah, it's right back there on the right.
OK.
Er, wait, you want maybe a drink?
A little wine? Something to eat?
Rain check.
Oh, my gosh.
Hello?
Ryder, it's me, Cat.
- What the fuck did you do? - Me? I survived, that's what I did.
- They said there was an accident. - Their guns went off
multiple times and shot all the multiple girls?
Don't worry, we'll take care of it. You'll be fine.
I wonder where her baby is.
- Er, what baby? - The little bruise round her pinky.
When my nephew was teething,
he'd teeth on her pinky and it left a bruise.
She wanted a drink but she wouldn't have one.
Also, I could be wrong,
but, I'm looking at her breasts and thinking milk.
Really? I'm looking at her titties and thinking half and half.
- Where are you? - Don't worry.
- Did you tell them about Alex? - Of course not.
You're worth more alive and on your back.
The pants. The pants.
- Hello? - Grushenka,
I can't talk long, so please listen to me.
Cat, what's going on?
I need you to watch Alex a little longer.
I'll be back as soon as I can get across the border.
Where are you Cat? Is everything OK?
Just tell me what's wrong. You're scaring me, Cat.
- Sabina is dead. - What?
- Sabina is dead. - Sabina is dead?
Here comes the action, man. Check it out.
Ooh, you like that, huh?
- The safety word is "toast"? - Toast, yes.
Grushenka, please...
We'll cry about her later. Not now.
You're gonna scare Alex.
Can you put him on the phone?
Hello, baby... it's mommy.
I miss you so much. I love you very much.
Baby, I love you so much. I miss you so much.
Here she comes. Don't say nothing.
Thank you very much.
- You are so nice and handsome. - Oh, you, too.
- Bye. - Bye.
Did you see the munk?
Fun fact. I don't trust her.
What, cos she didn't eat your food?
Not just that. She's about to take my car.
All the bending over was a subterfuge
to sleight of hand my keys.
- She also took your phone. - What?!
Come on!
Quick! Come on, man.
Hey, hold on! Hey!
Lady, open the door. You've got my phone.
Come on. El niño loco. What are you doing?
I just want my phone. My momma bought me that phone.
Come on, I've got numbers. Come on.
Miss, could you please steal someone else's car?
Don't drive off with my phone! Hey!
Lady! Hey! I'm gonna call the cops!
Man, shit!
You're gonna let her steal your car like that?
She must really need it.
"She... She must really need it?"
I must really need my phone!
- How far is your place? - 15 minutes away.
You said that 15 minutes ago.
Anthony, you don't think
my business ideas have been unsuccessful, do you?
Compared to what?
Some have been very, er, interesting.
It's not how good you are, it's how good you wanna be.
- I guess so. - I got an idea.
What you got?
- OK, it's a lot of money. - Ah, this is a good story.
- We'll make a lot. - Sounds interesting.
I need a one-way ticket to Treviso.
One moment.
You want to set up a detective agency?
I want us to set up a detective agency.
You've been through a lot.
- No, this guy Gerry told me... - Who the helI's Gerry?
You know Gerry. He comes on late night.
Is your spouse cheating on you?
Do you want to find a loved one?
If you can't catch them, Kech can.
Licensed private investigators.
He charges $400 plus expenses.
Dude, trust me. These guys eat well, they tip well.
You know chicks love that.
And we have one clear advantage.
- What's that? - We have nothing better to do.
Listen, we'd need an office, experience...
- "We?" - .. equipment, all kinds of capital.
- You said "we". - No, absolutely not.
Ten, twenty grand for start-up costs.
I don't have money.
- What about the trust fund? - Absolutely not.
I'm trying hard to keep my family out of my life.
- At least you have a family. - Stop it.
I was raised by African fruit bats.
Don't play the African fruit bat card.
Can I play the best friend card?
In ninth grade, you helped the Dean's wife find her husband's diary.
Then she shot him in the face.
- So the answer's no? - I'm in Eastern fucking Europe.
I left the States three years ago, which was your idea.
I remember.
It was to get away from my family.
Why? Because I like to cook. And be alone. That's it.
Well, you got your wishes.
Nobody comes to the restaurant to eat.
Just wish to never get laid and all three wishes will be up.
Anthony?
Mm?
Can I get a glass of water?
No, you're gonna piss on my couch.
I know I told you to get away from your family,
go travel, live your life,
but you're here just hiding from the world, man.
I need you in on this. And you need to live your life.
So, you in on this, man?
You going to get with me? Come on, man, be a dick.
All right.
If it doesn't work, you're waiting tables.
- We're gonna do this? - I'm with you.
- We can! Yes, we can! - We'll try.
Come on, you feel me! My boy! Bros before hos.
- I don't have any hos. - That's on my list.
You gonna get some hos.
It's, er, wait.
"Bonjour". It's right here. Come on, here we go.
This is it.
Oh, yes!
Yes! Dude, that's Santa Claus.
They're showing Christmas movies.
A porno theatre. Our office is in a porno theatre.
Dude, you think Ben and Jerry started in a high rise creamery?
No, not at all. They had one big spoon, one bucket,
in the back of a VW van, creaming in their pants.
Ground up, Anthony, ground up.
Hey, you wanna watch the movie,
you need to buy a ticket.
Er, let's see.
We're looking for a... Boden.
Ah, Boda? It's me.
Come on, guys, come on.
This is your office. You make here much money.
You have all you need here. Big desk, free porno.
Careful, careful. Boards rotten.
Here, you can put the papers.
And this is very important place.
You can wash here or piss here.
Everybody must piss, yes.
500 of month, but, er, for you, because I like your face,
I give to you for four, OK?
We'll take it.
Good guys.
- Yes. - Come on, pay him.
- Er, yes, come on. - You ready to wait tables?
Ground up, ground up.
- You make here big success. - Ah.
- Enjoy. - Thank you.
So we have an uninhabitable hovel
overlooking a Santa Claus snuff film.
What's next?
Staff.
You know, I was in Army language school.
I speak five different languages.
- Um, do you mind if we ask, Mr... - Call me Dexter.
OK, er, Dexter, um, how did you...?
Well, I mean, were you born like this?
- He was in the Army. - Oh. Oh, no.
Shortly after I was discharged,
my wife and I were vacationing in Florida,
and we were involved in a shark attack.
Um, so that's how you lost...?
- Oh, no, shark ate my wife. - Oh, God.
Have you ever seen somebody you love eaten alive slowly,
one bite at a time?
Er, he didn't eat her whole?
Oh, they found her hole. And a piece of her ass on the beach.
Just an empty thong and a broken dream.
You know, that hits you kinda hard.
I started drinking and using intravenous drugs.
Lost my arm through an abscess caused by a dirty needle.
I reached rock bottom about five years ago.
I was living on the streets and begging and eating pet food.
Finally, I just threw myself under a subway train,
and landed on the rails, and well, that train just, whoosh!
Popped my legs clean off.
Well, listen, you seem remarkably positive.
I thank God every day for what happened to me.
You know, my accident, well, it brought me to the Lord.
I stopped drinking and drugging.
I promised myself that I would make the most
out of every single opportunity that life afforded me.
OK, well, I guess, um,
practically speaking, could you fill some of the requirements?
You see that phone over there?
Ring! Ring!
And I make a great cup of coffee, too.
Well, when can you start?
Give me a little nub.
Hello?
Daniel Carver? This is Cat.
Cat, where are you? I'm so glad you're alive.
- How did you get my number? - I copied Ryder's address book.
How very industrious. So what is this about?
Wanted to touch base?
I have your hard drive, OK?
If you don't call off your dogs,
that movie of your boss will be
the most-watched video on YouTube.
Turn off the fucking music!
Oh!
You can't get anything off that hard drive.
It's got military encryption.
It's gonna purge itself like a Russian farm worker on Easter.
I took it to an expert. He figured it out.
Never lie to grown-ups.
I'm old enough to be your sugar daddy.
And I'll find you. I'll find you by the pm.
Fuck.
I found a car. Someone left it on the street.
I could get 300- 400 Euros for it, I'm sure.
I don't know whose it is, don't care.
Away! Away from the car! Away, you dirty shit!
I said get away from the car!
Get away from the car
What? What did you do? Are you crazy?
- You stupid fuck. - You said to kill the driver.
No said boy or girl.
- You killed a cop? - Yah.
You won't get paid for this. Fuckers!
Shoot him.
OK, now I'm really annoyed with you, princess.
It's time to bring in a professional.
Plan B. As in Bingham.
- Good to see you, Helen. - Thanks for thinking of me.
I'm always thinking of you.
- How's Maria? - She's fine.
And Eliska? What is she now? Three?
- Three and a half. - How lovely.
You know Razwell?
Of course, since he was in short pants.
Hello, Helen.
Oh, still using Acqua di Parma, Bob?
Old habits die hard.
A real man never changes his cologne. Shall we?
The hard drive has a level-five encryption.
She won't be able to get anything out of it.
And yet, you'll pay top euro to get it back.
What's on the hard drive, Daniel?
- Baby pictures. - Hm.
That's need-to-know, Helen. Trust me, you don't need to know.
And the girl? What do we know about her?
Bob?
Thank you.
Her name is Catalina Rona, also answers to Cat.
Left her rustic, rural homeland of Andorra looking for work,
and found her true calling sprawling and balling.
Oh, my goodness.
What else do we know?
- Well, we know she's smart. - And how do we know that?
- Because she's still breathing. - Ah.
And those other girls, the ones who weren't as smart as Catalina?
What are your plans for them?
Car crash, drug paraphernalia, bodies burned up, local cops.
The chief is on my payroll.
Dear me. Pull!
I thought you boys were all about change.
Oh, we have changed.
We used to be really cold and ruthless. Pull.
Do you need a hand with that?
No, no!
Oh, I think you do.
Mr Rona?
Mr Rona, I want to assure you, Mr Rona,
that we're just as concerned
about Catalina's disappearance as you are.
Oh, yes? That mean you're not much concerned.
You're not worried about your daughter?
What to worry? I never see her. And she never gives me a dime.
She fuck and make big money, but none for Papa.
- Who's the bitch? - She is from the police.
Her name is Virginia Wolf. This is my boy son.
How lovely to meet you. Do you happen to know
where your girl sister is?
- I know nothing. - Imagine that.
If you do happen to hear anything,
I would most appreciate it if you'd give me a call.
Why is she wasting her time looking for my sister?
She won't hide long. She's got a kid.
Ah. Si? Gracias.
Hold it.
Ooh, we need an elevator. All these damn stairs.
- Hey, sorry I'm late. - Late for what?
Dexter Wolf, any, er, messages?
Er, Boda called,
and he said that Swedish penis pump you ordered,
he's going to deliver it in a discreet package.
Er, I meant, like business messages.
- Am I paying for your porn? - No, man, I didn't even order that.
I'm a victim of identity theft.
Anyways, man, I got some new business cards and cell phones.
- Here, check it out. - Let's see.
"Looking for a good dick? Call the Juan Detective Agency. "
- Who's Juan? - No, no, no, no. It's "Ju-An".
It's a cross, like a mix with our names,
Julian and Anthony. Ju-An. You feel me?
- Why's your name first? - Anju sounds like a law firm.
You know, Goldman Goldman Sachs Anju.
I mean, if you don't like it,
I can go back and maybe reprint something.
Is this your only objection? Are we doing this?
Yes!
Check this out.
What the hell does that say?
That's the girl from the restaurant.
Father's looking for his missing daughter. She's our first case.
The next ferry to Bari, Italy leaves in eight minutes.
Please board now.
This is the last call for the ferry to Bari, Italy,
leaving in eight minutes.
Please board now.
Come on, wake up, honey.
Ow.
Where are we?
Ancona, Italy.
Oh, I fell asleep.
Good. Now you can go all night.
- You wanted it! - What happened?
It was an accident. I didn't do anything.
- Go. - It was an accident.
Go. Go.
Their safety is our number one priority.
Safety.
- What the fuck? - We are not in Italy.
We couldn't. There were too many cops.
They were looking in the trunks of the cars. We'll go tomorrow.
We'll spend the night here and go tomorrow. I promise.
- It'll be completely all right. - I don't think so.
Your dream girI's getting famous.
Father's his baby didn't come home for supper.
- Is that objectionable? - It's bullshit.
She's not a girl who comes home for supper
and why would this make the headlines?
Which leads us to conclude what?
Some hard, bad people, connected and respected are fronting
and want her found before she can make a sound.
Oh, MC Dr Seuss, kicking rhymes!
I'm just saying, something is not right.
A bunch of stuff ain't right. and you suddenly care?
I'm just curious, that's all.
I knew it! You want to have sex with her, don't you?
- What are you saying? - You want to hit that.
It's cool by me. It's our first case.
Come on, let's catch our train. Come on.
- Mr Ryder? Good afternoon. - You work for Carver?
- I do. - You got answers about my girls?
I was hoping you could help me on that score.
You see, one of your girls, Catalina,
has stolen something from my employer.
I need to know if you've heard from her and where she is.
I don't know where that scheiss bitch is.
Where the fuck are the others? Debbie, Susie, Bubbles, Sabina?
I'm afraid I have no idea.
Then we've both got no fucking idea.
Well, perhaps you could tell me who Catalina left her baby with?
Lady, look at you. You come in here, Mary fucking Poppins.
You've got a brass pussy, but no offense, get fucked, mama.
Oh, I'm not your mama, I'm afraid.
I would love to have a son like you,
but no such luck, poor old me.
And your real mother, didn't she teach you it's rude to point?
The only thing my mother taught me was how to take a punch
and to cook up base.
She taught my sister to suck dick
- and take it up the ass. - My goodness.
Hans, show Mary Poppins the way out.
If you'd been closer to your mother, she might have taught you manners.
For instance, when a lady enters the room, it is polite to stand up.
Do you think you could stand up for me now, Mr Ryder?
Lady, I swear, I don't know where she is,
Cat or her fucking baby.
You can sit down now.
Ah! God!
Are you crazy?
God! OK, OK, OK. I'll tell you all I know.
Hmm, well, unfortunately, with a man of your low character -
and I don't mean to insult you
but you were brought up by a sodomy- and fellatio-tutoring crack addict -
there's the possibility that you might lie.
Lady, you got to trust me.
Well, that's one option.
Oh, no, no, no, lady!
Mr Carver? Officer Slobodan.
We have two young males.
OK. Pictures coming right up.
- We're gonna find your daughter. - Politsia? Hah! They find nothing.
I agree with you wholeheartedly.
That's why you need professionals like us.
We handle, er, how many cases on the books, Anthony?
- One. - Too many to count, really.
But we really feel that we can find your daughter.
- Find her? - Yes.
Who says Catalina disappear? Like I already told woman.
What woman?
Woman policeman. Name Virgin Woolf. Very nice.
I say my daughter never home. Takes after mother.
All I have is broken condom that turns into son here.
Hey! Hey!
So how much money we talk about?
Er, not very much money.
Our fee is $400 a day plus expenses.
And we'd need a $2,000 retainer.
How about 100 euros?
What, a day?
No, the whole thing.
Give me 100 euros, I can help you find sister.
When she first start fucking for money,
I drive her a little bit for, how you say, protection.
I could show you where I took her.
Her favourite client. Maybe he knows where she is.
Look, the way this works is that you would actually pay us...
- Here, take it. - What are you doing?
- You have a car? - You just paid him.
We could have got the retainer. What are you doing, man?
I think Pinocchio needs his nose clipped.
Oh, God!
And this will teach this little piggy not to point.
That car is tailing us. It has been since the pig farm.
They were snapping shots of us.
Uh-oh. It could be the cops.
Whoop whoop-whoop whoop.
- Do you want me to lose them? - Yes, I do.
OK, why are we going off the road?
- Tree! - Left, left, left!
I think I peed a little bit.
Shit.
- Oh, damn, you all right? - Yeah. You?
Yeah.
Yo, where's your boy at?
- Oh, man, he look dead. - You OK?
Come on, man.
Shoulda wore that belt.
Come on, man. You all right?
You need a doctor. We'll take a taxi.
Hello?
The fish that got away. Has it been fried yet?
Er, don't worry.
We've got the borders sealed.
She'll hardly go to the police, though we have friends there.
I'm not worried about the police.
You may be able to get away with burying 5,000 people in a mass grave
but in America, a hint of scandal and the Senate will be up my ass.
If I see that girl on TV in anything other than a body bag,
the closest you'll get to a missile contract
is reading about them in the newspaper.
- Jesus, Bill, it wasn't me who... - Don't Jesus Bill me.
- Just find the girl. - It's being done. Trust me.
Carver's got his best man on it.
Well, I believe you now, Mr Ryder.
You really don't have any additional information for me.
I apologise for taking up your morning,
but I'm sure you appreciate the value of being thorough.
A job worth doing is worth doing well,
as my dear old mum used to say.
Kill me.
Ooh, now. What's the magic word?
Please. Kill me.
- Fucking bitch. - That's the one.
Well, I'll say goodbye to you, sir.
Now, do you need a moment?
Anthony Hester and Julian Simms, American nationals.
When Cat called you, that was from Julian's cell and Anthony's car.
- Why they are talking to the family? - They're private detectives.
- Working for who? - We don't know.
But Julian gave 100 euros to the brother.
- Is that a problem for us? - Maybe.
Want me to ring the bank?
No, no, we'll deal with it ourselves.
Bonjour, comment ça va?
Bonjour, mademoiselles.
Er, où est...
Rue de Bon? Rue de Bun?
We're looking for Rudible. Ladies, you wanna help us out? S'il vous plaît?
You saw the high scarf?
Those weren't words you said.
You wanna deal with girls or you wanna start a detective agency?
I wanna do both.
You need to focus on finding Catalina, I think
Oh! Anthony and Catalina sitting in a tree...
There is no-one like her to draw venom from my serpent.
More sweetly than any other one.
So, you're saying, as a blowjob provider,
Cat's head and shoulders above the rest?
"A blowjob provider"?
That would be like calling Caravaggio a house painter.
Gentlemen, would you like some tea? Chamomile.
Sure, I'll have a cup.
You are not to be easily shocked, are you?
- No, no. - Us? No, go on.
Cat produced from me a jet of semen,
which travelled some 11 feet.
It was like the salty exhale of the great white whale
in Melville's classic tome.
Let me show you something.
This is a mark here she leaves.
"Le plaisir de Cat".
Wow. From the windows to the walls. That's nice shooting.
Indeed.
Let me ask you something, gentlemen.
If I help you find her, will there be any, er, pecuniary rewards?
I don't want to sound too bourgeois,
but my needs are quite varied and exotic.
Well, the reward will be very large and pecuniary,
and, er, Catalina's father's filthy rich, he's rolling in it.
Very well. I obtained her services through a man named Ryder.
Do you have a number?
Better yet, gentlemen. His address.
- Hi. - Hi.
OK. It's a level-five encryption.
- Level-five? - Uh-huh.
Wow, that might be a problem.
If anyone can do it, you can. You are my little genius.
Thank you. After all these years, you haven't changed.
I'll bring the hard drive and passport to the hotel
as soon as it's ready.
You sure you got the right place?
It's the address he wrote down.
- I didn't sign up for this. - It's a little sketchy.
Can we go back?
Come on, we're right here. You ready?
No.
What kind of pimp doesn't open up for a potential doubleheader?
A dead pimp.
Oh, shit.
How bad is it?
Remember when you started that lawn mower with the kittens inside?
- Yeah. - This is much worse.
Oh, damn!
You weren't kidding about the dead part.
Ah-Ah! What the hell?
Are those...? Ahhhh!
Chick who did this must have been pissed.
What, a female did this?
- I think so. - Wanna see what she looks like?
- That blinking light. - Shit!
Security cam. I'm thinking it recorded everything.
Our sick, castrating bitch missed it cos it was bright outside.
Course, I could be wrong, but I don't think so.
Look at this lady plying her trade.
Oh, she's plying more than a trade.
Ohhh, God! Ohhhh!
Oh, my God. Is she going for the...
Not the nuts, not the n-n-n... No!
.. on a houseboat on the river in Italy...
- What? Italy? - .. near Ferrara.
The arsehole sold her out! He sold the baby down the river!
- We should probably warn her. - Let me see this.
Er, Grushenka, Grushenka, Grushenka...
- No Grushenkas here. - Look for, er, Agrafena.
- Agrafena? - Grushenka's short for Agrafena.
Grushenka's longer.
It's three syllab... Just look for the fucking number.
It's like the backwards Ks and Hs.
- Read The Brothers Karamazov. - You just read the Cliff Notes.
I read it. Look up the number.
Well, I'll be damned! OK, here, you talk to her.
- Why don't you talk to her? - No, dude, I'm nervous.
My stomach's bubbling.
- I get sweaty armpits. - Shut the fuck up.
Grushenka, listen. Someone is coming to kill you.
A very bad lady is coming to kill you.
Get out now. Someone is coming to kill you and the baby.
She's speaking Russian.
What? Russian? Oh, let me see.
You speak Russian?
I had a Russian girlfriend once.
Bitch! Get the fuck out of here!
I'll kill you! I'll kill you!
Get the fuck out of here!
- Are you threatening me? - I'll kill you!
- You think she understood that? - Do you think I did?
I think we need to go warn her in person.
I like you very much, young lady.
Your resilience, and dedication to your friend is admirable.
Oh-oh-oh.
There we are.
You must understand, I will find Catalina anyway,
and then your sacrifice and your nobility
will all have been in vain.
Oh dear, oh dear.
Do you see these?
These are to remind me of courage.
I had them made from the teeth of a young man
I interrogated in the Yemen.
He held out for eight days straight.
The last thing he said to me before he died,
having told us absolutely nothing, by the way, was the F word.
Ahh, look who's just woken up.
Hello.
- Please... - Hello! hello, relax.
Please leave the baby out of this.
Leave him alone.
Hola. How are you, little one?
Leave him alone! Please let Alex be.
Oh, you like this toy, do you?
Where is Cat, Grushenka?
I liked this detective idea but I'm ready to wait tables.
- We gotta save this girl. - You think she's still alive?
I don't know. I hope so.
This is morphine. It will make your death painless.
I really don't know where she is.
Shh.
- I believe you. - Please, the baby.
Yes, yes, I'll call the police. They'll take care of him.
I want you to know I would never hurt a tiny baby.
Not on a Sunday.
Hey! Hey!
Don't you know how to drive? I'm wet, bitch!
- Hello? - Hello, this is Virgin Woolf?
This is Virginia Woolf.
This is Catalina's father. Remember me?
Good morning, Mr Rona. How may I help you?
Hello?
Oh, God.
Ma'am, are you OK?
Say something.
- Come on, I got you. - Miss. Hello?
Splen... Splendid?
Oh, God.
- What's going on? - I think she's dead.
She said something like "splendid" before...
Jesus. Oh, no.
I think she meant the Splendid Hotel in Budva.
That's probably where Cat is.
Dex, I need tickets to Constalova. We'll staying at the Splendid Hotel.
And send some thermal underwear.
So you will buy me a new van?
- It would be my pleasure. - With AC, CD, DVD, and TV?
Fully equipped. What information do you have for me?
Two guys came, wanted to know about my daughter.
Asking many questions.
Here. They gave card.
So, you pay me now?
Oh, yes, I'll pay you now.
Do you need a moment?
For what?
No, Ronas, no stay here.
No Ronas? OK, see if you have a Cat or a Catalina.
Sir, we have 370 rooms and over 1,000 guests.
OK, she's a short girl, 5'4", 5'5",
long, dark hair, nice low-opening booty.
Got up-top heavy breasts, skimpy dress.
No, I'm sorry.
All right, well, let me get a room.
It is magic convention today.
I am afraid we have only Presidential Suite apartment.
But it's much too expensive. It's 2,400 euros.
- 2,400 euros? - Yes.
OK. You, er, you come with the room?
No, I'm sorry.
- You don't come with the room? - No.
Hello?
- Can I help you? - Hello.
Is this the Juan Detective Agency?
- It's Ju-An. Come on in. - Thank you.
Can I get you anything?
We have a lovely selection of herbal teas.
Or are you just looking for a good date?
How very kind. Nothing for me, thank you.
My name's Emily Brontë.
I'm from the National Security Agency.
I believe you're working on a case of great importance to us.
A missing girl. Catalina Rona.
Like the writer lady?
Died of, er, TB or some shit?
Well, yes, as a matter of fact.
Well, Miss Brontë, I can't discuss the case with you.
You'll have to talk to my employers.
When might I be able to do that?
Well, they're in the field, so it might be a few days.
And what field might that be?
Why don't you give me your number,
and I'll be happy to pass it on?
Or you could just give me that note
that you slipped into the Gospel of St John.
You...
You, er, you read that upside down.
I did.
You did.
Oh, Lord.
Oh, damn.
Oh, my goodness.
Oh, put them away.
Sweet baby Jesus.
Nice. Oh!
Oh, king size! I got this. I got all this.
You make your phone calls. I'm going to put him to bed.
OK, we just need to find your mom, that's all.
Shh, it's all right.
Hi, my name is Julian. I'm looking for Cat or Catalina.
Hello? Hello?
OK, all right.
Let's take a little look at what you got here, OK?
Can you shut the baby up?
Hello? Hi? I'm looking for a Cat or Catalina.
- No, no, housekeeping. - Oh, I'm sorry, OK.
Well, yeah, can we get more towels up here, then?
Yes, yes, moment.
One new message.
Er, hi, my name's Julian Simms...
There she is. Is that her?
I recognise that rack.
How do I look?
You're good, let me see. Collar's cool.
What about the 'fro? 'Fro's good?
The boats. See her boats?
Get her number this time.
Come on. Give him to me. Give me my baby.
- It's OK. - Give him to me. Come on.
Sit down.
I have a gun in my bag.
You try anything, I swear to God, I will shoot you in the balls.
It's OK. It's not necessary.
Not to mention impossible, since you don't really have a gun.
Man, you could be wrong.
Who are you guys, hm?
You don't recognise us?
- I stole your car. - And my phone.
With my ringtones, numbers, I had those pictures.
What do you want?
- What the fuck, man? - I know you did not just slap me.
We're private investigators. Your father hired us to find you.
- My father? - I mean, technically, we're not...
Ah, OK, he's worried about you.
All he's worried about is the money I stopped sending after Mum died.
You all don't get along?
You could say that.
Yes! My father and I were the same way.
He preferred my brother, take him fishing and stuff.
My father beat me with a belt
and made me sleep in the barn with pigs.
Yes, yours is substantially worse.
- That's bad. Yeah. - Why have you got my son?
- Agrafena is dead. - Who is Agrafena?
- Grushenka's short for Agrafena. - Nobody been reading that book.
- You gotta get them Cliff Notes. - Grushenka's dead?
Yeah. And Ryder.
Dead. Gone, six feet under.
- He's my pimp. - No, not any more.
- He's pimped out. - They tried to kill our assistant,
cut his fucking arm off.
What kind of person cuts a one-armed man's only arm off?
Cat, it's the kind of person that cuts someone's balls off.
- They are going to find you. - Find you.
They'll chop you up like a tomato. We need to get you out of here.
No, I can't. I'm waiting for someone. My room is 432. Meet me there.
Wait. No, I'm gonna go with you. Get the check, OK?
How you gonna tell ME to get the check?
You want me to get the check? I don't... I didn't order these nuts.
Coming out?
Going down?
Yes, please.
- Um, what floor? - Oh, that'll do fine.
Er, OK.
- After you. - Thank you.
Help. She's trying to kill me.
Look, she's a psychotic killer. Look how tall she is!
Where's your friend gone with Catalina?
Damn.
- Who is it? - It's me.
Come along now, we haven't got all day. Chop chop.
What did you do? How did you bring her here?
I didn't bring her here. She's got a gun.
Please. Please!
Alone at last.
Now, would you mind closing those curtains?
You have a delectable accent. Where are you from?
- I'm gonna try something. - I'm from Canada.
I take back all the bad things I've ever said about Canadians.
Now, how are you two involved?
We're private detectives.
I'm sorry.
Why does everybody react like that?
- Who is it? - Ivan for Cat.
I'm here for Cat. Is she here?
Do come in.
Hey, guys, Siegfried is looking for a new Roy in room 432.
Wow!
Aha. Lovely.
Now, we're almost done.
- Ladies first. - Please, I have a child.
Oh, my dear Catalina.
If I had a shilling for every time someone said that, I wouldn't be here.
But someone else would.
Now,
do you need a moment?
Wait! My partner and I have a DVD
of you performing surgery, a cockectomy,
on a dirty pimp, with no medical licence.
You could be in a lot of trouble.
I'm getting old.
Don't beat yourself up. It was bright outside.
- You couldn't see the light blink. - Where's the tape?
Oh, OK. A question. See? We're starting to negotiate.
I only need one of you to tell me where the tape is.
I'm beginning to lose my patience.
I'm looking for Siegfried. You must be his assistant.
Look.
Could you excuse me?
Come on!
Lady, get down!
In. In. In.
What are you doing? No, you're not. Dude.
OK. OK, this is crazy.
Oh, my God.
OK, give me the baby.
Oh!
Give me a second. You don't want to see me naked.
What are you doing? Hurry up!
Oh, God. Shit!
Man! Help!
Out the way!
Hey, where are you going?
Oh, good work, Helen.
The money will be in your account tomorrow.
We had a little collateral along the way.
That's in the "shit happens" column.
Who's a good boy?
Mm. So, Daniel, tell me.
You didn't know that those two pubescents
- were playing detective, did you? - No, not until you told me.
There's no-one else on the job?
Of course not.
I know you like to work alone.
More than anything.
Mr Jakovic wanted me to extend an invite to his fundraising party.
For the American Secretary of Defense.
Ooh, a posh do. How delicious.
You know how I like to dress up.
Helen, have you ever regretted that you and I...?
It's for the best, Daniel.
We'll always have Angola.
We're bringing someone else in. Helen's done with this.
Yeah. We have full containment.
OK.
Such a brave little girl.
Are you having fun today with your daddy?
Helen was a good soldier.
The best. An army of one.
Do you think she took a peek at the hard drive?
Probably not.
But I couldn't take that risk.
It's all right, Bob.
Old soldiers never die.
They just get blown away.
Hello, Bob. Tell her you'll call her back.
Do get in.
A nod to the wise, my dear.
You only need a little dab of Acqua di Parma behind each ear.
And I gave up on those old trip switches years ago.
Ten-second delay. Tut tut. Dear, oh dear.
Now, all you need to do is answer one or two questions,
and we can wrap this up.
Otherwise, I have a lovely soundproof basement.
I can rig up a saline drip,
and we can make it last a couple of crispy, crunchy weeks.
And after that, I'll go and find that lovely daughter of yours, in...
Where is she? Lupiana?
Please don't hurt her.
Who's replacing me?
Ah, my favourite Scotsman. Is he in town?
He's at the Hotel Riviera.
Marvellous. Thank you so much.
It was nothing personal, Helen.
Oh, no, of course not. I always liked you, Bob.
Now, do you need a moment?
Look at you, sweetheart.
You are a wee fucking ride, so you are.
Fucking hell, man.
Oh, man.
Oh, I'm a big man, huh?
Look at that fella. You could cut diamonds with that.
Fuck. Who the fuck is this?
- Hello? - It's Carver.
- What? - Carver. We found the girl.
Aye, hang on, hang on, let me get a fucking pen.
Anthony.
Can you take him, please?
Yeah.
OK.
You smell good.
We found her.
You see how many people there are?
Of all those people, we found your mom.
Everything's OK on the bed.
Are you going to do gymnastics for me?
Yeah? Side, side.
A little breakdance.
Yeah!
Chook, chook! Take my nose.
I don't need it. I've smelled enough stuff.
Go on, take it, take it.
I know, I know.
He was asking for you.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah, he's very impatient.
This one, this one, this one.
How many words do you think you'll be able to say...?
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Low fucking profile? Under fucking cover?
What the fuck do you call this thing?
- Mr Moody, right? - That's me, pal.
What's happening?
They've been in hotel room 502 for the past three hours.
Listen, Mr Moody, all due respect, but why we not coming with you?
I mean, we follow them for days.
Why are we cut out now, man?
Cos you're a couple of fucking ball-bag cunts.
What'd your boss tell you?
Well, um, he told us that you are some terrorism specialist
and you have to handle this alone, but...
Well, there you go. Do us a wee favour.
Sit here, eat your sweeties, jerk off in your coffee cup,
and shut your fucking mouth, you ethnic-cleansing pricks.
I like this guy!
Shh.
Nae cunt fucking moves.
On your feet, Nancy boy.
Any chance you have the wrong room?
No.
On your feet, pal.
What's going on? Who are you?
Right, listen.
Yous are all going to die in a few minutes.
Now, how you die, well, that's up to doll-face here.
Now...
Is that a wean? For fuck's sake. I've not killed a wean for ages.
- Please. Please. - I've been watching you, hen.
Look at me when I'm talking to you.
You're a pure ride, so you are.
I just got back from doing a wee job in Kabul.
You've got more chance of getting laid in nunnery than you have there.
My balls, they are fucking busting, so they are.
So if you'll just give us a wee gobble,
you can all have a dose of Mr Sweet Dreams here.
But if you will nae...
well, then, I'm afraid, it's going to get a wee bit messy.
Sorry, but I don't understand anything that you just said.
For fuck's sake, man!
Does nae cunt speak English in this fucking country?
Just say it again, please.
If... you... suck... my dick, huh?
You got me so far? Capiche, no?
If you suck my dick, I will kill you all quickly.
But if no...
I will cut soft lad's little prick off here
and stuff it in his fucking mouth.
Comprende? Are you with me now?
That's enough. Enough. Leave her alone.
Oh, Anthony, Anthony, don't do anything, please.
I don't usually like to interfere but you're being a dick.
You don't like to interfere?
Hang on, son. Hang on just a minute. Hang on.
Ho ho ho!
For fuck's sake, son!
You just cannae get enough of the ball-booting.
You cannae get enough of it, wee man.
Cannae fucking get enough of it. Sit doon.
Now, where were we?
Come on. Say, keep that wean quiet.
That's it. Lick your lips.
Here comes the choo-choo.
OK, what just happened?
Shit.
Who is it?
It's Helen Bingham.
I've just saved your lives. Would you open the door, please?
Or should I call room service
to clean up the dead body on your bed?
I'm not going to kill you.
You can put the gun away now.
Who was that guy?
That was a Mr Sean Moody,
a priapic killer of some repute and my proposed replacement.
But why'd his head blow off?
Sub-sonic explosive tipped round.
He deserved to go out with a bang.
What're you calling me for now, ya bastard?
We've got a situation, Moody.
Bingham got away. Watch your back.
Thank you, Daniel. I'll pass that along.
Who's paying you to kill us?
- And why should we trust you? - Very good questions
but right now, we need to get out of the country. Come along.
I'd very much appreciate it if you didn't mention my profession.
Or the... fact that I... smoke.
- Hello, Mummy. - Oh, Helen!
- What a nice surprise! - Happy birthday, Mummy.
Oh, darling, you never forget, do you?
- Of course not. - And you've brought friends.
Come in, everybody. Come in, all of you.
There we go. There we...
Oh, my goodness!
What wonderful creature is this?
His name is Alex.
Alex. He's beautiful. May I?
Mm, yeah.
Ooh!
My goodness.
- He likes you. - Babies love me.
And I love babies.
They're a blessing.
They're life's way of making up for the way it all inevitably ends.
You know, we all start off
being wide-eyed little angels like him...
don't we, Helen?
- Yes, Mummy. Shall we go in? - Of course. Come on.
This cake is just scrumptious.
I don't know how you did it with what little I keep in.
Oh, it's nothing.
Helen, darling, have you gained weight?
I think perhaps you've had enough of that sweet stuff.
Darling, you're not a young girl any more.
You need to take care of yourself.
I won't always be around to look after you, you know.
Yes. Mummy, isn't it time you went back to bed?
It's getting terribly late.
Oh. All right, all right. I know when I'm not wanted.
And I do think all that sugar's made me feel very tired.
Now, you know where the extra blankets and pillows are?
Yes, course.
Thank you all for a very, very grand birthday party.
Bless you. Darling.
I do love you, you know.
- Yes. Love you, too, Mummy. - Good night.
- Night-night. - Good night.
- Good night, Mrs Bingham.
Well, that explains a lot.
Now, we need to get that hard drive back.
Won't he have wiped it clean already?
Jakovic's company makes weapon systems for the military.
He won't give that up. It's leverage.
But they'd both be finished if the film got out.
Krebb only needs to know that Jakovic has it.
He never needs to use it. It's nuclear brinkmanship.
Cat, what's wrong?
Whoa! Where are you going with that?
- Cat? - Fuck all this shit.
You killed Grushenka.
Put the gun away, child, you'll hurt yourself.
How can you just kill innocent people?
I don't know. I've never met an innocent person.
The only difference between our professions
is that when I blow people away, they don't ejaculate on my breasts.
Feeling better?
Tell me why I shouldn't just kill you now.
Because there'll be another Sean Moody along in a minute.
Or another Helen Bingham.
We are the only people who know what's on that hard drive.
If we don't find it and expose it to the world,
then we're all dead.
I don't kill babies but my colleagues would have no such compunction.
They will find you and Alex,
and kill you in the most creative way they can possibly think of
and you will just disappear.
Now, shall we get back to business, my dear?
You are going to get us into this party.
Me?
I hacked into the guest list. One of your co-workers is on it.
You need to give her a call
and offer her double what she's being paid.
And how's your Scottish accent?
Scottish... Oh, it's terrible.
A wean? For fuck's sake.
I've not seen a wean for ages.
Oh, dear.
I- I could try.
Aye, is that a wean? Fuck's sake! I've not killed a wean for ages.
- Aye. - Lovely.
Hello there.
Isabella?
Ho ho!
I could fall in love with you, so I could.
Maurice did good. Driver, here's the parking pass.
Do you speak English?
Hey, what are you doing? Why are you stopping the car?
Your regular driver couldn't make it tonight.
Hey?
- Good evening. - Who the fuck are y...?
Could you open the trunk for us, please?
- Aye. - Mr McPhee?
Mr Angus Tyrone Denzel McPhee.
Good evening
- You RSVPd one person, sir. - One whore or two, who cares?
What difference does it make?
It doesn't matter!
Would you calm down?
Move on. Move on, please.
Don't be nervous.
This is the fun bit.
I'm fine.
Here we go.
Welcome.
- Good evening. - Aye, aye.
Testing, testing.
- Copy. - Copy.
- After you, my dear. - I'm downstairs with the drivers.
Come on through.
Keep calm. Keep smiling.
Oh, "Ave Maria". How lovely.
Three security on the upper floor.
Are you sure we're going to get away with this?
Aye.
Thank you so much for hosting this thing.
It's a nice party, beautiful home, stunning daughters.
Would you like a tour of the house?
Honey, er, let him catch his breath, take a drink.
Everyone remember their assignments?
I'm a bit terrified, honestly.
Oh, stiff upper lip, bro.
What, hoots, man. It's a braw, bricht, moonlicht nicht.
- You're Scottish? - I be, aye.
You heard of a black Irish? Well, I be a black-eyed Scotsman, aye.
- Of course I am. - You don't look Scottish.
I don't look Scottish?
Is that what you said?
You don't wanna know what you look like.
You look like a one-legged gypsy whore of a goat herder.
Don't make me slap you.
I lift my kilt, you see my boots. See my black snake moan. Sss.
- It may bite you... - Is there a problem?
- Sir, we need you to calm down. - You want me to calm down?
Don't make me slap... Look at me when I'm talking to you.
Excuse me. You can't be up here.
I was looking for the ladies. I've broken my necklace.
- Go downstairs, please. - Would you hold that?
All clear on the upper floor.
On my way.
- Can I help you? - No, I'm good. Sorry.
Then get out.
Krebb's got a small army down here, fully armed. Just a heads up.
Come in.
Am I interrupting anything?
- Good evening, Daniel. - Helen.
I'm so glad you could make it.
I like your new look.
Well, thank you.
You look... marvellous.
You look very elegant, yourself.
Is it morning already?
Excuse me?
I just saw the sun rise, and it's blinding me.
I have to introduce a political film, same old stuff,
- but afterwards, we could... - Be terribly naughty?
Oh, I'd like that. I'd like that a lot.
Sir, it's time for your speech.
Promise me you'll wait?
Say the magic word.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Mr William Krebb.
Thank you so much.
First, on behalf of myself and all the people of the USA,
thank you to our gracious hosts for opening their beautiful home.
Ivana and Branco Jakovic.
How about a hand for them?
Through my travels throughout this region,
I have felt only warmth and welcome in their home,
and have shown me an excellent time in their beautiful country.
Speaking of beautiful countries, I don't know how you do it
but the women here are absolutely gorgeous.
Must be something in the water.
I don't suppose Razwell was any trouble.
No, no, no, Bob was a sweetheart.
- Thank you, Daniel. - My pleasure.
- Who is it? - It's me.
Come in.
- Who's this? - I'm an associate.
Hi, how are you?
I'm fine.
I'm assuming you have access to various slush funds
on behalf of your employer.
If you'd transfer all you can lay your hands on
into this account, I'd be most grateful.
Now, I have a little audio-visual programme,
if I can figure out how to work this.
- Sir, can I help? - This way? Yeah.
- There you go. - Well, that was easy. Thank you.
I got the disk. I'm on my way.
For the record, Helen, it wasn't my idea.
Of course not. Powers that be.
Let's see how we've done.
17 million and change. Oh, yummy.
- Are you sure you're up for this? - Damn you.
As many of you know, I have been travelling through the region
assuring our allies that the anti-ballistic missile shield
will give our troops and our allies in Eastern Europe
a new level of safety and security.
Queensberry Rules?
Of course.
Nice.
What are you doing here?
Need to replace the HDMl and reroute the components.
If we don't get 1080p video, we're all dead. I'm with ATl.
Understand? It means, get the fuck out.
We have been facing a challenging and complex new set of threats
for this region.
Iran's ballistic missiles prove to be a significant risk to this area.
The proposed ground-based... interceptors...
.. will...
Will what?
Naughty, naughty.
You didn't say the magic word.
- You must be Mrs Jakovic. - Yes.
I can't believe I've been here so many times and we never met.
Who on earth is this person?
I'm one of your husband's whores.
Let's see, hmm.
"America's commitment to its allies. "
Well, if that commitment includes covering up sodomy and murder,
I guess Branco and Bill here are your guys.
- That's enough of that. - No, it's not enough. Not nearly.
Home movie time.
Stop! What are you doing?
Oh, my God!
What did you do?!
Wake up.
- Take this... Get it off now. - Someone stop him!
NOW!
What are you doing? Come with me.
Whoo!
- You're beautiful. - Ready for more?
No-one in or out. Full containment.
- Full containment. Understood. - OK, guys, we're on. Let's go.
Do you need a moment?
Stop. Hands up. Now.
Who the hell are you?
I'm Carver's man. How do you do?
Ah, it's nice to finally meet you.
Everybody move into the main ballroom.
Move, please.
Let's go. Main ballroom. Move.
You two, Pixie and Dixie, how do you fit into all this?
We're private investigators.
That's great.
Why is that funny? Man, we got a website.
Don't forget all those people just saw that tape.
Ah, yes, those poor people.
Innocent victims of another terrorist atrocity.
What are you using there? C4? HMX?
What is this, 1982?
This is ONC, Octanitrocubane.
The most powerful non-nuclear explosive in development.
A sugar cube of this shit would take out a tank.
My, my. You're really going all the way, aren't you?
Yes, I'm all in on this hand.
Excuse me, please.
Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention?
We have an active situation. Gunmen are on the premises.
We are keeping you in here for your safety.
We have refreshments for you.
Hopefully, the matter will be resolved quickly.
- Did somebody call the cops? - Nobody wants any food.
Bill, wait, you can't do it.
Come on, Bill, my wife and daughters are downstairs.
Sir, now's the time to leave.
- Take care of them. - Yes, sir.
- Is the code all set? - Yes, sir. Just hit send.
Like to blow up a lot of this country.
Except for the beautiful women.
What are you doing?
Wait. Before you shoot us all,
there's just one thing I wanted to do before I die.
Down! Down! Down!
What's our contingency plan?
We need to get you in the air immediately.
There's a bird standing by at a private airstrip.
I'm working on a plan to make this all disappear.
Pay attention. Go out the back way.
I have a little business to attend to.
Catalina. Take this.
- What is it? - Something for a rainy day.
I'm sorry about your friend.
It's the job.
Numbs you.
Look after Mummy, will you?
Jesus.
Come on. Go, go.
Oh, man.
AAAARGHHHH!
God forgive me.
Who am I kidding? Here goes.
It's not connecting.
- You push "send", right? - Yes. The code is set.
What the helI's wrong with this thing?
Are you OK?
I have a bomb! Get back! Move!
Ah, yeah, yeah, here it goes.
- You got it? - Yeah, let's go.
- What the fuck? - Spot of tea?
Do you need a moment?
Shit.
I was just starting to like her, too.
She was cool. Killer cool.
Good afternoon. Ju-An Detective Agency.
Can you hold, please?
Jeffrey Leeds on line three.
There it is. I'm on the news.
Hey, baby, how's it going?
Hi, there.
Hey, we're on the news again.
- Did Julian say anything stupid? - I don't know yet. How's it going?
Great. I've found an amazing house.
Are you still coming over next week?
Yeah, the flight gets in at 11.
I gotta go. Julian's interview's on. I'll see you on Friday.
- I love you. - I love you, too. Bye.
What's going on? What are you saying?
Hey, man, check it out.
You look good. You look sharp.
I always look sharp.
Oh, watch, watch.
You're not supposed to look in the camera.
- That's cool. - You gotta talk to her.
- .. at www... - And that's the shocking story.
It's a little tacky, using the news for advertising.
You gotta strike while the iron is hot. Carpe diem. Seize the day.
You know? Feed the beast. Get it while the getting's good. u now, Mr Ryder.